NWB!!! i read like 40 pages of ur thread, then baroozed the last few pages. I really like ur posts. U R obv a very intellectual person.

I can fully relate to the problems ur expressing itt. ur a ****** degen gambler. i get it. Hey, i am too! prolly worse than u are.

i have scars up and down my left arm because of poker/gambling. When i started out, i thought i was the **** at everything poker. i didnt study or employ brm or ANYTHING.

then... the worst thing ever happened to me..... i shipped a donkament for $5,400, with my last $75 bucks. i degened it all away.

then... some time later. i did the exact same thing.bought in to donkament for last $75, shipped for another $5,400. didnt learn my lesson and degened it all away.

now im broke, with not one red cent to my name... so ur situation isnt all that bad.....except for the gal and mate gettin it on.. id kill a mothercuker...


anway... PM if u want to chat about gambling/degeneracy/anything.

I feel this notion of going travelling is just a means of escapism and running away from the issues in your life. You'll be able to side-step them for as long as your $5k lasts, but as soon as it runs out you'll be back in the same place with less money and trying to confront them. At least now you'll have $5k more and be in a better position with improving things. Put the poker on hold and think about what you really want/where you want to go from here and start setting some achievable goals.

I've been writing these replies over the past 4 or 5 days when I've had the time, it wasn't meant to take this long but it wasn't something I wanted to rush. Plus, as usual, I've had a lot going on. So apologies for the delay.

Some people have been awesome and posted graphs of my horribad cash losses. I guess I better post a couple of pics of the other, less stupid things I've been spending my guinea pig money on to even it out.

This is my new car, a '91 Ford Fairmont Ghia.



The third and best car I've owned. Runs smooth, done 215,000km's which is awesome for a twenty year old car. Great clean interior. All around an absolute steal at $1,500.

But my true love is the one with just two wheels:



She's an Apollo Allegro, flat-bar road bike. Carbon forks, 21 speed, light alloy frame. She's about 5.5 kg's lighter than the bike I have been riding for the past 4 years, and boy do I notice the difference. I love her. I spent 5 hours at this one bike shop, the guy was a legend, very enthusiastic about everything, didn't mind spending such a long time explaining things/answering my questions, despite having a massive backload of bikes that needed repairing. I tested out 4 bikes, one model up from the one I bought, one hybrid that was so damn comfortable, and one crazy awesome black racer that had just come in second hand... it looked like my dream bike and I thought I'd leave with it, but after riding it it just wasn't really for me. When I tried my bike (he let me ride them around the block, pretty cool) I knew it was the one for me, and it was the cheapest so I was pretty happy. Paid $750 but I bought some extras, a new light, helmet, and have ordered new wheels and a back rack thingy. So yeah. OP is in love <3

Thought I was going to have some positive poker news after coming 5th out of 223 players in a MTT (more on that later), but I blew the winnings and more at a 1/2 table, so no, nothing good to speak about. Same sh*t as before. The dog has to learn a new trick, soon.

At this stage buying some quantity of drugs for resale sounds like a great suggestion. If it was pot or methamphetamine it would be fine, as I would not personally consume any, and thus wouldn't be breaking the rule so eloquently told by Elvira in Scarface: Don't get high on your own supply. If it was blow, this would most likely be another matter entirely. I base this belief largely on a recent dream, where I somehow made a Russian contact in my area who said he knew a guy who could get me a pound of coke for $100. Amazingly the guy pulled through and I wasn't killed while performing the exchange (should have known it was a dream at this point, god bless slumber induced ignorance) and there I was in possession of a bag of cocaine almost identical in size to that of your average household bag of sugar. Coincidentally, it also had the taste of sugar, icing sugar to be exact. And I got high as a kite, yeeehaaah. The brain is incredible in it's ability to recreate feelings and sensations, and I tell you that was the most high I've ever been and it was all the result of a natural sleep. Those that have mastered the ability to manipulate and navigate their way through their dreams, my hat goes off to you, for you have an ability I envy greatly.

Back to the initial suggestion, there is also the problem of locating a supplier. I can't exactly put an add in the paper, and I'm not too keen on approaching any bikie gangs. I'd need to be fortunate enough to know someone in this particular field that a) has access to such an amount, b) would be willing to sell to me, and c) I can trust.

And as for a vacation, I'm definitely working on it. It's all I've been able to think about.

No education, expelled from school in year 11 because of inattention caused by drugs and alcohol. Worked for 8 years in various jobs, stopped working in November last year when I got injured, continued getting paid due to employer being liable, voluntarily ceased employment with them to pursue studies, thus severing my cashflow. Am in some weird limbo atm where I have money but it's depletion is rapidly outpacing it's replenishment. This is obviously aggravated by recent losses.

Yes I'm at university. So far scraping along, but (making excuses alert) the combination of: human guinea pig experiment preventing me from attending initial orientation sessions, severe viral illness in second week, moving house in fourth week, discovering devastating news in fifth week, has made it very difficult for me to maintain focus (and yes this has always been a problem, it has however become aggravated due to these contributing factors).

I paid for the car in full, in cash. I owe nothing on it. The toe amputation was more of a joke than something I was mentally preparing for. Despite this, I'd still snap-take it if it became available.

I'm sorry to hear things went bad for you, how are things now? I guess it was 10 years ago, it obviously was a bad time if it's still so fresh in your memory.

Getting away sounds like exactly what I need right now.

You're right, money is not, and should not be the foundation of happiness. Just sucks needing it. Fearing being without it. I reckon to be content without it would be the epitome of accomplishment in this world. Hopefully survival without descending into squalor would still be possible in these circumstances.

Poker in a foreign country would be like any other thing - an interesting experience. It certainly would not be the focus. I did say that in my previous post but I get the feeling people don't quite get it. Oh well, I've proven to be a degen, after all, can't expect otherwise. If/when this all happens we can go from their and we'll see how it applies to the overall story.

tyvm man.

Jesus the Costa Rica tour sounds amazing *drool*. So keen. Am going to discuss this with my friend in the industry. She has informed me that she can provide me with all the airfare/accomodation/car rental etc that I'd need, minus the markup. This can amount to hundreds of dollars.

Maybe a bit of all of the above. Do I want an incredible journey? Hell yeah. Do I also want to run away from the sh*t in this city and my surroundings that are a source of unhappiness? Sure. I don't have some illusion that I'll find the solution to all my problems in running away to some tropical paradise. What excites me is not knowing what I'll find, knowing only that it will be a completely different atmosphere.

It's not easy for me. I've always had to find things out on my own, learn my own lessons. There was never really any guidance, or anyone to look to for guidance. I don't wish to go into detail, but there was always an absence of family structure, and as such even from a young age I always viewed the world in my own way, with an absence of parental influence. This has many pros and cons. I am able to see things very purely, for I never really was shown what to think, what to believe, I have always had the opportunity to do this myself, without the distortion of the influence of those I was raised with. But then there's a great deal of things I haven't learned because of this, and it is this deficiency that I feel hampers me the most, even in adulthood. But I am not complaining about anything, I am my own person, I make mistakes, and my life has gone this way, not some other. I have a loving heart and I do not hurt anyone, so I didn't turn out too bad. I just haven't mastered the whole "take control of your life and stop being a d*ck" side of things yet. So I do read and reread the pieces of advice given to me itt. And I do my best to heed them, but it's like fighting against my own stupid habits, and as anyone knows that can be f*cking hard.

Thanks for your post man.

Thanks man. Look forward to hearing from you

We have a winner.

I read this post last night at around 1am, while in the hills visiting my nephew. We'd played 3 games of poker, 1 x $5 NLHE between 4 of us, 1 x $10 NLHE 4-handed, and finally a $10 PLO 3-handed. I won the PLO game to give me a total profit of $5 haha, was good fun... but anyway, at 1am my nephew had crashed out on the couch, and everyone else had left. I was sitting outside with one of the dogs on my lap, waiting and guzzling water to try and sober up for the drive home, thought I'd check what was going on in the thread. I read your post slowly and absorbed it in it's entirety.

First, let me say it's a great feeling to hear that this is one of the best you've read in the seven or eight years you've been lurking/reading these forums. This dumb little thread is something I get a lot of enjoyment from, and it's killer to know people have also enjoyed following it along it's strange trajectory. I have learned that my writing can reach people in a number of different ways. I can engage people's interest, I can provide entertainment for those that enjoy this story, whether the ups, downs, or both are the specific area that they take pleasure in, but what I like most are the pm's I've received from people that have taken some heavy blows from poker and their own destructive tendencies, and have related to my story and situation.

You seem like you have some major insight into these areas. Do you have any other academic background from before your days of being a writer? Could you plz post or pm me the name of your film? After reading your post I would be interested in watching it.

You are right in pretty much everything you say. I had not played in a few days, I deposited $235 onto Stars: $20 to play the $4.40 rebuy 3k guarantee and $215 to play the 35k guarantee (hopefully by now I can admit to making these choices without people feigning shock or horror). I came 5th out of 223 odd players in the $4.40 rebuy, losing on an actual tough beat, winning $174. I breathe a sigh of relief that my tournament play is still solid, and that all hope is not lost. The next day I play the $11 1REBUY1ADD-ON and come 50th out of 150 players after making many mistakes. I take my entire balance to a $1/$2 table and lose the lot going all in on the flop with the nut flush draw. I am reminded that at almost all junctions I take the wrong route, and fail at this game.

The part that will disappoint: despite everyone telling me to give up poker, I can't. I can't just quit. I suffer endless frustration at my inability to follow my own rules, because it makes quitting seem like the only solution. But these are my faults to overcome, and unfortunately I realize this mirrors exactly what you said in your post, and I fear that the outcome in your case needs to be my own, but I'm just not there yet. As of this moment, I will attempt to put in place a strategy to control poker for me in the near future:

- No more online cash games (banning all cash tables, sorry bumhunters)
- No more live cash, I will make an exception if I travel for my own reasons, and will also make an exception for small $5 - $10 buy ins with friends.
- Only tournaments, as these are the only thing I'm any good at anyway. Problem is that I'm not rolled for anything. I could put $2,000 on, but in light of recent dumbass tilting off buy ins at 1/2, I don't think so. Will invest more time thinking about this one.

Enough about poker. My new bike is the best thing to happen in a while. It is a pleasure riding her, a healthy body and a healthy mind are goals that I am determined to reach, and there is nothing stopping me. It's pretty much the best thing I have right now, and it is a key to greater things. Traveling is in my mind still as something that I want to do very soon. Writing is only happening in this thread, but the spark is still alive along with the thought of writing a story soon. Too many things at once. But it will happen. The thought of creating something that could move people I'll never meet is too sweet to not chase. As for meeting the right girl, sure, one day. If I can be the person I want to be, which is basically just me - the weakness.

I know this a long response. Your post deserved it, it is clear you've spent a great deal of time reading this thread. Thankyou for your profound insight good sir.

100% right. Another reason to stick to tournaments over cash games is that a tournament fits in more with what poker is to me right now: a hobby that does not take precedence over the other things in my life that require focus. One that has a time-frame, a clear beginning and end, as opposed to a random sitting and floundering around among cunning opponents who are in their element. I WISH there was another study that gave me a bankroll to play the biggest PLO tournaments online, but sadly there is nothing available to give me a quick, easy 20 grand. Hell, maybe even that would be modest.

Yours was another post that was concise and on the money. Fresh air of reason to cool down my tilted skull.

I wouldn't trade places with anyone in the world, but I would like to go back in time to impregnate your mother so that she could have at least one good looking kid instead of the heap of dogsh*t that she see's when she looks at you.

As a friend wrote to me in a pm: Omaha is the crack of poker. 'nuff said.

Damn... That's f*cked man. Obviously you are a decent mtt player with no brm skills. Sounds familiar. I'm real to sorry to hear that man I like to think if I binked a 5k tourney win I would be smarter with it, but who knows?

Wow, finally finished. My computer will appreciate the opportunity to cease it's infernal crankings. Peace everyone.

1500$ car but a 750$ bike

[x] baller

I read every page of this thread.

I must say cool story bro.

Lol'z Rofldonkaments

Neverwasbeen,

Please don't skip this post in favour of one that says what you want to hear.

It is obvious to everyone including yourself, that you have a seriously damaging addiction to poker. You admit this in one post and then talk about setting new "rules" (BRM, no cash games, etc) in the next.

The problem is, I don't think you even realise just how damaging this addiction has been for you and I'm certain you don't realise how utterly devastating it will be for you in future if you don't stop now.

Firstly, let's look at the alarming title of your thread...

Lost everything playing poker, have become human guinea pig for drug company to play

Nobody, including yourself has said anything about this. You never said "Have become human guinea pig...to get life back on track" or "..to buy back all the stuff I sold". No, your intentions right from the start were to get a roll to lose again. Do you not see how disturbing that is? Seriously, re-read this paragraph and take a minute or two to let it sink in.

Now consider the few possessions you currently have. You know deep down that your car and your bike are going to be sold in a month or two don't you? Of course, when you sell them you will tell yourself "I no longer need a car", "I can sell this for more than I paid...I'd be an idiot not to sell it" or "this money is going to fund a year of travelling". Whichever way you justify selling these things, you will know that those reasons are bull****. You will know where that money is really going. As soon as the cash is in your bank it will be deposited on stars and in the blink of an eye, it will be gone.

When this happens you may think to yourself, "ah well, at the end of the day..easy come easy go. It only took 6 weeks to earn. I'm young, I can earn that money again"...and this is true. However, what happens when you next earn money? What happens if you inherit a large sum whilst you are addicted? Any money that comes your way in future is going straight into the pockets of whichever shark is at your table. As long as you are addicted to poker, you will never be financially stable.

The depressing thing is..I think that not only do you know this, you have actually accepted this.

You paint a picture of yourself as a free-thinking, non-conforming, possibly intellectual person but at the moment (and for as long as you continue to play poker) you are just a slave to your addiction, a true sucker. Is this really how you want to be perceived by the rest of the world? As a mug?

As far as I'm concerned, there are really only two reasons why anyone would play poker...

Profit and pleasure.

It doesn't matter if you lose money overall playing poker. Most players lose. What matters is that you only lose what you can afford. You, however, are incapable of only losing what you can afford. There can be no argument against this. It is a simple fact. If you play poker and lose...your losses will be devastating because you are unable to play at levels you can afford.

In the same way that alcoholics cannot drink in moderation, you cannot play poker in moderation. Your delusion that you can control your problem by setting certain rules about what games you will play is completely divorced from reality. You need to get a grip of yourself. Some will say that I am being OTT here, they may point out that your losses are not considerable.

But the only reason that you didn't lose 30, 40, 50...100 grand before your drug trial was because you didn't own enough stuff to sell. It was actually a stroke of luck that you didn't own your own house or business that employees depended on because the chances are that you would have lost them. You may protest that you wouldn't have gone that far but I honestly believe that you would have done.

You may think (and other posters may agree) that if you can improve your game and maybe even just become a break-even player then what possible problem can there be in continuing to play? This is a dangerous way of thinking. You have already proven yourself to be incapable of mastering perhaps the most important quality any poker player can possess...emotional control. No amount of technical ability will ever overcome that flaw.

For this reason, any pursuit of profit in poker is doomed to fail and in your case the failure will be spectacular.

So the only other real motive to continue playing is for pleasure...

You are lying to yourself if you believe playing poker gives you pleasure. All you are experiencing whilst playing is your addiction being sated. It is really no different to an alcoholic waking up shaking, gulping down vodka and dry retching. That isn't real pleasure either.

You may try to convince yourself that from now on you will only play for small stakes. This won't work. It will only serve as an appetiser for the higher stakes. You are addicted to gambling life-changing sums (relatively speaking). Small stakes will not give you the thrill you are seeking and you simply cannot trust yourself to show restraint when just a couple of clicks of your mouse will take you to the stakes you really want to play and just a couple of clicks more will lose you every penny you have.

The only solution is to stop playing poker.

I have followed your thread right from the beginning. I believe you are essentially a decent person but you are also an addict and the problem with addicts is that generally their addiction takes centre stage in their lives. Addicts tend not to make good mates. Addicts tend not to have lasting relationships. Addicts tend not to take responsibility for their actions. You really don't want to belong to this group.

The only thing that separates you from drug addicts and alcoholics is your relative sobriety. This enables you to articulately express yourself to people in your life including the members of this forum. But whilst you have been admirably honest in this forum, I doubt you are this open to the people close to you. Your sobriety deflects attention away from the serious gambling problem you have. It allows you to cover your tracks and true degenerate nature from the people who most care about you. It makes it less likely that anyone is going to help you.

I know you won't want to do what I'm going to suggest but please consider it. Maybe you will do it the next time you lose a significant sum.

Join as many online poker sites as you can find and then request that you are banned for 6 months (or longer if possible) from all of them including any current accounts you have.

I realise that there are ways of opening an account by maybe creating a fake identity but doing so would put any funds in the account at risk. The fact is that if you are drunk at 2am and feel the urge to play, it's going be a lot harder for you to do. Maybe in the morning, you'll be pleased you weren't able to play and in a better frame of mind to resist the urge to get around your self-exclusions.

Finally, and I know plenty of people won't be happy I am suggesting this...you should leave this forum. It doesn't make sense to visit this site if you do decide to try and stop playing. I realise you may find this forum cathartic but it will draw you back to playing. I also feel that this thread enables you to rationalize your behaviour. It enables you to cherry-pick advice and viewpoints that best fit in with your desire to continue playing.

If you manage to self-exclude yourself from all poker sites then follow it up by visiting the Gamblers Anonymous website instead of 2+2.

All the best.

you did what now?

I would sooner kill self lol.

I mean, how could you ever be happy like this lol lol if i lost my freedom to live balla id be so super sad

Hey Never Was, let me ask you a question.....
i'll preface it with a comment though. You have been really awesome with answering individual posts here - REALLY awesome, like some sort of 2+2 record awesome - so, i hope you answer me.......

Simple question coming, simple answer required, yes or no.........(i guess it's not really yes or no, you, of course, can expound if you'd like...)

Would you consider taking two months off from poker (and table games), and posting ITT weekly what you are doing and how things are going for you?

Cheers brother.

Your self-exclusion has started.

Please exit all tables now to begin your exclusion period.

You will not be allowed to participate in any games, make deposits or transfer funds for 30 days to May 12, 2011 12:05 ACST.



Am now unable to play on Stars or Fulltilt. Sigh.

Live games. Say it.

NWB, I love you brother... but BRM is the only way to fly. I have pointed this out to you several times. Would I like to jump into a $100 SNG? Yes, when (and if) I achieve that as an option within my BR I will (yes my pathetic online BR is many times $100). My goal is pleasure without loss of money; achieved thus far due directly to BRM.

I too am worried about u NWB, your BRM is non-existent. Given such an approach, you will lose everything again and again and again; math dictates this to be so. You saved some face by shutting down the losses and pulling significant monies off the site. BRM would have kept you from that situation.

I want the best for you NWB. However, I believe your actions have told me BRM is not an option for you because you are a gambler. Tell me if I am wrong. You keep hurting yourself with poker, stop.

Get a strict bankroll mgmt plan and stick to it if you wish to play anymore.

Well done mate. This really is a step in the right direction.

Please try to ignore the posters that are urging you to play again. Question the motives of some of them. While a few of these posters have good intentions, others just want to be entertained by your misfortune and continue reading what has been an amazing thread.

The fact is that you will never be successful at poker in the same way as most people will never be successful at chess. It isn't a bad thing, it's just the way you are. You are hard-wired to pursue thrills and that will always be your downfall if you play poker.

The characteristics that make you a poor poker player will be the same characteristics that allow you to excel in other aspects of life.

You clearly have a lot going for you. I'm sure you will find happiness and success in life away from poker.

All the best.

If you want to give up, PM me, I was degening everything I earnt online at one stage, took me 6-9months to get out of it. A year later, I'm pretty happy and enjoying life again.

Yo dude, been a while since i've written to ya.

I think a lot of the above is a bit extreme, i don't know you, or your circumstances THAT well, but with anyone i do believe that they can kick a habit, whether it be alcohol, drugs, gambling or w.e
I don't agree with these people telling you that you can't have poker in your life, i think you can just ffs take a step back man and look at what your doing, no-one likes losing at poker it sucks horribly, especially when its bad beats or w.e, but its a part of the game and something your going to have to deal with!
I don't really know if your a losing player or a winning player or what but either way the way you deal with the bad times is going to be the making of you.
Yeah self-exclusion sure go for it for now, take a break, don't play live either though if your going to self-exclude online whats the point.
but when you return, and i hope you do, just play sensibly, your not going to make millions or maybe even hundreds of thousands in this game so stop taking these crazy shots at 1/2 and **** its just bad business!
You need to learn to enjoy poker again for the game it is and the money will come with that as you start enjoying playing more, you'll become more level headed and calmer and just play well instead of spewing trying desparately to win money.
Concentrate on your mtts if thats where your success has been.

Sure this is v similar to a lot of the other posts but meh will stil throw my opinion into the pot

Invest in coaching and use BRM = you'll be a winning player.
Don't invest in coaching and dont use BRM = you'll lose everything again.

Seemples

Cut up your credit cards. I've been through a similar ordeal, of just depositing endlessly (most likely worse than you). Only way to restrict yourself from playing online 100% is to cut up any way you can deposit. I self excluded from FT and PS, but proceeded to find other sites that would take my money until i was self excluded from around 10 poker sites. Just cut it up, if you don't have the money for a purchase you shouldn't be buying **** via credit card anyway...

Jus FYI after doing this, I've managed to pay off 6k from a 15k debt in a matter of months where with the credit cards the debt didn't budge an inch, so it definitely helps.

Good luck bro!

P.S you can always get a replacement card later down the track when you are more secure financially and mentally to give online another shot... but straighten yourself out first...

Great post by qdthilnbx,

Lotta people pulling for u NWB.
-ignore the degens and bumhunters who want u to keep taking shots
-if u must, play satellites and low buyins and try to Darvin Moon ur way to fame and fortune.
- In all honesty qd is right. U r a gambling addict and u can no more play a little poker than an alcoholic can have a few beers. I dont think it will work to play small stakes MTT. Sooner rather than later u will starting jonesing for higher stakes and the degenercy will continue. I think it is quite likely that u r taking ur money off stars and FTP because we know ur SN. U r probably just moving it off to another site under a new SN to avoid being railed and ur results being posted and tracked......

I kicked several addictions by swearing on a Bible that I would stop...

It helps to know that a higher power is watching you!

Good luck NWB, give us updates when you get a chance..

Cheers,
RB

typical degen...

+1

NWB
I have read this whole thread so forgive me because I know you mentioned it earlier. Do you play any musical instrument? Guitar or Bass? If not I seriously suggest taking it up. I can help you if you want. I think playing an instrument will help you in many ways. It will help with depression, it will help with discipline, it will make you smarter which will help you to achieve more in school, life and.... poker if you need to play. Once you are good you will get free beer and free chicks and make more friends. You have a mind that is good for music, plus you like old scorps so it is in your blood.

Just got through the whole thread, epic journey so far man. Just wanted to say good luck with battling the degen behaviour, beat it, or don't, it's your life bro.

Either way when you come to a resolution you should write a screenplay, people would definitely pay for this sht. And it's gotta be better than selling weed yea?

Anyway good luck man.