this is the best thread yet, its like watching a train wreck, why are humans so facinated with the misery of others, we all want more debouchery, lose more, turn to gay sex for money MORE MORE MORE were fing sick people

Fyp

any pics of the hotel furniture?

No unfortunately. My priority at the time was to retrieve everything and reduce the severity of the situation. When I walked back into the lobby carrying the chair the guy behind the counter became alert and I blurted out something about an unwelcomed guest throwing these things out the window and causing mayhem, which in a way is true. I doubt he believed me. I'm embarassed as ****, and normally would be drunk enough to endure it, but I'm ****ing sick of drinking, and I really hate what I become when I blackout. Looks like my friend gets the remaining horde of liquor, AND I might actually remember seeing the bands this time.

I don't think you should post anywhere on 2p2 for a while. As long as you do, there will be people egging you on to continue being an addicted degen, it will let you think about poker more, and you've already shown that having the support of 2p2ers and a place to write down your goals doesn't change the way you make decisions. Obv that doesn't mean you should never come back here, just while you're in the most difficult stages of shaking your addiction imo

Let the professionals help you. Can you give an update on GA, are you still going?

BTW you're Australian right? If you're ever in Canberra (I know, lol @ Canberra) shoot me a PM. Would be awesome to meet you IRL, drinks are on me etc. Also same applies for Sydney I'm up there a fair bit and will move there next year to live.

GL!

edit: I feel like I sound too strict and boring in my posts, but it's only because I believe that's what is best for you to hear

First off I want to say that I read this ENTIRE thread start to finish over the course of the last day and a half and wow, what a ride it has been. I just want to say off the bat that I think your a brave soul putting your trials and tribulations in this forum for all to see/criticize and that I respect you for your courage and honesty. I also want to preface my following thoughts and questions, (its a very long post and I've broken it down to first part my thoughts and second part my current questions), by saying that you clearly are an intelligent human being who has acknowledged through written word many of your issues regardless of whether or not you were able to physically solve them in real life. Our biggest flaws don't go away easily, nor quickly, and it seems to me that you are finally reaching a fork in the road where you have realized the magnitude of your bigger issues, and are subsequently taking steps, however small and slow, towards a path to redemption. For that I also commend you. On to your current dilemma.

My Thoughts On Situation


You have been here before. It seems to me the main instigators behind you finding yourself in these precarious situations is solely because of the following two things: financial management (bankroll and life-roll), and an addictive personality.


It seems that when things are going well for you financially you retain some level of feeling invincible, and you either take shots you shouldn't be taking or you simply lack the discipline to grind and build, slowly and consistently. I'm not talking about just grinding at the poker tables either, it applies to school and work as well. "Grinding", in its inherent nature, isn't always a fun activity, regardless of whether your grinding at a ****ty job you hate or grinding something you love like poker. It is simply a stable means to an end, and its this stability in your finances and in your life that seems to be elusive.


Likewise, when things are going bad your addictive personality kicks in as well and again you take shots you should not take or lack the discipline to cut your losses and rebuild, however slow and painful it may be to do so. You have obviously noticed that by lacking said discipline in hopes of quick and easy redemption that your problems are only compounded, which subsequently leads you right back to square 1 and even more tilted, frustrated, and sometimes more alcohol abusive than ever before.


IMO, your issues with torching money in the pits playing BJ or Roulette or whatever can be fixed by adjusting your mentality and the stigma/connotations of these games. Just like the morning after we have drank ourselves nearly into the hospital, and we awake to our stomachs wanting to implode, and just a single look at a bottle of vodka or alcohol makes us sick to the point of vomiting solely from the sight of it, you can train yourself to react similarly to house games. Whenever you find yourself about to put money on the felt of a blackjack table or handing bills to staff at a roulette table you need to conjure up all the absolutely gross and disgusting sensations you had after losing everything to these games. Think hard about all the **** people are giving you on this forum about being a degen, think about how gross it was walking outside to smoke a cig after getting raped for all your hard earned money by these scum games, think about everything you put your body and mind through for said money. If you can train your brain to associate these dark times to the table games then the stigma and connotations that they emit may just keep you from ever playing them again.

As for my opinion on what to do now, its a tough one to say. It's very difficult for me to advocate you going back to the poker tables to rebuild some sort of small roll to help financially tide you over during this very rough period, but given how limited your options are, how soft your local live 1/2 game seems to be, and given how deep in the hole you are its almost worth the shot. What other means of making money do you have at this point? Anyway, these are some of my thoughts being fresh off reading your whole epic journey and this leads me to a few quick questions I have on where you stand now:


Questions


(A) What is your life-roll at? What immediate expenses do you have that must be paid?

(B) What is your ability to find a job and hold it at the moment given your physical disability and life circumstances?

(C) When are you scheduled to do the 3-day experiment for $900? Have you already done it? If so, did you gamble with that money as well?

(D) Is there anything you can think of off the top of your head that will permanently restrict you from repeating this vicious cycle ever again? Is it simply permanently banning yourself from online poker and never venturing out to the casinos again?


Ultimately OP I wish you the best of luck in life. All the sadistic people finding pleasure in your misery are standard for the human race and pay them no mind. In spite of all your misfortune, bad choices, and repeated mistakes your still a relatively young man with an ability to veer off this road and onto a new one. All that "once a degen always a degen" bull**** is false and is only true for those without enough will power to keep trying for change regardless of how often they fail to achieve it. To quote one of my favorite movies of all time, Vanilla Sky, "every minute is another chance to turn it all around". Don't ever forget that sir and good luck in all your endeavors.

-DoubleR90

^It's not even close, he cannot continue to play poker and have money. At least in the forseeable future. Some of what you said is true, but he cannot keep himself from the blackjack tables, or taking shots, just by changing his mentality.

We all saw how he posted there was NO WAY he was losing the 8k, because he'd learnt so much from the experience and owed too much to 2p2ers to go broke. I really believe that he did not think he was going to go broke. I'm not sure if you read his other thread, but he lost all his money. He has $70 in the bank and $500 in fines (only really read the OP). I think he still has his bike and car though.

I know you mean well, but I really do feel that every post which recommends him to keep playing, or says he can probably get it under control and keep playing poker is damaging him because it's not the case. For most losing players it is, for a compulsive gambler it is not.

NWB can you ban yourself from casinos in your area? I'd imagine it's possible to get yourself blacklisted or something, and if you can do that I'd also recommend what someone suggested, signing up to any poker room you can find and banning yourself for 6 months. Also any online casinos you can find too...

Dude his alcoholism is as big if not bigger problem than his gambling. Bigger imo.

Oh really? Heh, I thought for some reason his alcoholism faded away once he got his teeth into gambling and his only damaging alcoholic experience lately was the latest roulette session. Either way, meeting people isn't as much fun without a few beers, and I'm sure it'd be better for me to shout drinks than take him to the casino and give him some blackjack money haha. Whatever though, if not alcohol, then joints are on me

I think his hotel room would take exception.

edit: Still rooting for you, NWB. I hate to see people ruin their lives and be unhappy. Do you have any non-degen friends or loved ones nearby?

nothing u can really say but LoL

I haven't posted in this thread for some time. Despite that, I feel that the post I made 2 months ago is as valid now as it was before NWB began playing live and indulging in pit games.

The only difference now is that the mentality that led to crippling losses playing online has now reared its ugly head in a B&M casino.

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sh...postcount=1107

SmokeyJ, I'm pleased that at least someone agrees with me that the only way NWB can get his life back on track is by distancing himself from any influence that may draw him back to gambling/playing poker and this includes 2+2.

Neverwasbeen,

I am genuinely sorry for you that financially, you are back to square one. On the bright side, its great news that you seem to be coming to terms with the scale of your problem and attending GA meetings should help counter the thousand 2+2 devils sitting on your shoulder.

I will admit that I am not fully convinced that your roll was lost playing roulette. I have my suspicions that you took some shots at higher limits or maybe even just stayed at your usual live limits and ran badly. Your reluctance to post in this thread after these losses backs up my suspicions. After all, for anyone who plays poker, being told that you play badly is rather like being told you aren't good in bed...and who wants to discuss that on an internet forum?

I feel that it is more than likely that during your (very) small sample of live hands you saw the best and worst of variance (in your experience). You were shouting it from the rooftops when you were running good, no doubt feeling that you had discovered a secret that had eluded other players. I'm willing to bet that at some point you calculated what your yearly income through poker was and possibly how soon you could retire. Then when you inevitably ran bad (or tilted) and the reality of your expected winrate sunk in, coupled with the embarrassment of overestimating your ability, you went quiet.

I'm not saying this to ridicule you. I'm merely pre-empting the posters who will eagerly encourage you that "poker isn't your problem, pit games are your problem". The fact is, that if a loss of just $500 was enough to send you into suicidal tilt mode. Poker is definitely a problem for you.

Whatever the truth is...it doesn't really matter how you lost it. If you really did lose it playing roulette do you really think the end result would have been any different if you'd tried to "get even" again playing poker? You were so desperate to get back to a nice, neat $5000 that you gambled $4500 chasing $500. Is that the mentality of a winning poker player? Is that the mindset of a player who consistently makes +EV decisions hour after hour, day after day with little consideration of actual short-term results?

However you lost the money, roulette or poker, either way would support the point I made in a previous post....

You have proven yourself to be incapable of mastering perhaps the most important quality any poker player can possess...emotional control. No amount of technical ability will ever overcome that flaw.

For the sake of your financial and mental health, keep up the GA meetings, try to put the playing poker/gambling aspect of your life behind you completely. Never try to chase the losses you have run up. It really makes no difference whether you had that money in your hands five minutes ago or whether that money never existed in the first place. Just consider yourself already even.

Read about Caro's Threshold of Misery and understand how it relates to your life in general and not just gambling. In short, you have passed the threshold of misery. You now feel as if the little things in your life no longer matter as they are dwarfed by the pain of your recent losses. But those little things do matter and they will matter again in future. In time, you'll be grateful to yourself that you made good decisions in life outside of poker despite the pain you feel at the moment.

A few posters have mentioned that they feel you may be suffering from depression and they may well be right. But if this is the case, mulling over the things you feel have gone wrong with your life and focussing on negative aspects of it isn't going to help matters and will only fuel your quest for immediate gratification. Try looking at all the things that are great in your life right now...

Financially, yes you don't have any cash at the moment. You are, as I said, back to square one. But correct me if I'm wrong about this, you don't have any debt($500 worth of fines doesn't count). If this is the case, that's ****ing amazing! Forget about being "even", you are already way, way ahead of millions of your peers. You have a clean slate, an unblemished credit history (I presume), you have way more financial freedom than you realise. Starting your own business isn't some pipe dream, you really could do it. Accepting that you aren't going to become rich playing poker does not mean accepting that you aren't going to become rich.

Health. You say you have a bad back and that seems to be pretty much it in terms of health complaints. I don't mean to belittle this problem and I'm sure it causes you a great deal of pain but its all relative. Let's face it, your back does not stop you from walking or even riding your bike. You've never once mentioned having to stop playing live midway through a session due to back pain. So, as far as I can tell, the only thing that your back problem prohibits is heavy lifting/manual labour. Few people get rich from manual labour so this is probably a plus point in terms of future finances as you're going to have to focus on a different and more likely rewarding source of income.
All things considered, you are a healthy young man. You have full use of all your limbs and all of your senses. Of all the terrible diseases and deformities in the world that you could have...you have none. How incredibly lucky is that?

Social life. Not only do you appear to have a wide social circle (from what i gather from your posts). You also have the potential to widen it further and cherry-pick lifelong close friends. You come across as likeable, approachable, open, intelligent and articulate. You tick all the boxes for a person with a healthy social life. If there is a void in your social life, trust me..it will be filled soon. In life terms, another stroke of luck.

Future prospects. You've made no mention of dropping out of college so I presume you're still enrolled. So what if you've got a bit of catching up to do or even if you have to repeat a year. You can do it, plenty of people screw up their first year or two and still graduate. You're in the enviable position of receiving higher education in a prosperous country while sitting out the recession. You lucky b@stard.

You have the world at your feet and almost unlimited potential yet don't seem to realise it, preferring instead to focus on the luck factor of a silver ball falling on an even number as a way to gauge the luck that life has blessed you with.

When you objectively weigh up all the things that are great in your life, it even seems that things don't get much better than this but trust me, in your case they really will.

great post

Will respond to these posts when I get home in 12 hours, tomorrow morning if rest is urgently required, I cannot give these posts the respect they deserve using this phone. I have a lot to say, for now I have to account for the next 10 hours between check-out and my flight home.

i agree with this post 100%. i believe AA or NA would do you much more good than GA. without going back and rereading the threads, i would venture to guess that the common thread in all the huge gambling losses/tilt sessions would be alcohol and/or drugs. bankroll management was actually possible for you when you were in the controlled environment of the clinic, correct? in other words, when you weren't ****ed up. you were doing pretty good at the poker tables when you weren't drinking, right? of course if you ever get serious about quitting drinking, you'll need to avoid the casinos for a pretty good while to avoid the temptation that being in place full of drinkers would present.

not really. he talked about wanting to build an online roll and stick to BR management. but people would send him $5 or $10 and next thing you know he was playing $50 sit and goes. believe he busted his online BR while in the clinic

**No poker content here. Skip to responses if you aren't interested in the past few days and the ramblings of my mind**

I'm exhausted as hell, and not feeling very mentally competent right now from all the sleep-deprivation, drinking, walking and headbanging, but I cannot bring myself to neglect this thread because I have been so moved by some of the thought and heart that you guys have put into your posts. That has made more impact on me than any money I received in the beginning (although that was definitely massively appreciated). Money can be dispensed with ease by those that have plenty of it, but long sincere posts like the ones my story has inspired give me something far more valuable and mean a lot to me.

I'll give a brief rundown of the past few days, which have been a much needed escape from my situation. And I'm going to stop apologizing for the length of my writing in the form of tl;dr admissions 'cause the way I figure it, this late in the game, most of you that are still here are not the kind of people that are afraid of reading something long that requires a bit of brainpower to process. If someone doesn't want to read something, then I'd suggest not reading.

Back in February, when I was in the hospital and this thread was born, a two night extreme metal show in Sydney was announced called "Evil Invaders III".



Having gone to the first two EI show's in '05 and '07 (or thereabouts), I knew I couldn't miss this one, and ordered the tickets and booked the flights for a friend and I. 16 bands were booked, all of them Australian, all of them respected, all of them heavy. As someone who has seen and felt the dedication and culture of the Australian extreme metal underground for the past 8 years, I was very happy that a gathering of bands such as these were coming together to once again re-ignite what I felt had been a dying flame in this country, especially in my state (South Australia, shudders). The friend that I was taking with me, however, turned out to be the POS that had screwed me over with my ex, so it was with much joy that I was able to bring a different friend along, one that had just turned 18 and had never experienced a metal show with a lineup like this. I researched boarding procedures and established that all my friend had to do in order to waive the $120 name-change fee was obtain POS's Medicare card and show during check-in. And so, in the spirit of Fear and Loathing, we went to the airport, one of us under an assumed name, and embarked on what was for me one last splash in the alcohol soaked world of the Aussie metal scene.

When we got to the hotel, we dumped our stuff and immediately began the search for a liquor store. Half an hour elapsed before we came across a place that would sell take away alcohol, and we purchased a bottle of Jim Beam Black, a dozen Tooheys New's and a dozen Toohey's Old's. This was supplemented by the presence of a bottle of vodka that I had brought from home, along with some Tomato juice in case it was required for breakfast.

We began drinking in our usual fashion, like maniacs, and according to message log the following was sent to several people: "6:44 pm and I'm already pissing out the hotel room window, this is gonna be ****ing heavy". That pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the night. We set off on foot to the gig with a map I had made, bringing with us the remainder of the whiskey and a few beers.

I have an image of pissing off a bridge somewhere.

I have an image of sitting on the front porch of someone's house, the alcohol being finally devoured at this moment.

I have a series of images of being at the gig, seeing many faces I recognized, sensing by their reactions that, although I was unable to conclude this myself, that I was extremely and completely intoxicated beyond belief.

I have an image of being back in the hotel room, looking down in amazement at a bag of fast food that I had no recollection of obtaining.

I awoke around 6:30 am to a sickening feeling that something was wrong. I looked out the window and almost puked at the horror of the sight. The carnage was incredible. I grabbed my mate and bolted out the door, hoping no-one had seen this yet. We grabbed what we could not salvage (the bible, the wet floor sign, the rubbish, the glass) and binned it. The chair and the lamp we brought with us back into the lobby where I gave my explanation about the maniac trashing our room and forcing us into cooperation before fleeing unseen into the night. This was not fun, and I did not want any further financial troubles.

That day was spent in the hotel room, hiding from the reality, or at least trying to. My friend, being young, was not too concerned about these events, but I was in a bad way. I had missed all 8 bands of this gig I had been looking forward to for months. We had spent almost all our money that was to last us the rest of the trip. I had abused a taxi driver and McDonalds staff. I had done God-knows-what to God-knows-who, and remembered none of it. I am the kind of person who, despite feeling it is partly hilarious and worthy of retelling for it's funny-story-value, I get deeply ashamed at such behavior. I mean, I'm not 18 years old any more.

I resolved to not drink for the rest of the trip, and did not. We once again set off for the gig, an hour walk taking the same route as we did the night prior through the Sydney suburbs. I was incredibly fascinated to study exactly where my blackout took place - where the journey became unfamiliar. When we arrived, it was like I'd done a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the night before I was out of my mind, tonight I was quiet and polite and practicing proper social etiquette, like remaining upright while engaged in conversation. I saw the bands, and they were f*cking awesome. When I drink I am not there for the people or the music, I am there for my addiction. It is always: More Booze. It is the only thing of any importance. It's an ugly, disgusting way of conducting yourself. Being sober, albeit hungover and brainf*cked, was great. I talked to many people, salvaging my rep from the night before, and enjoyed the bands. Went back to hotel, said to lobby guy "Don't worry mate, our friend will not be accompanying us tonight", and hit the sack.

The next day we tidied the heck out of our room before checking out. Upon returning our keycard, we were about to leave when a middle-aged couple asked: "Where are you going?" I said that in truth, we didn't know. They gave us two travel passes worth $57 each and said that they no longer required them. I was amazed. As it turned out, if they hadn't of given us them, we would not have returned home as we did not have enough money to have gotten back to the airport. We thanked them, caught a bus to the CBD, and walked around for about 6 hours. We checked out the Sydney Harbour Bridge, it was awesome. We walked in the rain, Spent the last of our money on fruit and water and later Subway, and then caught a train to the airport.

When we got there, we were almost inside when our tickets stopped working for us. We showed the lady, and she kindly pointed out that these tickets do not work at the airport. Ok, I asked, so... what do we do? Well, she said, all you have to do is pay $11 each and you can come in. I informed her that we had no money, not even a dollar. She said we couldn't come in. But we have a (f*cking) plane to catch... what do we do?? GET THIS. Despite being already at the airport, we had to: CATCH THE TRAIN BACK THE WAY WE CAME, GET OFF AT THE FIRST STATION, AND THEN WALK BACK TO THE AIRPORT AND ENTER THAT WAY. Wow. What an effective and efficient solution to our problem. Only took us an hour. Luckily we had plenty of time.

Flight was delayed two hours, mental end physical fatigue was general, we eventually got home. If I wasn't broke I would have loved to have made time for the Sydney Casino, and see a live poker zone other than the Adelaide one. Maybe next time. What a trip!

I know some of these posts are from a while back, apologies for late response.

Yeah I know, I took a shot, would have been epic if it had worked. Can only image how things would have been different.

It's pretty amazing you asked me that. I just checked Fulltilt out of curiosity to see how long ago I placed the 6 month ban on myself, and it ended exactly 20 minutes ago. Crazy. Umm yeah I did used to play a little rush here and there, used to do okay. If I'm ever there again my sn is the same as here, but have no plans.

Wow man I'm sincerely sorry that you are in such a situation. I'm not comparing it to mine, but maybe you can get something valuable from all the awesome advice people have given to me? You've been coming to this thread for a while, you'd know better about what advice, if any, could be of any help to you. I hope things are on the up since you wrote that.

This disappoints no-one more than me.

I hear you. I feel the same, but am confused as to what to do because I don't want to give up, yet I keep f**king up. And some of the people telling me to stop are people who's opinions I have come to respect a lot.

You're welcome and I'm glad

Felt sick being there in that time. Miss it.

late), and couldn't help but notice your name. Are you JohnnyDrama33 on FullTilt? Or were you before 4/15 at least? If so, you're famous:

http://www.donkeymanifesto.com/plo1

Morphy[/QUOTE]

Maybe try PM'ing him?

Thanks for your PM Jared, and your advice. I hate where I am but there are moments that amaze me. I need to focus on what I can do, and do it.

I'm re-reading your thread too btw, what a journey.

Thanks heaps man. Awesome hearing from you, hope all is well.

Thankyou very much man. Praise for my writing means a lot to me, and every person that tells me that they loved reading this brings me a bit of happiness.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. And if I do, I want to stop. I wonder if that makes any sense. Mental stability is what I need most. It's when I don't have this that I drink and either play bad or gamble, which to me are the same thing. The reason I constantly am looking inside myself is because I feel like I have to in order to seize control and get myself together. If I can't do that, how can I be a good friend, or potential partner or father? But it's unhealthy to reside so wholly internal. I feel so deep in this hole that I actually for once just wish I was a normal person, if for nothing else just to get some pointers. Drinking, recklessness, blackouts, life ruining losses, it's like I crave destruction but I know the opposite is also true.

Hell, I'm still young. Surely these times are teaching me something.

Nah not strict or boring, I appreciate it. It's kind of difficult because I see where you' re coming from, but for me writing is one of the few non-destructive things that I really enjoy, and it might be something which helps me in the future. But I will think about that, and some more when I re-read qdthilnbx's post.

I have been to 2 GA meetings and missed the last one because I had to pick up my friend for our trip. In all honesty, despite being fascinating, I felt little from them. They were all pokie/slot machine addicts. They could not understand me when I explained to them that poker is the only game that you don't play against the house. Where it's actually possible to make bets where you have the edge. The fact that I lost my entire amount of money this time around had far more to do with my destructive personality than my penchant for gambling. edit: perhaps that last sentence is reason enough for me to keep going to meetings. Drinking is a huge factor. I used to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm just tired of it all man I'm ****ing tired.

Yeah I'm in Adelaide man, and thanks for your kind offer. It would be a pleasure, and if I am ever up that way for a gig or another reason then I'll be sure to do that, and you can be the first 2+2er to meet me irl haha.

When I read this two nights ago, I was having a quiet moment away from everything on the sofa at the gig, on my 10th cup of water recovering from the madness of the night before, and I just want to say that even being in the setting of an extreme metal show, I was genuinely moved and amazed that someone I've never met would put so much time and effort into writing that. Wow. Thanks for your kind words man, I really appreciate it.

In regards to the fork in the road, yes absolutely. I've never felt the crushing reality of poverty like this, and never truly knew what to expect. I'm f*cked. Being f*cked is bad. Therefore, one must avoid being f*cked in the future, right? Yeah, except I didn't think this way. My thoughts, usually, eventually, were more along the lines of: F*ck it. A very dangerous mentality. I really felt I had come a long way since things were last really bad, and I'm really reluctant to lay blame or deny responsibility, but certain things happened around the same time that everything went to ****. I went into a form of shock when I received devastating news, and pretty much shut down and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Then I'm drinking more. And drink driving more. And risking more. And getting closer and closer to something which I finally arrived at. And I'm sick and tired and blah blah blah and have been here so many times that I again tend to just close off from it and constantly feel the need to escape my surroundings and these realizations and just feel something amazing and real and pure and free and true, without being reminded of my mistakes and failures, the people I've let down, the people I've pushed away, the money I've lost, the isolation I've created, the sheer enormity of responsibility I need to face. But that's what happened and that's the truth and that's life. Here I am, sitting in the place I made for myself.

Yes, stability. I need it, but how the **** do I get it? Is my destructive addictive personality a result of boredom, or fear, or something else? Whenever I've had a job I've worked my ass off as long as I was treated reasonably. The feeling of working hard was something I loved. I need a job. Sad reality haha, good ol 13 day heater didn't save me from that.

You make an excellent point about conjuring up the images of past crisis's to dissuade me from repeating them, for some reason though this rarely works, and I've tried it many times. The practice itself is definitely the key, I've just always failed at implementing it. I've many times been stunned at how adamant I am to not repeat something, especially drinking, and then just doing it despite being so sure I wouldn't. Pretty clear lack of discipline I guess. How does a 26 year old that has never had any rules in his life become able to follow the ones he has set for himself? But, I have never been so unhappy with where I am than where I am now, and how badly I've degraded into stupidity, and I am going to have made significant progress by my 27th birthday, that's a promise to myself. Even the huge amount of walking I have done in the past 4 days has reminded me of the rewards of positivity and being active.

(A) What is your life-roll at? What immediate expenses do you have that must be paid?

I have nothing in my bank account, sixty cents in my wallet, $5 on Stars and $2 on Tilt. I owe my ex $100, my mother $60, my phone company $60, the police $600 (hopefully getting that reduced, went to the courthouse to appeal late fees) and $30 to my internet provider. I receive my student allowance in a week, which will allow me to put a dent in my debt. At the age of 26, I am for the first time in my life in debt. It's not much, but I'm not used to it at all.

(B) What is your ability to find a job and hold it at the moment given your physical disability and life circumstances?

Just have to be careful with my back. Am inquiring about a job picking fruit in the riverland about a two hour drive from where here. They provide accommodation and pay per amount of work you do. It's the fruit season and I've been told they need workers. If I get it I will be away from this city, it's casino, my drinking buddies, my broken relationship. And I'll hopefully be making enough money to reclaim my life.

(C) When are you scheduled to do the 3-day experiment for $900? Have you already done it? If so, did you gamble with that money as well?

I was denied entry into that study due to the high presence of bilirubin in my blood, or something along those lines. There was a way better study as well, 12 days for $3,500, sadly I was too late in applying.

(D) Is there anything you can think of off the top of your head that will permanently restrict you from repeating this vicious cycle ever again? Is it simply permanently banning yourself from online poker and never venturing out to the casinos again?

Yes. Two nights ago I was intensely pondering my life, my 13 day run at the casino, and my loss. I had two rules back then: 1) Never drink while playing, and 2) never play any stakes higher than 1/2. I followed these rules, and prospered. I did not truly understand the significance of what is now my third rule: Never under any circumstances play any casino games other than poker. The fourth rule, which is pretty much as important as the others, is not play if I'm not feeling it. I have learned that no amount of luck will help me if I know I'm playing bad. But my problem is following these rules. I need help there. I KNOW that if I can follow these rules and replicate their application to the other facets of my life, I have a true chance, not just in poker, but in everything.

What I have gone through as a result of my mistakes completely dwarfs anything a troll or hater could ever say, and as such I will not be swayed in any direction as to what I will or will not write. This is increased the more people that contact me, whether publicly or privately as a result of my putting myself out there. The only reason I continue to write here at all is because of the people that want me to. Really, anyone who doesn't want to read any of this has an infinite number of alternatives, I don't see why they would read regardless except to kick someone when they're down in an attempt to transfer their own feelings. I see through it, past it.

Thanks man. I hope you feel that the length of my response validates the effort you put into yours.

The hotel room was an immediate and extremely powerful regret upon waking up. I was in a blackout and remember nothing. It might has well of been someone else. Not much I could do except immediately go about resolving it.

Not really. I have pushed them away because of my unwillingness to let them see what has become of me. I feel huge shame and other emotions that isolate me, perhaps far more than is healthy or necessary. Hence my affinity for this thread and my anonymity.

^^^^responses in bold. Had to stop, though. By now I have been reading/writing for 5+ hours and cannot respond further in a deserving fashion, but once again excellent excellent post. It blows my mind that a stranger would write such remarkably insightful stuff.

This has been overwhelming, and long, but hey, why not. It's gotta be done. ****, maybe if I can write for 5+ hours I've got what it takes to actually write for a living someday? Who knows. But it's bed time for me. Night all.

EDIT: Oh and I should also point out that I more focused now on trying to get a job. I will not be playing any live poker right now because I have no money, unless a friend stakes me. I have one friend that I staked one buy in that still hasn't paid me back. A combined online roll of $7 is nothing. But I did go from $2 to $5 on Stars today, who knows? $5 to $5,000? Haha, would be nice.

|I will not be playing any live poker right now because I have no money, unless a friend stakes me. I have one friend that I staked one buy in that still hasn't paid me back. A combined online roll of $7 is nothing. But I did go from $2 to $5 on Stars today, who knows? $5 to $5,000? Haha, would be nice."

Good luck with those GA meetings.

crazy ****

Hello NWB, I'm really fascinated by your story, and recognize some situations.

2 years ago, I just had graduated, and didn't really know what to do with my life. I learned playing poker during college and had made some decent money. Because of that I didn't want to take a ****ty job and decided to live the EZ life en keep on grinding. But sitting in front of my computer didn't really make me happy, and the emotional stress was too heavy for me. Cycles of upswings, feeling the king of the stake and battle every good reg HU, obviously followed by downswings to brake even again and start over.

That emotional stress made me drink every evening, causing 3 or more black outs a week. And I really hate that feeling after a black out. You think that worst has happened, so you are embarrased, whatever happened (mostly it's not that bad I hear from friends). What you wrote about your second day of the festival makes me think you can get over the alcohol. You were disgusted of yourself and stayed of the booze just to make sure it didn't happen again, and probably to answer alot of questions about the night before. Just ALWAYS keep in mind what kind of idiot alcohol makes of you, like you did that day. What I think you have to do is to throw yourself into interesting situations that have nothing to do with gambling or drinking (wich is not interesting anyway)

I just packed my bike and started cycling trough Europe, to think about what to do with my life, but the intensity of cycling didn't make me think too much of that, it just made me more stable. I lived close to nature for months and months, sleeping in the woods every day, cooking on a fire. When i was too lonely i went to a big city, found place to sleep (bum one/hostel), met alot of interesting people, drunk alot without feeling bad about it, etc. I lived for less than 3 euro/day. I didn't want to play poker and live my old life ever again, i would find a tomato picking job or something for one month and go on.

But winter was coming and I returned home, and after some weeks i picked up poker again (better than tomato picking lol). I was reborn, played my A game full time and went on the biggest upswing of my life.
But now, some months later I'm back in the situation i was in before the trip. It's funny to think about it. The me, who was standing in shop for 15 minutes to see what kind of bread was cheapest/kg, or asking for free hot water in a bar to make his own tea outside after stealing some toilet paper, now tilting of stacks worth 100s of breads.

But still, it's different, i know it's possible for me to step out of this, and I will do this again, and hopefully never come back. Of course, I' ve never been in the situation you are in now, I' ve never had real money problems, and I'm not a degen gambler, just a break even tilter. Find yourself a goal, and keep the second day of that festival in mind, how much fun you had being sober!!!

Wishing you LOTS of good luck.

this

Dear alcohol. We've been closely acquainted for 11 years now, and I have faithfully been your conspirator and loyal servant with a dedication unmatched in my other relationships. I have put you first, before everyone else, certainly before myself. I remember when we first met. You took my breath away. You showed me the beauty of the world. You gave me power, life, freedom, courage, strength. And now, 11 years later, you've taken away those very same things, and have left me feeling emptier than ever. I stayed with you through thick and thin, and as the years wore on, the thin gradually eclipsed the thick. I found you in wine, in whiskey, and later when you got me fired and left me penniless, in Listerine and methylated spirits. Our nightmare rollercoaster was everything I dreamed. You showed me the door, and made me face the ultimate test: That I would do anything for you. And yeah, I did anything. Our bond grew cruel and heartless, and you created a ghost that I both fear and despise. A doppelganger dancing with death, and you set him loose on me. Why would you do that? All I ever wanted was to smile with you, laugh with you, feel safe and strong with you. I f**king worshipped you. I made the people that loved me feel like worthless pieces of garbage for you. I uprooted my life for you. I even started to smell like you. I have suffered constantly without cease and you have in turned chewed me up and spat me out. It has taken me a long time to realize that no heart I broke has not since been healed, except my own. For every person I pushed away, I hope it is with some last fragment of justice that I do the same to you. But I don't hate you. You are now my teacher, your last lesson fresh in my mind, you're being put away and out of my life, because I know now that if I give you one more chance you won't show mercy - you'll put me in the ground or in a cage and don't ****ing say you won't because I've believed you for all these years but I've finally had the courage to face the truth. You want me dead. I know this because I told you that all those years ago. A young troubled boy like countless others, who was just looking for an escape from fear. A boy who considered death when the weight of his own sufferings was too much to bear. It is that boy that you wish to possess. How far would you go to bring him back? To prove your power? You'll never bring him back. He is in the past. He cannot be in the now, nor should he. He is where he belongs. I survived those years with your assistance, and the enormity of my gratitude gave way to my devotion. But that boy knows now that you were using him and secretly planned on crushing him just as he would peak in those later years. Now that boy is me. A man who saw it come and watched it go. A man who would rather wander in the darkness that stumble in your arms. Who would rather brace himself against the pain of the world than prop himself up on your feeble shoulders. Goodbye alcohol. I will think about you no doubt, but my heart has grown cold from your abuse. You gave me a lot. But I won't give you the life you want so badly to take. Watch how far I will fly without you holding me back.

- a little something I just wrote 'cause I couldn't sleep. Nowhere near as awesome as Jared's rap song, but I'm not much of a singer. Went to an AA meeting last night. My first one in six years. It's pretty much the best possible thing I could have done. I can't say much right now seeing as I've only been sober for less than 24 hours. Besides, I've talked too much. Just felt it was time for one final update, considering I almost rolled my car two nights ago. I doubt I'll post anymore ITT until I have something worthwhile to report that doesn't resemble the pathetic garbage of the past few months. Cheers again to everyone that made this thread something cool in my life, and sorry that I can't take you up on those drinks. Grind on the mind.

my head hurts

Couldn't not comment on this. Wow. I would love to read more about this.

You're right about the blackout thing. Even if you didn't balls up too bad, you always expect the worst, and every little cringeworthy detail is repugnant, but then there's those times that you're truly amazed to discover that your alter-ego was actually behaving. Such absences from participation in your own life is unsettling to say the least. I was wondering, what is your drinking like now?

Seriously though, I would love to hear more about your adventure. I wish I had the balls to do that, if only for a brief period. There is a great thread in OOT about someone who lived in a tent for like 10 years. While he was a self-proclaimed degen who haunted the woods by a racetrack, I found the non-degen/gambling details of his story really fascinating and intriguing, and I admire his attitude. Some people take very different paths than your average person.

Please write more!

Quitter.

Morphy