My Adventure with Crazy Mike
12-13-2007
, 03:38 PM
I finally made it. I stepped off the bus into the cool San Diego air. I was here; finally I would meet Crazy Mike face to face and finally, would learn the secrets of heads up limit holdem from the master. He knew I was coming but didn’t know exactly when. I decided I would surprise him. This was a bad idea.
After several minutes of walking I arrived at the address. I gave a slight knock, then paused and gave a louder one. I waited quite some time, and had almost decided I was at the wrong place when the door quickly opened, and I was pulled inside.
Crazy Mike was wearing what looked like a modified army commando suit, and
searching me all over, patting me down.
“Did you come alone, as we agreed?” he asked.
“Yes, Mike, I came alone.”
“Then you wouldn’t mind if I did THIS!” he exclaimed, and brought out of his pocket a gigantic magnet, bigger than I had ever seen before. He frenziedly waved up and down the front and back of my body. “Humph,” he finally said, after several minutes of this, with me standing there befuddled. “I guess you ARE clean. Well then, please, follow me.”
I finally got a chance to look around the place. I was standing in what seemed to be the living room, and the first thing I noticed was the flags. There were American flags of all different shapes and sizes, draped over the windows, the couch, the TV, even a little one on the footrest.
The next thing that struck my eye was in the next room, the one Crazy Mike was leading me into. It seemed to be the office, and a giant portrait of George W. Bush was hanging on the wall behind the computer. Below it was a small incense tray, and several burned down sticks. The desk that the computer lay on was covered, and I mean literally covered, in empty Pepsi cans. Some of them were stacked towers rising high into the air.
Crazy Mike reached back to a fridge and cracked open a fresh Pepsi. “What I am going to show you next may shock you,” were the words from Crazy Mikes mouth, “but after you see this, you will see that I am indeed not crazy, and all my theories were true.” He bobbed up and down as he spoke, and was constantly moving, never sitting still for a second. He then opened up an online poker table, and you could see two players going at it. “I’ve learned to do it mostly myself,” he continued, “but there is no substitute for my tools. See, the pauses between action here indicate that this player, “and he pointed to the screen at a monkey avatar, “is using a bot. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself.” He then procured one of those drinking birds, the kind that was featured so cleverly in the Simpsons episode where it did Homer’s job. “You see, if the player acts the INSTANT the bird bobs, that is CLEAR evidence of a bot being used.”
“I…see,” I replied, trying not to sound too unimpressed. “But what about the other player—“
I was interrupted by a loud “YELP!” from Crazy Mike. “I got action!” he exclaimed. Indeed it was true, for a player had sat down on his personal full tilt poker table, ready to play. “God, I’ve wanted to play this guy for so long,” he yelled excitedly. “Finally!” I watched the computer screen as ‘shipthepeps’ sat down at the complainers table, and complainer excitedly posted his small blind. The other player paused, as if debating his decision to sit down. His time finally ran out without him posting the big blind. Complainer said nothing. ‘Shipthepeps’ then apparently returned, and sat back in. Complainer had auto post on by this time, so his small blind was in there. There was then a pause from ‘shipthepeps’ and he again timed out on posting his big blind. Complainer waited patiently. I said nothing. Then the other player sat back in again, and also made his doggie avatar make a smiley face. He again timed out on posting his blind, then made his doggie make an angry face. Then a confused face. Then, finally, he stood up from the table, and complainers Geico Lizard avatar was staring across the table at an empty seat.
Crazy Mike’s face twitched, he chugged the can of Pepsi, crunched it on his forehead, and screamed “HIT N RUN!!!!! HIT N RUN HIT N RUN HIT N RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”
I backed away from him, uncertain of what would happen next. He didn’t seem to know I existed, but then he looked at me, twitched again, and looked at me quizzically. I finally got the courage to say something, “Mike, he didn’t even…uh…play.”
Crazy Mike muttered something to himself that sounded like “Mitten nun” and then stared directly at me. “LIVE FREEZEOUT, RIGHT NOW. AS MANY TABLES AS YOU CAN HANDLE.”
With a sweeping motion he wiped several hundred empty cans of Pepsi off his desk. He then approached me swiftly and reached in my back pocket, taking out my wallet. Inside were two crumpled 20s and some singles.
“Alright, lets DO THIS! 46$ live freezeout, are you READY FOR THE PAIN.”
“Uhh, sure Mike, let me just…grab something, I left in your living room,” I stammered. Then I turned and ran.
After several minutes of walking I arrived at the address. I gave a slight knock, then paused and gave a louder one. I waited quite some time, and had almost decided I was at the wrong place when the door quickly opened, and I was pulled inside.
Crazy Mike was wearing what looked like a modified army commando suit, and
searching me all over, patting me down.
“Did you come alone, as we agreed?” he asked.
“Yes, Mike, I came alone.”
“Then you wouldn’t mind if I did THIS!” he exclaimed, and brought out of his pocket a gigantic magnet, bigger than I had ever seen before. He frenziedly waved up and down the front and back of my body. “Humph,” he finally said, after several minutes of this, with me standing there befuddled. “I guess you ARE clean. Well then, please, follow me.”
I finally got a chance to look around the place. I was standing in what seemed to be the living room, and the first thing I noticed was the flags. There were American flags of all different shapes and sizes, draped over the windows, the couch, the TV, even a little one on the footrest.
The next thing that struck my eye was in the next room, the one Crazy Mike was leading me into. It seemed to be the office, and a giant portrait of George W. Bush was hanging on the wall behind the computer. Below it was a small incense tray, and several burned down sticks. The desk that the computer lay on was covered, and I mean literally covered, in empty Pepsi cans. Some of them were stacked towers rising high into the air.
Crazy Mike reached back to a fridge and cracked open a fresh Pepsi. “What I am going to show you next may shock you,” were the words from Crazy Mikes mouth, “but after you see this, you will see that I am indeed not crazy, and all my theories were true.” He bobbed up and down as he spoke, and was constantly moving, never sitting still for a second. He then opened up an online poker table, and you could see two players going at it. “I’ve learned to do it mostly myself,” he continued, “but there is no substitute for my tools. See, the pauses between action here indicate that this player, “and he pointed to the screen at a monkey avatar, “is using a bot. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself.” He then procured one of those drinking birds, the kind that was featured so cleverly in the Simpsons episode where it did Homer’s job. “You see, if the player acts the INSTANT the bird bobs, that is CLEAR evidence of a bot being used.”
“I…see,” I replied, trying not to sound too unimpressed. “But what about the other player—“
I was interrupted by a loud “YELP!” from Crazy Mike. “I got action!” he exclaimed. Indeed it was true, for a player had sat down on his personal full tilt poker table, ready to play. “God, I’ve wanted to play this guy for so long,” he yelled excitedly. “Finally!” I watched the computer screen as ‘shipthepeps’ sat down at the complainers table, and complainer excitedly posted his small blind. The other player paused, as if debating his decision to sit down. His time finally ran out without him posting the big blind. Complainer said nothing. ‘Shipthepeps’ then apparently returned, and sat back in. Complainer had auto post on by this time, so his small blind was in there. There was then a pause from ‘shipthepeps’ and he again timed out on posting his big blind. Complainer waited patiently. I said nothing. Then the other player sat back in again, and also made his doggie avatar make a smiley face. He again timed out on posting his blind, then made his doggie make an angry face. Then a confused face. Then, finally, he stood up from the table, and complainers Geico Lizard avatar was staring across the table at an empty seat.
Crazy Mike’s face twitched, he chugged the can of Pepsi, crunched it on his forehead, and screamed “HIT N RUN!!!!! HIT N RUN HIT N RUN HIT N RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”
I backed away from him, uncertain of what would happen next. He didn’t seem to know I existed, but then he looked at me, twitched again, and looked at me quizzically. I finally got the courage to say something, “Mike, he didn’t even…uh…play.”
Crazy Mike muttered something to himself that sounded like “Mitten nun” and then stared directly at me. “LIVE FREEZEOUT, RIGHT NOW. AS MANY TABLES AS YOU CAN HANDLE.”
With a sweeping motion he wiped several hundred empty cans of Pepsi off his desk. He then approached me swiftly and reached in my back pocket, taking out my wallet. Inside were two crumpled 20s and some singles.
“Alright, lets DO THIS! 46$ live freezeout, are you READY FOR THE PAIN.”
“Uhh, sure Mike, let me just…grab something, I left in your living room,” I stammered. Then I turned and ran.
12-13-2007
, 03:42 PM
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, 04:19 PM
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, 06:37 PM
12-13-2007
, 09:30 PM
