Let me say right off I don't believe in some strict abusive/non-abusive relationship dichotomy. When people live together, they abuse each other, one form or another.

But back on topic. You've got a live-in relationship, let's say 5+ years in length. You love this person. Then one night, your husband/wife/lover gets really mad and hits you while you're arguing. Open hand to the face, but substantial.

First evidence of physical violence. Time to leave? How do you respond to them the next day if you don't leave?

Have you ever struck a lover-person in the heat of an argument?

it unfortunately is a very sexist topic in that the gravity of the action is far worse if the male is hitting the female. That said, the relationship would have to be a long standing one in which you realize in that one moment, over a long period of time, something just went wrong for a second. If you love that person and have a fundamental understanding of their character, then you can accept that hit as an insane anomaly (hopefully). After all, it's just being hit, if you take a step back and remove some of the emotional implication from it. I guess you just wrap her up so she can't hit you again if she's trying and work it out. If it was a shorter relationship then she can gtfo.

And if you're a dude who hits a girl, then that's just ****ty. Can't offer you any advice = /

Usually physical abuse comes along way before then, so I would assume the incident was a heat of the moment mistake and I could get over it. If there were indication that it may happen again, I would leave. I could not be with someone who had so little control over themselves. Only been slapped once, she was extremely drunk and was doing it for effect (I did not deserve it in the least - I was sober and was playing 'babysitter'). It ended there (though that was not the only reason, just the final straw - and I waited until the next day, partly because I wanted her sober and partly because she slapped me on her birthday).

Nothing wrong with a little ass slapping but that's about it.

Violence in a relationship is never ok. In the situation in the OP, with 5+ years of non-violence, then I think that no, it shouldn't be relationship ending in and of itself. If the cause of the violence isn't immediately apparent, counseling is in order and perhaps a medical examination. There can be medical reasons for a sudden violent episode.

This is pretty rare ime. The only one that immediately comes to mind was a guy who, after 10 years of passively taking moderate but constant emotional abuse, smacked her with an open hand across the face. She left him on the spot.

Regular physically abusive relationships follow a predictable pattern. What is described in the OP is not normal. I'd have a lot of questions before arriving at a decision to leave.

Is this really true? Is human behavior ever predictable? This seems like another attempt to fit crazy wild stuff into the box of disease or dysfunction of some sort.

My father sometimes hit us children when we did something wrong. Corporal punishment was a legitimate means of education for a person of his generation.
And sometimes he hit us when he was really angry about something else.
But.
I have never seen him hit my mother, and I am positive that he never even for a second thought about hitting her, no matter how mad he was.

If a husband hits his wife, it's over. He will do it again.
BTW there is nothing wrong with getting back together after he completed some anger management training or other counselling, though.

If the wife slaps her husband, the question becomes extremely complicated. Subconsciously she knows that she cannot really harm him, so even though technically it is physical violence, it really isn't.

In a very general sense yes. Predicting specifically how it will manifest is more difficult in some people, but not in others.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

The criticisms of Walker's work were mostly directed at methodology and that the original work was sexist. The theory seems to hold empirically after 30+ years of testing and removing the obvious sexist issues. It does in fact hold across genders and in same gender relationships.

Am I reading this correctly in that you are saying all relationships where you live with someone involves some form of abuse?

I'm really exhausted so I'm likely misreading that.

This just doesn't happen unless something major has changed. People who hit will do so way before five years. For a non-abusive person to hit there has been a major life change. They either have developed a substance abuse issue or their life is falling apart causing stress they are unable to handle.

Hard to say as a guy but I think for a female the answer is yes.

No.

Yes, Henry honey. My contention is just as I stated: cohabitation necessarily involves mutual abuse. Come and get me.

I don't agree but I'm interested to know why you think that?

Also do you know live with someone?

Have you in the past?

Do you plan to ever again?

For one person to hit another, even in anger, is a significant sign that the hitter does not respect the hittee. Its basically a sign to my mind that there is no relationship worth working on.

Tell me about you, Henry. That's more interesting.

I agree with this, but I can see how this depends on your definition of "abuse." Everyone engages in what would be considered abusive behavior, as kioshk stated. A person is not "abusive" until they engage in a consistent pattern of behavior.

This bit reminded me of a tangent Glenn Beck went on a while back on KLIF about hitting Sharon Stone -- "Not punching her, just, y'know, open hand -- bam! Nothing serious."

Anyway.

My dad used to drink a good deal and smack his girlfriends around. Continued to drink while he was married to my mom, but never laid a hand on her. If he had at one point, she would -- correctly, I think-- take it to be an early indicator of a downward spiral and hit the trails. That's a different case from an otherwise peaceful having a two-person riot one night, then one going off the reservation and lashing out.

I find, after five peaceful years, and without a pattern of deteriorating conduct in the months prior, in a handful of extraordinary scenarios it could be put to rest and moved on from successfully.

While that is almost certainly true it is of no value to this topic since I hold the much more conventional view that people are not all abusive to one another.

Is this abuse both ways or does one individual abuse the other?

Can you define abuse?

I have physical violence and psychological behaviour designed specifically with the intent to hurt or undermine the other person's confidence / being.

Abuse: To hurt or injure by maltreatment.

And you believe that this happens in every relationship?

Yes. Do you disagree?

Of course. I find it hard to believe that people actually believe this.

I agree with Henry. Disagreement and heated debate != abuse.

Perhaps it is the word "abuse" that is the cause for our disagreement? I find it hard to believe that you would think you do not at some point hurt or injure the people you have relationships with, even if it is unintentional, despite your best efforts to treat them well, and occurs rarely.

That isn't abuse. Abuse requires either intent or a reckless disregard. At some point you will hurt people's feelings but that isn't anywhere close to something people would call abuse.

But one of the strongest reasons it is so hard to change an abuser's behavior is that he or she does not realize they are hurting the other person, so I disagree that intent has anything to do with the label.

For example, Lundy Bancroft describes in his book "Why Does He Do That?" a type of abuser called The Water Torturer.

Yesterday I got caught up doing my own stuff and ended up causing my bf and I to miss our plans. He was disappointed, and rightly so, and I apologized. Was that abusive behavior by me?

Before that the last disagreement we had was a time when he arrived home after a night out with his friends and I was pretty sure he was too drunk to have driven home and should have had me pick him up or called a taxi. When he sobered up he acknowledged I was right and apologized. I was a little pissed but more disappointed than anything else, and more to the point, he hasn't done it since.

Neither of these were abusive behavior by either of us. You can hurt someone or disappoint them or be insensitive and it in no way approaches abusive behavior.

Statements like "people always act abusively toward each other sometimes" sound like somebody who thinks he is insightful, but actually has chosen some very dysfunctional relationships.