/confused

Well i finally managed to finish it.
I did read every single post, and find i can't just close the thread.
If nothing else i just need to say "i was here".

i Have mixed feelings, there is definitely allot of value in this thread which along the way started losing in entertainment value and gradually adding in real value.

I have no other option at the moment then to treat this thread and consequently you NWB exactly as you are presented in here, and by doing so i must say...

...i don't like you, for me though that is not important, but for you, it may be valuable.

Your writing ability is at a much higher level than your education would suggest, you can also play music which you taught yourself to do so, something that for me is magical, and despite the harshness of the game you can play poker good enough to often scoop good wins in the short run.

So although you have not had the education or the personality to do so you surely manage to do very good at anything you decide to put effort in, you learn fast, have talent, and always seem to manage to spring back up to your feet no matter how hard you have fallen, OK these are the good things.

The bad things, oh well i don't need to say much, your posts say everything, lacking any psychological and medical training i can't give a much preciser definition then that you are a self destructing mental case, and in my opinion probably a lost cause.

The best you can hope for is a life time in prison which may be good for you but also means you have killed someone and you have caused allot of pain and suffering to others.

Thing is that throughout history allot of people that fit your profile, totally mental, bipolar, self destructive addictive, but extremely intelligent and talented persons, have left great things behind them, they have not lived much but their work or legacy does exceed many normal lifetimes.

Can you be one of them? probably not, but hope dies last and if there is one thing that stops any chance of this happening, that is poker, unfortunately it exclusively and slowly sips up your limited time you have on this earth and along with it vanquishes any chance you have to do something creative and truly amazing with it.

And poker already has it's degenerate legend, Stu Ungar is this legend, his legacy can never be surpassed, this is the highest anyone in poker can get, and in the end everyone remembers him as exactly what he was, the greatest player ever, the big winner in poker, but the ultimate loser in life.

Now think about all of those who have done the same but in other fields, music, writing, painting, mathematics, to name a few, should i actually post names? no not necessary, they have all left exactly the same legacy of being the best ever at their field, and today people sing their songs or read their writings, or use their scientific discoveries, eventually they all went down the same self destructing road, but no one calls them losers in life.

Find something else except poker to explore, to try and bend to your will to hate and love and maybe have a chance to create something wonderful until it destroys you, then...

...i will like you and although it may not be important to you, for me it would be valuable.

^Cool post.

That is a cool post. I want to know what NWB is up to- I really hope you are keeping it together. Honestly if you can focus on not drinking at least that will slow down any degen behavior- heck you may not degen at all if you are sober.

For some reason I really wanna meet you now; perhaps it's because I'm isolated out on a bee farm? idk, nonetheless shoot me a PM and we'll plan a date, doesn't necessarily have to be at the casino

If you feed the bee's Cannabis- will you get cannahoney?

hehe, nah, it'd be called honey still, just a cannabis variety. Would be awesome if it worked, doubt it would though; first of, one would need a **** load of cannabis, like a field of them. Even if one could get that, I'm pretty sure the THC is in the female plant, and the pollen in the male, so I'm fairly sure it wouldn't get you high, cannabis polinates without animals too, it uses the wind, + even if it did work you'd have one lazy ass collection of bees, they'd eat the pollen, so they'd be constantly stoned ahahahah, hmmrmrm could be good for stings but, instead of smoking them let them smokes themselves

Day 6 of 34.

I can't believe I'm back in this place. How the hell did I ever last 42 days? I hate it here. I feel like ****, I haven't been sleeping, and I'm sick with rage at my degen relapse that has consumed me since I got here (more on that later). I've been in here almost a week, and I want out real bad. This time feels very different than the last - at least that's the way my memory sees it. It's hard to explain what it's like in here, not least of all because I'm actually forbidden from doing so, it's just how do you describe this bizarre predicament? A strange stopover on an even stranger journey. I feel trapped in this place because I know that the harsh reality that I've been running from all this time has caught up with me, and the broken record that so many have spoken of is playing it's old tune for no one louder than me. My apologies for such melodrama. I want to destroy everything in this room.

Now, onto the cast. If any of you loyal readers remember Bed 1 from the previous feature presentation, he's back, ladies and gentlemen, the true veteran of the medial trials, he is as much a permanent fixture here as the walls that surround us, and he's advanced in the hospital bed hierachy to become Bed 4 - the one directly opposite me. The ten other participants that are stuck with me in here are all new faces. We've got a middle aged guy about to embark on a new job teaching English in China, a guy straight outta the office of the Labor Party, a young lad bound for Canada who sleeps most of the time, a quiet male who happens to be vegetarian and with whom I have exchanged several documentaries, a guy in the nursing industry that can solve any Rubik's Cube puzzle in 30 seconds, a scientist, an Englishman, a Marine Biologist who we call Edward Norton due to his Worm-like resemblance, and a couple of other guys who are mates from the outside. Twelve guys with different lives forced to co-exist in close proximity to with one another for over a month... Gone are the days of waking up to loud exclamations of bad beats, these fellows, while all being upstanding gentlemen, are not really of the poker ilk (although we did have one home game on the first night). These guys prefer watching movies, sleeping, and playing Settlers of Catan. Surprisingly, we all, more or less, get on fine.

The staff is a mixture of old and new. And before you can ask - yes. The star of nurseboob fame is still here (I think Bed 1 has a crush on her). So is Nurse Ratched, and it is with great sadness that I must inform you all: she has removed the bike. This is a huge factor in this trial being ghey. I've developed a decent exercise routine, push-ups, stretches, walking up and down the corridor with a water cooler bottle in each hand, but it's no substitute for the bike. The walls may be painted with blood before the month is out.

As far as the drugs/medical procedures go it's not so bad. Our days are mainly free from obligation, but in a way that's part of the problem... I have way too much time to think if you know what I mean. I find myself doing anything to avoid introspection. For this reason I put off writing here until now.

When I entered here 6 days ago I had stuck to my plan of not playing except on Saturday nights. On the first night we played $5 buy in Monopoly (at least these guys have a little degen in 'em), and despite being crap at the game I luckboxed two straight wins. It was then suggested we have a $5 buy in game of Hold 'em. Why not, I thought. I came first and took in $20 (loldonkaments). Then Bed 4 (formerly Bed 1) challenged me to $1.50 HU PLH/PLO matches on Stars, which I felt would be foolish to refuse considering how bad I know he is. And of course, when that was over, I thought maybe one little tourney couldn't hurt... Two days later I'm down around $100, and am amazed how willingly I pushed everything out of my head in order to justify playing. With my last $10 I grinded out a bunch of wins and eventually got all the way up to $210. Great, I can register for the Saturday $55, cash the rest out and be done with it. But of course that didn't happen. I lost it all playing 1/2 when some complete f*cking spastic called put his whole 150bb stack AIPF with 2359 rainbow against my AKQJ d/s. I am not joking. I miss everything and he lands some sh*tty two pair and I go f*cking ballistic. I couldn't f*cking believe it, but in the end it's the same old story - the inevitable conclusion to every one of my degen rampages is busto. Please refrain from exasperated tirades about how I'll never learn and how I should stop - I am well aware of this and am dealing with it.

And for the record I'm on my 23rd day without a drink. I've maintained contact with AA members via phone calls and text messages. I miss meetings a lot. When I get out of here first thing I want to do is ride my bike across the other side of town to the meeting I first went to 4-5 months back.

Wow I actually feel considerably better now. Thanks for reading. I'm off to play Chess with the Rubik's Cube guy. We're 1-1 and I'm hoping to improve my score. I'll respond to a few of the posts that have come up in the past week or so shortly.

Made me lol.

In real life, I rarely lose my temper. I am generally calm and rational, occasionally passionate in my beliefs, and have no problem admitting I'm wrong. But when it comes to poker, or a video game, or a board game, I f*cking despise losing. Losing a game of Chess (which just happened) tilts the hell out of me. This is obviously a major defect to possess. I wonder if any of the keen minds out there can help me understand why that happens. It's like I get so lost and forget - it's just a ga

^^ I'm a ******, don't know how that happened.

- it's just a game!

Welcome to the delusional world of addiction. Defies logic, boggles the mind. To answer your question - I don't know.

Yeah this is about right. Total abstinence.

I don't know what any of those things are except BB, and I couldn't think of anything worse.

Thankyou for your post, and I'm glad you think there is some value in here. I've often felt that this thread could very well serve to help many others out there. There are also a lot of other threads in these forums I could say the same for. The advice/wisdom presented throughout is astonishing.

"you are a self destructing mental case, and in my opinion probably a lost cause."

I have to walk around with the knowledge of this in my head, and still have to keep hope and try to find my way through life. It can be really, really hard, and I constantly sabotage myself. I don't want to say I can't help it, I want to overcome it. It just never happens. I have f*cked up a thousand times, I'm still going to keep trying. I have no choice. The alternative is the hell I visit with booze, and I don't want that to be my destination.

"if there is one thing that stops any chance of this happening, that is poker, unfortunately it exclusively and slowly sips up your limited time you have on this earth and along with it vanquishes any chance you have to do something creative and truly amazing with it."

This hits very close to home. If there's just one lesson to be learned from the past 4 years that poker has utterly consumed my life, it's this. I was a different person before poker took over. At first poker helped me to not drink. Then I had to drink to get away from poker. Then I was lost to them both and I welcomed the escape. But the kind of escape they offer, or more specifically, the level of escape I seek in them is simply too much, it's impossible and insanity looms closer with every relapse, every sick venture back into the pit.

Poker took such a powerful hold over me because it looked very much like the solution to one of my greatest fears: not having enough money to survive. How ironic that it ultimately bolsters that fear. The thought of a life sentence of slavery in some job I hate is one that I don't like at all - that's not to say I don't have a good work ethic. Every job I've had I've worked my ass off and been praised for my capabilities, but the experience of servitude and submission brought with them their own ill feelings. Poker was my ticket out, I thought it was the answer. Now I've got a screwed up back and I'm in a goddamn medical facility in order to get money for the near future. Funny where your own stubborn ideals get you in life.

Thankyou dude. You've really captured what I felt in my heart and brought it to the forefront of my attention. I'm glad you've taken an interest in this thread.

cliffs?

http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Poker-...0852495&sr=8-1

Morphy

When you say you added $77 to the cause do you mean you bought $77 in tourney cash/tickets, or you bought into a $77 tournament with your fpp's? If the first skip over the spoiler, if the second:

nvm, doesn't matter anyway, hadn't read your latest posts

can't say anything else except...gl

Never Was Been bitches!!!

What i will suggest may sound very extreme and honestly it is.

You will at some point have another big sum of money in your hands.

I know what will happen with it, everyone knows, even you do, but....

Here is an idea, don't make any promises of how you will get to use it wisely for yourself, since you will not manage it.

Instead of donating it to the regulars and professionals of your local casino who by this time know exactly how to play you into giving it to them....

....find someone who truly needs help, find a single mother for example who can't find a job, has children to support, or an orphan, ask your local church or civil agency to help you find someone, just use your intellect to know it is a legit case and you are not scammed.

Don't just go give and forget, make it your cause to help on a day by day basis, so you will also benefit from the experience.

When you fully realize how those 200$, with which you so easily sit on a table to gamble with, would also ensure a full months food for the one you take care of, you will get into a more real perspective of its worth.

I think that when it comes to others you really can care about them even total strangers, you also have a talent in empathy so hurting someone else would probably also hurt you, killing someone would probably totally devastate you.

Which is probably exactly the reason why you will do it....you will do it in order to destroy yourself, and like with the girls you will use the alcohol to get the courage and ethical freedom to do it.

Hopefully by taking care of someone else there is a slight possibility you will get addicted in the feeling of greatness their gratitude will give you, and helping others may become a need to help yourself.

Day 7 of 34.

The entire place is swarming with activity. An additional 28 participants have entered the facility to take part in other studies, making the total number of participants 40. I find it interesting watching the dynamic change as our group, who has been here the longest, seeks to assert themselves as the dominant group over the newcomers, with first priority to the various sources of entertainment, rec room etc. It will likely pass as soon as people mingle and break the ice by start speaking to each other. The only thing I miss is being able to wander off into one of the vacant rooms for some privacy; they're all full now.

In this room, right next to Bed 4's head, there is a large black pipe that runs vertically from the ceiling through the floor. It is likely a sewerage pipe as water travels through it. Occasionally it becomes loud with activity, and we have fun speculating about the possibilty of random faeces and bodily fluids travelling just inches from Bed 4's face. He says he finds the sound relaxing.

I can see the sun from this window and it looks like a beautiful day. They might let us out later on.

I need something productive to do while in here. Exercise is not really possible until night time when the day staff goes home. Been reading lots and lots of threads on 2+2. When someone writes something ITT that I find insightful, I see what other threads they've taken the time to post in, and so far I've come across plenty of interesting reading material. This is particularly relevant: http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/15...-waste-733718/

Looking into leaving the country when I get out of here. I've been reading the travel forum a fair bit for inspiration. There is no point waiting for the right time - it never comes, and if I don't take steps to make it happen soon I will probably die never having seen another country.

Chess ftw, i was obsessed wiith that game for like 6 months, in the early stages of playing i actually used to get headaches from thinking so hard. Keep it up.

Sh*t. First side effects of the study drug are surfacing. I'm yellow! Not as bad as the Yellow Bastard outta Sin City, but it's still unsettling to look in the mirror and see a set of yellow eyes staring back at you. Doc says the drug affects the way the body processes bile, so yellow skin/eyes are often the result. Nothing to be too worried about...

Hell yeah. It's awesome in here, passes the time and keeps your mind active. I played it a fair bit on the last study with another guy. I'm 1-3 atm with this guy, he's very good. The Englishman calls him a savant, which I think has the 'idiot' implied haha. All in good fun.

Epic thread. Spent like 2.5 hours skimming/reading it. Lots of twists and turns from going to the medical study to pay for gambling losses to running up a roll in the hospital to hitting a heater with the study money to the inevitable loss GA to AA (I think, didn't quite catch if that happened or not) all the way back to going back into the study to pay for gambling losses.

If it makes you feel better, you're not alone though. If you play a decent amount of live poker (and I actually try not to), you'll meet a dozen people just like this in no time. I'd put gambling right underneath heroin, meth, and crack for its addictive properties. The majority of poker players are addicted degenerates just like you. Hell, I've got a WSOP bracelet, two 6 figure scores online, a good sample of hands winning money at every level of PLO from 1/2 up to 10/20, and I've still got <$5K to my name right now. Black Friday's a big part of that, but at the same time, gambling's a hell of a vice.

jesus thats sick stuff iggy

keep playin mate, its just variance

Hey dude, hope day 8 is treating you well. How much dollars you getting for this one? You may need some financial planning advice if you are looking at trips and advice for realistic goals brm management for when the money hits.

You have lots of people here to help you. Any ideas for your gameplan?

Look at this as a fresh start man, a new day is here for you !!! All the best.

PLease read his latest posts? Its tilting as hell, when OP seems to have finally faced his demons and quit poker and alcohol to read posts like these.

GL and sincerly wish you the best!