Dude...

1) I was just playing guitar then

2) I was told two hours ago I should learn some Scorps. Haha.

I'm self taught and learned some pretty bad technique. Although, I was a total pot-head when I first picked it up. It's amazing how much easier it is to play stuff now that was so hard when I was smoking. Marijuana + listening to music = no worries. Marijuana and trying to learn a song = heyull no.

Cheers man.

I'm gonna assume that in your case that's a long way away bro. **** that ****, I don't want that either. But there's good things to be in the mean time. What do you like doing? What interests you?

If that's the case, at least troll the good forums. And at least you're reading. And if you're successful at poker - take a vacation to wherever you would enjoy. Don't end up being a human guinea pig like me. Live poker is even more interesting, do you play any B&M?

Wait a sec... am I giving advice here? Don't listen to me. For the love of God. Just crack another beer, you'll be safer.

I gotta crash dude

Hey NWB,

Over the past 12 hours, in between work stuff, etc. I have read this thread from front to back.

It was an awesome read at first when you were in doing the testing, full of light hearted funny stories, feel good rails and optimism but it has turned into the biggest broken record story and I feel really sad for you.

Look at your life from a third person observer perspective. You are endangering others with your constant blackouts and you have been very lucky indeed to not end up in jail to this point. Consider this running majorly +EV at this point in your life.

You say it costs alot to go to rehab but yet you have money to go to the casino and play tilt monkey poker over and over again. You are like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day" except you are living a horrible day over and over AGAIN and AGAIN. Just with a variable amount of time in between.

Your posts are either very optimistic or very self defacing. It seems you have created a form of bi-polar'ish personality behaviour by your own self fulfilling prophecy of this madness you constantly are doing.

You need to go to rehab dude, do your medical trial and then use as much of that money that you have to and do what you should have done months ago and get some help...I reitterate go to rehab. You need mental help and I am not saying that in a bad way but you are taking way too much enjoyment out of your "therapeutic" posts here explaining your blackouts and subsequent gambling losses and wondering how you got home and et al.

About 70% through I did not want to keep reading because your self destructive behaviour was saddening. The point where you started new threads to explain how you went totally busto was just really sad man. You need help dude. You have lots of people offering good natured advice and trying to help you but in one ear out the other this advice goes. Bankroll management is the least of your worries dude, you need life help and the kindheartedness of others on here is not sinking in.

I am not a hater at all, just someone trying to explain what I see and dude this is a trainwreck.

The medical studies, do it up, good money...not hurting anyone. Why would anyone care what you do to your own body. I'd consider it myself if I was not making decent coin. But your inability to truely look rationally at your own life situation and the danger you are putting others in during your neverending blackout episodes is a real problem. As I stated earlier you are running good in life that you have not woken up to some REAL serious consequences after yet another drunken attempt at self destruction.

I do not care what you do with your poker...your poker "career" goes like this yay, run good and win...oops no BRM lose it all, claw back... yay, run good and win...oops no BRM and lose it all. And then, everytime you tell everyone yeah I need to work on this or that, get some coaching, read some books...all with the best of intentions but it is just as well if you said blah blah blah bacause the proof is in the pudding and you end up back in the same place again. Irrelevant to your life imo. Go to rehab and learn to stop the bipolar in your life and how to control your impulsive behaviour. I guarantee you it will be the best money you ever spent and who knows you may become a winning player then with dome form of control and normalcy in your life. ( Also your time in another medical study and drying out does not count as rehab. )

Realize that I am not hating but trying to help after reading this thread in it's entirety over the past day. Good Luck man, focus on your real problem and hopefully things will get better for you. Stop looking for instant gratification in life and look at the bigger picture and get some real help. Cheers.

"Over the course of my life i've left pieces of my heart here and there, and in the end theres almost not enough to stay alive; but i force a smile, knowing my ambition far exceeded my talent"

- George Jung

Op hang in there, because as you mature your decisions will only get better with time. GL

Nothing is bothering me dude. "Blah" is exactly how I feel as mentioned before. I've never had the type of problems with alcohol that you have had. I've never blacked out and woke up the next day with my hotel room trashed on the street below me, nor have I figured out I drove the night before and not remembered any of it. So maybe I just can't relate to your problems. My past posts have honestly been brutal attempts to help you out. And when I say "Blah", I'm just deciding not to waste my time anymore.

You jump to conclusions and disregard posters that are genuinely trying to help you in their own way. Yes I'll agree you have some flat out haters. But just because someone is telling you that you need to stop drinking and gambling, no matter how brutally honest or even mean it may seem, I think they really would like to FINALLY hear some good news.

Your story is a tragic one indeed. Your random online tourny binks, live cashes, and medical trial earnings ARE NOT ACCOMPLISHMENTS. Because you treat them with total disregard in the end, in which they then retain no sustainable value. You are missing the big picture by a mile. I'm sure 99% of the readers in this thread would love to see a happy conclusion to this story. But the previous mentioned "successes" are not the real thing.

So good luck. Hope everything works out. Maybe being locked up wouldn't be the worst thing for you. I'm sure it will happen sooner or later with your drunk driving tendencies. I just hope no body gets hurt (and yes that includes you).

There are several posters ITT who give critical advice and admonishment to NWB without being an @$$hole about it. NWB may neglect to take their advice, but I think he generally responds to them without calling them haters. The ones being called out as haters are the ones that think calling a guy who obviously does not like himself a worthless piece of trash--as if that's what he needs to hear. No, I'm pretty sure he already feels that way about himself. At least, he behaves as if he does. A lot of advice gets thrown around in this thread. Some of it is good and some of it is bad, but it's pretty easy to distinguish the people who are coming from a place of goodwill and those who are just hurling degrading comments at the guy because they get a kick out of that sort of thing.

fwiw, NWB, I know a few guys who wrecked their lives with drugs and alcohol at least as badly as you've wrecked your life (probably worse, as they all did time in jail), but they turned their lives around. Of course, they turned to God, which you don't seem too keen on, but I'm sure there are plenty of success stories out there where people changed their lives for the better despite feeling pulled uncontrollably down a life destroying path. The point is, it can be done, it's not too late. But you have to want to. You have to think enough of yourself to decide to live a different way. It's not my call or any other third party to say there is no hope for you. Only you can make that call.

Lol nice thread, life is crazy ain't it? I am experiencing somewhat of the same thing, busted like 20 bankrolls, did 6 different schools, had 50 different jobs, smoked tons of weed, builded huge debt, paid it off, started own company, went broke leaving me with an ever bigger debt, quit smoking weed, started drinking, did some jail time, found a new job, got fired cause of crimerecord, grinded another roll from $50 to $500, blowed it away at blackjack last night.

Now sitting here jobless with a beer in front of me thinking how the next 2/3rd of my life will look like.

One thing I do know, never give up hope!

(ps: tried some medical testings like you did in my youth but got rejected cause of drug use, lucky me)

When's the 32 day trial begin?

^hopefully never but, if you insist on doing this again OP, I'll still follow this thread like I would regardless of whether or not you did it again, would just be be cooler if you didn't and tried something new this time around, prolly aLL lot more rewarding too.

Isn't it legal to drive drunk in Australia?

Lol, great first post buddy... most likely a troll, but no, its not legal to drive drunk in Australia

I have read this whole thread- very compelling story- I hope OP realizes that he has a problem which he does he just needs to take appropriate action now.

I drove drunk all around Australia everyone said it was legal that there was no limit? What would happen to a foreigner who gets popped behind the wheel hammered ?

Who cares!? What would happen to a family after you hit their vehicle in a head on collision? What would happen to a pedestrian after you ran them over? Ever think of asking yourself those questions instead?

Perhaps you should go and make it meaningful then because it's the only shot you're going to get at it. Clearly he isn't happy being the way he is anyway if that wasn't obvious.

Wow. That was very insightful Muammar. Is there any other golden advice you could throw out for all the lost souls in this thread?

We believe in nothing Lebowski

This thread is enlightening, mainly so because I never knew someone could write so eloquently, intelligently and convincingly about what they've learnt.....only to demonstrate that they really have learnt nothing.

Be honest here: how many times have you gone on a bender and thought afterwards 'wow that sucks but I learnt a lot from it! I now know that I can't only have one drink, and that life is precious and I should appreciate....' etc etc.

We've seen this pattern a bunch of times already in this thread. You say this thread is one of the most helpful things ever because you've learnt so much, yet you get out of the medical experiment and you end up sending yourself broke multiple times and having multiple alcohol benders. I'm pretty sure you've said after at least two relapses now that you've learnt a lot from the bender about how to stop giving in to alcohol.

I hope you don't think I'm being a hater, I found the thread amazing to read and you're obviously a smart guy and can write really well. But the way I see it, going into this new medical experiment is just a waste of time because you're putting off making the necessary changes you need to live your life well.

What will you do when you get out with your new 8k or whatever? How do you know you won't go broke again? Money comes and goes (as you damn well know by now), the money you get from this experiment won't change your life.

I'm surprised no one has really mentioned therapy- NWB clearly has psychological problems, most likely a combo of schizophrenia and bi polar.

There are clear delusions here- I don't say that in a bad way- delusions are common most have some sort of delusion or form of delusion at some point- Its the level and frequency of delusion that is important.

NWB you are probably an addict, but your psychological problems need to be addressed by a therapist.

Did you read all 1592 previous posts? I'm quite sure this actually was suggested

Yea I read the whole thing- some people alluded to mental problems but the emphasis seems to be on rehab/AA/ addiction. Blacking out pretty much whenever you drink is obviously alcoholism and cannot be controlled but I think an equally important issue is NWB's delusional thought processes which seem separate from his addiction.

Thanks to those that posted over the last few days, I'll try and respond now.

Just wanna touch upon the drink-driving thing. It may come as some surprise (it certainly did to me), but I drank for a decade without including drink-driving in my repertoire. This was something that did not start happening until quite recently. The progression of my drinking problem eventually led to a whole new realm of dangerous behaviour, and it was the operation of a motor vehicle while under the influence, more than anything, that scared me into going to AA. So in a way I'm glad. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this somewhere a few months back, but it was waking up to my worst ever instance of driving in a blackout that made me realize that things had to change. I've never had any problem putting myself in harm's way, but this was different, and I knew it.

From that point, it was another 3 months before my relapse brought back to that territory, and once again shocked me into facing the truth. Repetitive, frustrating, broken record... Yep, hate to say it guys, but this is the reality - give an alcoholic a drink and they're gonna do bad ****. They're not gonna give a ****. If you're real lucky, they'll realize before it's too late, and escape serious tragedy. Which is where I am - again. 8 days sober, doing lots of meetings, trying hard not to pick up a drink. Do I like the fact that I drunk drove? Of course not. Do I consider myself extremely lucky that no-one was hurt and I have been given another chance? Very much so. But anyway, I didn't really come here to go into detail (I have meetings for that), just wanted to address that issue.


Now about the whole poker thing...

I've had some time to think about everything, and I have thought long and hard about all of it, and have read all the posts from the past 9 months of this thread, and having those 9 months condensed into the few hours it took to read them, I have been able to view objectively this whole crazy journey. and have concluded the following:

I can't make it in this game.

(What? Hasn't that, I dunno, kinda been said before???)

Yeah and they were right. Not because I don't understand poker, but because no matter how many tournaments I pull out of my arse, my emotional and mental instability will not allow me to maintain the level of success necessary to survive for the long term. Even when I feel god and think I won't, I tilt. I continue to play even when I know I'm tilted, and of course I have no bankroll management. Poker stops being fun when I wake up, fire up Stars before I've even opened my eyes, and sit there, eyes glued to the screen until, 16 hours later, stinking and hungry, the sun has set and the day has gone (along with money I couldn't afford to lose). Like I've said, I pretty much began using poker like a drug. It wasn't supposed to end up that way, but as is the way with such things, they can get out of hand. The times that I was able to play at my peak and temporarily master these defects, I felt absolutely incredible. I touched that beautiful feeling that is reprieve to slavery and financial insecurity, and it felt ****ing good. But that's all I did, touch it, because then it was gone as soon as it had come. Oh yeah, that's right, I was supposed to use BRM. Damn.

But I've accepted all this. I have accepted that right now, poker cannot remain in my life as it was. And that's ok. I've dedicated an enormous amount of my energy and focus at poker for the past 4 years, and it's been a wild ride, but it's brought me a lot of stress and frustration, and I've missed out on a lot of life. I still love and will always love the game, but I can't have poker in my life the way it has been. BUT, I don't wanna quit forever either. I mean, forever is a long time. So, what do I do? Well I have thought about it and think I can put poker back where it needs to be: fun, balanced, and in proportion with the rest of my life. Once a week, Saturday night, the $55 PLO tournament. I am a recreational player after all. The meetings suck on Saturday nights anyway, so staying in and playing a tournament of the game I love instead of pissing away 10 buy ins on a hangover is a welcome proposition. And by not trying to build a bankroll that I will inevitably lose, any wins I have will be cashed out and actually enjoyed instead of eventually donated to regs. I can be a recreational player again instead of a degen/wannabe pro.

Who knows what the future holds, it's entirely plausible that I'll pick it up again one day, but if the games are only getting tougher I see no need to think about that now, I have plenty of other **** to concentrate on. And in the last week that I've come to these conclusions, I've felt a lot freer, a lot less pressure to play play play play play. I've hardly played at all and instead have done some great things outside of poker, outside of 2+2. Y'know simple things like spending time with people, seeing new places, and as basic as that sounds it's been great. I'm gonna see out this guinea pig thing as it's a means to an end at this point, and I want the new year to have plenty of options that aren't limited by me being a busto ass degen.

Yeah, tl;dr, it's late and I've had like 5 coffees today, felt like writing this **** down. It still feels weird writing about my life to a bunch of strangers. If people didn't write such long posts showing that for whatever reason they're interested, I wouldn't continue to post here, but whatever. I feel some kind of debt to the posters who have been there throughout all of this and have stuck by me, but in the end I like writing, and it's good practice for any future endeavors (even though I still have to use spell check on that word).

In 9 days I'll be a guinea pig once again. I'm really not looking forward to it. The recycled air. The **** food. The godforsaken f u c k i n g INACTIVITY. There's no ****ing exercise bike anymore. I'm gonna go freakin crazy in there. This time around things are a lot different. The fact that I blew my last cheque in record time is not lost on me, and considering my last drink was only 8 days ago, I have good reason to be fearful. But I believe the foundation I have begun building with the meetings and the fellowship will help give me the brain capacity to not let there be a repeat. There may be some soul searching in a foreign country though. I don't believe in God but I pray to whatever that I can have just one more chance.

nice post. gl to you; it won't be easy.

Play some while you're in. I know people will say you have to quit 100%, but as you noted, that's setting yourself up for failure since you can't imagine quitting forever. That's why they say "one day at a time" in all step programs. You don't really want to quit, you just want normal. Maybe you can do it, but it will be hard and you may find quitting 100% is really better.

I'm sure another guinea pig sweat thread would not go unappreciated.

^ i agree. good luck in your future endeavors my friend.

Agree with this poster.

Also; good post NWB. I think you sound much more grounded in reality here than I've seen to date. As I've repeated numerous times before, poker has been a drug to you and always will be to some extent--especially if you link it with the idea of financial freedom and escapism from your day to day reality.

I've always suspected that the real professional players don't get that chemical rush in their brains the same way recreational, amateur players do. I don't see how they could succeed in the game long term if it had that effect on them.

Playing poker correctly within your bankroll and making good decisions basically takes away most of the rush or excitement and turns it into just another job. Maybe a fun job if you truly love the game, but a job nonetheless. Problem gamblers don't want to play poker the way it needs to be played to be successful at it...that's my theory.

Once poker is put in it's proper place, however, it's possible you could truly just see it as a little entertainment you engage in occasionally. I was able to do this with poker once I fully accepted that I'd never be good enough or mentally stable enough to go pro or really make any income from the game.

I find now that I enjoy poker more as a spectator sport than as a participant, but that's just me. Watching Ivey make some crazy four bet bluff is exciting like watching Tom Brady drive down the field at the end of the 4th quarter is exciting. It doesn't mean that I think I can do it myself.

You're a very good writer, and someday this will be a story that others will read for inspiration instead of purely rubbernecking a horrible bloody accident (which is all it's been up until this point for the most part). All you need to do is complete the final step of staying off the booze and making a go of it as a writer or perhaps a world traveler--wherever it is your passion for life takes you.

Best of luck as always.

Aaron

if you can limit yourself to just that one tourney per week you will really look forward to it and be much more likely to play your A game

That's a hell of a big "IF." And the answer is no, unfortunately. NWB is making the right choice by leaving this game behind. He will always chase losses and go busto. The subconcious (or conscious) Martingale. Don't encourage NWB to play at all. It's as financially destructive to him as the alcohol is to his body and mind.

Rooting for you NWB, and appreciate your vulnerability here.