Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuepee
I cannot figure out what point you think you making other then you feel a need to be perceived as if in conflict to me?
There is nothing wrong with citing personal experience and 'feels' on a conversation like this. This is a DISCUSSION forum and not a University citation only forum.
We can discuss personal experience, we relay our learnings and others can simply agree or disagree or say 'interesting but not my experience'.
I'm glad you feel this way, because the subject matter at hand here, specifically dating, and even more so with respect to the workplace, is a major issue for me personally, and is what attracts me to this thread and is why I'm glad that it has been resurrected in a sense from its previous incarnation in the forum.
Without further ado, and with the disclaimer that this could be viewed as quite the sob story and is certainly the longest post I've ever made by a large margin, here is my personal anecdotes on the matter, with a conclusion relevant to the topic at the very end:
I am a deeply emotionally inhibited person to the point where it is a serious disturbance in my personality without question, with intimacy issues being a paramount facet of this dynamic. At work, people will give me a wide berth just walking by me in an attempt at politeness, because the sense of tension is palpable, but it is misguided because I don't want that special treatment, though it is understandable.
When it comes to the subject of flirting, courting, and the like, I am admittedly dysfunctional, and I will give an impression of interest in woman indiscriminately, which is problematic as it is deceitful, but there is a clear basis for this, not a sufficient justification to be sure, which is that I'm not merely interested in relationships, but also in dire need of human connection in a general sense independent of romance, for instance just friendly talk with guys, who I have no romantic interest in, being a heterosexual male. The specific impression of interest in women that I convey is through eye contact almost exclusively for the most part, but I'm not ignorant of how it is received, whether a measure of interest on the part of women is generated that is.
But eye contact for me is dysfunctional in a broader sense with all people, because I will make eye contact with anyone from afar, that is not from a distance that would be considered within the radius of conversation, which includes men, who sometimes will subsequently approach me with a romantic interest because they are homosexual. But when in comes to actual conversational circumstances I find it extremely difficult to make eye contact where it is required, and is the norm. At work I was once even mocked for it by a male coworker who aped my tendency. It might seem insensitive, but then again I can understand how he might have taken some personal offense because the eye contact I lack from up close is accompanied by considerable emotional distress often expressed with wincing or grimacing (the distress is considerable). I'm going to be frank here, being close to a person physically is inherently a fight or flight situation, except that the fear has been thoroughly suppressed from the point of my earliest childhood memories into a state of abject numbness, which includes physical pain as well despite the semantic contradiction. The gist of it here is that an unusual preponderance of eye contact from afar stems from a state of profound isolation from humanity at large, with human intimacy issues as a basis, but also a justification (whether adequate or not) for why I "give women the eye" so to speak, seeing as intimate relations with woman is such an obvious potential remedy for my sufferings.
Anyone who has ventured to read this far might be wondering what actually comes from this eye contact of women at work. Firstly though, I insist that I do so with a measure of tact and an understanding of how it is received, projecting an image of one doing it in a natural way as one might if they were "checking someone out", yet with a measure of ambiguity as well, and it should also be noted that the initial impulse is somewhat unconscious, as the general trend is that it is immersed within the context of doing so to virtually anyone around me as described earlier. The context here is of great significance as well, namely that I work, ironically, in a customer experience environment with a lot of traffic with customers and employees alike always moving about where I'm expected to interact, as opposed to a cubicle in a large office building for instance, which would pose a much greater deal problems for obvious reasons.
I can say, with little uncertainty, that my behavior is met with a preponderance of "positive" feedback if you will, that is that interest is generated with unmistakable signs, the culminations of which have been, for example, over the years, having my arm being lightly pinched, my back conspicuously poked as an intimate gesture, a girl stamping her foot in frustration when I didn't pay her mind when she was standing right next to me in front of the lockers, which is admittedly seemingly cold as I certainly put out signs to her, and my ass being squeezed in celebration of a goal in a coed soccer game in a company function, for which the girl later apologized (although I don't think that was merited based on the signs I had projected and the fact that I didn't dislike it. Her physically able boyfriend hoisting me up like a ballerina after another goal, presumably as a show of competition over affections and a demonstration of where they should lie I did not appreciate though, to be sure). These physical gestures occurred as far back as middle school as well after ogling girls, such as the occasion where one sitting across from me in a group of desks shoved together (that's just how they were sometimes arranged, with groups of four or so students) conspicuously fondled my hand for more than a moment even with others present. That was an awkward one for sure, but definitely instigated by me. There is no doubt that much of this is possible because I am good looking, there is no way around that fact, and it definitely should be noted for context
In spite of all that, my behavior is obviously not right for a number of reasons, chief among them being that it is indiscriminate and even self destructive, which is demonstrated largely by the fact that when interest from a girl is generated, which is very often, but I don't have earnest affections for her, which is also very often, I tend to carry on an act of interest indefinitely (although I try to manage it with subtle signs of hesitation and uncertainty) in order to avoid coming to terms with the fact that I have deceived someone in an inappropriate way, mostly in order to avoid facing head on the immense amount of guilt that I carry related to intimacy issues. The physical symptoms of this guilt and fear, mind you, are profound. I've mentioned both numbness and grimacing, but to elaborate further on how these two things interrelate, when I try to intentionally smile, something that is advisable to do with customers, I really can't. My face is genuinely "paralyzed" to a degree that is ascribable to the ever-present fear that I suppress, so that I have to remember to squint my eyes when I smile so as not to produce a grimace that looks as though I am potentially repulsed by the person standing in front of me. You can imagine how disappointed a girl intending to reciprocate perceived affections for me is when I do that grimace, when I am in all sincerity trying to smile. Case in point, the aforementioned ass grabber afforded me an anguished "what the f-bomb" when I did just that. In her case I do regret not trying to take things somewhere, because I actually did like here quite a bit in hindsight.
Speaking of her specifically, on one occasion of rare, but genuinely constructive flirtations, we were at the register as I was to relieve her shift, or bag for her (I work at Trader Joe's, for the truly curious), I can't remember which, but her mind went blank for whatever reason and was unable to give the correct change, which happens from time to time when your mind is blank, the customer disputes or advises the correct amount, and it is no longer displayed on the register. I intervened by vehemently insisting a couple of times, but in jest, that the change was "a dollar" (even though we both knew it wasn't), implying that she could and should easily end the conflict and impending embarrassment for herself, and I managed to feign my best attempt at a smile which was a success, after which she laughed with eagerness and started fanning and then covering her face with a piece of cardboard to hide her emotions from everyone and cooing "stoooop" with the attendant flirtatious vocal inflections. During this exchange I managed to feel the good vibes for just a brief time where all the piss and vinegar of my issues drained the numbness away and the psychological and physical relief that my body has been screaming at me to feel for the better part of every waking moment of my life finally came to the fore. The next customer who witnessed the situation smiled at me with genuine enthusiasm and sympathy, but just like that, I was already back to reality and the status quo, as I afforded that customer what was likely another one of my homely grimaces, and my usual numbness was restored.
The ultimate conclusion here is that the notion of the workplace not being a proper venue for courtship is certainly misguided and horribly ironic in my case, seeing as my issue stems precisely from the fact that I don't attempt to engage in it with any conviction and confidence, but limit it to the bare minimum of eye contact, which becomes a pathological and problematic tendency that would otherwise be quite natural if limited to ordinary sincerity, without deceit and indiscriminate excess.
