haha, awesome

Query:
You learn your parents are getting a divorce. You learn it is because your father has been boinking his secretary for the past three years, which he started doing because he doesn't like how your mother makes him do yard work and scoop the cat's litter box.

Fast forward a year and a half. Dad, who you begrudgingly and awkwardly still talk to every now and then on obligatory occasions (e.g., birthdays, around the holidays) is getting married to mistress. He wants you to be an usher or front table greeter person at his wedding to mistress. Do you? Do you even go to the wedding?

Sure, he's your father. At least attend.

Porter, not enough details to say. In general, yes, but can you say any more about why you begrudgingly speak to your father? Is it solely about his philandering, or are there greater issues at work?

I've never been in that situation, Porter.

I don't think anyone can really know the details of a marriage completely, except for the two married parties. It's natural for the children to feel sympathy for one side of the story or the other, but even if you live with them, you may not have the complete facts, (with the exception being cases of abuse.)

For that reason, you try to forgive, attend the wedding, and perform whatever duty asked of you.

Despite the break up, he is still your father, the only one that you will ever have.

It's not me, it's my wife, and it happened a while ago but came up in conversation over drinks where some folks we knew were shocked that we went to the wedding. Right after I posted I thought, "this is one of those scenarios where if I read it from someone else I'd think 'not enough details, and depends way too much on unspoken family dynamics'" (e.g., giving some money to family after winning the lotto).

Plus it's never really about the yardwork and the litter box, just like Oprah says.

This is true, but I do truly believe it was nothing more than him just being bored and flattered by a younger woman (who, and this is an honest, pretty objective opinion, is actually way less attractive than my wife's mom, not that it matters). Just divorce someone if that's the case. Don't **** around and lie about it for three years.

I'm in agreement with the last part. Don't cheat on someone. Tell them about it. See if you can have an open relationship. Don't go behind their back. Sooner or later you're going to start frequenting the same street corners, looking for cheap thrills and cheaper lays, anyway.

I think anyone can succumb to temptation once, or even twice. But making an ongoing affair of it is definitely a different order of things.

Yup. It's the depth of the act that I disagree with. I wouldn't condone philandering, but I agree that anyone is capable of succumbing to temptation. If it moves from an isolated incident to a planned affair, it's time to take a different approach.

Blarg, if a person succumbed to temptation once, or even twice, do you think they should tell their partner? Assume this is a long-term, committed relationship that has explicit boundaries preventing affairs.

im pretty surprised at the people saying "anyone can succumb to temptation"

would you guys break up with a long term partner over a single incident of cheating (however you define it)?

Yeah, I agree with this. One strike and you're out. That's not the way to treat people. Simple rules. If you're married, or even just living with someone, you don't have sex with other people, period.

kioshk, just because some people are out there living life to its fullest...you don't gotta be judging them. they're just siezing the day.

/sarcmarc

Absolutely not. I think this is guaranteed to hurt your partner and damage the relationship. I also believe that confessing as part of an "honesty is the best policy" is actually quite often simply an effort to get rid of the guilt you are carrying around.

To my mind, that doubles up on the wrongdoing. First you cheat, then you put your own feelings first by confessing under the extremely dubious nice-guy guise of "honesty."

Heck, if honesty was really that important to you, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. After you've cheated is not the time for honesty; the time for that is when you're deciding to cheat or not. After that, eat your guilt in silence, IMO. It's the least your partner deserves.

I realize someone may read this who did the opposite and feels hurt or angry to read a non-endorsement of his past (or incipient) behavior. I'm not trying to hurt such a person. But I was asked my opinion, so I gave it honestly. I think that's all I can reasonably be expected to do.

Hell no.

People are fallible, the best of them no less than the others.

I totally believe it. People cheat when they are bored with their life.

A single incident, no.

An affair, yes.

Thread idea I am too lazy to undertake.

Handwriting matching game. Each person submits a handwriting sample that they openly identify as their own. Then each person creates a handwriting sample in which they try to disguise their "style". Send it to the OP so only he/she knows whose is whose. OP posts all the disguised samples and we try to match them up.

I was watching a crime show and handwriting analysis looked fun.

I definitely see where you are coming from, but i disagree. In my opinion, when people enter into a relationship they make a deal, be honest and keep everyone on the same page. Fidelity is a huge part of that and I think continuing in a relationship while the other person doesn't know "the true you" is very unfair to that person. I think honesty in this case is the best policy, or at least end the relationship if you know that the other person would end it if they knew the truth. While we can never know for sure, I think most people would be happier if their partner were honest about their infidelities rather than keep them secret and live with the lie silently.

I take a hard line when it comes to cheating, and I coming to think I'm in the minority. This is probably partially due to being cheated on, but I have always felt that "a deal is a deal" is a very important part of being a good person...

what about two single incidents? what if they are spaced over a year or something like that?

I like the shaky side. Went to the Angels game yesterday, a day game. Sweated in the shade.

Last year I brought three hundred degree days to San Francisco and another week and a half of the same to L.A. Rick Nebiolo, with whom I'm staying, is now figuring in the "Satan factor" into the weather forecast.

Are you moving from whether you would dump someone over a single incident to whether you would tell someone about the incident? Because they are very different subjects. My "hell no" was regarding dumping someone for a single incident.

I would say the person DOES know the true you whether you cheat or not, in that everyone has the cheater inside and can be tempted. This should not strike anyone with a reasonable understanding as news, not even one's partner. The only question is whether that nature is acted upon or not. But the nature? The "true you"? That's the same you. It has always been there. Always will be.

The true you is just a fallible human being. Nobody ever gets past fallibility. Ever. You just try to deal with it. But it's nothing alien to anyone.

This strikes me as a very black and white and unrealistic viewpoint. Picture the different kind of people it would have to apply to equally, and see if it really does sound like a good or realistic fit to all of them. For example:

people who are only a little in love
people who are crazy about each other
people with children
people without good current job skills
people with children and without good current job skills
people in poor health

I have a feeling your answer would be a very bad one for many, if not most people. A mom with kids and poor current job skills should summarily dump her husband for a single wrongdoing? A man without the energy or desire to satisfy his wife sexually should dump the woman he loves just because for once she gives in to temptation?

I'm not sure I would rank a love very highly that couldn't survive infidelity.

I don't see any reasonable basis for that belief and find the opposite more likely to be correct. What people don't know CANNOT hurt them. What they do know CAN hurt them.

I again believe that telling your partner something that will make him or her feel awful just for the sake of clearing your conscience is compounding selfishness with even more selfishness and would turn someone from being merely a person who had a moment of weakness into an outright cad.

As well as a fool.

It is. And perfection is the best goal in all matters. But it being unobtainable in nearly every aspect of life is par for the course. How much more so, then, is it to be expected that such fallible and easily swayed creatures as human beings should be less than perfect?

High standards are good. But we have to go into any relationship or interaction with a mature awareness of the limits of people, IMO. Otherwise we'll relegate the rest of our lives to building resentments, having our minds blown, and stomping off in a huff. We have to accept imperfection if we want to be said to accept people at all. And if you can't even accept imperfection in the one you attest to loving the most, perhaps you don't really accept that person at all.

If my girlfriend cheated on me once by sleeping with Natalie Portman, I might be able to forgive her.