Ok i gotta clear this up since a couple of ya'll have mentioned it. My parents didn't take me out to celebrate. that was a stupid choice of words. I only said it cause "I" was celebrating. Then my dad got a little drunk and suggested going to the casino, and I went with.

believe me, i'm fully aware of my circumstances and situation. I just make light of **** to deal with it. It prolly comes off as being a douche, but that's just how I am. I really respect you Rushmore, a lot more then most of the others in this thread. I appreciate your words.

I'm going to rehab with an open mind. I'm not an atheist by the way, just agnostic. but whatever. I am beginning to think it might not be so bad. I got to get my rebellious punk rocker attitude under control, this I know. I have a DIY ****'em if they don't like it attitude. I understand that won't fly well at rehab. I can be a good soldier and fall in line when it is needed, and it is, so I will. It's just my nature to flex a little bit before I give in. I don't know.

I'm an only child, and have lived a pretty independent life (well, up till now). I hate to rely on others. I've learned how to play 8 instruments all very well by myself. I know that doesn't really relate to this situation, but I'm trying to explain why I've been coming off as a stubborn douche I guess, I don't know.

it's not like they can 'force' you to do NA, as in actively participate in their whole deal. tons of people there just getting a stamp to prove they showed up.edit--since it was mentioned but w/o trying to say it's the way to get clean etc. you actually can learn some stuff/hear some serious stories. even though i don't feel NA is for me there can definitely be some value in going to some meetings--edit but you may have to go sit thru some meetings. anyway, when i say stuff that may come across as rude or whatever, well it's not intended in that way. i just feel there's no reason to candy-coat some things, you're already a heroin addict, if a few harsh-ish comments bother you well i'm sure you've endured much worse along the way.

i think you should be getting clean for one reason: yourself. who gives a rat's ass about the internet, your family--whatever. ultimately it's your life on the line and you'd like to think that's a good enough reason. all the other stuff will sort itself out. nobody's immune to some of the cruddy behavior that comes along w/ that lifestyle. the only way you're really going to avoid that is by getting/staying clean. you'd like to think it's as easy as don't use. well it is and it isn't. things don't always work out so perfectly in the real world. very few people get deep into addiction and just skip away to a new perfect life by accident one day. in fact it's much more likely you take a fairly predictable path unless you make a pretty friggin concerted effort to interrupt that before the inevitable things start to happen, which really can start to get ugly and have long-lasting(permanent) effects.

and some of my recent feelings around all this are colored by recent events this fall where i housed/helped a good friend of mine for a month who had a successful business, huge trust fund etc. world by the balls if he wanted it and still went right back home and died 2 days later. it's ***** frustrating.

I used to be really anti NA for the same reason as Benny. I'm not religious at all and the whole group prayer and higher power stuff made me uncomfortable. I soon realized I was just making excuses to myself and that the program doesn't have to be religious at all if you don't want it to be. I don't have a sponsor, and I don't participate in their prayer. I do however respectfully abstain from it and don't make it a big deal.

I go to a meeting a week, and basically the reason I go is to listen to people's stories. Every now and then, someone says something that just clicks in my head or that I can relate to well.

I don't participate in the 12 steps/sponsor aspect but you can still get something good out of the meetings if you give them a shot.

Have you ever seen a dealer show up at meetings to push dope?

God I can't ****in sleep. I got to go back to Milwaukee tomorrow to move all my stuff out and clean up the place. My dad is taking me down. And NO I'm not going to score dope. I am going to smoke as much herb as I can though.

And to Wet Work, yo I'm really sorry bro for your loss. As I've mentioned earlier, my best friend gave himself a hotshot a year ago, and I still cry like a baby when I think about him sometimes. He was in a lot of pain and decided to shoot about 15 times his normal dose. I don't know how he fit it all in the needle actually, I could of learned something from him I guess. I think his death has a lot to do with my own usage. I spiraled way out of control after that. I'm not looking for an excuse, just saying. Just don't blame yourself for your friends death since it sounds like you tried the best you could.

I just wrote an amazing song today, I think it's the best song I've ever written by far. It's about this whole recent experience. I'm going to make mirrions.

record, put on youtube, etc

Ok, Benny. A poor choice of words is no big deal. I hear you.

Take Layzie's post about NA seriously. It is a perfect perspective for people like you (ok, you and me and apparently Layzie and Wetwork). I was VERY much in my own way with the whole God aspect of NA when I was cleaning up, and then, out of left field (I have no idea how or why it happened), I realized I was full of crap and really just looking for an excuse to not let the thing work for me.

I don't go to meetings anymore, and I really do not feel like I should.

But the ones I attended after I stopped "rebelling" (yeah, tell me about having a punk-rock DIY attitude, kid ) were invaluable. There are some very cool and substantial people in the program, and they can help you.

There are often some pissing-contest douchebags and all manner of clowns. Just tolerate them.

There will be some people merely tolerating you, as well.

Point is, if you want to get and stay clean, you need to have an open mind about everyone and everything that can help you achieve that goal. NA is one such thing.

When you are sitting in a meeting, rolling your eyes, looking all James Dean or Marlon Brando at the world, and some "dumb suburban woman" stands up to "share" and she opens her mouth and spills her guts about how her dope habit ripped her family to pieces and she lost her job and they took her kids and now nobody will speak with her and she tried to commit suicide and now she has decided that rather than that life she is trying this life...you'll listen.

Nobody said you have to hold hands, weepingly "testifying," singing Kumbaya. But the time you spend at meetings at this stage is less time spent spinning your wheels and more time with the possibility of realizing the things that can help you get and stay clean.

Sorry I did the whole anonymous internet slap-around BS earlier. I was cranky as hell.

Go fix yourself.

No, that was not a double-entendre.

I want to echo what Rushmore and layzie have to say about NA, I ended up there court mandated and considered the prayer/appealing to higher power stuff to be nonsense and it was off-putting but eventually I realized that there is more to the meeting than just that.

Looking at it as relying on others is just a matter of perspective imo, its not like anyone can get clean for you it's always going to come back to you hearing what other people dealt with can be a lot of help and keep you focused on what you need to do for yourself along the way...

That's an addiction

It's odd that no one ever asks about the other way around

all these updates from benny are good, but how have you been?

LetMeLive,

I'm doing good. I'm back to working pretty much full time. I work only a 25 hour week but it's strictly a commission gig. It's keeping my mind off of drugs and the challenge of trying to make as much money as I can is really rewarding considering i'm not spending it all on drugs. I'm still around and following the thread and reading OOT daily, but as I said I don't want to turn this into my personal blog or anything.

not gonna lie layzie im quite impressed, figured youd be where benny currently is but good on ya for sticking with it. gl

still cant sleep more than 2-4 hours a night. this ****in sucks. it's been close to two weeks now. nothing new to me or anything, just saying. I just saw my doctor today, almost asked to have my Ambien script renewed, but thought better of it for some reason. I don't think it would lead me to using again, but I figure I should just stay away from all drugs. ????

I just found out last night that my parents friend is going to be at the same rehab place as me for the same amount of time. I'm a little worried. I don't know how honest I can be if I'm going to be constantly worried about him telling my parents the stuff they don't know. I mean they know I was a junkie and all, but they don't know about my stroke and stuff and ALL the drugs I was doing. Oh well.

Anyway, I'm not sure how honest I should be still. I don't want to create waves at the clinic, and I'm positive they will think I won't be able to quit if I don't follow their program. I guess I'll just see what happens.

N 82, what did you mean by "no one ever asks about the other way around?"

sorry, I'm very sleep deprived and not at 100% brain power.

did u ever give someone herion for a bj im guessin

thanks for reminding me about my GA...lol.

Nat Arem- fascinated by the idea of the exploitation of addicts.

Ok, off to rehab in 8 hours. haven't slept, don't think I will be able to. trying to get things in order (ie. contacting landlord, correcting address stuff, packing for rehab, arranging books and instruments to be brought by my parents after a week). Yeah, I'm not allowed to bring anything with me for the first week, kinda sucks, but whatever.
I'm so excited about learning to play my fiddle. being off drugs will make it SO much easier. still getting mild chills and no sleep, but it's getting better every day. whoop whoop.

anyway, I don't know if they will have internet or let me bring my iPhone, so I might not post for the next 45 days. I'll try and post updates if anyone wants, I don't know why you would though. I have a feeling life is gonna be really boring, but who knows I might learn something. ha! anyway, thanks everyone for the support, specially Layzie, Rushmore, and wetwork. you guys rock.

I've been a lot more positive lately with life. Dope really seems to **** with my head, emotionally and whatever. I just can't wait till i can sleep for 7-8 hours.

benny

gl man

sorry if this is a dumb question but i was curious if they will still be giving you things like ambien while in rehab, or if this is a 100% sober environment? either way good luck...

Good for you, Benny.

Try to stop worrying about being "bored" all the time. It's one of the major reasons for relapse. I can tell you this: when I have kids, the phrase "I'm BORED" will not be permitted.

Obviously, after your kick is all over, and you are in "recovery," you'll be all in your head, wheels spinning, emotional, etc. It cannot be avoided. But you'll start sleeping, and you'll start leveling off slowly on the mood swings and the dumb lump in your throat all the time.

And after you put in your time, and you're clean, and you have your life back, one thing is for damned sure: you shouldn't get "bored" anymore. I know I haven't been bored in years and years.

Just do your time, learn what you can, and try to get healthy.

There are MILLIONS of sick junkies out there right now who don't have any access whatsoever to a 45 day rehab. Don't take it for granted.

Looking forward to hearing how it goes there for you. Let us know as soon as you can.

Layzie, I'd love to hear an update.

+1.

Hey guys,

I've been doing really well. I'm back working for a marketing company I was working with a few years back... still sober, but at the moment I don't have internet/cable and there aren't any decent signals in my range. I will post again once I get everything straight. Hope Benny and everyone else is doing well.

so cool to hear this! Believe it or not, you have quite a few strangers on this planet rooting for you Keep on rolling