When I am told to be careful because something like a dish is hot, I must touch it to find find out how hot it really is.

wow, nice bump, and totally worth it just for this exchange:

first time through this thread, few comments:

i'm in the same boat with setting alarms for times not ending in 5 or 0, those intervals just aren't accurate enough. also for volume on TV/air conditioner setting I always always always go even number. Pro tip: try not to tell anyone irl this tic, because he or she will most likely **** with you.

I'm partial to the ones mentioned where someone can't not say some obscure quote with the proper prompt (NOT "that's what she said" holy **** can people stop saying this yet). It's one of those sorta-jokes that is somewhat funny the first time, not really funny the second third or fourth time, and extremely funny the fifth+ time.

My contributions: whenever I'm playing settlers of catan and someone says "2 brick" I can't not say, "2 brick... Stanley 2brick."

Whenever anyone mentions the movie Memento I can't not say "it wasn't as good the second time"

My old roommate could never finish a meal, regardless of size. He'd always leave the last bite.

whenever id use a microwave id always press stop with 1 second left. eventually i just started adding 1 second to the time. the past few years i havent used a microwave till yesterday and when it was counting down to 5. it popped in my head to turn it off at 1 but i did not.

Don't go to Milton Keynes.

When I drink a beer I can't not peel the label off.

This reminded me that whenever I hit one I usually say "Looks Kids, Parliament!"

These aren't 100% every single time, but..

When I was 16 or 17 someone told me it was illegal to change lanes in an intersection. I think about this pretty much every time I drive at one point or another.

Joey made some stupid joke about where he last put the soap bar and where Chandler first puts the soap bar and I think of this most times I take a shower.

If I tuck my shirt in I can't not think of my Dad telling me to go inside the pants, but outside the underwear. I must have been 5 or 6 for that one.

hah, same here.

I never got how people couldn't tell right from left. I had an ex gf who was a straight A student her senior year of high school but couldn't tell her left from her right still and had to wear a bracelet on her left hand to check.

Heck even a more recent ex would always confuse them when I would tell her to make a left or right handed turn whilst driving.

Women be tarded, yo.

I can’t not…
-say “1 m, 2 r’s” when writing “tomorrow”
-check the locks of my car multiple times before leaving it
-push all of the plastic circles in on fast food cups
-leave the house with mascara on
-respond with “no, you’re not” when someone sarcastically says “I’m sorry” about anything
-repeat these sentences over and over again to see if they make sense

Have to answer the phone after a whole number of rings.

ie. Will never let it go briiiing-briiiiiing-briiii-"Hello?"

It's Feb-U-ary....what's this "ru" business about?

If I am stuck somewhere watching a WNBA game or women's college basketball game, and the end of the game has a dramatic finish where all the girls start jumping on each other and crying, I always mentally say to myself, "Gonna be some pussy eatin' tonight"

Goes double if it is a women's softball game and the field is littered with thick pasty white girls with bad mullets.

I'll always wait until after the second ring to pick up. Otherwise it might seem like I was waiting expectantly by the phone and I can't have that, even if I was. Less applicable now with cell phones though.

When defecating in a public toilet I can't not wait until someone uses the hand dryer so no-one hears my farts....

Over 1 year for this genius post

When in a car and stopped for whatever with another vehicle in front of me, I add up the 4 numbers on the license plate in my head. If the total comes to 13 then I deem that car to be unlucky and the owner will be involved in a horrfic accident some time in the near future.

I feel ya... ESPN is is worthless since Disney bought it out.

When playing pool I can't not say 'seen them missed' in relation to the potting of the black ball (8 ball) regardless of how easy the actual pot is...

I can't not mutter "$46 per hour" under my breath any time anyone uses the phrase "at any rate".

I can't ever get a straw that is sheathed in paper without tearing off one end, and blowing on it to make the paper sheath fly off and hit whoever I'm eating with.

whenever somebody explains to me some prank that happened to them or some **** that went down, i say "that old gag"

Wow, I do EXACTLY this, wording and all, and sometimes even say it aloud!

You just changed my life, and I'm not sure it's for the better.

Whenever I have a joke that misses, I'll say "quantity over quality" - it's become a running joke with my friends. I tend to be the cut-up. It started a few years ago on a date when I had this chick laughing a bunch and then missed on a joke, so I explained to her (jokingly) that people only think I'm funny because I make a LOT of jokes, not good ones.

If I let my stubble grow out, I pick at the chin hairs. Yuck.

I can't finish a cup of coffee.

I always listen to "First of the Month" by Bone Thugz every first of the month.

When I hear the name Craig, I always say "Crehhhg" like in Friday