oh, ok. i thought you were asking about those two examples. i would say that it's natural to be jealous and get worried about her doing stuff w/other guys, especially when you aren't in close proximity. however, it comes with the territory-- if you are with a girl who is attractive, smart, or w/e, then she is going to get attention from other guys. if you think she is great, someone else is going to think that too and i don't think there is any way around that. just need to trust that she wants to be w/you.

again this goes back to trust. you cannot expect her to have no male friends, or expect her to break contact w/any she had before she was with you. i'm not going to rejoice if a girl tells me she's going out to dinner w/an old friend, but it's not worth flipping out over. if you think she's blowing you off to go hang out w/other guys then that's a different story, but reconnecting w/old friends seems fairly standard to me.

Can someone tell me more about casual relationships. At school, I put in all the effort these days to see her.. and even that's hard. it's more like on her terms, she comes to see me when she has time. i guess i'm just admitting it now.. but what am i supposed to act like in a casual relationship. and do they ever escalate into something more later on?

1) Loungers aren't the older/experienced crowd; we're the sincere/somewhat sympathetic crowd...which is actually a rarer thing in an internet site. God help you posting something like this in BBV4L or OOT.

2) As to your question, what Blarg, Dom, and DaveT said is correct. If you like this girl, you need to man up and get off your ass.

SDrive you said you were in college, right? When I was in college, some of the girls were in school to get one thing...an MRS degree. Did you ever stop to think that your "girl" is shopping? You may be on her shopping list as well as all of the guy 'friends' she has. It's possible she's using you as a backup plan or to make one of them jealous. Never underestimate how conniving a woman can be.

FWIW, when I give my mother flowers she really likes them too, so don't put alot of stock into the fact that she liked her b'day flowers.

I've crashed on the couch of my then-gf's parents when I'd driven a long way to be w/ her and it was late. Wasn't a big deal at all. No sexytime, sure, but it's not like you get any sexytime by sitting at home and sending her flowers instead. I think you should have clearly made the decision to go visit her on at least one of the two days. You don't have much of a leg to stand on when it comes to criticizing her for going out w/ other guys on two significant days when you weren't willing to make the effort to be w/ her. Now, for you, I don't think things are quite as grim as if you'd still been in easy reach of her and yet she chose to go out w/ other guys twice. However, I'd betcha money that she resents you for not showing up for either her bday or NYE. Does she resent it enough that she's already looking for or has already found someone else? Maybe, but it's not certain. Either way, you blew it, duder. I'd be somewhat nervous about how things will go when she comes out to see you.

mr. wookie, she doesn't resent it at all that i didn't show up. maybe this might help a little.. she came to college with a boyfriend back home. but he was gone by the end of september and in comes me. so we're both relatively getting to know each other and trust me, she does not resent it at all that I ddin't come visit her.

this thread kind of got away from where I wanted it to go. it's focusing a lot on this current girl but what I really wanted to get at was how other guy's dealt with their girls and other guys.. assuming it's some random day in the year.

also, I posted it before but it kind of got lost in the shuffle, but casual relationships mean theres no feelings attached right?

This part may be the key to her actions.

I'm still skeptical. How did she prove this to you, or did you just take her word for it in one phone conversation?

Also, how we men deal with our women hanging with other men varies greatly w/ the details of the circumstances. Sometimes, we just say, "Have a good time, dear," and sometimes we say, "Have a good life, dear." Telling you how we'd respond in general is too broad, so we can only answer how we'd respond in your spot.

that convo was in like Nov. and it hasn't been brought up since. it would make sense if it was.. but it isn't the case here.

I also wonder if your taking your girl at her word about some things is really wise.

Yeah, if she told you something along the lines of, "It's no big deal. I'll have another birthday next year," you can be sure you were being fed a lie.

She hasn't forgotten!!! Women are like elephants.

Is she done with her rebound guy? I'm rootin for you anyhow.

I agree. And I hope you didn't get a "fine" response in there somewhere...

Tru dat. They have abilities to access gripes from beyond space and time that are beyond the ken of mortal man.

Well, I'm on record about this kind of stuff...but assuming you're NOT living three hours apart I don't think it's appropriate for a person (male or female) in a committed relationship to be going out in a on-on-one situation with someone of the opposite sex. Sure, we all have friends we can meet for lunch at a bar with a group of people...but dinner? Even if it's completely innocent I still don't think it's quite right. Why put yourself in that situation?

Now I know there will be others who disagree with me on this, but this is how I feel. If a girl can't handle those feeling she shouldn't date me!

Naturally, we will always have friends of the opposite sex we knew before our significant other. No problem with that, and like I said, the occasional lunch or beer is not a big deal. However, if she started going to lunch with someone NEW?

Again....HELL NO!

But the fact is you live three hours apart from another and you're both in college. I'm sorry, but this is doomed. Go after a girl at your school, for gods sake.

Casual is only good for you if you can handle it. I know that when I was your age there was no such thing as "casual" in my mind. If I went out with a girl and liked her, I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I think as I got older I could separate girls who are fun and cool and who I might just hook up with from the ones who have the real possibility of becoming serious. But again, that's me.

Maybe you're the same. Maybe not.

That's how I was. I grew up thinking that was how you were supposed to be. It took me a long time to figure anything out about how I actually felt and what I wanted.

What I'm bothered about is how you two are part of separate crowds.. also how you feel like you're putting all the effort into it.

These are two huge problems.

Listen, you guys can come from different crews but when it comes down to it, when you find someone you truly care for, and they truly care for you.. crews won't matter. You'll be able to go anywhere and enjoy most scenarios (with your friends or hers) just because you're there with her. Her crew will become accepting of you, and yours of her.
At this point it sounds like a relationship that is between you two and not likely to spread beyond that.

As far as you putting in all of the effort.. you could try telling her that?
The problem with that is, I feel like (from what you've said) she takes this relationship with you much more lightly then you are taking it.
When you start telling her that you feel like you're putting in all the effort and she's not doing much, you're likely to get led down the path to the truth..that this doesn't mean much to her and in all likely hood is just a little casual fling.

Hope this helps,
Alex

we go to the same school. but it's winter break right now. and i'm basically exactly where you guys said you were back then, i feel like if I like a girl and we're more than just friends with each other, I want her to be my girlfriend and I see a future with her.

i basically feel the same way. i'm not keen on having a hook up buddy or something like that, and idk that i ever will be.

...you'll be missing out on a lot of fun if you don't. Especially in college.
You guys sound just like me when I was your age.. I was all about being involved in this one relationship I had going. I thought it was going somewhere serious and things were going to be exciting and comfortable. I then got smacked in the fact when this fantasy world I had created, that she and I were in some large scale relationship, ended when she ended things.

Best thing that ever happened to me.

College is so sweet it's not even funny. Get some friends that are girls, get close with them, then start hooking up with them. The best part, as you will soon realize is that there is hardly any stress involved in these relationships. All you have to do is continue to be a good friend and not expect it all the time... (most of the time it will come when you're both sloshed and looking for someone to be close to while sleeping).

The thing is, and I know you've heard it a million times before..this is the time to do silly things and to see a multitude of women. It's definitely not a time to be tied down. It's time to get nasty with as many women(or men) as possible (safely I might add).

I don't know. I'm out of college now and in a long-term (potentially life-long) relationship. It's great now. I'm much more ready and capable of it now then I was as a freshman or junior in college.

Summary:
Life is too short. College is too short. Have fun while you can. Try not to get caught up in a whirlwind of depression because you're caught on one girl who doesn't seem to be caught up on you.

Hallelujah Holla back?

Alex

(sorry for the preaching seminar)

i'm finished w/college and i don't think i missed out on anything. i'm not saying i feel a strong need to become seriously involved, but by and large i'm not down for sporadic drunken hookups either. i don't think it has to be a scenario where "i'll call you when i'm hammered" for it to be casual.


it was. i did. i don't think it has to be rooted in drunken sexy time to be casual.

purely a matter of personal preference. i had/have no desire to be w/a multitude of women; i've never had a particularly powerful sex drive.

I have had a few **** buddies. We seldom had sex while drunk.

All you say and do, will be used against you, at the apropiate time.

Agree with this 100% and i have yet to meet a woman, who would be ok with it, the other way around.
Friends for many years, we have never hooked up with, are ok to see from time to time 1 on 1, but almost never new relations.