seems like a cool spot to bluff kk in his spot

Today was such an incredibly tough day to take. I won't go into pots or anything specific, but I literally played completely flawless in apparently the toughest tournaments of the year, the $10k no limit 6 max.

I'm not going to be arrogant or anything like that, just realistic, I played ****ing awesome, I could blog about 15 hands, but I inevitably lost KK v AK all in pre xxxxA and then the rest with AA v 77 aip.

I don't care if it's an admission of failure. **** it, I failed. I can't take it anymore, I know its a small sample size, but literally in every live tournament 5k-25k I've been absolutely ****ed whilst playing as good as I possibly could at the time. At the moment I'm way better than 6 months ago and progressed so much in the last 12 months. It's too much to take for me and enough is enough.

Every time I bust a tournament at 7pm, I'm going home, spending hours studying, going over ICM spots, going over tournament hhs, being the absolute pro I can be. I wake up early, meditate, relax, massage, gym, all the ****ing stuff I'm supposed to, but no ****ing dice. It's so tough to take and I'm way past angry, I really just don't think I care anymore. I'm completely and utterly over it. There's a really good $3000 no limit tournament tomorrow but I'm just over it. I hate to moan, but its just how I feel, I've played as well as possible all trip, I'm maybe not as good as X, Y or Z, but personally I've played at my absolute full capacity, and I believe I'm good at this game. It's just so painful seeing the ace on the river, but inside me it felt inevitable.

The fact is I either am way, way overconfident or I'm delusional and have a way higher sense of entitlement than is necessary.

Either way, I'm either running way more normal than I think or I'm running unquestionably bad over Monaco/SCOOP/Vegas. I don't think I can take it anymore and tbh I just want to get out of here.

Over the last few years as you all know I've given poker absolutely everything, I sacrificed a lot and dedicated myself in areas where I perhaps shouldn't have. Now I don't feel motivated, don't feel determined, I just feel like its all unfair and the whole world is against me. I just feel so unhappy when I don't succeed in poker, I do everything I can to succeed that is pyscially possible, but when its out of your hands and your fail, its just so, so hurtful.

I'm going to go to sleep now and the intention is to go to the Airport and get on the first flight that seems attractive and see where I end up.

Apologies if this seems moany or something, just how I feel.

What a ridiculous post

.

great guys, (Y) I'll just refrain from being any way emotional and give you the

ah, gg yesterday aa < 77, kk < ak. gettem next time.

my bad.

i don't know what it is, but if bricking all these tournaments is such a big deal, you pbb shouldn't play them or sell a higher % or whatever needed to be done. gl recovering

I'm a keen follower of your blog. Your thought processes and dedication are unquestionably the main reason for your impressive success so far, but this post is beyond ridiculous.

I put this 'Oh F it I'm going to give up' post down to a combination of you running above EV online and still struggling with the mental aspects of the game.

Sure there are spots where you've ran bad online but I really don't think your ROI/results are sustainable in the games you play. As a result I think you go into these live birds with too great an expectation.

On top of this, its clear (and by your own admission?) you struggle with some of the mental aspects. Your posts come across as a bit whimsical (gonna stay in vegas till Christmas, going to try this, do that etc) when you're talking about a sample size of what, 20 tournaments?!

Anyway, hope this doesn't come across as anything other than someone who respects and admires your talent but thinks you need to man the f up and realise, this is variance. It happens. You're better than most the field. You will win in the long run. So drop the over dramatic 'I'm out of here' attitude when, in reality, you've probably run over EV across a fairly decent sample.

Gl

I don't get this whole running above ev thing. In the last 3 months I've probably gone on a 200k downswing. I've sold pieces etc, but the most I can be up in the last 18 months is like 300k and when I consider myself a top 10 reg and I've definitely played more than most "high stakes regs" the whole "you've ran well" "you're on a heater" etc really pisses me off.

Again, I never hold back, I say exactly how I feel. Every reg goes through ups and downs, I'm just trying to document it in a thread so others can see how MTT players actually feel on a day to day basis.

I thought I was reading a white girls tumblr post

Regardless of how you've run or the fact this is a candid insight into your mindset, reacting to a downswing by suggesting you pack up and leave Vegas is pretty ridiculous.

I get the fact that this is how you feel and therefore this is what you write but come on, you're talented and need to react better to heartbreak if you intend on being a tourney pro for a few years.

'Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up'

Thomas Edison

I find from trying to win money on events of chance that there is a very fine line between not caring enough, and caring too much.

Finding the right balance is very difficult, but important towards having the right mindset and making it work.

At the moment in seems you're caring too much. Step away, go to the zoo or something, be with nature, view something spectacular, help out at a homeless shelter. Think about how insignifcant you are in this world and in quite a short space of time you'll be dead and forgotten about. Might sound depressing, but it helps put things into perspective.

I'd give my right b*llock to be in your situation right now, and so would millions of others.

This isn't me trying to say that I'm better than everybody else and the goat. This is me saying I cannot
Deal with the variance. 3/4 months ago I hired elliot Roe and told Him the next 3 months will make or break me. I really went for it. Huge monaco, huge scoop, huge vegas. It broke me. I ran very well swapping pieces but mentally it's drained me out and I don't have much to give. Many many others would handle it way better than me but I can't do it. It's the brick wall I've hit and I can't take the pain anymore. I seriously love the game soMuch, it's given me so much ammunition to enjoy life and hopefully it will Continue to but the last 3/4 months have just slowly picked away at me.

I'm going to go away, come back and play 2 tournaments. The one drop and the main event. I have zero expectations. I get hurt when I have expectations. My sole purpose will be to play perfectly or As close to perfect as I can possibly go. IF I fail, I fail. For me the summer is finished. A failure but a realistic failure. I haven't lost much money at all, everything is ok. I'm just abit hurt.

Again so many apologies for moaning. To me this is my diary. It's not a blog or a public place that I write. It's a very personal diary that I daily say exactly how I feel. I know it could be very condescending to many, and I've admitted a guilt of potential entitlement.

Who knows maybe I wake up and decide to fire the $3k

Will post again in 24 hours either from an unknown destination or a report from over betting in the 3k. Secretely the true degen inside me would prefer to be playing the tournanent tomorrow.

Lol at the hate - this blog is great for the strat content and for OPs emotional honesty about the rollercoaster that playing HSMTTs entails.

Of course it's ridic to leave vegas over this, but these feelings are completely normal after busting the umpteenth live tournament in a row. I wouldn't bet on him being out of vegas tomorrow, but I also don't blame him for feeling this way right after busting (and posting about it).

You'll play the $3k, no worries.

Every mtt'er has had these feelings of desperation, entitlement and due'ness. You're kinda lucky that this happened only ~150pages of PCG in and that you've had the time and capital to surround yourself with likeminded and intelligent people that could help you put things into persepctive.

It's kinda funny, everytime you're at your top e.g. after you rebounced your 2014 WCOOP run etc. you think you've seen it all and that you can handle the next bump with ease, then variance hits you back twice as hard and you're in that same emotional rollercoaster again. It's the big MTT-trap and I guess the way we handle such things will be the difference between Pads and a Seiver / Brynkenney / Mizzi.

In before pads ships the $3k

I second what pablito said. Some of u must not know what it feels like. I totally feel what pads is saying. It's rough. It's not easy being out in Vegas for a month and a half when you're playing your best and bricking everything. When things are rosy, it seems like paradise. Sometimes, it's best to take a backseat and take a break. When pads said he was gonna leave, I didn't think he would. But if he does, maybe that's best for him. He's been on the road for a while. Sometimes, a break does wonders. You can't appreciate his honesty in this thread but at the same time be a hypocrite when he makes a post like that.

@pads - Live poker sux..lets face it. I've been taking bunch of shots myself and nothing has worked out so far. I often wonder why some are constantly doing well in these liveaments and ask myself is it just variance or is there a solution? Have they just solved live poker? I'm still searching for the answer. I hope u find it and if u do, pls do share it with us.

When I saw your schedule for the summer I thought to myself wow that's a lot of ****ing poker. Also it's live poker which is out of your comfort zone despite how comfortable you perceive yourself to be at the table.

I think taking the day off tomorrow would be a good idea. Go on a daytrip to the canyon or to area51 or something that you'd find interesting. Go to the spa and chill out, have a massage and a couple of treatments and get this out of your system. Head massage is the nuts btw. You don't have to leave Vegas to get away from poker, there's tonnes of things to do that will help you clear your mind and recharge.

Glgl

This #NeverGiveUp

Lol at the people that think there is any hate in here thus far. I think what those people are trying to say is toughen up and persevere.

Look at the competitive nature of Jason Mercier... bombing WSOP 2015, but he keeps fighting and pulls through winning his 3rd bracelet.

Look at most competitive athletes on losing teams... they could be the best at their position but still end up losing. But they continue to workout and strive to win their next match until they do.

Look at the little boy that keeps falling off the bike and skinning his knees, multiple times. He hates that bike but keeps trying until he masters it.

Pads, thank you for sharing strat and emotions. Its a rollercoaster for sure. GL in what ever you choose.

Been following this amazing blog for a bit now. Love that you just write as a diary and leave it all out there. All Tourney pros have had these feelings, but eventually when positive side of variance comes back around it will all be forgotten. Keep going and I'm sure you will reach the light by the end of summer. I'm heading out to Vegas on the 28th, hit me up if you want to grab a beer.

I don't think there is any genuine hate either. The fact that you are so upset about bricking these tournaments makes me think there is something fundamentally wrong with pad's approach to the game. In poker, you should never take things for granted, and definitely don't have the sense of entitlement you seem to have. Yeah, you might be better compared to 99% of the field. So ****ing what? This summer in Vegas you'll only play 15-20 tourneys max (a lot of them are huge minefields too), you can't be really expecting to immediately win a bracelet. Just give it your all, and re-evaluate after the series, and when you're feeling down/upset, take a few days off and come back with a fresh mind(set). Seems very very unhealthy to be hurt that much by just bricking a few tournaments. You even said it yourself on the stream a couple of days earlier, "realistic odds of me winning a bracelet in those minefields NLHE tournaments are maybe 1:300", so if you are in for the long run, you should def do something about it.

Nailed it.

good luck to you with whatever you decide. Deep down you must know that these experiences only make you better.

His post was said to be ridiculous, which it isn't. Of course he needs to toughen up and grind through it, which I'm sure he knows and will. That's not the point though.

You don't think Mercier ever broke a mouse and whined to his friends till they got sick of him, or something similar?
You don't think elite athletes ever think 'why do i bother, might as well sniff some coke and roll around in my cash' after losing a game to inferior opposition?
You don't think that kid ever threw his bike away, angry and crying?

That's what pads' post is. It's an extremely common and natural reaction, it's just rare that people are so open about it.