btw just had one of the girls i usually post/bitch about roll up on me as i was reading this thread

2nd time this week that's happened. i need to be more careful. the first time it happened it was another girl and i was actually in the process of writing a post about her when she popped up behind me "HI!!!" ive never alt+tabbed that fast in my life.

Option 3) OP lied about how he read the text to stop us jumping on him for snooping through her phone.

Combo specific/general question.

Seems a lot of posters here go out with girls in some kind of group social outing. How does that work? I've always done the one on one thing until the relationship was more established.

The reason I ask is, I just got back from my first date with this girl (Mentioned her previously, she's the friend I've liked for ages,she eventually said she liked me, leading me to break up a 4 month relationship with another girl that wasnt working).

This saturday, we are both going to a christmas ball/club night as part of a group of friends. We booked this quite a while ago. So,

1) How do I act around my other friends? Acting like normal with her would just seem odd, but it seems too early to be openly physical and/or act like we are going out. I'm trying to avoid any drama bombs or living out the relationship through the group. Being discrete sounds good, but will be kind of wierd.

2) How do I progress the relationship in this setting? Ideally I'd like to go home with her, but I definitely feel I need to take physical stuff further than the few minutes of kissing that we've done so far. This seems hard to do around friends. Not that I'm in a rush, but because we've been friends for so long, I feel I need to really kick start us out of the friend zone into the she desperately wants to have sex with me zone.

Date went good, and we get along really well, so I'm not too worried, but still would like to play this as perfectly as possible.

Update on how the break up went with the older gf plz.

Just a quick one.

So I played golf with a friend I hadn't seen in a while yesterday, but we have always been pretty good friends. Anyway he was telling me how he had his dad's 50th last Saturday and that there is a girl there who he thinks would be perfect for me etc etc, he showed me a pic and she seemed cute im like yeah sounds good, we joked about it as usual and the convo moved on. Anyway, I got a text later that night from a random number saying "so i hear you are a pretty good golfer" (my friend exaggerates a lot of things) I was alseep so I haven't written back yet.

Whats the play?

i question a girl who would do that first of all

the ex puts himself behind the sexual 8ball if he asks

lol, you're going out partying with your friends, one of whom you're hooking up with and you're wondering how you should act?

Don't be a ****ing weirdo. If you act different then usual it will be weird, she will notice, others will notice. be jimmy or whatever your name is, simple.

You're not dating. If Megan Fox shows up and is down to ****, what are you gonna do? Whats more likely is, she runs into Derek Jeter and he runs a one man train on her.

Have you thought about why she's a good friend and the qualities about her that make you think she'd be a good boyfriend? and the potential destruction of your relationship as a whole and your being cast out of your group of friends because they'd go cheryl on you and you'd be all larry david'd'd

who texts "so i hear you are a pretty good golfer"

very odd, exact text message please. thats importatn

the obvious response should be tiger woods related.

"yea im like the whiter tiger woods, rawrrrrrrrrr" woulda killed it

Disagree. I was set up by my best friend once, she was smart as hell, funny, sexy and liked to take the initiative.

Absolutely, make sure you bring race up as much as possible before you meet her, I'm sure she has no idea what color you are.

Whew lots of responses.

The problem of the situation is that she initially felt she did not do anything wrong, even though we know lying is inherently wrong in our society, because she is just meeting a friend and not cheating in any way. She wouldn't have to tell me about meeting up with an old friend, and in her mind that's exactly what he is to her. She is clear about the intent of the meeting, even though it might be murky to me and even the ex. This makes it hard to put any blame on her, because it throws it back on my court that if I really trusted her, I shouldn't be bothered at all.

Being lied to is why I am bothered, and not the meeting of the ex. But at this point am I only mad/upset I was lied to because I've been taught that being lied to is terrible, or is there a logical reason behind it? The logic that me not knowing + her having zero feelings for the ex indicates that maybe lying is the better play even if it is morally wrong. Of course this might all be rationalizing on my part so that I can get over and get on with it.

I've never met the ex, but from what she tells me he knows all about the fact that we're dating, and that we had a rough time at one point because we were long distance for a couple months. She told me he was still seriously into her, but "respects" that she's in a new relationship and he just wants the best for her. Personally I think he's of course faking the good guy role and is trying to throw a wrench whenever he can. But since I don't know the guy, it wouldn't be in good taste for me to make such accusations. I don't think he realizes the extant of our relationship, because it's only natural for her to complain to him/her friends when something is wrong with me, but of course won't go bubbling off about how much she loves me and how awesome I am (the majority of the time! ) out of respect for an ex who still feels for her and just not to seem so lovestruck in public. So I do think ex seriously thinks he has a chance, even though he doesn't, in my mind at least.

It's an annoying situation to say the least, and I'm confident I can keep her and she won't cheat, but I just don't know if I want to anymore. I loved her for what I knew her as, now she's who I knew her as but has the flaw of lying.

I didn't read too much into it, for all i know my friend walked off the golf course and told her to msg me, its all pretty tongue in cheek/fun at this stage, imo Very high chance i never meet this girl.

that was the exact msg? as i said, i assume my friend called her sometime after golf and told her to msg me?? idk

this is winning.

lol, we are in Australia so its probably assumed we are white.

____

Was just asking for a bit of fun and to spark some discussion. I guess it worked.

Not to hijack the discussion regarding godofgamblers' situation or anything but I wasn't really able to get this one random thought out of my head.

Generally I like girls who have are smart, think for themselves and are fun to be around (pretty ones obv, but I tend to take an interest in girls who don't stand out as much from a pure aesthetical POV as well, not ugly though). Then I started thinking what do these types of girls seek in a guy. I'm guessing something like a good GPA, funny, decent looking and friendly. My only problem is that although I am pretty smart I don't really let it shine through and often play the part of a joker. If me making a fool of myself is going to help loosen up tension or w/e I generally don't have a problem with that. Is this a bad move on my part in attracting the type of girls I'm interested in? Obv I don't care much if I'm just looking to get laid, but sometimes getting laid isn't everything.

fwiw, I don't have a very good sample size when it comes to LTRs. I tend to be picky about the girls I want to be seeing long-term. I guess this is an indication that 1) I don't have the qualities necessary for attracting the types of girls I like or 2) I'm just playing my cards wrong. Should I maybe change the way others perceive me? I dress well, have pretty decent looks and I'm smarter than most. I really have no clue what these girls want from a guy. I do have two minor setbacks as well, I have some degeneracy issues and I tend to cut class a lot. Working on improving both of those though and try to hush it down as much as possible. Maybe I'm putting waaaay too much thought into this but was just looking for some other opinions. Hopefully it doesn't seem too ridic. I apologize if this post is somewhat un-coordinated, sometimes have a hard time putting thoughts into words and English isn't my first language.

GL on your situation godofgamblers

Ok, i'm aware this post is going to sound a little afc, but i feel like it is a relatively non-standard situation and i'm not sure how to engage.

I "dated" (kids stuff) this girl in grades 6-8, and we parted ways on a good note when we both headed to different high schools. We continued to talk until about grade 10, where we started to drift and I think she got a boyfriend in grade 11, and they recently broke up over the summer (we are both in 3rd year university now). Me and her don't talk much, except the yearly "happy birthday" and the occasional "how are things going?". Haven't seen her face to face in about 4 years.

The thing is, I still really like her (or at least my memory of her), which sounds pretty rediculous i know. Looking at her fb wall, she doesn't seem to have a lot of guy friends, but she is very attractive.

Anyways, how should I approach this? I was going to send her a fb message saying "hey (name), i know you're studying for exams and stuff, but would you be up for grabbing a hot chocolate and hanging out sometime over the christmas break, just as friends? best, (name)" I mentioned this to my roommate, and he seemed to think this was pretty bad. He said I should start by just asking how school is going etc. and then sort of "work my way up" to asking her out. He felt that it was too out of nowhere, and would come off as being weird.

I'm not even sure if his method is good either, since it seems like a time drain and kind of boring. Also, obviously the plan would be to do more than just sit in starbucks, we'll find some fun stuff to do, but i figured I could leave this part out of the message.

So, what is the appropriate way to go about getting the "date"? Preferably before the Christmas break is over.

Couple personal views on a view of the conversations going on right now.

1. Re: going out with a girl you are hooking up with. Just play it like you would any other female friend. You'll be fine. It will feel natural and should not be awkward. Seriously not just posting this to thinly veiled brag, but I've been in a few situations recently where I'm out with group that has 4-5 girls and I've been with more than 1 of them. It really isn't awkward at all, at least for me. None of them ever speak or hint to it. Now if one of them gets drunk and starts spewing... then you have problems. I usually just run away if this starts happening.

2. Smart girls. Yeah, I've always said I wanted a really intelligent, intellectual girl. Most of the girls like this I meet are also half to full insane, though. Jury is still out if a rational one exists. The most devoted, fun girlfriends I've had have not been the high-end intellectual thinkers. I'm rethinking my desire of a super intelligent woman.

3. Girl showing initiative. I dunno, for some reason this has always bothered me. There's a girl recently doing that with me, and I'd normally be interested in her, but for whatever reason her initiative is giving me pause. It's not a male dominance thing or anything like that. I guess it's the whole "want to have what you can't" doctrine.

Edit: To follow up on #2: what I really find most about these girls is a lot of them are at least moderately depressed. They over think and over analyze everything. It's like taking the natural logical approach of a man and combining it with the raw emotions of a woman... disaster.

lol KVH laying the smackdown ITT

also I want to carry a question over someone asked in Student Life. Would like to get the opinion of henry, thremp, et al.:

Going on winter break soon. About 3-4 weeks away from school. I have a few situations brewing, and I'd like to be able to pick up where I left off when we get back in January. What's the best way to keep things "warm" over winter break? Seeing these people in person is out of the question. I'm thinking intermittent texting (sorry to say) is the best way to go about this? None of them have developed to the point where a phone call wouldn't be random and awkward.

i'm sure there are things wrong with my post, but i'm pretty sure saying "just as friends" isn't one of them. i'd say 95% of the times you ask a girl out, you should phrase it as 2 friends hanging out. You both know it's a date, even if you say it isn't. However, by calling it a date it increasing the formality of the event and often ends up being more tense and less "fun" for both parties.

I thought a while back you mentioned that you date almost exclusively christian girls. If that's the case, I could see how it would be very difficult to find a girl that is religious but also very intelligent, sane and rational. Religious beliefs are by nature irrational and somewhat insane. If the entire female population is fair game the intellectual type hast to be the most rational subset.

By this garbage logic I'm insane and irrational too, and I'm not, so no.

The whole general belief that Christians can't also be logical, intellectual and rational creatures sucks so much. You are judging an entire religion based on a vocal minority you see on TV. Think about all the great, religious philosophers: Kirkegaard, for example. I'm not getting into this argument now, but this doesn't solve my problem at all.

Definitely been in this situation before as the EX trying to innocently meet for lunch when i come to find out that the girl snuck off to meet me without her b/f approval, turned into a wtf kinda moment for me. She is a cheater/liar/manipulator though, FWIW.

Jebus, just because you ask a girl to do something with you definitely doesn't mean it's going to be less "fun" because you haven't expressed how it's only going as two friends. It's completely ******ed if you stop to think about it. If you act like you're on a date she might perceive it like that and thus creating tension. But if you don't act like a complete ****** it doesn't have to create tension or be "less fun". IMO, you are the one creating the tension when you overthink the situation. I'm not sure if I'm way off here because dating isn't quite as common in Norway as I guess it is in the US, so I'll let the EDF wizards explain this one.

I am the same in that I underrep my intelligence. To be honest I dont think its really a problem. If you are fun, most intelligent girls are going to give you a chance, and on that date you can make it clear that not only are you fun, you are also intelligent. It can almost be a positive IMO, in that they go into the date expecting a fun guy but with no expectations re intelligence etc, and then are pleasantly surprised when you turn out to be above average in that regard. Though i do wonder if you do need to rep it somehow just to get the chance. I think if you are just well dressed and can hold an intelligent conversation, it should be enough.

No offence but this is so bad. Kirk is bang on, this just as friends part is AWFUL. Not only are you going to make it more difficult to make it more than friends, as you will have to now convince her to be more than friends, but you are starting off the relationship by lying about your intentions.

There is no need to say 'hello member of the opposite sex, I would like to go on a date with the ultimate plan to have sexual intercourse with you'. Just say let's hang out, and roll from there. Once there, if the vibe is good, its a date, make a move. If you aren't feeling it, dont make a move (or do, but whatever haha).

Also, dont start off on the backfoot with the whole 'I know you are studying for exams blah blah'. I would just go with 'hey long time no see, you keen to grab coffe to break up the study routine' or something along those lines.

No, it's not. But if you're not already getting laid, and you're telling yourself this--you're most likely kidding yourself.

godofgamblers,

It's cool that you're keeping a cool head and trying to see other perspectives, including hers.

However, as a stand-up honest gentleman, you are well within your rights to be upset with dishonesty in your relationship.

IMHO, the lying IS the cheating.

To put it in perspective, I think it would be possible to have an "open relationship" with someone, where you have agreed that sleeping with other people is ok. In this case, sleeping with other people obviously isn't cheating, and would not be a violation of trust. If you told some flat-out lie, though, and the other person found out, there would be a violation of trust. I guess it probably wouldn't be called "cheating," but still, the violation of trust is what matters.

Stand strong. You did everything right in this case, and are handling your emotions well, despite having a reason to be upset. She ****ed up, and needs to understand that she ****ed up. Not in the sense that you are right and she is wrong, but simply in the sense that she lost a significant amount of your trust. She didn't lose that trust because of anything to do with her ex-boyfriend, or your emotions. She lost it because she ****ing straight-up lied to your face.