Some of the funniest **** I've ever read. Haven't laughed this hard in a long time guys, thank you.

Multiple stories like that in here, my favorite is by a poster called AlexBalex.

That one's by ch3ckraise, same guy who started the Bing Blang Blaow thread. Put on enya, clicked spin, turned off his monitor, lit a cigarette lol.

Thread tools -> search this thread -> find post by specific user and try their usernames.

Poast links already

I'm a roulette degen. Still **** up every now and then but it happens
less frequently and when I lose my networth each time it's now only around £1k at a time. Background info- had to take time out of university due to
money problems as I would spunk away all my uni money in a drunk roulette
casino evening and eventually I ran out of ways of getting credit as my
personal debt rose to around 10K.

So I moved back home to grind a minimum wage job to get some money together for re-taking the year. I was home for like 8 months so had to work and not drink or gamble but put up with all the verbal **** from
my parents who found out about me going from £5K in savings to £-10K.

I found a job in a small bed and breakfast where I was working as a jack
of all trades- mainly reception, night portering but the odd maid service
and breakfast duties ect... cleaning bathrooms for 7hrs straight
was savage... **** knows how maids hack doing that job...
you get paid jack**** and have to handle used condoms, needles,
bloody toilets loads of skank ****. Luckily I rarely did the maidservice.
People who use hotels and b+bs are dirty mother****ers.
I mainly worked nights which was a laugh as I would be the
only person on duty... 24 rooms and we were full every night in the summer
as I live in a seaside town where everyone descends on it in the summer
for drunk debauchery so its loose and everyone is having a good time.
I was earning like £8 a h/r but doing 50-60 hr shifts so I was happy, I
got pissed at work when I wanted and I ****ed around with female guests
every other week in the toilets, kitchen, dining room whereever I felt like it.
I say female guests as for some reason my youthful
boyish looks just attracted so many raving homosexuals that I was always
getting propositioned by horny drunk queers which was annoying but they
tipped well and would drink a ****e load in the bar so I used to just pocket
half the alcohol takings as I was the only person to sell booze as it was
a way for the gays and older single lady travellers to have some company with me being an inn keeper. Sure the job was dead end but being a innkeeper I met a lot of interesting people and being very friendly I would hear all sorts of stories from people owning fishing fleets in argentina to people who sold yachts in the bahamas to all sorts of domestic **** people were putting up with in their homelives... quite entertaining really... + the hen parties every weekend was hit and miss. Some were all massive units and horrendously ugly... others were immensely fit.. and they loved to flirt constantly regardless if they were a 4/10 or a 9 and tbh I didn't care if they were a babe or a pig.

So I was getting paid weekly. Like £350 per week after all the bloody tax I was paying. But every wednesday when I got paid I would finish work at 8am then lose all my wages in the bookies on the roulette machines then go home and pass out for a few hours before the next shift. Rinse and repeat like 5 weeks in a row and I'm only just surviving on tips and my 'commission' on the booze sales that I can just afford to get to work. Free food at work wasnt a problem but I wasnt earning anything as all my money was gone in 30mins
on the lethal FOBT roulette machines we have in the UK.

Anyway the next pay day I did the same. Go straight to the bookies and put my wages in the roulette machines. But this time I win for a change. If I win I win a decent amount as I usually dont stop. So I cash like £1,500. Typical degen momemt- one win and you feel invincible/smart arse back in the game on the ascendancy and you quickly forget you've lost around £25K over last
3 years. So for the next week every day I go back and gamble mainly in the bookies on the roulette sometimes in the casino. I win every day for like 7-8 days in a row winning minimum 300 per day average about 450 and I start putting the money in the bank ect balling on some 48 hrs of
not sleeping just working long shifts then gambling or drinking inbetween. Im buzzing I have around £5k which is handy. I'm spending £300 a night on drinks and tables being a big shot on student nights just for the sake of being a knob. Things are looking good planning to jack the job in and use the money for uni and maybe a lads holiday before.

Finish work at 10pm the next night. My younger bro is out with his mates and says tag along. Im like sound. But I find out they re pre drinking at home so not in town yet. So I decide to head to the casino for a few cognacs and soda water a little bit of roulette before meeting them. I go to the casino order a double. Sit at the roulette and I'm just pounding the
table... every spin I'm smashing whatever neighbour bet I call, houdini eat your heart out. I'm upto like 2K from £40 in like 45mins. Feeling good... slightly annoyed I was playing a bit conservative as it was the luckiest I've ever been but I wasn't taking maximum value from the lucky streak. Sure I turned 40-2k but I had more luck in that session than when
I turned 15 into 6k once.

So I stop gambling even though I havent hit a downswing yet. I decide I'm happy I have a networth of 7K now I'm immortal and I'll head to the club with my bro and his mates and live it up as life is finally good... easy to forget all the losing and times when I had no money for weeks and couldnt eat for several days at a time.

I meet my brother and his mates... there are like 8 of them out and we just tear the club up.. I'm funding it all but I don't give a **** I was happy as larry. Spent like £600 when the drinks are dirt cheap but I didn't care nothing beats the lifestyle of a carefree degen who is on a winning streak.

We're in the club for like 1.5hrs when my bro says lets try the other danceroom. We are in a chavy as **** club where me and my mates always end up in a scuffle. So my brother is walking with me round the edge of the dancefloor scouting for girls. 2 lads see my brother
and in typical bellend fashion decide that because they re bigger than him (and not seeing me next to him) start heckling him and give him a push for no other reason than the fact they re pussy weak scum who deserve a smack. So I go mental. I have a tendancy to go
psycho when I'm drinking and I catch the lads out by surprise and hit the mouthy one square in the nose and launch the other lad into a group of people because I won't stand for tossers who only give it the biggun when they feel they have an advantage.

So before I know it like 2 bouncers take me down to the floor and throw me my brother and these 2 lads out. I'm spitting blood from a nice uppercut the bouncer gives me but whatever I'm bansheeing about what Im going to do to these 2 lads when we get outside. Anyways the bouncers decide
to let the other lads out a different exit and me and my bro are thrown out the front.

It's like 2am and I say to my bro lets go to the casino I'm invincible. He's like hmmmm as he always brings me bad luck but whatever we decide to get a taxi to a different casino as I decide it's unlikely I'll luck the same casino twice on god mode. So we arrive at the casino I say to my bro I'm feeling 1 or 36. You decide which one and I'll just put like £100 on that number. And if it loses we ll get some drinks and start a roulette grind. He says go for number 1. We bet, it spins 36. Hmm kind of annoying would of been £3600. I say lets try again £100 on 1, spin and repeat 36. FML instant tilt I
give my bro a long deep stare which says omfg u idiot u just had to pick 1 not 36 u've cost me like 10 bags of sand. So the next 30mins I'm just chasing number 1 and I dont hit. I lose all the remaining money i have in cash, not to worry atm time. Lose the £300 one spin. To the
cashier card payment over the counter withdraw a **** load lose it chasing number 1. Long story short I'm fuming and I've lost like £6k chasing number 1. My brother is sort of in shock as he's never seen reckless gambling like it and feeling kind of guilty that he didnt pick number 1
he starts withdrawing money from his account and the contagious reckless betting on number 1 syndrome leaves him down £1,500 and busto. Im like omfg we ve just lost 7.5k you idiot bro its your fault.
I then remember that I had an extra 1k in my bank left. **** it last chance saloon. Take the 1k out. I say to my bro heres 500 put it all on 1 neighbours by 100. I then put 500 in the touch screen which is linked to the table and put the money all around number 1.
The ball spins and I'm standing over the wheel yelling come on number 1 you dirty bastard and behold 1 red finally arrives. Im like **** yeah £3,600 on the table and like £4,500 on the touch screen equals just over 8k omfg we've done it get out of jail mouther****er. Im dancing singing everyone is looking
at me oddly but the ****ers dont realise what I've just done as they're self absorbed in their 50p chips.

Now time to crack on. Keep betting like 700 a spin for a bit not hitting massive but getting back between 900-1500 a time with a lucky hit on a number which had a massive split on it on the opposite
side of the board from 1 neighbours where the main bet is around. SO I dont hit 1 neighbours again but I m at like 10K and decide thats it bail time. we re up a small 1.5k but that is a hell of a lot better than busto. I go for a slash. As I m in the loo I come back and the last number was
14 red hmmm would of been awesome next to number 1 the ball is spinning for the next spin..
lands 1 red...
although i ve just miracled all that money I'm on ragingfire breathing dragon tilt seeing that. Pissed out of my sack but I'm still thinking damn I should of carried on why did I take a bloody leak.

I reluctantly give into my bro who says shut up you have 10k lets go. so we cash out 10k in crispy 50s. As we re walking out I look at the roulette table nearest the door and say bro look at that 7 blacks in a row run over and put 300 on red as a leaving bet just for a cheeky 300 for 3sec work. Hes like hmmm i dont think so i say bro just do it. So he puts it on.
black lose. Ok not to worry bro put the remaining 700 from this sealed bag i just opened on red and we ll walk out still up 400. black lose. hahha hmm ok bro heres 1k slap it on red.. my bro- no lets just go you have 9k left.. im like dont be silly its not going to be black.
15mins later black black black BLACK black black kcalb cant win a ****ing roulette coin flip black
and I'm down to 1k left. Im absolutely fuming. I go straight to the bj table which i never play and put the 1k down on two spots 500 each play like 8 hands run like god and I'm at 4k. I go back
to the table and ofcourse 4 reds in a row have rolled in. Im on mega tilt but my bro says lets just go you still have 4k ... im like no ****ing way I just got cheated by that bloody table
so I go back to that table and I look at the previous results a load of blacks then 4 reds but I see that all 12 of those numbers are 1-18 on the wheel... genius idea change to betting 1k on 19-36 as that has to come in. Next number= a bloody low red number next number
surprise surprise a low red number. I want to just curl up and die the torture of 50/50
roulette is too much to take. I have 2k left and decide **** it i need to hit 1 big number I give my bro 1k to put on the table on 19-36 he doesnt want to but i threaten to punch him if not.
I then put 1k on the touch screen and decide to smash all the red high numbers with most of it on 19 and 21 as I have a feeling. Those feelings which just have to be true. Ball spins and lands in
black 4 for diddly squit zero nul pfund and either side were numbers sooooo large I was too drunk to even bother to work out what they would of paid.... I think I had 400 on 21 but whatever.

So in shellshock me and my bro leave the casino. As soon as the cold air hits outside at 6am my body just sank and I was sooo depressed and dejected. Me and my bro then start arguing on a 4mile walk home along the seaside as we have no money for taxi or to wait for the bus as we re maxxed out.
My bro then proceeds to throw my bag in the sea which has all my unpaid bills in it I was saving up to pay off and
catch up with loan repayments contract phone ect... that was a grim walk home.

Beyond grim.

Great story.

sum1 make a movie of this

10 bags of sand! Excellent.

I think 1-5onceIcourtfish just won, lol. Surely you must have had more stories, maybe less awesome but still

Quoting a wall of text (however epic), that is 2 posts removed from the current post should be a ban worthy offense.

TY
TY

I enjoyed the re-read

yo wtf i just got banned from pokerstars because i asked them for my roll back after they ****ed me and i was broke and sent me some GA ****

i wish you weren't trolling, so i could sincerely laugh at you for an extended period of time.

please don't troll here, anywhere else is better. if you're not you're not and that's quite unfortunate (post your exact email? im curious why they'd do that), but i know thats what you do is troll, so im skeptical

no i'm actually serious i dont have the original email because it was sent through the client.. all it said was really 'I just lost the rest of my roll because I've been really depressed lately and your game just ****ed me' (i didn't mean it like financially i just meant like bad beat but i should have probably not had that kind of tone haha) and here's their response:

Hello,

Thank you for contacting PokerStars, although we are sorry to hear about your difficulties.

As it is apparent that playing on PokerStars is negatively affecting your life, we have permanently closed your account. Please note that in accordance with PokerStars responsible gaming policy, it will not be reopened under any circumstances. In addition, please note that you will not be allowed to create another account at any point in the future.

We wish you the best in your future endeavors. If you are interested, we would like to suggest three excellent organizations that can offer support and counseling services for those who feel gambling is having a negative impact on their lives.

1) Gamblers Anonymous:

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/

2) GamCare:

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/

3) GamblingTherapy
http://www.gamblingtherapy.org

Please do not attempt to create any other accounts as doing so is a violation of our terms of service. If we discover a new account it will be closed without notice, you will be liable for any loss that could occur and the remaining funds could be confiscated.

Best wishes to you. If there is anything else we can help you with, please let us know.

Regards,

JeffreyV
PokerStars Responsible Gaming Team

it's good to see they care, and so proactively too lol that was like 5 mins after i sent the email

edit: yo drybes how come when u think im trolling im not and when u think im not i am? ahhaa

Whoa. Heavy. That's surprisingly strict interpretation for what you said.

And its probably because I suck at reading people, ha

Do you have asbergers syndrome?

^ this is bait.

and ya its kinda wack haha im still emailing them being like wtf

lol thats brutal, id suggest trying to convince them you just a bad day and the things you said were completely related to emotions over losing hands in poker (standard). then blah blah how much poker doesnt mean to you and how you live a good life with no problems and were just venting.

^ haha ya thats pretty much exactly whats going on now.. i'll still probably suspend myself for a month or two but still lol i was really surprised that in 5 minutes this was their answer

yes try to bargain with them some suspension time off from poker toward you getting un-permabanned. i dunno that seems like an extreme response from stars like wow lol

haha pwned ruo42. ive been thinking about mailing PS aswell since my PS account is busted about give me free tickets or something.

Hell no I will do that now. Effective way to deal with beggers.

prequel-I was at university and in the midst of my roulette
degening. Each night my net worth either crashed and burned horribly or I
would stumble out the casino with a cheshire cat grin, my lucky top sky rocket and doogie howsers stuffed with ponies equating a few monkeys. I wouldn't leave til sling your hook time; I would be absolutely battered even
though last orders would be Holy sea hours before the casino shut up shop for the night.
I would skip class as I needed bo-peep and upon waking at Chopsticks I would
tiddly wink as there is f-all else to do at uni at that larger and lime.

After a spell of yo-yo-ing I've jumped from being balls deep in my student overdraft to having a hefty £2K. My china plate from back home bells me wanting to catch up and seeing as he's a United fan and I wanted to spread some bread and honey....
I said to him hey lets randomly crash another city/club scene. We'll go to Manc, book a hotel and catch a utd itch and scratch (they were playing a
mickey mouse side in the tinpot cup) so easy to get hold of a bat and wicket.
Garden gate is like safe, so we organise the trip, it's free dosh after all,
we'll suit and boot, graft on the local birds and have a jolly old time.
I pay for the hotel, jiminee crickets and my railfare...my mate decides to
steak and kidney pie up as he's a ponce when it comes to travel.

In the 2 days leading upto the trip I dump all my bugs bunny in the casino like a right dental flosser.
I wake up elephant trunk blurry haze... check the online iron tank= -1.4K with a ton left... everything is pearshaped.
My lucky top sky rocket is empty and my doogie howsers contain a load of atm receipts and a couple of deep sea divers. I feel like absolute ****, hardly in the mood for floundering up north skint, that won't cut the mustard.
Chasing skirt without any bangers and mash... ian beale brussel sprout it!

So I get on the john wayne miserable as ****. Journey delayed and I'm just
thinking in my uncle ned how does my life just go from hat and scarf to ding dong bell.


Arrive up north proper tatters in the mould, no quaker oat. Book in the hotel it's 4* proper Katie price but I sigh... well there's going to be no action in here tonight as I'm broke as ****.
I rabbit on to my china plate we'll go bottle of scotch the footy... I didnt want to break it to him then that the 'big night out' was going to be a dirty greasy kebab and a rosie lee with fast akip soon after. I didnt fancy
asking him for a cellarflap.

So the colney hatch....
sausage rolls are flying in and Cristino Ronaldo was just skinning players for tufnell park, now I've pearly queen him live, his speed and ability to dribble... defenders having a tony blair.... really easter bunny.
Ronald de boer United- Stand in Awe v Derby County- lost and won.
Hairy muff.

We get back to the city centre its like 10pm and I'm about to pussy
out for the rest of the night as I don't have a pot to piss in.
Just before I tell my dinner plate we notice there is a arcade open and he is
a sucker for the slots so we scapa flow.

I cant stand slot machines if you play them you have to be nine pence
to the shilling. Matey says he'll have a go and rolls a score in and sits there min playing and just recycling round and round.... spin 25p... win 50p spin 25p.... win 0 spin 25p..... win 50p and its excruciatingly
boring to stand next to and watch. So I go for a jane fonda.
For no reason I decide to play one of the machines. Rainbow riches with
the leprecaun having a kick and prance around with an irish ding dong.
I put a score in which is meant for munch but I wasn't in the mood for tucking into ****e fastfood anyway...but if I spunked it I would be in Barney Rubble.
I just press max bet which is 2 bob. Spin a few times... sweet f-all back I'm about to just collect the 12 squid left in the cab rank but everytime I think collect...
I just press spin.
The reels spin I get 3 pot symbols and I dont have a scooby doo
what is going on. There is bronze silver and gold pots and a little pointer is spinning til it stops on either b,s,g.
B= 70 bar S= 240 sheets G= monkey Jackpot.
The pointer lands Silver pot I couldn't adam and eve it... I expect to win diddly but my networth has just 'Hurt and be mean' X multiplied.
So the fruity pays out 240 quid which is
ching ching ching ching ching..... chinging for
too bloody long and I'm creamcrackered from having to cash them in.
I go back to my mate and he's still 25p-ing a away with little
consequence other than the fact he has a poxy £bottle of glue remaining.

We leave and I'm happy as larry that we can now spruce up and paint the town red without being in the cart... that I was skint. We hurry back to the hotel. Decide to ball and chalk rather than sherbert dab.
We're Ching minutes away from the hotel couple more frog and toads...
when we get jumped by spiders and bugs who saw a cokum...Proper Allan Border...
they want beef and try mugging us...
we end up in a massive scrap... in the deep soup, right up the gary glitter....
We try to botany bay as there are fiddle stick of them....
That didn't work. My matie's boat race was splashing crimson everywhere and he was missing hamstead heath..
and I butchers hook like the elephant man...throbbing lump of lead..
blood doctor crippen.. broken irish rose...kicked in the old cobblers... bruised mystic megs
we get well and truely duffed up a right two and eight...
We took one hell of a dewskitch ended up the A+A both having stitches and I still have a scar on my crust
of bread from hitting the frog and toad so hard. We both lost our pocketbooks, ***** and dog and bones.
The only up side... glad I didn't get the gold pots as that would of been even more of a piss take.
Didn't even bother with the Blue Bottle. Bug hunting northern ****s.

Ummm English please? ^^^^

So I was 18, with a fake ID, and Like most people I took my last 150$ to the casino to play 1-2 cash and make rent (650)

I ended up stacking around 750. I text my roomate "Good to go" and he replies "I brought a girl home you wanna wait around like an hour?" Knowing it was his first time bringing this girl home I didnt want to ruin his chances so I responded "Yeah, Ill get to work on the cable bill"

Needless to say I went home broke, atleast my roommate got laid

this is how it ended...

i'm actually really pissed i never meant for this... like my deposits are always $50-$100 and I usually cash out at one point (via echeck and they have my id) and leave a bit of roll still in the account for me to spew and I just play online for fun like wtf is this...

edit: i mean like i've always had a really clean rep with them and this was the first time i ever sent a stupid tilt email

This thread is the sole reason i just lost $500 on blackjack.

Delete please.