Thank you for understanding.

I know that, and I know you guys know that, but she didn't understand that. And, believe me, I have explained this same thing to her multiple times.

lam,

This is merely a dating/relationship 'advice' thread, and you are of course welcome to take or ignore as much or as little of the advice given as you like. Just know that a lot of the people giving advice in this thread have been in a lot of relationships, been involved in or witnessed countless dating situations, and many have a pretty good understanding of how the dating/relationship game works. Much of the advice regarding your "unique" situation (hint: it's not really that unique) has been basically spot on. You should probably think about what they have said quite seriously.

Then again, everyone should be free to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

I wish you the best.

I think a lot of people hold on to their first real relationship too long despite obvious problems. I know I did, and I know most of my friends did. No one telling you that there are trust issues, we're telling you that this is royally messed up because she gets infatuated with randoms. You're telling us we don't have the perspective that you do to see that things are ok, and we're saying that you don't have the perspective of seeing relationships fail and new ones take their place to know that as a man (or woman) you need not subject yourself to this, and that you will have a more fulfilling relationship with a partner who respects you more and is more attracted to you.

As a side note, you mentioned that she hadn't mentioned breaking up with you. Fine. That's not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting you break up with her and find someone new. You're allowed to do that, and I think you'll be happier for it. You understand that relationships can end for reasons other than outright lying and cheating, right?

edited

lam,

I suspect most people giving you advice in this thread have been through situations similar to yours. Most of us didn't listen to the advice either.

^^^^ this. i actually remember posting in ssnl life thread about a situation with my gf and i ignored everyone's advice thinking my situation was different and people can't understand.

her googling why do i cheat is the biggest red flag ever. breakup with her now and you'll always have the upper hand. you'll probably even get to continue to have sex with her down the road. if you let her breakup with you it's done forever. sucks to have it happen and it could take you up to a year to realize it was the correct decision but overall you'll be happier. i really hope you take the advice.

also of course she doesn't want to breakup with you throughout this. why would she when she can have her cake and eat it too.

edit- found this thread though SL. there's a thread like this in there as well but i think the demographic in the other thread is younger

I still do noob **** on the reg. Whatev. I think I'm l337 pro and exempt which just always provides a teaching moment about how shortcuts are ******ed pipe dreams and most "rules" exist for good purposes.

Hi lamaru,

A generous (to her) reading of the situation is that this is her attempt to figure out how to handle meeting guys she's attracted to without cheating. She's correct that it's harder to idealize someone when you actually get to know them -- you find out they're a real person with real flaws and not just what you want them to be. But so what?

This isn't someone she is going to be forced to be around. There was almost no chance she'd ever see him again without going to a lot of effort, to the point where she had to ask her friends if she was being creepy by tracking him down. Her strategy is about plan W in the "how to deal with meeting attractive strangers you're probably never going to see again" playbook for grownups in committed relationships. Plan Z would be sneaking away for the weekend and hoping the sex is terrible.

VoraciousReader has it right. Best case, she's clearly too immature to be in a serious relationship. Being attracted to a random stranger happens all the time. There's always going to be that bartender/barrista/person at the gym that "can't possibly be as great as they seem... can they?" Initiating contact with all of them (up to and including via mild cyber stalking), and then spending alone time in the hope that the attraction will go away after getting to know them isn't a viable coping mechanism. That's called dating.

I think it's time to regretfully move on, sir. Best of luck.

Lam-
I'm not going to pile on with all the "dump her" stuff, but, really, if she just wanted a male friend to hang out with, why wouldn't she want you to meet and hang out with him as well?

Lam,

I am looking forward to updates in the future. GL

What are the hygine issues like with sex without a condom? If the guy comes inside of the girl, does she need like a massive douche to get clean afterwards? Even then, is it really enough? Isn't it far less of a problem if he pulls out?

Wrong thread. That is a biology 101/Sex Ed from 8th grade question. I know the Union had a woeful educational system but... wow.

<--- ex-soviet hellhole here, have some mercy. 20 years ago our official position was that masturbation is a terrible thing to do.

Um, well, there's nothing terrible that will happen as far as hygiene goes with ejaculate in the vagina.Typically it is advisable to pee after sex to help clear the urethra.
There can be complications if the penis is dirty before it enters the vagina, as that can cause yeast infections. But actual ejaculate is, you know, supposed to go in the vagina.
Ejaculating in a woman without a condom who is not on the pill is a sure fire way of getting her pregnant, no matter how well she can clean the semen out.

lamaru should have to post an update. i'm ridiculously curious what has happened since his last post

I originally typed in the backstory of how we met, blah blah blah, but the conversation in question is going to be in a vacuum anyway, so I'll just say...been seeing this girl for a month or two, she pushed being exclusive, I initially resisted, but changed my mind and we're seeing how it goes.

We made very tentative plans for Tuesday, but she wasn't sure of her work schedule. So, today, this text exchange happens:

Me: Are we on for tomorrow?
Her: I have to work until 11:30.
Me: What day works for you.
Her: Thursday?

I've perceived her texting has been less frequent and more vague the past few days without any provocation. I could be reading too much into it, but I've just felt a subtle shift in those regards. And I guess that's my question. In a vacuum, does this look like a distancing ploy? Am I reading too much into minutia? Do I just say, "OK, Thursday sounds good," or ignore it or just call her after work (she works late) and figure out where we're at?

so she's your girlfriend? wtf? give her a call?

pretty sure thats just her asking if thursday will work for you

MP,

You asked her about tomorrow. She said she had to work 'til late. You at that point could ask her to do something late or try another day. You went with another day. She suggested another day that works. Now you say, "OK, Thursday sounds good" and if you're worried about the relationship, try do something a little more exciting/interesting/romantic/fun than normal.

Well, that's what I needed. I'm being stupid about this.

ED,

I'm not worried about the relationship, per se. I'm not emotionally invested enough that breaking up would be upsetting. I just get anxious about situations where I'm perceiving cues that I'm not sure if the other person is sending or I'm just making up. And I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill either.

MP,

Just out of curiosity, how many times a week are you seeing her on average? And how old are you guys, both have regular jobs, live nearby, etc?

Hm...I'd say about 3 days a week. I'm 26 in a couple months, she's 23. She's a nurse. I'm a writer with a bunch of odd jobs. Live a short bike ride from each other.

on a related note, how often should 2 people in a relationship see each other in a week? what's "normal?"

Depends how deep you're into the relationship.

Girls in general tend to drive me up the wall if I see them more than 2-3 times per week (usually in a relationship past 3 months). If you're just starting to see a girl maybe once a week?

Thremp sees 35 chicks twice a week each though so I'm a bit on the lowside.