Grunching;

Good on you, LFS!
Keep at it, WVU!

Ineedaride2; I'll swoop back for your whole story later. For now kudos on the effort and good luck.

LFS; question about the xanax as originally prescribed (and I don't mean to be a nit or harp here, just curious)--did your doctor explain anything about how it works and why it's such a bad substance in the long-term, or just not cover that at all? I ask because I've seen Dr.s give it out both ways.

Thanks, and feel free to ignore if you'd rather not go there.

Edit: Am getting close to my 5 year anniversary, btw. Never figured out the alcoholic question, but am certain I'm better off without.

Amazing story LFS. If and when you are ready to say more about your experience I think it would enhance this thread even more as is this is one of the most intriguing threads on 2+2. I'm certainly interested in hearing about your progress and/or setbacks in the coming months and years if you are willing to share.

I have to say not drinking last weekend, and knowing I'm not going to drink in May, is kind of refreshing. I posted on my FB - $182 to the first person who "catches me drinking". This still allows me a couple vodka sodas on Sat. night to watch a movie if I have nothing better to do. I never get drunk at home alone, and I never drink on the weeknights. So that's not a concern for me. What is a concern is any social event, where I often wind up doing stupid **** when I'm drinking.

I met up with friends at Hollywood Park on Sat to bet on some races and the Derby, then, played some poker. Normally that's about 8 beers, and possibly more, and worthless hungover Sunday. But instead I had fun, was still able to come back and drink my vodka sodas with a movie, and felt fine the next day.

There's a poker game with coworkers Thursday night. Normally I would have to drink 6-8 beers, wreck my diet, and feel like crap the next day. Because that's just what you do when you play poker. Now I don't have to. A coworker's last day is Friday = happy hour. I don't have to worry about winding up out til dawn in all kinds of bad places doing bad things.

I feel much less stress not having to worry about this weekend and psyching myself up to stay out of trouble. I can even plan to get some **** done on Saturday. Amazing.

stay strong LFS, hope you continue on your path

No, he didn't give me any warnings, but it wouldn't have made any difference. I "knew" what I was doing, to the extent that I was able.

There are a ton of people out there who became dependent on benzos in very innocent fashion, but I am not one of those people.

any books, sites etc... you recommend for meditation?

best of luck

Thanks.

When I started mediating I used guided meditations and body scans, which I would recommend for people as a learning tool / good way to get started. Meditation Oasis is a good site/app/podcast with tons of them. I also liked some recordings on iTunes by Alexandra T. Milspaw.

This book was a great resource for me as I started to get better, and it helped me transition to independent meditation.

Is xanax = benzos?

yeah. Xanax, Ativan, Valium, tons of others.

Benzo = benzodiazepine, a class of anti-anxiety drug. There are a number of different kinds with slightly different properties. Xanax, Valium, and Klonopin are benzos, but there are a bunch more.

Ah, makes sense. Xanax is very different than valium ime. Both are very addictive though. I saw most of my friends get hooked on pills at one time when we had a steady supply coming up from Mexico. We used to make roofie-ritas. (Before it even became the date rape drug.) Never tried klonipin.

Maybe your friends already knew it was the date rape drug...

^ i lol'd

Wow, what a post. Been wondering how you were faring. Sorry you had to go through all that, but it's great that you came out the other end of it in better shape.

It's interesting that in lots of posts in this thread, there are a couple of things that keep coming up again and again. One is the lack of brutal honesty in posts, including mine. The old, "I think I'm probably fine, but I'm not positive."

Your post has brutal honesty, and lots of it. Reminds me of that old saying about 'gazing into the abyss.' I think. I never really read much Nietzsche.

The second thing I noticed is a tendency to use alcohol as a tool for escapism. Drinking is a hell of a lot easier, and more fun, than dealing. Dealing with **** is hard. It's grueling. It sucks. Drinking is fun, at least for a while. I think my big light bulb came when I realized that drinking wasn't fun any more, it was just something I did. That pleasant, buzzed feeling would be gone after the 2nd or 3rd drink (if it happened at all), and I'd continue on out of habit. Probably to push that tired, ****ty feeling you get when you stop drinking back until the next morning in the form of a hangover.

The point is, I finally went to a shrink a few times. His basic conclusion was, 'You're not really that ****ed up. I don't think you're an alcoholic. You seem to have high anxiety levels, and you're self medicating with alcohol. If you continue like this, you'll probably wind up in a very bad place.'

Just like you said, alcohol isn't/wasn't my problem. My problems are my problem. Instead of dealing with my problems I'd drink a little, and push those problems back to tomorrow just like that tired, ****ty feeling. Unfortunately, those ****ing problems are right there waiting for you the next morning, and now you have a hangover. Great plan. Let's do it again tonight. Cue downward spiral.

Anyway, thanks for the update. This line in particular:

is great.

Funny thing is, I actually prefer weed to alcohol. I think the price is a big factor, I can be ****ed up on alcohol all night for $5-10. But only an hour or so with weed for the same price. Weed to me is more like a novelty drug, and alcohol is the bread and butter lol.

I haven't had a drink in 4 weeks now, but my friend I posted about a few posts back is still drinking every day and mixing it with ambien. I know once I go out I'm going to cave in and get wasted, I can't seem to just have 3-4 beers in a night. The more I drink, the quicker I start downing them. And I lose track and before I know it I'm at 12-15 piss ass drunk. I guess I'm classified as a binge drinker, I'll rarely drink more than once or twice a week and go extended periods without any alcohol (guess I learned something in my DUI class after all).

Looks like you are 100% a functioning alcoholic. At least that's my honest opinion. See if you can cut back one day of drinking each week, and eventually get down to 1-2 days. If you can't, then you are likely an alcoholic.

I watched "Leaving Las Vegas" last night.

Wow.

Sounds bizarre but "Leaving Las Vegas" makes me want to drink. In fact I relapsed after watching it a couple of years ago.

Guess that highlights why I was drinking. It wasn't for 'fun', I just craved that escape and oblivion.

Messed up when you're actually envious of Nic Cage in that movie...

I hated that movie

WVU, suzzer:

That movie was pretty intense. I think I really liked it, but it was many, many years ago so I can't say with 100% certainly how much I liked it.

I guess it was REALLY a long time ago, since it was before Nick Cage became a total clown.

I guess i'll never get the hate for Nick Cage...Yea, he did some **** movies I would never see. But, my opinion changed when I saw him playing Charlie Kauffman (and his twin in Adaptation), Leaving Las Vegas was great (and sad as hell), I also liked Face off, which I think I saw when I was 15.

Oh Lord of War anyone? I guess I don't understand the hate for him

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIf_X2qJzrQ

NSFW

Although, Chris Cooper was better in this. Cage was great

WVU,

I love tons of nick cage movies like con air, the rock, raising Arizona, llv, face/off, gone in 60 seconds, adaptation and I'm sure more.

But then he went broke and started making **** like the wicker man, ghost rider 1 and 2, drive angry, season of the witch and other horrible horrible stuff.

Kick-Ass was pretty awesome though.

Haha yea, I saw Season of the Witch on Netflix. Never bothered with any of the other stuff, but I suppose he got to a point where he would take work were he would get it. Sad. I thought he was (or used to be) good.