BEAT: Lost everything playing poker, have become human guinea pig for drug company to play more
01-18-2012
, 02:22 AM
01-20-2012
, 08:29 PM
01-20-2012
, 11:43 PM
i think you're giving him too much credit. this guy actually has a job.
01-22-2012
, 04:08 PM
03-04-2012
, 12:01 AM
03-05-2012
, 02:20 AM
Hey someone saved this thread from rotting in the archives!! I’m glad, ‘cause I probably wouldn’t have done anything to stop that from happening. Who art thou, kind stranger?
This dumbass alcoholic degenerate has finally found a piece of hope. This thread is such a glowing example of the endless cycle of bull**** that I've lived in for such a long time, and it was the responses here that helped put that in perspective for me, slowly, sure, but such is the way out. Step by step. Unfortunately, this being BBV and all, my exploits are probably of little interest now. I don't go on benders and trash hotel rooms and spit on bouncers and pull knives on taxi drivers and drive in blackouts and break into ex-girlfriends houses and sleep in parks and urinate in mosques and break hearts and feed the demon - now I simply attend AA meetings and work on my recovery. Pretty boring huh? Far from it. This is the journey I've been trying to embark on for years and it's finally happening. The only sucky thing I gotta contend with is being ****in broke, but even this does not cause me to despair – I have what I need for now and I know that money will come again, in it’s own time.
But I'm not out of the woods yet. Far from it. It's been 48 days since I had a drink, since I was woken up by federal police wearing rubber gloves in a different state on a bench by the airport and had to claw my way out of the nightmare and get back to Adelaide, back into the rooms. 48 days might not seem like a lot, but it’s not just the length of time that is significant to me – it is the changes I have felt in that time, the changes that I continue to feel. I’ve been searching for these things my whole life. This is too good to give up. But I'm only - always - just one drink away from going back.
There's been a few close calls that have been tough to get through. I found a friend in the fellowship in his car near death from a suicide attempt that shook me up pretty badly. I've had to deal with losing friends and being painfully alone at times. And just the other day I was offered almost an entire bottle of vodka from a guy I was talking to outside Soundwave. But I got through them. The craving to drink at times is beyond powerful, it speaks to me in the most alluring and convincing voice, and I'm grateful to have the power to resist. But that power is completely reliant upon me taking certain daily actions. Because it's a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that is a more intelligent and a more patient beast than I. It's like an entity within me that needs only a drop of alcohol to come to life and take over. It doesn't matter how smart or how strong my mind is - this ****er holds the reins to it all and if I take a drink it's over - he's in control.
I just want to say something regarding all the advice that people have given me throughout the past year. I know at times I rejected the wisdom and knowledge that was so kindly bestowed upon me by you amazing people, but I’m a slow learner and am even slower at putting these things into practice. To those that suggested rehab – I was a hair away from checking myself in, and if my sobriety was to collapse at any point I would not hesitate to do so. To those that suggested I pick up the guitar again – I got my amp back outta hock and have shredding the **** out of it. To those that suggested AA (I think Jared Huggins was the first to do this in a PM), I am definitely following your advice. To those that suggested I continue writing, I have been writing a lot and even working on a story. And for those that suggested travel, that is still a huge goal for me, but it will have to wait. It was with great disappointment that I had to put my Philippines trip on hold, but as I realized on my last binge in Melbourne, if I flew to the Philippines without first establishing a solid foundation of sobriety – I wouldn’t be coming back. To those that suggested I quit poker, well….
My 120 day ban on Pokerstars ends in 11 days, and I have thought about it a lot and I am going back for another shot. Going to start a thread in Poker Goals & Challenges, it's their turn to endure my ramblings cluttering up their front page. Lolmaha, naturally. Small stuff, $100 deposit, $1 MTT’s, maybe some PLO5. BRM or bust. I have no illusions, discipline is still a great challenge, and sticking to BRM is like this mysterious and elusive white whale that I’ve been chasing for years, but like Ahab I am obsessed with finding the mother****er. Not drinking a day at a time gives and takes discipline. Not drinking a day at a time brings me peace. Hopefully, this will help me in the next chapter of my story. I will post a link when the PG&C thread is up and anyone who is interested and wants to follow my progress (or decline) is welcome.
The last $750 to my name was given to the blokes at Tattoo You, 3 new pieces. Perhaps not the wisest ways to spend one's net worth, but **** it they look awesome. Here’s a pic of my favorite:
What’s that up my sleeve?
Thanks to everyone and rungood for all. Peace.
This dumbass alcoholic degenerate has finally found a piece of hope. This thread is such a glowing example of the endless cycle of bull**** that I've lived in for such a long time, and it was the responses here that helped put that in perspective for me, slowly, sure, but such is the way out. Step by step. Unfortunately, this being BBV and all, my exploits are probably of little interest now. I don't go on benders and trash hotel rooms and spit on bouncers and pull knives on taxi drivers and drive in blackouts and break into ex-girlfriends houses and sleep in parks and urinate in mosques and break hearts and feed the demon - now I simply attend AA meetings and work on my recovery. Pretty boring huh? Far from it. This is the journey I've been trying to embark on for years and it's finally happening. The only sucky thing I gotta contend with is being ****in broke, but even this does not cause me to despair – I have what I need for now and I know that money will come again, in it’s own time.
But I'm not out of the woods yet. Far from it. It's been 48 days since I had a drink, since I was woken up by federal police wearing rubber gloves in a different state on a bench by the airport and had to claw my way out of the nightmare and get back to Adelaide, back into the rooms. 48 days might not seem like a lot, but it’s not just the length of time that is significant to me – it is the changes I have felt in that time, the changes that I continue to feel. I’ve been searching for these things my whole life. This is too good to give up. But I'm only - always - just one drink away from going back.
There's been a few close calls that have been tough to get through. I found a friend in the fellowship in his car near death from a suicide attempt that shook me up pretty badly. I've had to deal with losing friends and being painfully alone at times. And just the other day I was offered almost an entire bottle of vodka from a guy I was talking to outside Soundwave. But I got through them. The craving to drink at times is beyond powerful, it speaks to me in the most alluring and convincing voice, and I'm grateful to have the power to resist. But that power is completely reliant upon me taking certain daily actions. Because it's a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease that is a more intelligent and a more patient beast than I. It's like an entity within me that needs only a drop of alcohol to come to life and take over. It doesn't matter how smart or how strong my mind is - this ****er holds the reins to it all and if I take a drink it's over - he's in control.
I just want to say something regarding all the advice that people have given me throughout the past year. I know at times I rejected the wisdom and knowledge that was so kindly bestowed upon me by you amazing people, but I’m a slow learner and am even slower at putting these things into practice. To those that suggested rehab – I was a hair away from checking myself in, and if my sobriety was to collapse at any point I would not hesitate to do so. To those that suggested I pick up the guitar again – I got my amp back outta hock and have shredding the **** out of it. To those that suggested AA (I think Jared Huggins was the first to do this in a PM), I am definitely following your advice. To those that suggested I continue writing, I have been writing a lot and even working on a story. And for those that suggested travel, that is still a huge goal for me, but it will have to wait. It was with great disappointment that I had to put my Philippines trip on hold, but as I realized on my last binge in Melbourne, if I flew to the Philippines without first establishing a solid foundation of sobriety – I wouldn’t be coming back. To those that suggested I quit poker, well….
My 120 day ban on Pokerstars ends in 11 days, and I have thought about it a lot and I am going back for another shot. Going to start a thread in Poker Goals & Challenges, it's their turn to endure my ramblings cluttering up their front page. Lolmaha, naturally. Small stuff, $100 deposit, $1 MTT’s, maybe some PLO5. BRM or bust. I have no illusions, discipline is still a great challenge, and sticking to BRM is like this mysterious and elusive white whale that I’ve been chasing for years, but like Ahab I am obsessed with finding the mother****er. Not drinking a day at a time gives and takes discipline. Not drinking a day at a time brings me peace. Hopefully, this will help me in the next chapter of my story. I will post a link when the PG&C thread is up and anyone who is interested and wants to follow my progress (or decline) is welcome.
The last $750 to my name was given to the blokes at Tattoo You, 3 new pieces. Perhaps not the wisest ways to spend one's net worth, but **** it they look awesome. Here’s a pic of my favorite:
What’s that up my sleeve?
Spoiler:
Thanks to everyone and rungood for all. Peace.
Last edited by Never Was Been; 03-05-2012 at 02:27 AM.
03-05-2012
, 03:23 AM
nice update OP...I think 48 days is a loooong time...wtg...proud of ya bro!
Edit: $10 is still waiting for ya on PS when ban is up
Edit: $10 is still waiting for ya on PS when ban is up
Last edited by Sufferinsuccotash; 03-05-2012 at 03:36 AM.
03-05-2012
, 04:49 AM
03-05-2012
, 04:55 PM
03-05-2012
, 11:21 PM
03-16-2012
, 01:25 AM