I kneeled beside her and prayed last night. Today we lay her to rest.

"Youre the only one who can hold your head up high. Shake your fist at the gates saying I have come home now!..Fetch me the spirit the son and the father. Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended!"

I haven't been inside a church in years. I was raised Catholic but my faith wavered soon after confirmation. I always believed in god as the almighty, but I dont care much for the mumbo jumbo spin that the church puts on everything. The Boston area cover up thing years ago pretty much sealed the deal for me. Now I dont feel any need for books or priests to feel a connection to God. However today is different. Today its not about me nor my faith. Today is about my mother. Words can't express how grateful I am for my life. Therefore I will be in church today. I chose to be a pall bearer along side my brother and other assorted gentlemen. My brother and I will also be covering her casket with cloth before we take our seats. I'm not sure where I'm going to sit yet. If my girlfriend comes then I will sit with her in the back. If not I will find a spot with my father and siblings.

Its not going to be an easy day. I guess thats how its supposed to be.

Played 9 holes yesterday at a course a few towns over that I hadn't played before. Guy I used to work with told me it was fun. I saw the sun for the last time on my way up the first fairway. It started to snow lightly around hole 5. The wind was moderate until the last 2 holes. A big gust came just as I set up to take the par putt from 12 feet on 9. I left the putt short in the face of the wind.

Then back at home I did a short workout.

Back bridge: 10 seconds poor form. 20 seconds better form. 10 seconds ok form.

Pushups 5/5/10/10

Had shrimp and tofu red curry last night. Was really good. Then near instant food coma set in. I slept like a baby.

Played 9 yesterday at Dawn with 9 hole raincheck from Thursday. 30 degrees partly sunny with light wind. Course was frozen and it was really difficult to hold the greens. A feat that I accomplished twice , which was pretty lucky to be honest.

Today I Chopped some wood and messed around with 20 lb dumbbells.

45 mins chopping.

Dumbbells shoulder rack squats 20lbs each hand 3x10

Dumbbells vertical punch squats(similar to slow snatch balance 3x5.

Forgot to mention the 2x10 dumbbells rows I did last night.

Then I did pushups around 1130pm. 5/5/10/10.

I'm up early in the middle of nowhere. Got to take my retreat to the country side. They have chickens goats a dog and a cat now. It's actually my ex girlfriends house(2003 to 2005). We buried the hatchet around 2012. Now we get along better than ever. I dig the farm life and her husband is a good guy.

I taught their kids some French last night. How to find a toilet and how to ask for cheese seemed like the most appropriate ideas.

I attempted to sum up what playing music does to people last night:

Music makes you more intellectually confident.

I believe this is true of any activity involving that special part of the brain that makes sense of language and music. In the same way that giving an oral report exercises the central nervous system's ability to perform, thus improving the cns function itself, playing a tune on an instrument exercises the brain; there are many benefits to this exercise but I think the most important effect is the improvement of how fast one can think. Time is the ultimate judge of intellectual confidence, and I'd venture a guess that Stevie Ray Vaughan could think quite quickly given the numbers of notes he was able to pack into short intervals of time.

https://youtu.be/DQ4REYdCkTw

Life without you. Live. It takes a very high level of emotional intelligence, in addition to the intellectual confidence that stevie had, to go on this ramble mid song. Nice slow jam. Note stevies theatrics. Rip.

4 hours couch sleep. Coffee for breakfast.

10 alternating bodyweight lunges.

10 second back bridge

10 alternating lunges 20 lbs each hand.

10 second back bridge

10 alternating weighted lunges.

10 second back bridge.

Half hour splitting wood.

12 hours sleep in my own bed. Coffee for breakfast. Then this workout:

Romanian Deadlift/high pull with calf extensions and shrug. Building up to 152x5/10/10.

Clean and front squats building up to 125x3x5.

Now doing pushups inside. Forgot to mention I was lifting in the 29 degree wind outside.

Pushups 10/20/10.

Morning weigh in 211 lbs(up 14 since lifting regularly. Aiming between 220 and 225 lbs before cut weight).

Ive been up since 4am. If this is what fire cyder does to me I might have to start taking it regularly. Seriously since my shot of fire cyder 3 days ago ive woke up early ready for action every day.

Today is not a lifting day but I'm hoping for some physical activity of some kind. Guy sent me invitation to lift last night. But I already worked out yesterday. He said he was dragging. My reply, "it aint gonna squat itself."

10 bodyweight lunges alternating.

Dynamic leg and arm warmups.

10 alternating lunges

10 second back bridge

15 second back bridge with +1 breath.

5 lateral lunges each side.

10 backwards lunges alternating

Bodyweight squats 3x10

Assisted pistol 2 each leg was the goal of all that warm up. Felt ok. Used chair and counter for balance and to help push.

10 bodyweight squats.

I'm going to do light recovery day stuff until it starts to burn me out.

Looking at yesterday's workout I really like the addition of the Romanian high pulls. Made the cleans feel really light. I'll be using that warm up from now on.

Unfortunately my lifting space is covered in snow. Instead I intend to do all the lunges squats back bridges and pushups inside today.

Got a large bucket of balls at the range yesterday afternoon. I failed to complete the mission. By the end I had totally lost interest in hitting golf balls.

However I did actually break a sweat hitting the 3 wood.

On pistols:

Ive never been good at these which is likely due to only practicing assisted pistols on a handful of occasions. The last time was 10 years ago. I think assisted is the way to go but if anyone knows better dont be shy.

Beside the driving range, I didnt do any exercise yesterday. Funny because the day before I came here saying I was doing off day stuff too but awwww **** it. Wasnt feeling like doing anything strenuous. Had to shovel in the morning but it wasnt a lot. Just felt like taking a day off.

I kinda feel like hiking today. Maybe see some animals. I have some decent wildlife stories. I'm not lucky nor good at finding animals. I just happen to spend a decent amount of time away from civilization and thats where animals tend to hang out. Its simple probability.

My favorite animal stories are these:

That's My Tree Mother ****er

Fish on Bro

In the first I run through the woods, stop to piss on a large tree atop a hill. Zip up, turn around and theres a full grown 8(?) Point buck staring at me from arms length away.

In the second I had a seal as fishing company on ocean beach in Eastham Massachusetts.

Now of course I see animals often which dont engage me personally. These two however took a particular interest in me for some reason. The seal maintained eye contact for a solid 5 minutes. The deer ran off after just 15 seconds.

For the record I didnt get to pet the deer, but the seal and I were high fiving. He called it high flippers though.

So yeah hiking. Wheee.

30 degrees light snow in the driveway.

10 bodyweight squats

Romanian Deadlift with calf extensions and shrug 95 lbs x10.

10 Saturday night fever squats.

Rdl variation 115x10.

Rdl variation 152x10/6/8.

Pushups(indoors) 5 warm up then 4x10.

Ok the guy with squat rack is voluntarily quarantine for a week citing personal reasons. Said ask if I want to use gym. I dont plan on asking unless the weather on lifting days is really bad and only if I feel indoor bodyweight workout isn't enough. An unlikely result of the combined probabilities of the unrelated events. Chaos theory predicts that I'm most likely to work out at home at least until next Friday.

Chaos theory can be applied to weightlifting. A bunch of unrelated(separated by space and time) events like eating sleeping and lifting(primary events) but also including logistic events like travelling to lift(secondary event) all are combined as probabilities that drive the outcome (physical adaptations). Without each event providing necessary influence in the process there will be less adaptation or none.

This is why weightlifting, or strength training of any kind really, is just our primitive minds enacting some control over the chaos that lays beneath our reality.

Off day today. I didn't hike yesterday. Its pretty cold today and tomorrow. No plans chilling hit me up etc etc.

Started with the basic karate warm up I learned when I was a kid.

Sit ups 10/8/5 to fail on last set.

Back bridge 3x10 seconds.

Alternating lunges 10 each side.

Lateral lunges 5 each side.

Alternating lunges 10 each side.

Bodyweight squats 2x10.

Saturday night fever squats 2x10.

Pushups 5x10.

Post workout weigh in 208.8 lbs.

During my getaway last weekend, where I was hanging out with some people that have strong feelings about health and fitness, my drunk friend said something about what it means to be in shape. I waited until the next morning to ask him what he thought it meant to be in shape.

I dont remember the exact words but he tried to put some absolutes like being able to run a certain distance or perform certain exercises. Then the question was turned on me.

For me being in shape is not a goal. The phrase doesnt really mean anything to me. Its about the journey. I believe all exercise should be intended as a way to improve strength speed and agility and if not then the exercise is pretty useless.

From there the conversation went a different way. He tried to tell me about his "beach body" program that he has yet to start. Then some kids interrupted and conversation was over.

But yeah strength speed and agility. I think that covers all the important parts of what training should be about imo. In the spirit of the zero program theme, we find some structure. Perhaps we dont need any material goals if we just try to consistently improve these aspects of athleticism.

I know that I'll probably never exhaust linear gain on squats and Deadlift given my haphazard programming. So call me the eternal novice idgaf. Labels are not important. Sometimes even progress isnt important to me. However what's important to me is being physically able to be the guy people call when they have a hard job to do. If my body doesn't perform then I dont make money. Period.

The sports I play are just the gravy. Funny that working hard doesnt give me a high. But playing sports provides great natural highs. Its a mental thing I guess

I worked out yesterday but it wasn't hard. I would like to be able to do that workout every day, while lifting real weight every other day. Maybe if I dont fry my cns I can greatly improve my stamina while maintaining strength speed and agility. Probably shouldn't jump right into such madness. I'll ease my way in with some 3/4 days workouts and see how that goes.

Yesterday bodyweight stuff.
Today weights.
Tomorrow bodyweight stuff
Rest.
Weights
Bodyweight
Weights
Rest.

This puts me on pace for weights next Sunday. Maybe if I'm burned out I'll reevaluate. Hopefully I'm feeling good a week from now.

930am squats mixed bag.

10 bodyweight
10 second bottom hold.
10 bodyweight
15 second hold
10 bodyweight
20 second hold.
10 Saturday night fever fast
20 second hold
10 Saturday night fever fast
10 iron cross.
10 hands at ease (crossed behind me)

Chin ups at noon at friends house.

1/4 mile walk.

Chins 1 rest 1 rest fail rest

Then I jumped so I could hold top position seven times. Longest was maybe 20 seconds.

These are a work in progress.

1/4 mile walk.

Dynamic leg and arm stuff.

Bodyweight squats 2x5. 2x10. Hold 20 seconds. 1x10.

25 second back bridge

20 second squat hold.

Squat 1x10.

Powerclean plus hang cleans building to 115x3x3.

Romanian Deadlift variation 152x3x10.

Maybe pushups later.

Pushups 5 warm up then 4x10.

Mental notes.

I want to change clean and squats routine to be (Powerclean plus 2 hang cleans plus 3 front squats) as I think this will allow smoother Powerclean progression while maintaining some semblance of squat work.

Full rest day today. Shoveled first thing in the morning. Was easy. No back fatigue pain at all today. Hit a medium bucket at the driving range. Thats all for physical activity today.

Decided that working out 6/8 days was good starting point for adjusting to recovery day work.

Ive been dabbling with holding bottom position of squats. Feels pretty good actually. Might add some different arm positions to work flexibility and balance.

I think I finally got a little feel for "the scoop" action just before the jump during the Powerclean. Past few times have been pretty smooth.

Knees havent hurt at all yet this winter. I'm happy with this long term progress.

Dynamic warm up

10 bodyweight squats
20 second back bridge
10 squats
30 second back bridge
20 second squat hold
30 second squat hold.

Then I moved out to the driveway.

Powerclean plus hang cleans 125x3x3.

Romanian Deadlift variation 152x3x10.

Now back inside doing pushups. 5/20/10/19 finished with legit fail.

this was supposed to be clean plus squat, but something went wrong during warm up.

cleaned 95x4 plus 5 front squats after last clean.

cleaned 105x4 plus fail first squat attempt. got into the hole too far on my heels. fell back during initial drive and had to step back. then i put it down and reconsidered going for more than 5 reps of anything if multiple cleans are involved per set.

then i tried to powerclean 115. got 3 easy reps so i went for the 125x3x3.

but yeah the fail is no good. to be honest with myself i probably wasnt focusing enough. could have been due to the 4 cleans and we're back to the multiple clean rule of thumb.

now i think the fail squat was due to the factors mentioned above as well as the new sneakers i got. ive been lifting in workboots for some time now and this was the first time i tried to squat in sneakers in quite a long time. its like my heels thought there was going to be a nice high solid platform for them to push off, but when i got into the hole(probably too fast wasnt focusing) that familiar platform wasnt there.

i have options today after a full rest day yesterday that included two nights good sleep and plenty of nutrition. also took a 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon, which is something ive been trying to avoid in the effort to improve general stamina and energy levels. in the previous 4 days i had not napped once, which was definitely improvement from what i had been doing. im hoping to almost entirely eradicate naps from my everyday life.

workout options:

warm up (a) karate, (b) dynamic swings, (c) just start bodyweight exercises, or (d) some variation of all of the above(preferred for building stamina)

weights: (a) powerclean 125 again or maybe 135 but idk if i can clean 135 for that 3rd squat set as squats tend to take the power out of my powerclean(1) and squat(3 to 5??) for 3 sets, or (b) powerclean 135(1) plus hang cleans(2 or 3) for 3 sets(idk 10 lb is big jump but im hoping 3 sets).

more weights: (a) romanian deadlift variation 152(all my weight) x4x10, which is a full set increase, or (b) overhead press(its been a while idk how much to lift yet), or (c) weighted lunges bar in rack position(idk how much to lift here). or(d) overhead squats (unlikely but thrown in for good measure).

bodyweight: (a) pushups, (b) chin ups

lol i just imagined how wrecked i'd be if i did all of that in one day. i was temporarily tempted by the challenge but my senses got the better of me.

my plan to figure out which lifts to do today is basically see how some light squats feel after bodyweight warmup and go from there. its probably really important that i get on the squatwagon for at least a couple sets. i know i CAN front squat 135x5 in work boots, but i need to actually do it in sneakers to progress from here to the point where someday i can clean/squat all of my 152 lb for reps in boots or sneaks. i guess ive found a goal for myself.

i need to accept that im basically unable to get progress on both clean and front squat in one workout. squat volume kills the potential for clean volume. i was hoping that the rdl variation addition to the workout would bring some gains for my cleans, today may be an indicator of its effectiveness when i go for 135 powerclean.

im at the point where i have basically abandoned the hook grip for cleans. once you make that initial pull and rack a powerclean, the hook is gone. if i want to do hang cleans then there is no good way to reset the hook grip without putting down the bar. if i had a real bar i would just powerclean for volume, but my weights are 10 lb plates. the bar touches the laces on my sneakers when i address it for a pull. so powercleans become quite cumbersome with the extra distance that the bar must travel(effectively using more energy on a part of the pull that ive long since been adapted to already, as well as wasting time. this all adds up to miserable off the ground powerclean volume sets, which ive come to avoid by doing hang cleans.

so yeah fk the hook grip for now. if the time ever comes when i want to clean 152+ with a real bar and 45 lb plates setup? sure i'll probably want to have worked on my hook grip technique. for now im just yankin it with normal grip.

Leg swings, high stepovers , stretch hug stretch hug stretch hug. Longest back bridge of my life (must've been 30+ seconds if not 40) some bodyweight squats 2x5 then 2x10 then Saturday night fever squats 2x5.

In the driveway I cleaned and squatted 95, 105, 115, 125 a few times each with short rest.

Then Powerclean 135x3x1. Moderate rests.

Romanian Deadlift variation 152x5/5/10/10. Short rests.

Its 42 degrees outside here. Broke a sweat today first time in a while.

Not a good night sleep. 9pm to 4am. Tossed and turned a lot. Now I'm up early chugging coffee.

After workout weigh in yesterday before shower: 209.6 lbs. Probably stunted my weight gain with the recovery day bullshit ive been doing. Its fine I have about a month to gain more weight before I start walking golf courses.

Squats felt ok but I chose to go for Powerclean singles at 135 lbs. After all if I cant clean it then I cant squat it given my current set up.

Workout guy down the street with squat rack did his voluntary quarantine. Gotta get back in touch with him. Looking forward to some low bar squats and heavy Deadlift.

Not sure if I'm going for recovery day stuff today. Still too early to tell how my muscles have taken yesterday's workout. If anything my bum is tired. Likely due to stupid number of reps of Romanian Deadlift variation. Like I know its dumb but trying to cause adaptations and or maintain strength in ham glute and lower back with 152 lbs and a bar is proving to be difficult with normal rep numbers.

I'm pretty happy with back bridge stamina. Some of it is likely adaptations and some is just telling myself not to be a pussy. However the deciding factor here right now is arm strength.

Cleans felt good yesterday except for one rep banged off my left knee during 125 lbs set. After that I was focused on timing much better with bar brushing against my mid thigh for the 135 reps.

No upper body stuff yesterday cus I'm a wuss. Broke a sweat doing Romanian Deadlift variation and didnt feel like pushups because it was too warm inside the house. /excuses

Only slept from 9pm to 3am. Been up since. Didnt really want to lift today but here I am.

Powerclean and front squats(in sneakers) building to 135x5 squats. 2nd set Powerclean failed 2x. No power left after squats.

Pushups 10/20/20/10

After shower weigh in 212 lbs even.

Perhaps with better conditioning I'll be in a position to get decent volume in on squats and cleans in the same workout. Have yet to find a good balance.

Skipped Romanian Deadlift variation today because the light snow that fell during cleans and squats turned into much heavier snowfall.

Pushups were inside as usual. Havent really added any significant volume here(few weeks past I did 7x10) but ive reduced the number of sets that it takes me to get 60 reps down to 4 sets. Probably could have got 10 more but awww **** it.