yeah. I agree. I'm planning on it.

Benny,

Try not to take things so personal. I doubt anyone's intention in here is to insult you. Most of the people ITT are recovering addicts themselves.... it may not seem like it but I think I can speak for 99% of people posting when I say that people are just trying to help.

yeah I know, that's why I apologized.

Tomorrow will be a new day

Yeah it's official. If I can, I'm going to move up to my parents house by the end of the month. Assuming my landlord is cool with that. I'm on a month to month lease, so if he makes me pay for April, I'll tell him to just keep the security deposit.

I need to escape this ****...

benny

Music?

Any that helps, hurts, identifies?

I've been listening to a lot of Hank III lately. especially the song 3 Shades of Black.

DockDD - " Music? Any that helps, hurts, identifies?"

I definitely identify with this song. It helps, as well as hurts i guess(?). "Heroin" by the Velvet Underground and "Poolshark" by Sublime, are probably the only two songs I have trouble listening too. But I still love them both.

"3 shades of black is where I come from.
Depression, Missery, and Hellacious fun.
No, we're not the kind to turn our backs and run
coz 3 shades of black is where we come from.
We are a certain breed and we don't like you.
Some are junkies some are freaks and others are everyday ghouls.
No one will ever know what we've been through
and we are proud in the light of the moon."

I'm a very musical person. It definitely helps me when I hear a song I really like. It can totally change my mood completely in a matter of seconds if the right song comes on.

What do you guys think--are addictions a form of disease? I'm watching a Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, and he keeps repeating the term disease.

I think that is complete bull****. I feel most people use it as an excuse to say it isn't their fault that they are a **** up. I don't know much about the theory really, so if anyone with extensive knowledge on the science/idea behind this can chyme in I would appreciate it.

benny

The AMA doesn't list alcoholism as a disease, not a disease.

benny, do you have an update? How much are you using per day? Have you talked to your landlord about trying to work out the lease situation?

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I believe it is NOT a disease, but that it is pathological.

Meanwhile, Benny, you are in desperate need of removing yourself from the environment that enables you to get hold of dope at all. I know everyone thinks they can cop dope anywhere they happen to find themselves (I'm a pro"), but that's nonsense. There are plenty of places you can put yourself where the possibility of copping is exactly 0.00%.

Especially if you're broke and have no transportation.

I agree with your "bottom" tirade, by the way. A junkie doesn't really have that perspective. A "recovering junkie" tends to, especially when they're standing in the basement of some church with a donut in their hand, making a speech.

Forget the dogma. Do the things that make sense: Put yourself in a position where you cannot use.

If you do not, you know why you did not.

Good luck. Being dope-free isn't Shangri-La, but the difference between being a using junkie and a former junkie is pretty close to night and day, and will actually be to your benefit once you're clean. You'll have a sort of "thousand yard stare" for all the bs that tends to float around daily. It'll just roll off.

as far as an update, I'm only getting high about 2-4 times a week lately. I sold my Ps3 last week (yeah I know I suck at life). Well I never use the damn thing. lets just say last weekend was fun. Anyway, my suboxone supply is getting low, and I don't know if I can find any. we'll see.

I AM moving up north to my parents house by the end of the month FOR SURE. I have to. There is no dope up there, it's the sticks (just small town northern Wisconsin you know.) I'm just worried about getting stuck up there for years. I got a small group of friends that still live there though. a couple of them go to the methadone clinic up there, but I absolutely refuse to get on the done. That **** is horrible.

I haven't talked to the landlord yet but it won't matter. I'll pay the rent every month if I have too until someone moves in, or i get out of the lease. I'm pretty sure it's month to month, I just need to make sure my roommate isn't gonna get ****ed over.

I don't buy into the addiction is a disease, I think that counselors and such phrase it like that to make it something that isn't the addict's fault and to remove guilt while suggesting a treatment plan.

Benny you're right everybody is different I know a number of people who are staying clean and they came to that point in their lives a number of ways. Most common among them in a final point the so called rock bottom when they realize that getting high isn't worth it anymore.

Some people can quit cold and whatever got them to that decision to quit is enough or whatever. I have had other friends that quit are on sub plan then try to ween off it, relapse, rinse repeat. It seems you can't get a sub script where you are? I have seen people be successful with sub's used not just to treat the symptoms of withdraw but as a long term solution to keep from using.

UPDATE:

So LivinitupO, you got your wish, I just sat 4 days in jail. My mom picked me up last night and drove me to my parents. So it's official. I'm living at my parents house now (whoop whoop! ) . They will drop my charges if I go into a 45 day rehab program and pee in a cup for 6 months. I'm more upset right now that I won't get to smoke herb, but whatever. If I **** up I could possibly face 5 years. Not that likely, but they could do that to me if they really wanted.

I don't really want to talk about my case since it is still ongoing. My friend who got picked up with me is prolly facing a life sentence cause he's 45. He got busted bad.

anyway, I'm not sick anymore! this rocks. Just hung over as ****. My dad and I went to the local casino last night to celebrate my release. I've only slept about 7 hours in the last 5 nights though.

I got arrested about 45 minutes after my last post.

I realize I'm making a small asssumption here but are you sayiing your dad took you to a casino to celebrate getting out of jail and you got drunk?

Yeah, I was facing some huge time, though if it went to court I'm sure I would of only gotten two misdemeanors (is that how you spell it?) cause there was no dope on me. I just happened to be in a car with a guy who had A LOT of somethin'. But my uncle is a lawyer and used to work in the DA's office, so I think he pulled some strings for me. I thought it was reason to celebrate. I really wanted to drink more than I wanted to get high after sitting staring at walls for 4 days in jail.

It was kinda funny on the second day I was in, out of the 80-90 people in my pod, only four were white, and 3 of us were junkies and dope sick.

Im still getting the chills and can't sleep, but damn do I feel WAY better then when I first got booked into jail. I was sweating and hugging a toilet for the first couple days, but since I've been cutting back lately the sick wasn't as intense as it's been in the past.

We're having some of my friends over to my parents to play some $10 tournaments tonight. I wish we would play way higher, but my friends and parents are pussies. I think life up here in northern Wisconsin won't be as bad as I originally thought. Gotta keep a positive attitude.

benny

I don't know how else to say it, so here it is:

Never mind. No good could possibly come out of saying what I am thinking.

I hope you manage to stay clean and out of jail etc etc.

Best of luck.

I have an idea: get some rest and try to eat right for an entire day before you start socializing and trying to fill every second of every day with distraction and what some people call fun.

It's becoming a little hard to believe that you are taking this massive life-and-freedom-threatening heroin addiction thing all that seriously.

I'm not saying you should be sitting in some wood-paneled basement, holding hands with some zombified God freaks, chanting or something.

But being dopesick, exhausted, broke, living with your parents in Wisconsin, and fresh out of jail seems like a decent moment for some sort of introspection, don't you think?

+1

Keep in mind this is coming from people that have been there.

IMO, you are going to need professional help.

I don't buy in to NA think it's ******ed. Only times I've ever been is in rehabs and a handful of other times that were basically mandatory. I wasn't trying to push some agenda wrt the hitting bottom stuff. However, ALOT of people aren't going to get straight until they're suffering some serious negatives in their life outside of just using. There is some fine line stuff in there about my defs of addicts/junkies too. I just don't personally know many(any?) people that have gotten deep into addiction and out again unscathed. Soooo, once you've experienced enough BS you start thinking maybe I should think about another life path. That point is different for everyone. Clearly BF hadn't had enough maybe a couple nights in jail will be enough. Still using in the face of clearly negative consequences blalhlagblah means to me he likely hasn't reached that point and there are always more and worse to be experienced. If you want to see how far down you can go that lifestyle can definitely show you eventually.

Saying you've hit rock bottom tons of times from the comfort of mommy's house after posting pics where you're clearly well-fed lol jk just doesn't strike me as, well it just doesn't strike me something. And no offense but the parents taking you out to celebrate is a bit questionable. Is that really an environment you're going to be able to get clean in? I know looks can be deceiving but have you really been banging everyday for 7yrs because your pic just doesn't look like anyone i've ever known at that stage. Kinda wonder why i'm even posting in this silliness. Anyway, good luck staying clean.

Hey you wanted to play higher right? Go get nailed again while you're out on bail. Pretty soon you'll be copping on your own like a real big boy, getting burned, getting robbed, doing all those things you said you'd never do and it just keeps getting better.

Benny,

I think you really need to go to inpatient rehab for a very long time if you are going to have any hope of getting well and living a healthy life. Your parents are probably good people who care about you but they obviously aren't equipped to help someone who seems as delusional and as in denial as you are. You don't seem to be taking recovery seriously at all. I mean how could you possibly think that using a couple times a week is remotely ok?!? You know by now that it is just a downward spiral from there. Pawning your playstation to buy drugs isn't something to joke about and getting bailed out after getting arrested isn't an occasion to celebrate. If you really want to get clean, tell your landlord you are a junkie who is going to rehab and you are sorry but you have to break your lease because you need to go to inpatient rehab immediately. Apologize to your roommate and tell him the same. Find an inpatient treatment center and find a way to pay for it. That is really your only chance. Just crashing at your parent's house just isn't going to cut it at this point. But GL with whatever you decide.

Pretty epic bump. First time in jail benny?

wow ok. I don't know what to say. or who to respond to. I'm taking this **** very seriously. I just have a sick sense of humor, which prolly comes off as not giving a **** or denial or whatever. Everyone deals with **** differently, and I guess I come off as naive (i'm not saying I'm not, cause who would I be to say?) and not serious, but believe me, this is a HUGE moment in my life right now. The way I see it is Life or Death. strait up. I will kill myself if I keep using dope, no question. I mean like real death, i've died before, but you know what I mean.

And to answer wet work, i haven't been using every day for 7 years, i've said that a few times. I made it 2 1/2 years after my heroin induced stroke and death/OD. and like I've said, the last 4-5 months i haven't had much money so I was bouncing between suboxone and dope. I've lost 60 pounds, so yeah i'm still fat but I was way fatter before.

and I'm already scheduled to go to a 45 day rehab. don't you guys read? it's court appointed on the 22nd. I really want to get clean. I don't want to go to rehab, but **** it, got to do it.

my question for those that have been to rehab, if i refuse to do the 12 steps and that crap can they kinda kick me out or tell the court i'm not being rehabilitated and have my charges revoked? I'm not going to be a jerk about it, i just don't like the whole god/higher power thing. Can i tell them that staying clean is my higher power? i don't know. I can pretend if i have to.

I know i'm totally going to get attacked for that last paragraph, but you guys aren't going to change my mind, and i'm not trying to change yours. I don't think that rehab is the only way to really quit. I believe it all boils down to yourself. you have two options. use or don't use. I think it is just that easy. well it's not easy, but i just see rehab as another form of co-dependence. I don't know if that makes sense. But I'm the one who makes the decision to stick a needle in my arm.

I really want to prove you naysayers wrong, believe me.

and yes that was the first time I went to jail.

Benny,

Its obvious you are not going to get clean on your own. So, when you say things like " i dont want to go to rehab" , start writing rehab off as "another form of co-dependence" and are fighting the program before you even get there, its very difficult to believe you REALLY want to get clean.

Its not the only way. However, it is the best way. Statistically, you have almost no chance of quitting on your own at this point.

i'll prove you wrong.

that's all i can say. I'm convinced I'm done. It's easy. no more heroin. i know I'm sounding naive as ****, but I can't go around not believing that with every essence of my being and still expect to make it. I'm really convinced. I know most of you won't believe me, all i can say is i'm done.

saying things like, "well we'll see what happens," or "time will tell" only sets myself up for an easy out. Believe me, I've been thinking a lot about this. every other time i've quit for a certain amount of time, I would always have a little thought stored in my head that maybe I can go back to using. I've completely removed that from my head right now. Ok, maybe I am crazy, but this will work I ****ing know it.

i'm starting to get sick of trying to defend myself. I've looked over some of my earlier posts and frankly i'm a little embarrassed. I realize I can be very immature, especially when i was high. I don't know if I'm going to keep posting in this thread. Can't say for sure. I'm totally attention whoring and continuously making a fool of myself (still am I guess).

All I can say is good luck Layzie I really respect you man, and thanks to all the people who gave me encouragement and kind words. To all you who think I'm ******ed (you might be right, I can admit that), **** off. ha!

I keep thinking how ****in cool it would be to find this thread like 10-20 years from now and post that I am still clean. I can't wait for that day.

I wish you the best, of course. We have PM'ed, and you know I have some idea what I am talking about, and I wish you the best, naturally.

But a couple posts back, you sort of crapped all over everyone's concern for you with this whole "haven't slept/been dopesick/went to jail/got out of jail miraculously/daddy took me to the casino to celebrate/had friends over for some sit and goes/wish I could play bigger" CRAP.

It's like the textbook response of someone who has no understanding whatsoever about their circumstance.

Sorry, but that's what it sounds like.

And I will tell you now that if I had a kid who had OD'ed a bunch of times, was strung out and hurting, and who had gone to jail and almost went away "for a long time," there would assuredly be no "celebrating." There would be "holy crap, how did we let your life get so out of control...let's sit down and talk this through...let's start taking this seriously...NOT AT THE STUPID CASINO."

But you're an adult. I'm sure you can figure that out for yourself.

You will die dumbly if you and the people around you don't start learning how to respond to this life you've CHOSEN.

Enjoy rehab. it'll probably be the best thing you ever do.

P.S. It is SO easy to get past the entire Higher Power thing...just say your Higher Power is Nature, whatever that is. Just remember that the people there are trying to HELP you, so don't become the stereotypical know-it-all douchebag atheist who is only there because he's court-ordered, etc. LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE THERE. I mean, what else are you going to do?

Again, best of luck.