Driving was a normal thing. I was basically just getting well, not high. A combination of tolerance, lack of funds, and lack of quality heroin assured this. It may seem crazy to a non-user, but driving under the influence of heroin (as an addict) feels the same as driving sober.

Now, if you're not a normal user and just got high, you'd likely be nodding off and would be an incredible danger on the road.

I spent about half the day trying to get well, so alot of time was wasted. But if I wasn't sick then I pretty much did activities like a normal person I guess..

When sick, time crawls. When well/high, it feels about normal.

given your lack of a response i guess my post doesn't relate to you on any level...

o well sometimes you get your recollection of your own ****holes mixed up with anothers i guess

good luck anyways, whatever your personal obstacles may be

I like the movie Little Miss Sunshine how the grandfather takes up heroin late in life and says that you are an idiot to do it when you are younger. I would like to do it to at the end of life. There must be something incredible magical about the drug. The problem is that I am sure doing heroin wouldn't be as much fun at age 75 or so. But you never know...

Rinna,

I honestly just overlooked your post. That is a really really cool picture... is it a painting or something?

gl man never been there and never hope to be, never would wish it on anyone else either, gl and get well.

What is the timeline on dosing? Say you get 10 doses/bundle(?) and are feeling sick, do you take a couple to start and then use for maintenance? How often? Do you try to stretch it out? Do you get well and then try to get high or is it it impossible? What about using other substances? How far ahead do you plan using?

I planned usually day to day, maybe two days ahead depending on other factors, such as if I had to go to work early and wouldn't have time to score, money problems, things like that.

Here's a normal scenario for me if i'm sick and have a bundle.. lets say its 9am (I don't sleep well and I usually work at night so this would be the normal time I would be sick and start trying to get well) I would probably do 3 bags which would get me well for the day and give me a decent high for maybe an hour or two. The dope around here isn't that strong compared to some places, so 3 bags may sound excessive to some people.

Even though I'd be well for the day and wouldn't really need to do more, I would probably end up doing 3 more by 4 or 5 in the afternoon leaving me with 4. Now the ideal situation from here (in my eyes, when i'm strung out, now that i've been sober for a minute this all obviously doesn't sound all that rational) would be to sell to sell 2 of those so I have 20 bucks to spend for the next day, as well as two bags for the morning. Those bags would 80% of the time not make it to the morning, i'd normally do them before I go to sleep.

Now, I wake up the next day with 20$ to start with. I can work with that in some way, either by throwing in with someone, or just asking for a front. The guy I dealt with was actually reasonable and looked out for me because I at various times would bring him large amounts of money from some of my friends that don't have sources of their own. So if I was bad off id just be like "look man I got 20, let me get 5 and i'll get you back next time I see you". For the most part that wasn't a problem as long as he's not in the middle of something. I mean he isn't gonna drop what he's doing to do that, but I did always pay him back unless he told me not to worry about it, which he did sometimes.

So that's just kind of a typical 2 day look into the life of a junkie. Obviously if I wasn't a junkie and had self control I could make a bundle last alot longer but that's just the way it goes.

Thanks Layzie.

Stay clean guys.

Jesus, this is like my 22nd post today. Gotta be a record for me. Another week or two sober I'm gonna end up Carpal \ Tunnel.

That sounds really ****ty, I hope you don't fall back into that. Sucks that so many people live like that because it's a ****ty way to live obv.

It kind of sounds like how I was a few years ago with junk food. I've managed to "kick" that now although I don't think eliminating junk food is anything like getting off a drug like heroin. (I do kind of consider myself an addict in a mental sense though so I keep myself away from the bad stuff as much as possible).

It seems like the Mexicans made it the situation better for users, and people that would have been victims of crimes committed by users, by making heroin way cheaper. Do a lot more people get addicted if a bag is $8 instead of $50?

I'd like to hear Layzie/Benny's thoughts on this.

I've never seen the movie. If you mean at the end of life, as in, "i'm gonna die soon and until I do i'll have hassle-free access to heroin", then yes, absolutely I would want that. But the reality is even when you're really old you still have to deal with the financial and legality factors.

But hypothetically, yeah.

You could just retire to somewhere where it is legal like Portugal or Czech Republic. Or somewhere where doctors give OCs like candy e.g. Florida.

Ok so some could say that what you're going through is because of you're own doing. Well, I guess, that's correct. But we all go through stuff and fail. Some of us get up, try again and continue to fail. ALL of us fail. But only some of us keep trying. I really hope this is your time to succeed. You've made it past the hard part.

Now it's your time to show your friends, family, but most importantly yourself that this is it.

I don't care if you've seen this movie before or not if you do anything go rent this movie. (But if there's something in this movie that says it's ok to take drugs then disregard) yes I'm weird, we all know that. Forgive me

NSFW (language) BTW - You're Pele or Louden whichever

Here's a clip : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZeaZ...eature=related

Actually I think its 5 lol, but they might have changed it recently

And you're right. It is different in Wisconsin. I am having a hard time figuring out how, but it just is.

And GL with your recovery (you too Layzie)

Well guys I'm leaving in about an hour for the VA Beach Recovery Center. I anticipate being there about a week, where i'll attend group meetings and classes, as well as try to get myself into a normal everyday sleeping and eating pattern.

From there, it's possible that I may be accepted into a free rehab program for a 30 day stay, but that isn't set in stone yet.

Also, I just got my new Blackberry all up and running. Last time I was in this place, they allowed me to hold onto my phone in my room so I can stay in easier touch with my mom (who has been sick and in and out of the hospital lately), so if things go the same way I may be able to post an update every couple days, but I'm not sure.

I've been sober since Feb 1st and am starting to feel more encouraged and confident in my ability to do this. Thanks to everyone who contributed with all of this.

i didn't read nearly all of your posts just browsed occasionally... really hope you get well. good luck.

I'm still up at my parents house, god i haven't felt this good in ****ing ages. I mean without being on dope. I'm still tapering off suboxone, so i'm not opiate free yet, but i'm down to about 1mg a day. That is huge. I'm not even getting the hot/cold sweats anymore.

I'll admit I relapsed bad last monday, cause a friend of mine came down to visit me in milwaukee and he said if I hooked him up he would give me suboxone. I was out, so I had to do it. I don't know how people can quit cold turkey off this ****, I've done it, but damn.

I know the hot cold sweats will come back once i finally kick the suboxone, but it won't be as bad. I've been sleeping for about 6 hours a night!!!! amazing!!! once i kick the subs though, who knows.....

speaking of Little MIss sunshine, i had a 62 year old friend ask me to hook him up not too long ago. He was like, "i'm 62, what do I got to worry about?" this dude is really cool, he's a writer, and has some crazy stories of vegas and the old days. He's from NY and has some small connections with some connected mobsters or whatever. he wasn't involved, but just knew them. so i love hearing all his stories.

anyway this guy asks me if i can hook him up. I really didn't want to, but he really pestered me about it. I talked to him for like 10 minutes about all the bad ****, and told him that I would only do it once. People do not understand how addictive this **** is.
I love the movie "Little Miss Sunshine" and was totally thinking of that the whole time.

Anyway, kicking at my parents house is just great! Its so friggin beautiful and peaceful up here in northern Wisconsin. My parents house is on a peninsula, so the water is like 20 feet from the house on one side, and like 40 on the other. the peninsula points north too, so you get the sunrise and sunset on both sides of the lake. If i wasn't using a dial up connection I would post pictures.

My parents aren't rich, they just really lucked out on a cool house. I'm not trying to brag, just bringing up how the serenity and peacefulness is so good for my brain right now. I'm only thinking about dope every 20 minutes instead of 5-10. that might not seem like a big difference, but to me it's friggin huge. It surprises me, when i'm sitting around just digging not doing anything loving life, I'll be like "wow! this is awesome! i haven't even thought about dope for like the last hour"

Most people won't understand that, but it really helps me. The whole removing yourself from your situation really helps in the initial recovery period. I was planning on going home on sunday, but I might put it off a little longer. I don't know if I trust myself yet. but at the same time, I got to go home at some point, so who knows.

sorry for the long post, just wanted to give an update for anyone who might care....

benny

Due to the slow ass dial-up internet connection here at my parents I might not be posting much so I apologize if it takes me a long time to answer questions if they are asked.

Are my parents the last people on earth to have dial-up internet? ****, my iphone has way faster internet when its on the Edge network (when I'm out of the 3G area). I used to hate reading twoplustwo on my phone, but I'll never again! this is brutal.

benny

Glad to hear you're doing good. I'd stay at the parents for as long as you can.

You can switch to the mobile theme I think... should speed it up a bit

good luck Layzie at the recovery place!! I'm totally rooting for ya bro.

And to address my alcoholism. yes I'm an alcoholic. But I don't drink every day. If i start to get mild alcohol withdrawals, I just stop drinking. I do not have a problem with alcohol. Like I've stated earlier, I used to. But, since drinking is so ingrained into my family/WI-culture, I don't see myself ever quitting.

I've found alcohol to help me stay off dope. If i start to get dope urges, drinking a few drinks seriously helps me. I've always been smart enough not to mix dope with booze. Almost all the people i know who have OD'd have been drinking when they done it.

I know a lot of you are gonna look down on me, but move to Wisconsin, and you'll understand. When I go to a family function, someone will offer me a drink, and if I decline they'll ask if something is wrong. Not cause they are alcoholics, just because it's a social thing, and they are assuming i'm sick or something. You can always tell when Women are pregnant in Wisconsin, it's quite funny actually. "Oh, I haven't seen Sarah drink for a couple weeks, she must be pregnant!"

I would say that most of my family aren't alcoholics, they just like to drink when they are having a good time/going out/getting together. It's a social thing. Not an addiction. My mom drinks 3-5 beers every day, and my dad drinks once a week but he'll get friggin blasted. When we go on vacation though, watch out!!! I would say that neither of them has a problem with drinking, but I'm sure most of you won't agree.

I'm in the "live life every day to the fullest" kinda attitude, and drinking is fun, so i drink a lot. I only get drunk maybe once a week though.

I can't remember who said it, might have been someone from the rat pack or something, but it goes something like this,

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink, cause when they wake up, that's the best they are going to feel all day."

benny

Man I wish I would have brought more then my fiddle up here with me. I play a whole bunch of instruments, and I find music to be one of the better things that keeps me off dope.

I'm still learning my fiddle, and really want to get good at it. When i'm high or sick I can't play though, so it's good motivation. I love jamming on my concertina, banjo, mandolin, guitar, bodhran, or fiddle. I really miss my guitar and mandolin though. Really pissed at myself.

There's a casino up here to that has 1/2 NL. I'm gonna go play later tonight. I totally attribute poker to keeping me off dope the time I made it 2 1/2 years. You got to replace your addictions you know. My replacements are music and poker. I would love to tour the country again with a band. I had so much fun. I would always try to get my band to stop at casino's but they just associated poker with gambling and never really understood that I'm a winning player (when i'm not too ****ed up).

benny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfR-LL_7EEM