please respond to this in any way as i found it the best/most interesting non-op post in this entire thread

Day 8 of 34.

I dreamt that I was playing a $1,000 live PLO tournament somewhere in Southeast Asia, and that I cashed for 12k, and when I woke up I was overwhelmed with love for this f*ckng game. That doesn't mean I'm gonna deposit what meager funds I have onto Stars and chase the dream. It just means that I cannot deny the way I feel.

I was up late last night having intense religious and philosophical debates with Bed 4 (Bed 1 from my previous trial). I think that writing again ITT has helped with my verbal ability, or maybe it's just how naturally passionate I get when talking about this sujbect, because I was able to articulate with great precision all my points of view while never losing my patience or my temper, no matter how many times we went around in circles. Another guy joined in, sharing the same beliefs as Bed 4, and for three hours we exchanged our points of view. As stimulating as this was, in the end it was like getting a blowjob wearing a condom - it fell just short of satisfying. I kept waiting for some ecstasy of climax, some breakthrough of wisdom and knowledge, but all I ever got was "but the bible says....". Genuine beliefs from the heart would have been great, but they just continually referred back to the textbook. Very dissapointing. I was not trying to get them to renounce their beliefs, or to upset them, all I wanted was for them to admit once, just once, that perhaps some of the points I were making seemed plausible. That's all. For them to say that I was making sense. Or maybe I'm just some punk who thinks he knows everything, either way I know there's another forum for this and it's tl;dr, but after 8 days in the same room together debates like these help break the monotony.

The doctor is going to talk to us all as a group regarding the Yellow Bastard syndrome. I've been hearing paranoid murmers of "jaundice" and "liver failure" around the ward, but I'm not gonna panic just yet.

Thanks man. When this is over I wil be paid $6,600. At this moment, I envision using that money to travel. I can't think of anything better I could do with it. As for financial planning, yeah I really suck at that and could definately use some advice. For starters I would forget about playing online poker, so that would obviously go a long way in ensuring I remain afloat. My main concern is that my general take-it-as-it-comes attitude may land me in some unforeseen strife in a foreign land with foreign rules and regulations. But I'm still very keen to get out there and see for myself. If I don't do it soon I will probably regret it forever.

It's good to know I'm not alone.

Last night I was playing with two other guys on my trial, no money involved, but we were playing to win. When we were heads up, blinds were 200/400, and I looked down and found KK on the button. I raised to 1400, guy calls. Flop is K3Q. Guy checks, and from the way he's played I know he's folding to a bet here unless he has a Q. I check behind. Turn is the A. He bets out 2000. I think about it and think it's very unlikely he has J10. Ace rag, perhaps. Maybe two diamonds. Either way I definately sense he is weak, but will call to see a river. I raise to 5000. He goes all in for his last 1600 on top, I call. River is the J and he turns over 106 for the straight. I couldn't believe it. I laughed and shook his hand and congratulated him on winning, but then I realized that if I was playing that hand at the casino, or anywhere for money, that I would probably be playing with my entire BR and would have put everything on that hand, - and I would have lost. Instead of being a bad beat, it would have been devastating. Then I thought about the millions of people of have experienced this millions of times, and I felt some connection with them, or maybe just some clarity and realized that acts of desperation fail for a reason.

I believe that if I had been able to follow a few basic rules, that I would have a lot of money today (by my standards). The fact that I again and again risk 100% in one game is the reason I fail. Oh yeah, and then there's the tilt issues. But there are rules to protect from that as well. It all comes down to discipline. Or my lack of it.

I'm just waiting for some rungood bro. You should include the losses from Fulltilt if you really wanna kick me in the nuts.

I did: http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sh...postcount=1636

I screwed up with the copy and pasting and realize that it was not clear that I was replying to that specific post, hopefully that helps.

boy oh boy

First of, I haven't read much of the thread at all, didn't really grasp how severe this all is. Letta me give you my two cents, could very well be wrong here

From my understanding of Psychology, people do this 'cause they feel threatened on some level. We all have this sort of "well being measurement" going on; the person at the top of the social hierarchy, we'll call him/her the alpha, feels great and doesn't get so upset over trivial stuff because he knows he's secure, whilst the person at the bottom of the hierarchy, the omega, is struggling through life, he sees stuff as a threat and tends to frantically become attached to things to help him get out of his desperate situation, when he loses a game it is a dangerous thing to happen, because he's just demonstrated less worth and has a higher chance of being removed from the social pack, =high probability of death. Yes yes crazy not-in touch with reality theory whatever.



What are you avoiding? Don't try to hide from it, or pretend it isn't their, rather seek it, than accept it and let go. When facing it, don't have any judgements, just watched it, listen to it, try to figure it out. This, this is the underlying issue. I remember awhile ago you hated silence. Silence let's the thoughts return, the thoughts bring reminders of your well being quotient(for lack of a better phrase) the alcohol/gambling let's you escape them. You've got some ****ed up issues buried deep within you subconscience man, you NEED to figure it out and deal with it. Creating rules or going traveling isn't really dealing with them. I cant stress this enough, you NEED to find out why you're like this and correct it as such.

My advice to you: Seek help. Seek it in all it's form. Keep a open mind, but make sure it's filtered with skepticism, many people out their will rip people life you of, intentionally or unintentionally. Accept that somethings you won't be able to understand at first, that you can't be sure if what they're saying is the truth or not. Keep in mind what they're saying, play it like a poker hand. "Decent probability that this is bs, but if it's correct their could be a huge payoff+ very little investment" "haven't got enough information to deduce whether this is bs or not, will keep a undecided mind till more information is obtained"

Try finding a Psychologist, if you're under 25 they're free in SA. http://www.headspace.org.au/

I in a way hate preaching religious stuff, but read this book, remember, little investment, potential big payoff, +ev regardless of the low probability, but read this book "The Power of Now" http://www.monova.org/torrent/285215...ok-PDF%29.html

Not even sure why it's religious, seems more like a Philosophy to me but whatever

This is the most important part, as silly as it is, LEARN TO MEDITATE Seriously, learn it, read about it, read read read. Perhaps a better introduction to this stuff would be one that has a heavy focus on poker. Try to find a copy of the eightfold path to poker enlightenment by tommy angelo, seriously good stuff, he uses many more ancient teachings to help poker plays not tilt at the table, but is bit of a life changing video, what one does for their life situation one does for their win-rate. If you can't find it I'll send it to you.

Consider finding a shrink or something, I don't know much about that though, from my understanding of Psychology, hypnosis is a very, very powerful thing. Could help find what's hiding underneath, heck you could have been raped as a child or something that's causing all this bs, remembering it and accepting it with no judgement is an amazing cure for many of these things.

And for more 2+2 rambling, pretty awesome thread:

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/79...your-life-787/

NWB- your only chance when you get out of there is inpatient rehab for which you should have plenty of cash. You need 30, 60, or preferably 90 days of INPATIENT meaning you live there- this will work- you will like it, especially after this crazy medical stuff rehab would be like heaven. The first 90 days will be very easy because that is how inpatient is, the next period after that is tougher, but a sober living situation for 6 months or so will turn your life completely around and give you a very good shot at true sobriety and happiness.

Trust me- I have been where you are- if you submit to the program (I know its tough at first) you will look back and realize after 6 months or so that you are happier and healthier than you ever thought you could be.

I'm not hating I read this entire thread and you and I and everyone reading this knows that you are going to get out, have a butt load of cash burning a hole in your pocket, you are going to get a "proper English breakfast", the walls of your place are going to start talking to you and it is only a matter of time before the money is gone over the computer and you are ****faced somewhere saying "I can't believe I got ****faced again and blew it all".

http://www.adin.com.au/content.asp?Document_ID=38

Thanks for the med trial stories. They're a good read.

--pics of yellowness?

looks like a yellow people eater to me

Day 9 of 34.

Woke up this morning, fired up a 25fpp satellite to tonights $55 PLO as it's the only way I'm gonna play. Around 100 players, rebought once, made it to final table, top two win entry. Busted out in 3rd place FFFUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!! Whatever.

Day got better soon enough when we were allowed out of our cages and went on an excursion to the zoo. I felt like I'd emerged from a tomb. The sunshine was divine. We got there and were allowed to go off on our own and regroup two hours later. I saw all the old faces, the flamingo, the tigers. I didn't take many photos but I did take one of the creatures that I spent the most time with.



Afterwards we went back, I fell asleep and had am intense vivid drinking dream (you alcy's out there will know what I'm talking about). I had ducked away from the group just as everyone was going back in from the excursion, and I went to my car where my friend was waiting with a full bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream Liqueur. I had one drink and it tasted good, so I had another. Immediately it was like an unknown had control of my body, and I could not fight my hands from raising the bottle to my lips, and I couldn't stop drinking and panic set as I realized I was gonna get kicked off the trial and surely they had noticed I was missing and how the **** am I gonna get back in undetected and........ I awoke soaked with sweat.

I've taken to a room in the rear of this place where I can be alone for a while and haven't been disturbed for hours now. Just been writing, talking to friends on the phone. A very good friend is having his engagement party not far from where I am currently imprisoned, and I spoke ot him on the phone and now I'm really wanting to escape. I'm pretty sure I could, but there are a lot of factors that could be my undoing should I decide to proceed: my fellow subjects would see me leaving and would be unable to resist to urge to discuss it which would alert staff, the security on the ground floor would see me and telephone the unit to report my departure, I could end up drinking and getting kicked off the study... No. I think I gotta accept that this is where I will be spending the night.

I like your analysis dude. Very interesting.

I am seeking help dude. I think. I miss my AA meetings heaps. I got a phone call from a member yesterday and he was sh*tfaced with another member. Kind of makes me sad but it's the way it is. You've got your older sober members and you've got the ones that are still struggling. I have to remind myself which category I fall under when my mind drifts into places of fantasy, like I've been sober for 10 years instead of < 1 month.

Several people have suggested meditation. I was speaking to Bed 6 about this earlier today, his friend is currently on a 9 day Buddhist retreat. No phone, internet, and almost no talking. I am interested. Here's a link, check it out, it sounds incredible: http://www.jhanagrove.org.au/retreat-info.html

I've bookmarked that thread, wow I really have a lot of great reading material to get me through the next few days. Australian author too, awesome. I was seeing a shrink for a while there, and she was good, but I ran out of sessions and alas I'm too old now to get any more for free under the youth mental health service plan. In regards to the idea that there was some childhood trauma, pretty sure nothing happened like you mentioned, but who knows what other things could occur in early years that could contribute to neurosis in later life... I'm definately a few cans short of a six pack, maybe there's an explanation in the past.

Holy crap dude I just realized how long your post was! Means a lot that you'd give up so much of your precious time away from the bees! PM me where you're from and how often you're up my way.

Whatever you like, your first one was fine. Can't argue with numbers. "Sucking at deh pokerz" can mean many things. I know why I'm a losing player.

...

You know I know everyone knows, the cycle of addiction is clear in the hundreds of posts I've made ITT. It's not always apparent to the person it applies too, especially when they're entangled in it. But the cycle is jsut that, a circle that goes round and round, that HAS gone round and round for a very long time. I saw a model that summed it up perfectly. It was similar to this one but in more detail:



It's like I need hindsight to understand the present. Ahhh I'm venturing into strange territory with this... At least I can say since entering AA the overal regularity of my drinking has hugely decreased. The severity has not lowered, but on the whole there is improvement, this is the point I wish to make. Regardless of how poorly I can assess what is happening and what will happen, I can see that progress is being made. That is not a delusion. That I have had relapses does not change that, and I only say this to reinforce my own belief that ther is hope to change things. Rehab is an option I guess. A lot of my fellow AA members have been to rehabs. I'll talk to them about their experiences and find out what they feel it achieved for them.

No problem, it's not like I've got a whole of things better I could be doing while in here I took pics but they don't really show the yellowness. And then I didn't wanna upload them because there wasn't a single one where I didn't look like a crazy person. Must... not... let them see... the truth...

Holy crap I've been writing for ages. This place is good for that.

finally a true DEGEN.

i also wonder why becoming guinea pig isnt more respectable
i think you are contributing more to society than most!

good thread nwb - moar nursbewbz!

Inpatient- INPATIENT!!!!! INPATIENTTTTTTTTTT lol- seriously AA is not going to work for you your problem is too severe.

Inpatient is great it is a huge relief. Whether you admit it or not I know you are apprehensive about when you leave the structure of this study (which sounds very similar to rehab btw- very structured).

The way you handle the medical studies I know for a fact you would do extremely well in inpatient treatment. Anyone who is saying "oh just cut back" or similar things simply doesn't have any idea what you are facing. 100 percent, absolutely, your only chance of not ending up in the same spot within a month of leaving is inpatient treatment for 90 days. Anyone who says anything else just simply doesn't know what they are talking about.

I don't know much about inpatient, but it would be a bit silly if it is simply locking him up without any means of directing him into productive action. Like there should be people working out why he has the addiction in the first place, with avenues for him to learn positive life skills, like how to cook/meditate and what not

Interesting use of the word "finally" and the use of capitals for "degen" it's as if you've been waiting for awhile now for somebody with unhealthy habits and you've gained pleasure from it.



That will definitely help, but it won't be a fix on it's on. It seems quite intense though, in your current state I think you'd have great troubles trying to stick with it. There was some free meditation beginner stuff on the site, check that out first before you go with it, you know, baby steps

and check out that book!! there's no god or rules or any of that stuff. and the poker one too!! http://************.org/details.php?id=6496300

I think people just like to tell other people what to do and get mad when they feel you aren't following their advice. Control freaks.

Day 10 pleeeeze...

It being a year to the day of NWB's first post, I think it would be appropriate to repost it here (from degen stories thread) and silently reflect on what has changed, what has improved, what has not, what has rolled back, and what has progressed.

Ben I have no doubt you have made some progress, but was it as much as you liked? What are you going to do about it in the future? I don't ask that you respond directly to these questions, since so much of what you've been recently posting already deals with this, and I seek out no argument or debate.

Cheers on this anniversary of an uninteresting event... I toast you with a glass of soda, in good taste.

^^ Haha nice. Will reply shortly.


Day 11 of 34.

Day 10 was spent fairly uneventfully. Wake up to an aspiring Nurse Ratched laughing at me for being yellow consume more yellow inducing substances, go back to sleep, wake up, get stabbed with needles, go back to sleep, wake up, play chess, lose twice, vow vengeance, rematch, victory!! Day 10 is a success.

Today was a good day mentally. I woke up in good spirits and set out for my morning walk, up and down the hallway, which is as long or as short as I want it to be. Scenery kinda sucks, but I bring my ipod and listen to albums that I've been meaning to listen to, from start to finish. I had almost forgotten how enjoyable such a simple thing can be. After that I made a phone call to another drug testing facility in Melbourne to enquire about any upcoming studies for when I get out of here - I spoke to the girl and she put me on the list for one starting in the new year worth over $5,000, a nice boost to my travel roll. I'll have to travel the 900 or so km's over there to screen for it, and if successful will be spending a couple of months in Melbourne, in and out of the facility. Get to see some friends that are over, maybe some distant family, even some 2+2er's (atennisplayah?). And of course I'll have to pay a visit to the Crown Casino and see if everything I've heard about their PLO games are true. I'm looking forward to it. I know the guinea pig thing is probably looked down upon, but tbh it's good to actually have some short term goals, especially ones that will help me get overseas and away from this city.

Today Bed 4 came 2nd in a $3.30 rebuy tournament for $350. He offered to ship me $20, as we had xfered each other a number of times back in February when one of us would go busto. I accepted the money and accepted that I would play once again.

I entered a $2.20 PLO $500 guarantee and busted out on the first hand. Allow me to explain:

I'm dealt 78910 in the BB. Guy in middle position raises to 70, folded to the button who calls and I call.

Flop comes A86

I check, MP quickly bets pot, 220. I put him on Aces, Ace with some broadway cards and possible flush draw. Button calls (according to Sharkscope he's a fish with -89% ROI, not sure what he has). Pot is 880.

Turn is 7

I check the nut straight, confident MP will bet and I can 3-bet all in. He does, but only 140. I know he doesn't have Aces now. The button calls and I raise pot, annoyed that I could't get it all in but I didn't really see any alternative. They both call.

River is 6

I check and MP goes all in for his remaining ~1200. Button calls. I sigh. I'm not folding, I'm almost certain I have MP beat, button could have missed his FD and just has a 6 or an Ace. I call. MP has AKQ2. Button has A632 and wins. WP donk, GG.

This hand really intrigued me, and I put it in the odds calc to try figure out if I played it correctly. On the turn when they both called my big reraise, I was 72.22% to win, MP was 19.44%, Button had 8.33%. tl;dr for a $2.20 hand, I know.

Later I fired up a $5.50 mixed PLHE/PLO tourney. I've been really enjoying these. Firstly it gives me periodic breaks from PLO which can be very helpful in bringing down the adrenaline that comes from Omaha, calming things and helping me focus. Secondly, it makes me spend time on Hold 'em, a game I've largely neglected. Third, it's fun. I played good, had a blast and came 1st out of 32 for $64. BR went from $0 to $20 to $76 in a few hours. Might be able to play the $55 PLO Saturday MTT after all.

I think we get it by now...

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I've read this whole thread. I've got to say I totally loved it for the first 75% or so before you fell into total darkness. Then it jus got really depressing

OP I would like to know if you really want to or plan on changing your life. (in regards to poker is what I mean here, your problems with alcohol are not even in the same galaxy as what I could even begin to understand)

I think we would all really like to see a positive redirection of your life.

all the best.

This is exactly what inpatient is- its sort of like tying a small young tree to a post to keep the wind from destroying it. That 90 days of structure (it is VERY structured) are hopefully enough to set someone on the path toward true sobriety and recovery.

This thread was fascinating and pulled me in but NWB literally has one option now that will make this story anything other than "omg I lost it all and woke up in jail facing manslaughter for DUI having no recollection of what happened." 100 percent you will get hammered and do god knows what if you don't go to inpatient and you know it.

OP you should turn this whole adventure into a book. Your journey has been very interesting to read and you communicate your story very well throughout this thread. If nothing else it would give you something very productive to do, and maybe others could learn from you.

Great to things are looking up, hopefully you get a spot at this new facility.

Start of next year brings the Aussie Millions at Crown and the Australian Open at Melbourne park! What more can one ask for than great weather, people, sports and action at the cas? In fitting with your latest beat taken at the PLO sng's you entered I actually had some lollive 1/2 PLO going after getting a table started with some other guys at crown. 8 handed with 1 whale, some reg's and one shark who was playing while waiting for his seat at a 20/40 limit game to open up.

I bust my first BI when mr 20/40 rivered the top end of the straight over my low. Reload and nit it up until I get my 5's full of aces coolered by some guy (cant remember my hole cards exactly) by 8's full of aces. Loved the plo action though, I may have caught the bug.

haha yeah mate I cant wait to get him down to teddy KGB's dungeoun in carlton and own his soul HU4rollz. Ill ring my man mike mcdermott to come pick him up from the facility and stake him.

Atennisplayah couldn't stack Lincoln Logs- I've seen you play.

wat

Day 15 of 34.

Today we earn our money. 6am, room comes alive with activity, cannulation of veins occur before eyes have even adjusted to the lights, nurses fill the room, returning to sleep is no longer an option. Today will be a constant series of ECG's, blood pressure readings, water restrictions, enforced wakefulness and supine posture for 8 hours, and blood extractions that will continue throughout the early hours of the tomorrow morning. Welcome to an Intensive Day, our 2nd so far, with a total of 4 before this trial is over.


On Day 17 we will be released to the outside world before returning to the facility ten days later for the remaining 17 days. There will likely be some confusion about this, especially when future posts read Day 19, day 20 etc yet will not appear till December. I think I may have screwed up the order of the dates somewhere by a day. Easy to do considering half the time we don't even know what day it is. But today is definately day 15. I think.

I'm stuck in bed for the next 8 hours. Time to write.

Past few days have been pretty up and down. I actually wish Bed 4 hadn't shipped me that $20. It locked me in to that familiar cycle until it was gone. For that reason:

Offers like this are very generous, but I don't want money from anyone. I'm already getting money for my time in this place, and my motivation for keeping this thread alive is about something very different. But thankyou though.

Once poker ceased being the reason for being conscious, my focus was able to shift back to what I might do when I get out of here. It's weird. For the first time in what feels like, well, ever, I'm actually taking steps to choose what path I will go instead of rejecting my active participation in this particular aspect of my life. I managed to find return tickets to the Phillipines for $298! When I inquired earlier in the year, the cheapest I could find was $1,400. What. The. F*ck. All I have to do is catch the Darwin flight out of the country, and I found a ticket to get there for only $100. Seems too good to be true.

Wow, it's been a year since that post. Feels like a long time ago. A year since rocking up to work straight from the drunk tank. Since those horrible storeroom degen sessions and living alone in my overpriced apartment of death.

At the time that post was written, I had not gone longer that three weeks without a drink in over a decade. Since finding AA this year, I've had sober periods of ten weeks, four weeks, and today is a month without a drink. This is seriously huge, and hopefully indicative of a continous trend. Also my biggest scores in MTT's and live cash occurred since then. Unfortunately one thing which has not changed is my inability to use BRM. As a result, the end result of my poker endeavours has remained the same. I am hopeful that all things considered, things in general will keep getting better. This thread, although sounding like a broken record, has actually changed the overall tune of my life in a big way, for despite being borderline ******ed in my repeated making of the same mistakes, the advice and guidance I've been given here is something I'm getting for the first time. Every poster who's stopped past to give their thoughts has played some part, and I'm grateful. I just hope that the effort I put into telling this story serves some kind of purpose for those that have invested the time to read it. A lot have dropped off, unsubscribed, turned away, and that in itself has helped me adjust my perspective. At the end of the day I'm just a guy rambling on about his unexceptional life and his struggles until people no longer give a sh*t.

Thankyou. This is something I want to do at some stage for sure.

Thanks for your well wishes mate.

Maybe I had to go through that dark time. It got me to AA after all. I don't know where I stand in regards to fate or whatever, but maybe it was necessary to teach me something. Time will tell.

Change is a complicated idea. I do want to change, but I also don't. I guess that's simply fear, or at least I'm hoping it is. Maybe I've been doing the same thing so long that sometimes the idea that change is possible seems like fantasy. Clarity in the present is something rare and fleeting in my case. Oh I just noticed you meant in regards to poker. My best laid plans always fail due to lack of discipline. I make self-justified deviations and my abilty to foresee the likely outcome becomes obscured because I just want to play. Yes I do very much want to change. But it seems I cannot. So, I've banned myself from all games, for 120 days, starting now. It hasn't sunk in yet, but already there is a strange sense of relief.