NOT a level, fell free to move thread if to serious forums or w/e


ok im going to be as short as possible and input developments or stuff you might want to know, so feel free to ask ANYTHING relevant to the thread and focusing the way to solve my problems(only intention here i can guarantee) but i will never reveal my identity, not even my close friends will be linked here, cause they might misjudge me and that might affect friendships, also i will probably go deep on some personal issues.
i will try to tell the true all the times knowing that as human being we have defensive mechanisms and we often fool ourselves.


im a 29yr old guy, from Europe, i was educated by my grandmother since birth, my parents split up when i had few months, my mom went to grandma house so i could be taken care while she was at work. i met my father in jail, by age of 5 to 10 i remember visiting him there, sometimes on the working yard because he was behaved inmate. when he got out i went to my other grandparents on weekend so i could visit him and we could go out, i remember him taking me to his friends houses where i could play with their children while they were getting high on heroin. but he would buy me lots of toys (drug money obv) and take me to restaurants and other places, i wouldn't blame him for being a bad father, just a drug addict.
the drug part only started to make some sense for me later after various yelling at home with my grandma, mom and aunt that was also living there, yes i latter figured out both of them were also doing heroin.
well, methadone 'arrived' and soon all they began 'treatment' if u want call it that.

at the time this was nothing for me to worry about, i didn't have clue about drugs, i promised my grandma that i would never touch a cigarette, she was very protective, she raised mom plus 3 aunts/uncles and now she was doing it with me, and for one part she did a great job since i was one of the best school students, however i had non to few friend relationships, it was like being a greenhouse flower, most of the time i spent was at home and i soon turned out as a shy, quiet, silent, naive kid.

she died when i was 13, and then i was on my own, my mother had different standards, she used to say kids that were kept under strict education/control were to came out one day and do all the things they wanted anyway so she basically game free ticket to do whatever i wanted as long i was home before xy hours.

as the years pass by im in high-school, i had 1st gf, i do drugs (hash), got my 1st food delivery job at 15 and pay/buy all my stuff such as bike, motorbike, drivers license, car, clothes, console games, etc.. and at age of 21 after dropping school due to lack of money to go to university im working on that middle salary job i feel prod of getting. i meet new ppl and new drugs and i waste ~5yrs of my live doing cocaine. this was a big bad shift for me. i spewed all the jobs i would get and obv the money. as i climbed out of it on my own i have 27 and i want to recover my live back, i turned down myself, many friends and family and i should have known better about hard drugs. i had nothing, still in living with mom at grandma place, no money, no job, wrong friends, just an ex gf that i had been on/off kinda relationship and seems to still somehow get along with me (most obv cause she didn't knew the truth).

by that time i've started playing poker, and with some luck a guy i met taught me some stuff and in some time i was playing for a living. it was great to learn all the discipline factors that involve this great game, i made 15k 1st year and that is more then decent in the country i live in, its close to double average wage to give an idea. i was so happy that i was finally working for myself and making decent money. by the end of that year i had some disturbing(atm) news: ex gf was pregnant, we both discussed but time for abortion had passed, we weren't even dating then, it was clear for her i didnt wanted this and i had no way to afford for a child, i was still living with my mom and younger brother that is handicapped and they both were unemployed so poker monies were putting most of the food on the table by then. she knew about my family, she knew about the ex-drug-addicted parents i had, and she is from a countryside family that own land among other stuff, she was studying architecture on a close city and her parents afforded for all that she needed.

so i worked my head off and decided i would move with her to a place for us, i was going to move up stakes and with lot work and dedication i would make it work, and i did; we split all house expenses and pre-baby stuff that was needed and others she wanted.
but things weren't so smooth, her younger sister also studies at same university and soon after one month she was spending days and sleeping on the living room couch of our 2 room apartment (one room was used as my office).
it didn't take long for her to move there against my will, 6 months away from baby delivery and we rarely speak to each other. i give away to my lady desire and allow that she moves there, but soon i start having second toughs and warn her it cant work out but its too late, intimacy isn't the same because of her sister and time goes by and instead of bonding we break bonds and by the time baby is born we already had serious arguments, some of them regarding money and my work that she in fact disapproves(even after hours of explanations) creating a bad environment for me to work there and worthless to say all this reflected on my results/performance.

my baby born and her sister (obv) left, too much crying i guess. but what was supposed to bring us together even tear us apart even more, because we were constantly arguing about past issues and with time i figure this wont work out and i decide to leave. she makes my mind and we agreed to came to my home town (where i was coming once per 2 weeks to be with family/friends), we decide that it would be good for the baby to be close to grandparents besides she had to drive ~80 miles 4 days per week to be at university. we move to a non furnitured house and i have my friends/family over to help decorate and move furniture, plus i have friends over with some regularity and she totally disapproves and complains about that. it took about 2 months for her to leave and i start to feel the pain of not living with my son, i start to lower my dedication/ambition for poker and im lose my bankroll and the ability to put volume mostly due to stop studying the game and improving.

i know all i have to do is to wake up and work out my live to have stability and gather money for the future of my kid and myself but my live its a mess, its 4 months she left and i play on/off for very low periods, i got someone to share the place with but i cant afford it for long if dont start working, all this problems mixed together causes the wrong mindset i need to play. added to this is the fact i dont enjoy going out anymore, im constantly thinking i should be working and im dont deserve to have fun until i fix my life, most of the time im with friends im really not there, it feels like im always thinking/zooming inside my head, this is also bad poker/life balance from the past; my friends and family recognize something is wrong with me but they assume its bad variance from poker.



i acknowledge that most times in my life i turned the table over to my side, im a fighter, i can have anything i want as long as i want it enough to work hard for it, and i have high standards but i also acknowledge that i've fooled myself lot times over foolish stuff and i try not be the perfectionist i was educated to be, think i made all i could and im just human but the real big issue here is that even having a child i dont have much of a will to live, im starting to question myself if its worth it, i try to remember all the good times i had and that means nothing to me cause life sucks and still will till my days are over; i wondered if i had all the things and money i wanted, i wondered if i could be any place, with anybody i wanted, i wondered if i could live the life i wanted, but all these answers seem inaccurate and disappointing to me. in my mind that wouldn't change anything to and im starting to be afraid where my mind will derail to, or if i continues like this soon i'll do something stupid such as kill myself.

off to bed now, so replies only tomorrow

I dont have a good solution, just way how I deal with similar issues. I am thinking daily about suicide. I have depression. I worked with psychiatrist and have take antidepressiva. I didnt really help.
What keeps me from suicide, is the thought, that is something I can always do. It wont run away. I try all this standard stuff, I am sure u know about, like sports, friends, work.... It doesnt really help, but I try.
Another thing, which may be is interesting, is that when I play poker more, the situation gets worse. I think it is probably because poker clearly has an influence on dopamin/serotonin system and apparently in no good way.


May I ask from which European country r u? (i am german)

You're going to have a hard time getting serious responses if your second sentence is "ok I'm going to be as short as possible" and then you post something this insanely long and rambling. It's almost unreadable.

I think you need to seek some professional help. A psychologist could really help you out, right now.

I have alot of experience with depression and existential distress and if you need to talk to someone please feel free to PM me and I will gladly be there to listen

yeah i kind derailed and made a sick story of my life instead of going for what i really want to achieve with it, which is how can i be/live happy life that makes sense?

had some of those, great listeners but bad speakers imo, besides i definitely dont need pills and i dont think i need to know my psy/neurological problems either in order to 'fix' my depression.


id be happy to do it but still cant pm, mods?

I'm sorry man, it does seem your motivation is down. In the end, we're all going through something.
Stop smoking that hash when down, it's not meant for that
Cheers from Central America.

Write a novel if you wish to tell your story, ask questions if you desire answers.

what would you do if you knew almost all the 'doing' needed to be happy and successful but just dont have the motivation/ dont think its worth/ whatever my issue is.

we also know that in order to be happy and successful one of the key points is like/love what you do, and i dont feel that way anymore and i have very low expectation that i will in the near future.

So, what's the problem?

its not worth it anymore, pipe dreams imo

Op what is your lifestyle like on a every day basis? Do you go to the gym, Eat healthy?

How many people go to a psychologist and come out several months later feeling uplifted and completely cured of their depression? Like most, I have my doubts about the practical value of so-called professional help outside of when someone is on the brink of suicide.

A life coach would be better than a psychologist. A life coach would help you achieve the things you want while a psychologist would just identify your "problems". It's better to just forget there's anything wrong with you and just live your life the way you want to.

Hi loop, i know this is a serious thread and this post isn't a joke. However I saw this picture a while ago and I really thought it was quite great. Hopefully it doesn't offend you.



I have had deep depression and very bad thoughts before as well, it is horrible. I wish I could offer some good advice but i'm not very good at that. All I can say is I hope everything works out for you as it sounds like you've had a rough time in life. Always remember no matter how bad you've had it though there are people out there much worse off.

Also here are some motivational videos I highly recommend you watch to inspire you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSYtQy9EqTA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOlTdkYXuzE

Good luck man.

Sorry to hear your story, your life sounds actually really tough from a very young age.

Lots of the advice in this thread is terrible and exactly the sort of things that make you feel worse in this situation rather than better. You have depression, which is both a physical and mental illness. You do not need a life coach. You do not need to 'just get on with life'. You need professional help. Go to the doctor an tell him about how you feel and are unable to enjoy anything or work as a result of this.

I have depression myself and can tell you that 'fixing' this is going to be a very long and difficult journey for you. Your personality traits that make you a "fighter" or survivor are the same ones that have pushed your emotions and mind into feeling like you do now. It is interesting that you put so much about your upbringing into this post, it is clear that you have many unresolved issues stemming from this, which is entirely unsurprising given the problems you faced, this is where a good therapist can help you both understand these issues AND find ways to live in a more healthy way in light of them. The poster who claimed that therapy doesn't help you live your life better was simply wrong.

You fit many of the archetypal traits of someone with depression, and it's important to know that you are definitely not the only person to feel like you do. What's most important to know is that it can be fixed, that you don't always have to feel like you do now, but you'll have to want to work at it.

Feel free to PM me any questions, or anything else, at all. And good luck.

God's promise still stands. Pray for guidance and wait patiently.

You do not need to use complete sentences in your prayers -- just say "Thank You Lord!"; "Mercy...", or simply talk to Him, "God..." or something like, "Oh, God...". Just be merciful so that He will hear you when you ask for mercy.

Count your blessings not your troubles.


How to Increase Faith
http://www.wikihow.com/Increase-Faith

How to Be Blessed
http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Blessed


Love You,

Larry

Everyone has a tough childhood! Life is a new beginning at every moment starting NOW! You can be anything you want! SO DO IT!

Saying things like this to someone with depression is one of the very worst things you can do.

no the picture is ok, im not that serious guy i guess but i can relate to that, the world is (or at least was) my oyster, believe me i 'play with fire' lot times, im actually risking a good jail time cause im dealing drugs to pay my rent, plus i have other health issues that i should be attending and i dont give a ****. but that doesn't mean that i dont care about ppl, last thing i want to do is leave my son grow without a father, almost same way as me (just the physical person was there). im not a suicidal guy at all, im just frightened with the fact that i have very few joy in live atm.

thanks for the videos and encouraging words

before my grandma died i was a very 'straight' kid because she used to beat me. it lasted some years till i start doing stuff on my own and get 'drowned'.

i still like the advice, i talk with friends about my daily/momentary problems and i love the feel of that support/motivation. i like to cheer up ppl when they're down too, but atm recon i shouldn't have a good ability for that
my poker mentor/coach also gave me very good advice on stuff about poker live. if i had someone that could 'train/guide' me to do stuff the way its supposed to be(im lazy) would be a good start to forget my depression.

sry bro with all due respect i dont believe and i dont disbelieve in God, tbh i have many doubts about it besides the many interpretations of the bible, Quran or w/e the name of the book is.

well thats a good spot to pick at, i admit i totally derailed my daily routine since girl left and a lot times i find myself in front of the computer for hours drinking coffee and smoking. when my depression hits me most i dont leave my room and i watch movies and series for days. like poker graph swing my live its like that, always unexpected. example i spend last week semi decent, i make 30min of gym 3 day per week(want to achieve 1hr and 5 days)

this is a dumb motto imo, yeah everyone has tough spots in live, i dont doubt that and lol yeah! im way better that the ppl of middle east that lives under dictators or in Africa starving to death.

however even the fact of recognizing i know the road bumps and i've made it before doesn't mean it makes me happy to go over it again and again even with success.

where can i get this type of therapist ?

panda i liked ur advice too, u seem to know in some way whats going on, will pm soon, ty everyone, i will keep posting

This image misses the point completely. At least if one is thinking rationally and not under the effect of drugs or mental disorder, then the contemplation of suicide is a rejection of all reality. You cannot apply the framework of existence that you have to a rational mind that has decided that they no longer wish to exist.

This is really wrong and miss-informed. You are at a very dark place and are considering suicide, what do you have to lose? Talking to a professional about this stuff really does help ( i was in a similar place recently). You aren't going to beat this randomly one day and suddenly feel better. It is a process and you have to find a way to improve your life, and have a reason to wake up every day/be happy.

Why not talk to a psychologist? Go for 1 session even, see if you think they can help. ou have everything to lose (your life) if you don't you can't beat serious issues like this by yourself no matter how strong you may be.

EDIT= That image is very mis-informed and not helpful to op at all. It is obv written by some 16 year old who lives in a fantasy world, its just not that easy.

gtfo, OP does not need religion to beat this.

Growing up in a wealthy family we were fortunate to be able to afford seeing very good doctors. Having a mother who wanted the best for us along with her approval of the use of psychologists found us using these types of services. My older sister took her own life despite using psychologists. I had seen many psychologists in my younger years and I can say that I'm alive today due to God. One important thing that a psychologist can help us with is listening to our intimate problems which can be very healing for us as stated in a program developed by Dr. Ornish. Certainly relying on God to help us is always available.

Dr. Ornish is a world renowned doctor who once considered taking his own life and I also found his program to be very helpful in all areas of my life.

http://www.ornishspectrum.com
http://www.ornishspectrum.com/proven...m/love-support

So many people, such as Pay the Line, posting in a thread about depression when they have absolutely no idea what the illness, how it affects you or how to solve it, is frankly quite depressing itself.

edit: caved in and looked at the programme you posted. It is nowhere near being adequate for curing depression. At all.