Taxis.

Taxis are awesome. Don't quit drinking, just quit driving. Better plan.

Thanks for not killing me when you drove drunk! Where in MN? Which county jail are you going to?

There is seriously nothing wrong with drinking and driving. Do people get killed? yes. The also get killed by people driving and talking on cellphones (but we are good with that) and people driving while sleepy (but we are good with that) and by people driving and beating their kids (but we are good with that).

OP - your reputation is tarnished.
you should take your criminal ways and seek solace with those of your kind.

sup!

jail in MN is like a gulag (so i've read).
poker for commissary and desserts! you'll be balla!

hope you don't get preg easily (or the herp)

dont take a crap during your time, that'll teach them!

It honestly is not that bad. No one is going to rape you. The worst part is the first few hours where if you just give off the wrong vibe you might get into a fight as a way to bump you. After that just keep your head down, stay out of other people's way, and shut the **** up.

Don't complain about being there. You are there for less than a month and whining about it will piss off people who are there for longer.

To shank: it's a verb

I did

Ageed

TwinCities baby!ramsey

I know nobody is gonna rape me. Have you been in jail?

FYP

Yes. Not for anything criminal but I did a month at OCDC which is a provincial jail in Canada a while back. It sucked in that it was boring as **** but I actually did very well for myself. I played a lot of chess and read magazines.

I ask OP cause my little bro just got his second. I really dont wanna see him go to jail for any amount of time. His situation is a little tricky in that he was at a house party and was past out outside of his car with his keys in his pocket and his car was not running. The house party got broken up and the cops found him past out laying next to his driver door. The car was not running or nothing. He blew a .23 and was arrested for 2nd degree DUI. How they could do this is beyond me and his lawyer said that this was a defense attorneys dream. He had no intention of driving until he woke up obv. They tried to seize his car and they took his license plates and everything. Except the lawyer already got his car back and actually today he went and got his license plates back as well. He is 24 btw so no underage problems.

Alright, serious reply

- You won't get raped and you won't get into a fight. 99.9% of jail fights are caused by the TV and food. Usually the youngin's want to watch MTV, police chase shows (not sure why, you'd think they'd be sick of sirens at this point), stuff with a lot of action. The older crowd will want to watch the opposite. As for food, as long as you don't steal you'll be fine. I'll also include gambling in here because usually bets are made in food and if you lose you have to pay up. So if you choose to gamble, be prepared for the that as well as the people who cry like bitches when they lose their dinner cookies. As tempting as it may be, don't egg them on.

- Sleep 12 hours/day. If a meal falls during that time, get up, eat, go back to sleep.

Side note: You're going to want ear plugs, but they won't let you have them so you have to be resourceful. Take a small balled up piece of TP and rip some plastic off of the industrial strength garbage bags they'll have in there. Wrap the TP in the plastic,twist, and tie it. They are probably considered contraband but they will just take them away, and you can keep making them because the supplies are endless.

- People in jail are usually the nicer versions of themselves. This is because they don't have the intoxicants that turn them into their evil alter egos on the outside. I said to one of my cellies once, jokingly, "Man, it'd be nice if they rolled a keg in here." His response: "Why would you want that? With a bunch of snaky drunks like us we'd kill each other".

- They'll probably monitor you for 24 hours before they permanently place you. As long as it's clear you don't have any mental disorders and can maintain composure, they should put you in a place with more stable, like-minded people. These 24 hours are not the time to kick walls and scream.

- Don't suck up to the guards. You're already in, and they're not going to do you any favors. They will be nice to you though, nicer than you'd expect, that is if you're respectful.

- Write all your friends and family. I know its 17 days but it will pass a lot of time, and you'll quickly find the highlight of your day will be reading whatever mail you get.

- Have someone send you new books via a bookstore. That's the only way they'll allow books in. The jail library is ****, for reasons already mentioned ITT.

- Order like 6 or 7 bags of chips off the canteen every week. At least one meal a week will be inedible, but it's the only meal you'll get. That being said you should still take your meal and offer it first come first serve. People will be pissed if you don't get a tray. Do this discreetly as sharing food is usually against the rules, but not that strictly enforced.

- Instant coffee tastes like **** but the caffiene jolt is well worth whatever ridiculous price they ask for it.

- I'm sure all jails are different, but the one I was at sort of had an unspoken rule about not being in the bathroom when someone is showering.

- If you're lucky enough to get put in a dorm type room, walk at least an hour a day. Do as many pushups/situps as you can. I went in pretty unmuscular and came out ripped. It's all gone to **** since, but maybe you'll have more self control.

- Be yourself. Don't lie. You'll lose all credibility if it becomes apparant that you are a BSer. Like this one guy kept talking about how he used to be in the Hell's Angels and how they used to ride into casinos on their bikes and rob the places blind. Riiiiiiight.

- Fapping: this one's tricky. I mean the shower's the obvious place (btw, make sure to buy/wear shower sandals), but if you can't do it there you have to be pretty discreet. Basically you have to get yourself out without making a lot of rapid repetitive movements. If you don't think that's possible, it's probably not worth the trouble.


tl;dr I know

This probably needs to be stickied somewhere

1 sue lawyer
2 go in as stinky/unattractive as poss to reduce chance of anal rape
3 it is less than a month, jesus grow a pair
4 take each day, day by day
5 tr when out

Genius.

Yeah that knives out post says it all. Try to stick to yourself, don't get into any debt with anyone and you'll be fine.

To the guys telling you to go in as stinkey as possible, This isnt a good idea especaily if you are going to have a cellmate. You will be forced to shower by the other inmates. You might want to consider tucking some tobacbo. You will make a lot of friends with that. I know this from doing a couple short county bids when i was a kid.

I wouldn't even mess with trying to sneak anything in. They're going to strip search you. They're going to make you run your hands through your hair, check your mouth, ears, armpits. Lift the coin purse and spread the cheeks. They'll check all of your clothes too, even the insides of your socks and underwear. If you get caught you'll be in there much longer than 17 days. And having a commodity that will make you popular is not at all neccessary to having a ********-free stay.

One other thing I forgot to mention -- don't play anyone in chess for food/money unless you are very good. Bubba might not know how to keep himself out of jail, but you can be damn sure he's spent a lot of time playing chess, and making easy food/money off knobs like you that think "this guy can barely read, can he really be that good at chess?" Yes he can.

Oh and consider yourself lucky. I got 120 days (90 served) for my 2nd DUI. Although getting a DUI is generally a bad idea, it's an especially bad idea to get one in a county where the judge's daughter was killed by a drunk driver.

So much for justice being blind. Maybe black people are right.

Grunching Watch Big Stan to prepare for jail.

I thought I had the worst judge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=padvnsLUhUM