After I wrote down the list of wants, I realized that person would be the opposite of my mother. That can't be a coincidence.

Finished reading 3% Man. The whole book boils down to: stop being needy. Neediness presents itself in many ways, some obvious, some more subtle. I definitely have a tendency to be needy with my friends, I'm going to be more conscious of it now. It's a very buddhist perspective imo. Letting go of neediness and unhealthy attachment style is a fundamental teaching.

How is neediness defined or is just a bunch of examples given?

I don't recall there being a specific definition in the book.

I would say the root of neediness is a fear of not being deserving of another person's love/attention/time.

Every few years I stay up all night one night, just to think, philosophize, assess my life, and dive deep into myself. Last night was one of those nights. There's something about sleep deprivation that allows me to go deeper into my mind and think on a level I can't normally.

I reflected on the progress I've made with my mental health and state of mind in daily life, and what path I should take to continue improving. Within the last few months, it's been slowly dawinging on me how neediness and unhealthy attachments have caused me a great deal of suffering, and even destroyed a friendship that I valued. I think I had a mild manic episode from about this time last year up until about xmas, it was full of neediness, horniness, obsessive thoughts/behaviors, and deep emotional pain bubbling to the surface. Maybe I read CCW's book at the perfect time. Neediness needs to GTFO of my life. It's not just a trait that turns women off, it's incredibly toxic for all areas of life.

I contemplated how I can't stand watching people do stuff anymore, like on tv or social media. The only tv/movies/yt vids I can watch now are documentaries or strictly informational type things, some cartoons, or something that's interesting in an artistic way. I can't watch sports, I can't watch other people just vlogging or posting **** about their life and being narcissistic. I can't watch other people do stuff while I do nothing. It makes me physically sick to my stomach. I saw this last night, perfect timing again:


5/2

db ohp 33x4x10
reverse crunch 4x22
lateral raise 18x4x9
front rasie 18x4x8
rear delt raise 13x4x10

5/3

db bench 38x4x8
chinup 4x8

Great post
You write well

5/4

db deadlift 38x2x6, 38x2x8
bentover row 53x4x9
back extension 2x8

5/5

knee hugs 1x54, 3x45
hip thrust single leg 53x3x10
bulgarian split squat 23x3x8

Good job!! Significant improvement

5/7

db ohp 38x4x5
chinup 4x10

5/10

db dl 38x3x12
db bench 38x3x12

5/11

bentover row 53x4x12
reverse crunch 4x25
bulgarian split squat 23x3x10

5/15

db ohp 38x2x6
chinup 2x10

5/18

knee hugs 4x45
db bench 38x3x12
db dl 38x2x12, 2x14

There's been a new pastry chef at the restaurant for 2 weeks. We did not get off to a good start. She's the type of beeyotch who thinks that slapping/kicking/jabbing/poking people 15x/day is an effective and professional style of communication. She's a tiny korean woman, and the way she talks is what I would describe as speed-mumbling. I can never understand a gaddamn word she says.

This is a tough spot for me, as no one ever taught me how to stand up for myself or express needs. In fact I was always taught that my needs are trivial and irrelevant.

Sunday morning I'm at work and she walks in. She greets me by smacking me on the ass with her knife bag. I drop what I'm doing and stare at her silently for a good 10-15 seconds. She looks confused at first, then a little frightened. She didn't speak to me or touch me for next 4 hours. I feel she got the point.

A friend from pastry school is opening a bakery soon. She wanted to hire me as head baker. I went there to check it out last week. It's a nice space. She said she wanted to open at 6am every day, and for me to be there at 3am. Which means I would have to sleep from like 5pm-1am, since it takes an hour to get there. I was like there's no ****ing way I could do that sorry. Kinda sucks cuz her sister is cute and is also gonna work at the bakery.

I texted this girl Mindy that I like who used to work at the restaurant and moved to silicon valley for a jerb. She sounded really depressed and homesick, hates all the soulless corporate wankers that live over there. She doesn't talk to anyone, just works and goes hiking with her dog. I tried to be helpful and encourage her to get a job she likes rather than suffer to try to satisfy other people's definition of success. I told her she should move back here so we can hang out. I don't know if I was being helpful or crossing a line into being condescending/selfish/needy. But I really like her and want to see her again.

Running buddy got a new jerb at Anthropologie, she said she'll be able to go running one day in about 2 weeks.

5/20

bentover row 53x4x12
bulgarian split squat 28x4x10
hammer curl 28x4x5

5/23

chinup 4x10
back extension 3x8
single leg dl 53x3x8

I feel you

I find listening to self-guided meditations like this to be a huge help in breaking free of the self-talk I learned growing up.

Remembering Your Worth

I appreciate the effort but that's not my style. Maybe it's the assburgers, but I can't listen to people trying super hard to be soothing and relaxing. I want people to say what they have to say in a normal voice and then let me relax and meditate on my own.

5/24

db ohp 38x4x7

5/25

db bench 38x2x12, 38x2x10

My cardio is so bad, I feel like it holds me back from lifting with more volume.

Today I ran 5k in 34:03, which is a PR by almost 2 minutes, despite not running at all since last august. I can't run continuosly for more than about 4 minutes, so I was alternating like 3-4min running and 1 min walking.

5/31

run 5k 33:12
db ohp 38x3x7, 38x1x5
rear delt raise 13x4x10
front raise 18x4x10
lateral raise 18x3x7, 18x1x5

6/1

knee hugs 2x45
db flys 23x4x15

6/2

chinup 3x10
tricep pushdown w/ bands 3x14

6/5

db bench 38x4x12
chinup 4x11
knee hugs 4x45

6/6

single leg dl 53x4x10
bulgarian split squat 28x4x12
single leg calf raise 28x4x12

Anthony Bourdain was the main topic of discussion in the kitchen yesterday. It made me reflect on the years I spent fantasizing about killing myself almost constantly every day. I understand very well the urge to just end it. It seems like it would be such a relief and everything and everyone you know would be better off.

Knowing very well what it feels like, I would never judge anyone or get on my moral high horse and declare someone "selfish" for committing suicide, as is common among people who don't know wtf they're talking about.

The power of the human brain to rationalize is highly underrated. Parents of young children who kill themselves most likely believe their children would be better off without them. You can point out how illogical this is until you're blue in the face, but you won't change the mind of a depressed person with logic.

The question then is how do you change a depressed person's mind? How do you get them to see life in anything but the most negative way? You don't, until they want to. Being happy is a skill. And just like any other skill, it requires some degree of desire to learn.

The one thought that made me hesitate to pull the trigger, figuratively and literally, was that I wanted to know what it felt like to not feel horrible every minute of every day. Maybe there was a way, maybe there was something I could do to make this existence suck less.

All those people I saw walking around every day as if they didn't want to die. What would that be like?

Well, now I know what it's like, and I'm grateful to myself for 4 years of doing nothing but putting in work to find a way to make life suck a little less every day. I've been training my mind like Dorian Yates training his body by locking himself in that ****ty little dungeon gym every day because nothing else matters but making gains.

Now I have the luxury of being able to shift more time and energy towards physical training.

6/8

db ohp 38x4x8
side plank 4x20sec
lateral raise 18x4x10
front raise 18x1x12, 18x3x14

6/9

db fly 28x4x12
reverse crunch 4x20

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZE

Good stuff krunic.

6/10

db incline bench 38x3x10, 38x1x9
bench dip 3x15
tricep pushdown w/ bands 4x15
db pullover 18x4x12

Well written, and good work! I've felt this way before and nowadays I'm trying to extrapolate the thought to "What's it like to be as happy as possible every day?"

I'm glad you're still here, krunic. Hang in there.