Thanks to wikipedia, that "huh" there has now been fully refuted.

"A paraprosdokian /pærəprɒsˈdoʊkiən/ is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists."

The day still needs a joke though.

Didnt see that one coming.

An old Lady goes to see her attorney about getting her will done. He says it will be $100. She has just been to the bank and hands over what she thinks is crispy $100. It's actually two , which brings up a moral dilemma for the attorney ...

After having sex a man was lying in bed with his girlfriend. She spent the next hour rubbing his balls. As he was enjoying it he turned to ask her, "Why do you like to rub my balls so much?"

She replied, "Sometimes I just really miss mine."

Love this thread

An old woman was in court accused of shoplifting some food. After she was found guilty, the judge asked her to confirm what she had stolen.

"Your honour, I stole a can of peaches as a treat for my husband".
"And how many peaches were in this can?"
"There were six your honour".
"In that case, I shall sentence you to six days in jail".

At this, her husband raised his hand.

"Sir, do you have something to say?" asked the judge.
"Yes, your honour. I would like to make a confession".
"Very well sir, say your piece".
"She also stole a can of peas".

Why is this funny?

The typical dilemma of whether or not to return the money to the woman who mistakenly gave it to him is not even a consideration.

Lol I didn't consider that either. What does that say about me?

Become an attorney.

I also think he's not her attorney - the partner is.

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, 'ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

BRILLIANT! Best explanation I've heard yet for Obama.

Politics forum is that way.

that is ****ing ******ed

can people forward olds' emails to LaL?

let me guess, you thought bush did a good job, right?

Dudes I hate to break it to you but 99.9999% of president jokes are generic (insert name of current president here) jokes because that's what people like to make fun of at the time.

That said, who the ** has ever seen a turtle on a post?

Edit: I guess this is a thing? http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post_turtle

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The ofenders had also drank all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only 5 beers!"

A lizard is walking through the forest when he passes a tree. Up on a branch on the tree is sat a monkey, lazing back and smoking a long, thick reefer. The monkey looks down, gestures to the lizard and drawls,

"Heyyyy, little lizzie. Try a little bit of this weed I got, man. Seriously strong ****. Here, take a hit for free."

The lizard decides to try, and climbs up and takes the joint between his little lizard fingers, and inhales deeply. His eyes roll back in their sockets, and he feel a wave of wellbeing flow over him.

"Ahhhh, man, that is good ****. It has made my mouth real dry, though, I gotta head down to the river to get something to drink."

"Okay, man", replies the monkey, "whenever you want some more let me know".

So the lizard stumbles down and makes his way to the river that runs through the forest and dips his head in the water. His head begins to spin, and he falls in the river. A passing crocodile notices the lizard struggling, and swims over and takes him in his mouth to rescue him. When he lays him on the riverbank he is surprised that the lizard is in a carefree mood.

"What you doing in the river playing in a silly mood like that? You could drown yourself!" says the crocodile.

"Ahhhh," says the lizard pointing from when he came, "there´s a monkey sat in a tree about 9 trees in that direction, sat on a branch, giving away the most amazing weed for free. You should go try."

So the crocodile makes his way where the lizard showed him, and sure enough, the monkey is still relaxing on his branch.

"Hey, monkey, you got any more of that strong weed?", asks the crocodile?

The monkey looks down, squints, and says, "Jesus, my friend, how much water did you DRINK?"

A woman goes to a shrink and tells him, "Doc, I got problems, I keep thinking there is someone under my bed who's gonna get me." The doc tells her if you come see me 4 times a month in about six months or so I will have you cured. She asks how much for each visit and he says $80 a session so she leaves. Around six months later she walks by the doctor on the street and he asks her how come she never came to visit him. She says, "For $80 a session and 4 times a week for six months, I kept the money for a down payment on a car. My bartender cured me for $10 anyway." The doctor snidely asked how a bartender can cure her for $10 and she replied, " He told me to cut the legs off my bed, ain"t nobody under there now!" It always pays to get a second opinion.

Kind of meh, but it's been a few days:

Man said to God: Why did you make women so beautiful?

God said to man: So that you will love them.

Man said to God: But why did you make them so dumb?

God said to man: So that they will love you.

After his divorce Mr. Lewis realized that poker isnt the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.