Solo,

The only people who like your avatar were around 80 years ago when whatever movie it was came out and were able to pay two wooden pennies and a sack of peas to go see it at the local nickelodeon. The rest of us think it's dumb.

katy,

You're a kit kat-eating communist.

I don't think Solo's avatar is dumb.

I need advice from those of your who have been in a serious relationship with someone who has a child.

I'm very happy with Elizabeth and love her a lot...I'm also crazy about her son, Noah. He's awesome, and we get along great. Elizabeth is also awesome - when it's just the two of us. However, I've noticed that her attitude towards me flips 180 degrees whenever the three of us do something together.

Usually, she's very affectionate and loving with me...but she has said she wants to go slow when Noah is around and not let him see us be all lovey-dovey together in front of him. Fine, I get that. But she seems to go a lot further than that by treating me with little consideration when the three of us are out. She's never impolite or mean, I just feel as if I'm a third wheel and just there to "hold her purse," figuratively speaking. When Noah and I talk, she also tends to contradict a lot of things I tell him. The conversation always seemed removed and cold, and the kiss tight-lipped when we part.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect the woman to snog me in front of her 7 year old son, but I see nothing wrong with letting him see that we can laugh and have fun together as a couple, and that his mommy cares about me, and I her.

When she makes us all dinner I feel like I'm another child in her home - sitting there, waiting on her to serve me and Noah. She refuses any help in the kitchen and pretty much shoos me out of the door when it's time for Noah to go to bed.

Again, fine, I don't mind that he comes first - that's what I signed up for...and to be honest, if he didn't come first I wouldn't respect or love her as much as I do.

But dammit, I'm feeling neglected and a little weird whenever it's the three of us. As we're all going to Florida to my family's for Thanksgiving, I'm a little worried.

In Elizabeth's defense, Noah's Dad is a bastard who does not do ANY father/son type activities with him and tends to use him as a pawn in their custody disputes when he's not sitting the boy in front of the TV when he has him on the weekends. She also had a serious relationship with someone before me - and when that ended, Noah was devastated. So I understand her being protective.

But I'm of the "either we or we aren't" variety, you know? If I am in the boys life - let me be in the boy's life and let's not hide our affection for one another in front of him. I know that nothing made me feel more secure as a child than seeing my parents hug or give each other a kiss.

It's very frustrating when we're all out together and I feel like an afterthought and "just the guy who's tagging along."

Or, am I just being insecure and selfish?

Have you talked to her about any of this?

do I have to?



that is the plan...I just want to know if you guys think I'm being unreasonable or insecure.

I found something missing in your story. I didn't hear much about your relationship with Noah. Have you connected with him in any meaningful way?
I was a year younger than Noah when we lost out mother. I have seen this played out through his eyes. The wounds have never healed.

Landon, are you serious? It's not like we're talking about The Jazz Singer here. That said, I pretty much miss Locke.

Also, you're nuts, man. Kit Kats are so freaking delicious.

EAT MORE OF THEM.

Basically, just some spooning. We could do more, but if I wanted someone to have sex with, I'd just make an ad for that. I'd really just like someone to sleep next to because I like doing that.

Dom, I have no clue. I guess I can see her side, of somewhat holding you apart in case things do not go well so that there will be no burden on the child. At the same time, it seems possible that if it doesn't change it would keep the relationship from moving forward. It's a tricky spot, and my sole knowledge on the subject comes from repeated viewings of About a Boy.

Yes, we're very close. He climbs up into my lap all the time, runs and hugs me every time he sees me, and we have an ongoing chess battle. Granted, I'm probably a little awkward with him at times, because I've never been the main "adult male presence" in a boy's life. But I'm affectionate with him and we have fun together.

This has nothing to do with me and Noah and everything to do with how Elizabeth acts when the three of us are together.

I'm feeling bad for you that you even have to ask the question, TBH. Unlike my usual snarky self, I'm not saying that to be oh-so-clever or as a transparently dumb put-down this time. But you're in a situation that strikes me as fundamentally unnatural.

Being a third wheel sucks royally. It sounds like she doesn't have her relationship with her kid ironed out enough to have her interactions with you ironed out. That's where it's getting stuck, IMO, not on you. You're, like you say, just number 3.

But if you stay number 3 forever, especially if you are getting along well with both kid and mom, as it sounds like you are, then E is not facing up to her feelings in some way, and all three of you are undoubtedly suffering at least a little for it.

Perhaps she feels there is something sinful about your relationship, or that it is in some way a betrayal of her boy's attachment to her father? Just some guesses. But ordinary affection, and simply getting along well with each other even if it's strictly hands-off in front of the kid, shouldn't be so awkward. And it doesn't sound like something likely to be your fault.

You are likely to become more unsatisfied with this situation if you don't talk to her about it, IMO. She may even appreciate the courage involved in doing so, if she's the right one for you. If she's not, it's always better to find out as early as possible. Without pressing things or being a dick of course, but it doesn't sound like you're doing or like you're going to do anything at all like that.

Everyone needs to feel comfortable or know the reason why. But if you don't ask, you may never know, and at any rate you'll allow this problem to keep bubbling placidly around the level of her subconsciousness instead of rising to the level of attention necessary for her to "own" the issue and do something about it. You could be your own negative enabler here by continuing to just play quietly along.

This will likely end in stabbing. And considering it's diddy, he'll probably have her back after the first stabbing, too.

My old roommate snuggled and massaged each other all the time.

I could stand to hear a little more

Whenever there is a child involved, you are no longer starring in your own movie. Get used to it. From here on in, the best you will have is a supporting role in The World According to Noah.

Blarg, you make a lot of sense.

Very serious issue. Needs to be discussed.

This would bug the crap out of me if I were in your shoes. I would be like what's up with this? Is this going to continue or is this going to come to an end soon because I feel like I'm being disrespected and I can't hang with this much longer.

Exactly. Bingo. Sounds to me like she isn't quite sure where she wants this relationship to go. Maybe she likes having you as her boyfriend when Noah isn't around, but when Noah is around she is inconvenienced and agitated about the whole thing. In other words, maybe she doesn't want you to be a family? I'm just throwing the idea out there. You should ask her. I do understand that she wants to go slowly and she wants things to evolve at a slow pace so that maybe a year down the road you guys will be functioning like a family. But if she's being cold and awkward when the 3 of you are together, how is this going to help move things forward? It sounds so uncomfortable.

okay this sounds really weird. but what do I know.

Is her ex threatening to sue for custody or something? Because it sounds a lot like someone who is terrified her 7 yr old is going to report back to his dad that you stayed the night or that you and she were kissing. She sounds really anxious and scared to me.


No. You have valid concerns. You need to ask her what she's afraid of and if she has doubts about her feelings for you.

I think I have the flu. I suppose it could be the swine variety, but it could just as easily be the normal one. I'm going to bed. Will probably stay home tomorrow.

thanks for your thoughts, Katy. Just for the record, I do not sleep over when Noah is there, ever. We talked....not sure what's going to happen.

But I'm not asking opinions on my avatar: I know it sucks.

I honestly am not to inspired at the moment, maybe I will steal one of those Jackson Pollock knock-offs.

awesome.

Have a little more Jayne: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgX-7ebLOdw


I want a hat like that for Christmas. I could totally rock that hat.

Dom,
tend to agree with katy on this. sounds like she hasn't committed to the 3 of you as a family. And as she's conservative, not sure she will (or should) until marriage is in the picture. (engagement)

LF,
burger king has some horrendous commercials, but a double whopper is still a great 'bad' burger. jitb has some great commercials, but their stuff is generally crap. the worse the product, the better the commercial needs to be to make up for it. good stuff (kit kat) sells itself despite the commercial.

also, less tv - more pokers.
Your loving lounge imo

http://www.wearwithstyle.com/hat5.html
Or if you or someone you know can knit:
http://www.craftster.org/forum/index.php?topic=19076.20

This, in my opinion, is the root of it. Did she end this past relationship?

She is afraid he son will be hurt but may also be very guarded herself. Fair to say she would be equally hurt if things did not work out?

I do agree with Blarg and Katy-you need to ask her about it.
You also need to ask yourself where you really see this going before you ask her.

I would personally take a different approach, and just give it time and accept it until you feel she's doing it out of habit rather than emotional need. Talking isn't always the answer.

course, if you can't keep it in, let it out before it starts festering and high emotion wrecks any meaningful dialogue.