I Am Going to Write a Poker Book
02-27-2008
, 04:46 PM
02-27-2008
, 08:06 PM
From the Foreword:
Monkeys have long been underestimated in their ability to play the game of no limit holdem. While monkeys lag far behind human beings in many respects--such as fashion sense, shaving without drawing blood, playing spoons on one's knee, understanding the Indian accent that answers after you've phoned tech support, operating a toaster oven, wiping after a dump, and playing the trumpet--these jungle creatures have actually surpassed the average human in other more important ways. Monkeys are better banana eaters, for example, than your average Joe. Men have tried to master swinging in trees for centuries. A baby monkey has the process mastered at birth. The average monkey can play a better piano than his evolved cousin can. Monkeys even dominate humans in the most popular human pastime, because no one can spank the monkey like a monkey. Ever get into a fight with a monkey? You'd lose. They own us there as well. They dominate in hand-to-hand combat because monkeys do not fear pain. All they fear is being forced to wear a diaper.
It is this fearlessness, in fact, that translates well to the poker world. You cannot bluff a monkey. They are the biggest calling stations in the world. However, their natural aggression, inability to fold, and bad haircuts have led to monkeys winning a number of WPT titles. Here's proof:
Respect our little crap-tossing friends. They are evolving before our very eyes.
Monkeys have long been underestimated in their ability to play the game of no limit holdem. While monkeys lag far behind human beings in many respects--such as fashion sense, shaving without drawing blood, playing spoons on one's knee, understanding the Indian accent that answers after you've phoned tech support, operating a toaster oven, wiping after a dump, and playing the trumpet--these jungle creatures have actually surpassed the average human in other more important ways. Monkeys are better banana eaters, for example, than your average Joe. Men have tried to master swinging in trees for centuries. A baby monkey has the process mastered at birth. The average monkey can play a better piano than his evolved cousin can. Monkeys even dominate humans in the most popular human pastime, because no one can spank the monkey like a monkey. Ever get into a fight with a monkey? You'd lose. They own us there as well. They dominate in hand-to-hand combat because monkeys do not fear pain. All they fear is being forced to wear a diaper.
It is this fearlessness, in fact, that translates well to the poker world. You cannot bluff a monkey. They are the biggest calling stations in the world. However, their natural aggression, inability to fold, and bad haircuts have led to monkeys winning a number of WPT titles. Here's proof:
Respect our little crap-tossing friends. They are evolving before our very eyes.
02-27-2008
, 11:41 PM
02-28-2008
, 12:05 AM
03-07-2008
, 03:38 AM
Quote:
So I'm playing a few thousand hands at The Deuce ($0.01/$0.02 no limit) when I figure it's time to bump it up to The Cinco for a little while. Experimenting a bit with a few microlimit strategy ideas from my book--like my 77 checkraise strat on overcard flops--when I discover that I'm not at 5NL at all, but 50NL, surrounded by high-stakes pros.
And as we know, the only way to beat a 50NL poker pro is to use the facepunching strat.
PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (8 handed) Poker-Stars Converter Tool from FlopTurnRiver.com (Format: FlopTurnRiver)
Button ($14.25)
SB ($49.25)
BB ($53.25)
Hero ($49)
UTG+1 ($63.10)
MP1 ($79.10)
MP2 ($24.70)
CO ($50)
Preflop: Hero is UTG with 7
, 7
.
Hero calls $0.50, 2 folds, MP2 calls $0.50, 2 folds, SB raises to $1.5, 1 fold, Hero calls $1, MP2 calls $1.
Flop: ($5) J
, 3, 4 (3 players)
SB bets $2.5, Hero raises to $9, MP2 folds, SB calls $6.5.
Holy shiite Muslim. Did I just raise to nine dollars? That's 9% of my bankroll.
Turn: ($24) 4
(2 players)
SB checks, Hero bets $16, SB raises $22.75 to $38.75,
Here I vigorously punch myself 6 times in the temple. If I am conscious afterwards, my seven will come.
I wake up on the floor with only 7 seconds left on my timer. I lurch to my keyboard, hit call, and without looking at the results I start running around the house highfiving my pets.
Hero calls $22.50.
River: ($101.25) 7
Final Pot: (101.25)
Quick question. What did villain have? Answer: A A. Frootloop didn't even know that the two red aces are a losing combo. Classic error. Lesson learned, friendo.
After that hand I'm thinking of bumping up the price of my book another $100.
And as we know, the only way to beat a 50NL poker pro is to use the facepunching strat.
PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (8 handed) Poker-Stars Converter Tool from FlopTurnRiver.com (Format: FlopTurnRiver)
Button ($14.25)
SB ($49.25)
BB ($53.25)
Hero ($49)
UTG+1 ($63.10)
MP1 ($79.10)
MP2 ($24.70)
CO ($50)
Preflop: Hero is UTG with 7
, 7. Hero calls $0.50, 2 folds, MP2 calls $0.50, 2 folds, SB raises to $1.5, 1 fold, Hero calls $1, MP2 calls $1.
Flop: ($5) J
, 3, 4 (3 players)SB bets $2.5, Hero raises to $9, MP2 folds, SB calls $6.5.
Holy shiite Muslim. Did I just raise to nine dollars? That's 9% of my bankroll.
Turn: ($24) 4
(2 players)SB checks, Hero bets $16, SB raises $22.75 to $38.75,
Here I vigorously punch myself 6 times in the temple. If I am conscious afterwards, my seven will come.
I wake up on the floor with only 7 seconds left on my timer. I lurch to my keyboard, hit call, and without looking at the results I start running around the house highfiving my pets.
Hero calls $22.50.
River: ($101.25) 7
Final Pot: (101.25)
Quick question. What did villain have? Answer: A
A. Frootloop didn't even know that the two red aces are a losing combo. Classic error. Lesson learned, friendo.After that hand I'm thinking of bumping up the price of my book another $100.
That is probably the most exciting hand history Ive read in bbv ever, please write a book
03-08-2008
, 12:20 AM
03-11-2008
, 03:40 PM
For a select few, good fortune jumps out of nowhere and slaps them in the face like a pair of breasts, hopefully female, and those fortunate few are left stupefied by their sudden riches. In New York, a mechanic won the state lottery and pulled down a score to the tune of $17. He opted for $0.45 per month for the rest of his life. Call me a daredevil, but I would've gone for the lump sum.
I too can call myself one of the sudden magnificently rich. Over months and months I had grinded the Deuce into submission and pulled out a grand total of $50. And now it was time to face off against the high-stakes pros at 50NL. Over the first few hands I had tilted away $1.05 and was beginning to feel suicidal when the following hand came up:
PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (9 handed) Poker-Stars Converter Tool from FlopTurnRiver.com (Format: FlopTurnRiver)
UTG ($34)
UTG+1 ($45.65)
MP1 ($27)
MP2 ($54.85)
MP3 ($50.55)
Yakshi ($48.95)
Button ($94.65)
SB ($66.45)
BB ($50)
Preflop: Yakshi is CO with 6, 6.
UTG raises to $2, Raise UTG = AsAc, KK, or Ks8s
4 folds, Yakshi calls $2, 3 folds.
Flop: ($4.75) 6, 8, 7 (2 players)
UTG bets $3, Yakshi raises to $9, UTG raises to $15, Oh no, the dreaded minreraise -- I passed out and woke up a few seconds later
Yakshi raises to $46.95, UTG calls $17 (All-In).
Turn: ($68.75) 5 (2 players, 1 all-in)
River: ($68.75) 2 (2 players, 1 all-in)
Final Pot: $68.75
***
And now for the shocker: he had AsAc. I have never seen the two black aces go down to defeat before. I need to rewrite Chapter 6 of my book.
That unfortunate discovery aside, I was shocked and elated to take down a score of $31.25. After I finished ripping off my clothes and running around my house, I broke every window in celebration until the cops showed up and tazed me. After I stopped flopping around on my lawn, I started making a list of all the things that I'm going to buy with all that loot:
1. Yacht
2. Lamborghini
3. Natalie Portman
4. Uruguay
5. One package of frozen White Castle hamburgers
"Hop in, Natalie, you have no choice. I own you now."
And now the inevitable question: What next? Lottery winners never seem to know the answer to this question. "Gosh, I'm just going to keep watching the Family Feud and eating pistachio ice cream," they say.
Well, I'm going to drive that Lamborghini off of a ramp and out over the ocean off the coast of my new country and onto my spanking new yacht, where I will eat White Castle hamburgers and bang Natalie Portman all day long.
The life of a high-stakes grinder.
I too can call myself one of the sudden magnificently rich. Over months and months I had grinded the Deuce into submission and pulled out a grand total of $50. And now it was time to face off against the high-stakes pros at 50NL. Over the first few hands I had tilted away $1.05 and was beginning to feel suicidal when the following hand came up:
PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $0.50 BB (9 handed) Poker-Stars Converter Tool from FlopTurnRiver.com (Format: FlopTurnRiver)
UTG ($34)
UTG+1 ($45.65)
MP1 ($27)
MP2 ($54.85)
MP3 ($50.55)
Yakshi ($48.95)
Button ($94.65)
SB ($66.45)
BB ($50)
Preflop: Yakshi is CO with 6
, 6. UTG raises to $2, Raise UTG = AsAc, KK, or Ks8s
4 folds, Yakshi calls $2, 3 folds.
Flop: ($4.75) 6
, 8, 7 (2 players)UTG bets $3, Yakshi raises to $9, UTG raises to $15, Oh no, the dreaded minreraise -- I passed out and woke up a few seconds later
Yakshi raises to $46.95, UTG calls $17 (All-In).
Turn: ($68.75) 5
(2 players, 1 all-in)River: ($68.75) 2
(2 players, 1 all-in)Final Pot: $68.75
***
And now for the shocker: he had AsAc. I have never seen the two black aces go down to defeat before. I need to rewrite Chapter 6 of my book.
That unfortunate discovery aside, I was shocked and elated to take down a score of $31.25. After I finished ripping off my clothes and running around my house, I broke every window in celebration until the cops showed up and tazed me. After I stopped flopping around on my lawn, I started making a list of all the things that I'm going to buy with all that loot:
1. Yacht
2. Lamborghini
3. Natalie Portman
4. Uruguay
5. One package of frozen White Castle hamburgers
"Hop in, Natalie, you have no choice. I own you now."
And now the inevitable question: What next? Lottery winners never seem to know the answer to this question. "Gosh, I'm just going to keep watching the Family Feud and eating pistachio ice cream," they say.
Well, I'm going to drive that Lamborghini off of a ramp and out over the ocean off the coast of my new country and onto my spanking new yacht, where I will eat White Castle hamburgers and bang Natalie Portman all day long.
The life of a high-stakes grinder.
03-11-2008
, 05:23 PM
03-11-2008
, 05:45 PM
