lol aarono.

She misses you and probably wants you back. Why'd you end it?

Were you wearing it the last time I hit that ass?

Posted this in another thread a while back, didn't get any advice, thought I'd try here:

First, some basic knowledge of me. I'm 19 years, and a small guy, 175cm, less than 60kg. I'm really musical, which I think should work in my favor with girls in general. I'm also social, have lots of friends from different groups, but although I'm outgoing, I haven't ever been that good with women. My town is dual-lingo, there are Finnish and Swedish speaking people. I like to go out, and party with my friends if there's any reason to do so.

I'm really into this one girl at the moment. Although I really am as small as I said, she's realyl petite, like 160, so even my height shouldn't be a problem here. We originally met at a friend's birthday party (he's Swedish talking as is the girl, I'm not). I came at the spot, went to congratulate my friend and she came to me introducing herself and asking who I was, smiled, etc. Then, another friend of mine came and kind of interfered us, and I got the impression that they might have had something going on, so I pretty much left it at that. Still, I found myself thinking about her afterwards, as she was very hot (ldo), and also, thinking about how she initiated the whole thing.

Then for a long time I didn't really see her, I don't think I even remembered her name. Then one time after a party at the local night club, she was there, I approached the group she was in at the dance floor, and we danced together for sometime. After that she always smiled at me when she passed me by at the bar. I felt good. Sadly, I was rather busy with all kinds of **** that night, and towards the end of the night, I saw less and less of her.

After this, I saw her occasionally at the bar whenever I went there, but it almost seemed like she was avoiding me. I got confused about it all.

Then, yesterday, I graduated from high school. At night, with my suit on, and the cap, that represents the graduation, on my head, I headed to a local summer restaurant with a nice grass park by the sea next to it. We had already taken a few with different groups of friends and I was moving around, congratulating everyone else and so on, just socializing in general. I noticed her when I was talking to a friend, and thought she saw me too, but I didn't go and talk to her. Then after I had moved away from there, she came to congratulate me, saying that she just saw me and had to come. She hugged me. She had graduated from one other school the day before, so I congratulated her too, chatted her up, I think I even got her to laugh. Then after some time, she returned to her friends. Again, later that night she greeted me with a smile whenever we met.

Finally, we both seperately went to the same night club with our friends. After watching her on the dance floor for a while, I went to dance with her and she smiled and said it was about time I hit the floor. Then she went to grab a drink. After I noticed she had got her drink, I asked her to rejoin me on the dance floor, but she declined. Again, slowly, I saw less and less of her.

She just keeps giving me mixed signals, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all.

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I know, tl;dr. But if someone has something to say, it would be highly appreciated. Feel free to ask, if you think you're missing out on some important info.

Cliff notes:
-I like a girl
-She gives mixed signals
-I'm lost
-FML

I'll give advice in a second but just for everyone else's reference he's 5'7, 132 lbs in US terms; I know I couldn't read the rest of the post until I figured that out.

You don't really give enough detail on your interactions, and it's hard to tell if you were flirting with her or just talking. How were you dancing? You should really take charge of escalating the situation if you want it to go somewhere, start by seeing if she wants to do something that doesn't involve randomly running into each other. Basically, it doesn't seem like you've done enough here to really have a question, unless we're just missing details.

That's kind of the point, I'm just so clueless in these situations, and too shy to try anything.

For example, one other time, with a different girl - I went to the group she was dancing in, but not because of her, she was with some of my friends. I knew her, but not her name, or really anything. Then as I was there, she started talking to me, while dancing a bit closer to me in comparison to the rest of the group. It was a crowded night, and at one point she pointed out that there is barely any room to dance on the floor. I agreed and joked about how you can basically just rock from side to side. Afterwards I thought, that might have beena hint of some sort, and even if not, it would've been a nice open door for: "Yeah, it's kinda crowded here, why don't we go and grab a drink there where is a bit more room to breathe?" Or am I way off the mark here?

She's not giving mixed signals. It seems pretty clear she doesn't like you.

You just seem really noob. Maybe read the development of KVH from a social ****** to a normal person. I don't think you have any idea what you're doing either as you claim social ability and then say you're shy... wtf?

Actually 5'9

I'm social, but shy about approaching girls more personally.

J,

Sounds like she has been polite and friendly like a normal person, but hasn't given signals to you in any way. I don't agree with Thremp that she necessarily doesn't like you, I simply don't think she's done anything to give you any "mixed signals" in either direction. She is simply interacting with you like a normal person.

You're welcome to post and ask questions in this thread, but I suspect you will get far more value from posting in the dating thread in the Student Life forum. There are a lot more posters there who are going through situations similar to yours.

Lol, not sure if serious, but I'm obviously not facebook friends with him anyway so I can't. But if it helps, he is definitely very attractive, moreso than me.

Last night I went over to her place and told her about how I talked to a couple of my friends and they both agreed with me that she was wrong. I started telling her some of the things they said ("her actions speak louder than her words", "if she really cared about me she wouldn't hurt me like that", "she might resent me if I 'control' her, but she doesn't realize that I'm starting to resent her for this whole situation", etc.) and she broke down crying and got upset at me for telling them (they're also sort of her friends but closer to me and she said now they're going to judge her for this all the time) and for "telling her all those things like I was going to break up with her". She cried to me several times that, fine, she wouldn't hang out with Mario at all if it really meant that much but told me that she wanted me to get out of her place.

We fought for awhile but afterwards things calmed down and we were able to talk. She explained that she is "confused" about the whole situation because she's never felt an attraction like this to some guy while still in love with someone else (the situation where she cheated on her ex-bf was an entirely different one, a LDR where she didn't like him at all anymore but had a hard time breaking up with him for a few weeks). She told me the reason she wanted to hang out with Mario was because she had a "baby crush" and was "intrigued" and wanted to know more about him/ what he was like. I explained how messed up that was toward me, how she's basically looking for other guys while keeping me around if he's not what she's looking for. She denied that and said if she hung out with him she'd find things wrong with him and lose her small feelings for him, to which I asked what if she didn't find anything wrong with him. She continued denying that that's what it really was but I think she realized it and admitted that she was in the wrong.

She said she's still "immature" and asked me what people normally do when this situation comes up and I said idk they probably break up. I said that you can't be in a relationship with someone while at the same time looking for other guys who might be better and if she was really so "intrigued" by this guy or some other guy and wanted to hang out with him then she needed to break up with me. She was adamant about not wanting that and how much she loved me and how she wanted to be with me so much more than this guy or anyone else and she promised me again that she wouldn't hang out with the guy at all (I fully believe all of this). When I asked later if she'd still resent me for "controlling her", she said she probably would for awhile, but other than that things are back to good between us, at least for now.


Even though I'm not really taking the overwhelming (and I'll admit, most likely correct) course of action recommended by you guys, I am still very grateful for all the advice, as it removed the doubts I had at first about possibly being too jealous/controlling in the situation and gave me a lot more confidence about it overall. Plus if this ends up just further ruining everything and making me miserable, I can always look back and laugh at how stupid I was.

I pray that my girlfriend never finds out about this thread because as much as it proves that I was in the right for being pissed it would hurt her way too much to know how messed up everyone thinks she was in this whole situation. I'm probably (hopefully) not going to have any more updates on this, but if it turns out I should have taken everyone's advice I will come back with another post.

Thank you, everyone.

Hey guys,

This girl I know has the following situation and I suggested we post on here for some help.

Ok she is a grad (MBA student) and started dating another MBA student a year above her in January. After her boyfriend graduated he went to Europe for a month. A week after he came back he decided to break things off. However, he keeps txting and calling her.

She wants to know what to think about this. He says he still has feelings for her and doesn't want to date anyone else. He thinks she has trust issues. She admits she might have gone too far in being kind of annoying to him while he was on his trip.
What should she do? She is interested in getting back together with him.

Dude, that is bull****. She is the one in the wrong here. WTF are you doing asking if shes going to be upset at you? She should be thanking her lucky stars that you are forgiving her.

Getting halfway through your post, I was just going to say you probably made the wrong decision, but congrats on getting through it. But by acting in such a weak manner you have, imo, pretty much guaranteed this relationship will not have a successful future.

I agree with voracious reader, that while the relationship was probably screwed anyways, there was a chance of saving it if you had handled this above conversation properly.

Meh, gl mate, but i reckon once she meets luigi this is just going to happen again

FU

I think the relationship is done. I think it would be interesting if you reversed the tables on her. Go out and meet someone hotter and get all enthralled and see how she reacts. This actually reminds me of a woman I know. She actually went away on a weekend date with some guy while living with someone else. She didn't hide it or anything. It was ****ed up. They split up a few months later.

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As for MBA girl the only thing to do is to start behaving in such a way as to make him forget that she was supper possessive while he was away. She also has to balance this properly. She doesn't want him to get to a position where he can have all the benefits of a GF without committing as that is an easy place to fall into but at the same time she also doesn't want to shut him down completely. She has to keep him in this middle ground until he forgets about all the annoying **** and then when he likes her again introduce the possibility that he'll lose her. All of this is a lot of work -- often it is easier to just find someone new.

I can't believe your girlfriend actually believes it's acceptable for her to tell all her girlfriends about this "omg totally hot guy I think is awesome" but doesn't think it's acceptable for you to talk about it to your friends. Instead she worries about how it's making her look.

What about how she's making you look to all of her friends? Because she's making you look like a chump. This is a very immature and very selfish girl and although I hate myself for saying it because it makes me sound like one of the "be single until you're 30" people around here, one day you're going to regret that you wasted another 6 months to a year with this selfish and spoiled person instead of either having fun being single or finding someone that is proud to be with you instead of looking for an upgrade.

lamaru,

not sure how things are "good" between you two. She told you that she thinks she met the true love of her life and was going to hang out with him until you started "controlling" her. Now she says she's going to resent you for a while because you denied her the love of her life. Pretty sure what's going on with you two is the complete opposite of good.

Nail on the freaking head right here. All of it.

lamaru,

"Lol, not sure if serious, but I'm obviously not facebook friends with him anyway so I can't."

But your gf is, right? So you can copy his profile pic for us to see!

"but other than that things are back to good between us"

Yeah, they are great. Girlfriend has told you she's mad at you for not letting her go **** some random Italian dude she met on a plane to help her decide if she wants to dump you yet or not. On the bright side, now when she ****s Mario or whoever else, she gets to blame it on you for being a jealous, controlling, ******* instead of it being her fault.

Meh, I'm not going to pile on with some of the things I'd like to write.

I am curious though lamaru, is this your first long-term relationship? You know you're allowed to end them, right?

(the second question is rhetorical, but I'd appreciate an answer to the first).

Lam,

My first thought was that she lied about meeting him on the plane and has known him since she was in Europe. I can't see how any rational (even girl) person would be so invested in someone after a 10 minute conversation on the plane in her situation.

I feel it's more likely they sat close together on the plane and talked for most of the plane ride. But yeah, 10 Mins sounds like a lot of BS.

First off, I am sure that she’s been completely honest with me about her interactions with this guy so far and even though I am a very paranoid person (I checked her browsing history behind her back) I have no doubts about that. She even, when upset at me the other night for telling a couple of my friends, claimed that one friend probably agreed because I probably twisted the story around, because “for one, it was more like 20 minutes than 10” (to which I just laughed at her).


I think you guys are starting to judge this whole thing a little too harshly now and that it’s mainly my own fault. Remember that you are only reading one side on this whole situation and while I’m trying to be fair I’m sure the details are at least a little biased.

I’m not sure if I made this clear enough in my other posts (sorry if I didn’t), but throughout this whole thing she’s told me that she only wants/wanted to hang out with the guy as friends and only if her friends were also with her. I think she honestly believed/believes that she just wanted to hang out with him as a friend and nothing else and that there was no chance it would lead to anything more if she hung out with him (or she at least wanted to believe the latter). When I said earlier that she said she wanted to hang out with him to “see what would happen” it was poor wording on my part and it was more her saying she wanted to hang out with him to “see what he was like” but in a “friends” way.

Everyone has focused on the issue of her being attracted to another guy and what that means but I think this whole situation has really been less about that than it has been about her thinking it is okay/acceptable to hang out with this guy as friends and not realizing that there was anything wrong with it.

She never wanted to break up with me throughout this whole thing (instead it was the opposite) and I’m pretty sure she never planned to or even wanted to cheat on me. (Yes there was the whole thing with her googling “why do I cheat” and I never really brought that up to her and it does still bother me a little, but I think that had more to do with her feeling guilty about cheating on her ex and starting to feel scared that she might do it again or can’t control it, “once a cheater always a cheater” etc. and if she really wanted to cheat on me there'd be a lot better ways than telling me about wanting to hang out with the guy.)

Like I said, I have always been a very paranoid person (though not that controlling) and she knows this and couple that with her friends telling her she should be able to hang out with him if she wants and her own judgment being clouded by her attraction to this guy and it led her to genuinely believing that there was nothing wrong with her hanging out with the guy as a friend and dismissing my issues with it as me just being jealous/paranoid.

I briefly brought up the thing about her resenting me for this with her again yesterday, and told her that if she actually does start resenting me, or has the desire to talk to other guys or cheat on me, then she needs to let me know and we just need to end it or else it’s just going to end really badly and she agreed to that. Although she still thinks there’s nothing wrong with her hanging out with the guy as friends in this situation, she understands that it would bother me a lot and that it’d also bother her if the situation was reversed so she said she understands me not wanting her to hang out with him and won’t really resent me for it. She’s admitted she’s been “selfish” and “immature” about all of this and told me she didn’t realize how hurt/bothered I was by the whole situation at first.

I know a lot of you guys will think I’m just rationalizing everything to myself now, and I know everything’s still not perfect, and I know there’s a good chance I’ll regret not taking all of your advice, and I know it doesn’t really seem like it from everything I wrote, but we really do still love each other a lot and there’s a whole lot more good than bad and I think it’s possible to put this all behind us and move forward together. This is my last post on this issue unless something significant happens.

And yes, this is my first real relationship, so I’m guessing a lot of you guys will disregard everything I've just said.

Now, why not start a summer thread so this issue can fade into oblivion? It’s July ffs.

As you say, we dont know the full story. We've given some advice based on our knowledge of the situation, and while most of us would probably agree that you are rationalizing it, at the end of the day you have the most knowledge of the situation, so obviously your decision is the most important.

Hope it works out mate. GL

There would be nothing wrong with hanging out with a male friend. That was not what was going on here.