BBV Anonymous Confessions - Page 11 - Poker Beats Brags and Variance

When I was about 17, a buddy and I where driving home in my car. We came to an intersection that had a stop sign and a 1 way street that you could only turn left. The street was usually busy, with three lanes of traffic. This intersection was at the top of a hill so you had to watch carfully before making your left as cars could suddenly appear of the crest of the hill with out warning.
Anyways we pulled up to this interesection behind a gray haired lady driving a land yaught, to my suprise she was over at the right with her right hand turning light on. I looked at her eyes in her review mirror and saw she was looking back my way.
I decided I wanted to see her pull into on coming traffic for my entertainment, so thanks to some quick thinking, I pulled to the right behind her and put my right turn signal on too.
I then clicked it off as she started making her turn, heading the wrong way down the busy one way street.
Just as her nose was half way across the first lane a car came speeding over the hill, my buddy and I both had that reflex that makes you lift your knees towards your stomach when your about to see something horrifing. The car locked up its breaks and she lifted her hands in horror as it came to a screeching halt a few inches from her driver side door. More traffic came over the hill and stopped, horns where honking. I quietly made my left turn and laughed the entire way home.

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03-30-2007 , 04:52 PM

#252

adanthar

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 20,109

This would probably be funnier in the alternate universe where the goat sprouts tentacles and comes after the OP

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Forgive me BBV, for I have sinned.

On a camping holiday in Wales, a friend and I had spent the evening in a pub in a local village. After a lock in, and far too many beers we started to make the 3 mile walk back to the campsite during the early hours of the morning. Rather than take the familiar route along the roads back we became convinced we could save time by cutting across country. An hour or so later, totally lost and miles away from any sign of civilisation we came across a disused quarry.

It was pretty dark that night and we couldn't really see the bottom. I think it started from an argument about how deep the quarry was - which we tried to settle by dropping stones off the edge and judge how long it took to hear it hit the bottom (dumb, I know, but we were totalled) - but whatever it was, we found ourselves hugely amused by throwing rocks, and whatever else we could find, down there and listening to the echoes. This evolved into a competition of who could find the largest rock or boulder to push over the edge.

I was initially most unimpressed when I saw my friend dragging over a huge railway sleeper knowing that there was no way I would be able to out do him after this. Pretty soon though, that turned into pure drunken excitement about the crash it was gonna cause if we could get it to the edge. I gave him a hand and between us we drunkenly dragged it over to edge. With one final monumental effort we pushed the sleeper over the edge, leaving both of us on our knees, out of breath and staring down into the darkness.

It was then I became aware of the rope tied to the sleeper, that was now taut between us and being pulled rapidly into the quarry. I remember looking back just soon enough to see the poor goat that had been tied to it flying overhead and away into the darkness below.

edit: after the snopes revelation, I stand by my assertion that this story would be funnier if the goat sprouted tentacles

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03-30-2007 , 05:10 PM

#253

dlorc

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 9,559

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This would probably be funnier in the alternate universe where the goat sprouts tentacles and comes after the OP

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www.snopes.com

gg

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03-30-2007 , 05:30 PM

#254

goofyballer

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 70,719

This thread is amazing. I hope the updates never stop.

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03-30-2007 , 05:34 PM

#255

daca

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 10,499

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Sometimes I wonder why they call them 'scholarships'

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Back in high school there was a guy who was an
incredible basketball player. He had an offer and was
going to be on scholarship at Georgia Tech, assuming
he graduated and had the required classes and stuff.
He was poor and very stupid. His grades were
always awful and he always did just enough to pass the
necessary classes to advance.

Anyway, my dad owned a
small deli that I would run by myself after school
from around 4-7 since all I did was make
salads/sandwiches/etc and do cash register. It was a
very chill place. So one day, I'm working and the restaurant was empty.
Then a guy with a black sweatsuit, pantyhose, and
skimask runs in, takes out a gun and says "clean out
the cash register, [insert my name]." Well I
immediately recognized it as mr. basketball from
school by his size and voice and decided to just play
along and not get shot and pretend to not know who he
was. I put all the bills (about $160 worth) into a
large salad bowl and handed it to him. He then SHOT
ONE OF OUR REFRIGERATORS ON ACCIDENT on his way out,
which ended up costing us much more than his pathetic
robbery.

Well the police were really never able to do anything
about it. This was around May of mine and his senior
year. Anyway, a couple weeks later before exams, I
made a plan to [censored] up his algebra final. I was the
teacher's assistant for 7th period algebra1. Mr
basketball had this class 1st period. Since I was the
assistant, the teacher and I had talked about most of
his students, including how mr. basketball needed this
class as his 3rd math credit to graduate and needed at
least a 65 on his final. so on the last day of exams,
the regular teacher was absent that day and the
librarian was subbing, which basically gave me free
reign. I was to get all the exams taken the last few
days and put them in a folder in the regular teacher's
mailbox in the main office.

Anyway, I fished out mr. basketball's test and screwed
up most of his answers (it was multiple choice, so
very easy) and returned it to the folder of completed
tests.

Long story short, he ended up getting like a 35 and
failing that semester. there were no math summer
school classes and mr. basketball had to stay in high
school another year, taking the minimum of 4 classes.
He lost his scholarship agreement with Georgia Tech
and ended up going to a junior college and dropping
out after getting injured. It's been 6 years since
that and he's still living with his grandmother and
now works at Hardee's (fast food place.) I hope he
gets held up at the drive-thru. He never had any clue
that I [censored] up his test or that I knew he had me at
gunpoint.

Cliff Notes: An extremely talented dumb ass basketball
player with a promising scholarship at Georgia Tech
held up my dad's store at gunpoint while I was
working, so I changed a lot of answers on his algrebra
final and made him fail this extremely important
test/class and lose his scholarship. as a result, he
continued to fail at life afterwards and is now ~24
and lives with his grandmother and is very poor and
works at Hardees.

This sounds like a KKF story. Very good thread btw.

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03-30-2007 , 05:46 PM

#256

HeroInBlack

veteran

Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 3,200

Quote:

Be safe and beware of stinky pussy and fat whores.

This is the icing. Nice job, anonymous.

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03-30-2007 , 05:51 PM

#257

cardsharkk04

Pooh-Bah

Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 4,945

I dumped my 6th grade girlfriend when she got the chicken pox

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03-30-2007 , 05:54 PM

#258

EddieRooo

adept

Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 721

This thread is brilliant.
Nice one adanthar

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03-30-2007 , 05:54 PM

#259

gumpzilla

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 13,973

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I dumped my 6th grade girlfriend when she got the chicken pox

Kudos. You were way ahead of the curve on picking up vital herpes avoidance skills.

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03-30-2007 , 05:58 PM

#260

adanthar

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 20,109

Short, but to the point

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I am 20 and I have never kissed a girl,smoked or drank alcohol/coffee.

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03-30-2007 , 06:02 PM

#261

Emperor Norton

adept

Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,056

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Short, but to the point

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I am 20 and I have never kissed a girl,smoked or drank alcohol/coffee.

The only question is what a Mormon is doing posting in a poker forum.

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03-30-2007 , 06:05 PM

#262

EddieRooo

adept

Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 721

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You know how I know this one's real? It didn't involve a poker player

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This happened to a friend of mine, but it's a hilarious story that seems in the right mood, and since the whole thing is an anonymous exercise, who cares?

So J is in high school, where he is currently dating K, and has been for a couple of months. He's out on a date with her, having an early dinner, enjoying himself, and then is driving her back to her house. When he arrives back at her house, her mother is waiting for them and looks unhappy. Apparently, earlier in the day somebody had called to tell K that she had seen J having sex with another girl, S, at a party the previous night. Since K was out on the date, her little sister took the message. J sees the message when he gets to the house to drop his date off, because her mom is standing at the door holding a paper plate that says, written in sharpie, "K - J [censored] S last night." This is the entire message.

J is completely taken aback by this; of course he didn't do it. So, he says to pacify mom and date, "Okay, I'll tell you what. I have her number on my cell phone. I'll call her right now, and talk to her, and we'll straighten this all out." So, he calls up S, and his side of the conversation proceeds as follows: "Hey, S, how's it going? . . . Yes, it WAS some party last night. Actually, that's what I wanted to call you about. Apparently somebody told K that I had sex with you last night, and I thought you could tell them that we didn't . . . oh . . . wait, really? . . . man, I don't remember that at all. Um, okay, thanks." He then hangs up, stands around for a second or two, and then says "Well, I guess I'll be on my way." and just turns around and leaves.

lmao

That would be even sicker if he did remember and just called up for value

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03-30-2007 , 06:38 PM

#263

EddieRooo

adept

Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 721

Lol I think this is the best yet... like afraid to shag someone cause theyll get shot

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03-30-2007 , 06:50 PM

#264

FilthyLarry

grinder

Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 514

the pictures i posted of "me" in the ssnl pics thread arent me, they're actually of my friend.

whew i feel so much better now

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03-30-2007 , 07:08 PM

#265

supafrey

banned

Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 4,549

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I was pretty cruel to animals for a while when I got back to the states as the kids there were pretty brutal to the stray animals, but thankfully that faded away fast, and I'd say I'm as good as they get towards pets. I wouldn't even mind working at a shelter. I'm just amazed at the kind of behavior I was capable of shortly after getting out of that jungle. Thats what poverty can do to people,....

This is disgusting. I honestly don't understand how people like you exist.

Writing it off as something like "poverty = boredom = hurting animals" really shows how much responsibility you've taken for your behaviour. That's messed up.

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03-30-2007 , 07:36 PM

#266

Stellastarr

old hand

Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,269

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Sometimes I wonder why they call them 'scholarships'

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Wow, awesome.

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03-30-2007 , 07:45 PM

#267

Stellastarr

old hand

Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,269

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I hope this one's fake, tbqh

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Back in the final years of high school, I had been dating this one girl for over 2 years (and still am). One day, I was extremely horny and wanted to get it on. Girlfriend says she is on her period. I ask her to give me head. She refuses. I ask her what the hell she is good for and leave. I felt bad, but I was really really horny. Being very lazy, I decide NOT to masturbate, instead finding the sluttiest and dirtiest girl of the school. Afraid of getting aids by putting it in her pink, and herpes from head, I put it in her stink.

I come back to my place half an hour later and find girlfriend still there crying. She says she's sorry, still crying, and pulls down my pants and starts to give me head. I say nothing, even though I had yet to wash my penis. She is still my girlfriend, we don't have the refusal problem anymore, but I've been hesitant to kiss her from that day on.

Wrong on so many lvls....

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03-30-2007 , 07:50 PM

#268

private joker

Most Definitely

Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 25,244

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This would probably be funnier in the alternate universe where the old lady sprouts tentacles and comes after the OP

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I have a logical problem with this story. If she was turning right -- onto a one-way street where traffic was only going left, then traffic was coming from the right-hand side -- which, in the United States, is the passenger-side door. Not the driver's side, as indicated in the confession. There's no way the other car could have come to a "screeching halt a few inches from her driver side door" unless he was going the wrong way too.

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03-30-2007 , 07:51 PM

#269

Stellastarr

old hand

Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,269

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Oh come on, this has to be anonymous?

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I was a Junior in hs and had been dating a girl for 4 months. At this time she was supposedly a devoted Christian. No sexaments. Summer comes around and she decides to visit her grandparents in Canada for three weeks. After the second day back she breaks down and tells me she had sex with a guy. WTF. Oh noes. She lost her virginity to someone else and I'm her bf!
At this point I realize I have to get her back. Haha. I'll tell my friends and ask what their ideas are.
Friend: Wait. Did she ever end up giving it up to you?
Me: Um....
Friend: Wait she didnt even lose her viginity to you!
Me: Uhh...
Friend: Bwahahahaha.
Me: Oh God. Please kill me.
K thx.

I see why this guy wants to be anonymous, though

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I have a [censored] load,some or maybe even all of them suck ass, but oh well. You can choose to post
whichever ones, if any at all.

Lets see, where to start...

When I was a kid I used to sneak into my brothers room when he was at work and watch his pornos on
VHS and bang out some knuckle children on his bed.
I would make sure to memorize to a tee where the vid started and when I was done with my session I
would rewind back to the original spot.

I use to also sneak into his room, steal his weed and replace it with oregano, numerous times a
week. One time he bought a large quantity and it was like mother [censored] christmas! I even stole
some and would sell it to my friends.

Back around '96,'97 I had friend who I hung out with who had a pretty hot girlfriend, but for some
reason he loved banging fat chicks. We would go out to clubs and he would just hit on fat whores.
Now mind you I've been known to go harpooning once or a dozen times myself, but if I had a gf as
hot as his was,I wouldn't even think about any other skanks. Anyways he finds this one corpulent
cow that he wants to hook up with at the club. He gets her number and what not and asks me if I
want to go with him cuz she has a roommate (who by the way is an obese butterball as well). Both
those chicks are pigs, both literally and sexually. So we go there on a friday night, they had just
got back from the bar and were trashed. So we walk in and see the one porker my friend is going
to hook up with but the other one that i'm supposed to hook with is no where to be seen. So her fat
friend is sitting there giggling like the chunky little troll she is, when we hear a noise coming
from th
e bedroom. I'm like "wtf". She goes into the room and I here laughing and whispering and 10
minutes later I see some drunk ass dude stumbling out of the bedroom with the missing roommate
behind, pushing him along and trying to kick him out as if it wasn't planned for him to be there [censored]
her fat, greasy ass. So this [censored] beached Orca whale is now thinking i'm going to [censored] her
after she's [censored] some dude in the bedroom as I walk in their house! LMFAO! So she plants her
gigantic frame on the couch and basically falls asleep while my friend is getting a hand job by jabba
the [censored] on the other couch next to me. Thankfully they went to the bedroom to finish, while miss
piggy lie snoring on the couch and me watching late night infomercials.

The first time I had sex was a nightmare. I was 18, she was a 27 year old dead head hippie chick
who lived above my friend. Not the the hottest chick but she had big old titties and I was eager
to get laid. So we get all drunk one night and end up playing strip dice (we didn't have cards) So
eventually I end up in her room we are messing around and I really don't know how to proceed so I
think to myself "well in the pornos the guy always eats the chicks puss out before they bang so I
should do that"

Bad idea.

I start to go down south and near her hatchet wound when i see a giant afro and worse yet, this
stench starts to hit me. I mean it smells like the old 59 cent soft tacos from Taco Bell.
Basically it reeks of hot garbage. I'm like, "well i gotta do what i gotta do I guess" when she stops me
(thankfully) from chowing down on her gash. She flat out tells me, "You can't, I haven't showered
yet today". Okay so now i'm really freaked out,all i wanna do is end my virginity and blow my
load.

I try my best to ignore what just happened but I can't even cum i'm so freaked and grossed out.
Basically i don't end up blowing my load, and just like a mutual aggreement that we end for the
night. She's like, "oh i came what a beautiful thing" Those were her exact words but I think she was
full of [censored] cuz i was really grossed out by the whole sewer snatch thing. Anyways I wake up the
next morning and start walking home, I don't even notice anything till i get out side and see
blood on my fingers. I'm like "wtf how did I cut my self" It's all over my hands and they smell awful.
Then i look down and notice blood on my t-shirt, I'm like "god damn i must of really been drunk i
didn't even feel myself get cut last night"
I get home and start to clean my self up and change when I look down and see it- blood,
everywhere, all over my [censored] and balls, everywhere. I'm really bugging out thinking I cut my dick somehow
but then i realize that this dirty whore had her period all over me while i was [censored] and that's
why she didn't let me eat her [censored]. I swear my finger stunk like period scum for a week. I dont'
know why but i gotta a bunch of nasty pussy eating stories, another time I ate out some spanish
stripper whore (who was also a prostiute) while getting a lapdance at a strip joint.

Anyways, maybe these sucks balls but i'm bored today. I know of more [censored] but this is getting
entirely too long.

Be safe and beware of stinky pussy and fat whores.

HAHAHA

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03-30-2007 , 07:57 PM

#270

Stellastarr

old hand

Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,269

Quote:

This thread is brilliant.
Nice one adanthar

Keep it going!

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03-30-2007 , 07:58 PM

#271

gumpzilla

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 13,973

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This would probably be funnier in the alternate universe where the old lady sprouts tentacles and comes after the OP

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BBV should start writing Encyclopedia Brown stories.

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03-30-2007 , 08:02 PM

#272

MusashiStyle

old hand

Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,880

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Now mind you I've been known to go harpooning once or a dozen times myself...

lol... "once or a dozen"

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03-30-2007 , 08:12 PM

#273

Sliders1Fan

stranger

Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 1

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this is forum drama, but it's hilarious and probably fake so who cares

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Adanthar,

I am gay and out of the closet in the real world, but not on here. I don’t think I would be treated well if I came out on here that's why I don't. Anyway, I have a big crush on Slider. Could you post an anonymous love note from me to Slider? K thx.

Slider,

You are so totally hot. I have such a huge crush on you. You are way the hottest guy on 2p2. Ever since you posted the pics from your cruise last year I have been dreaming about what you look like naked. I'm sure you have the cutest bubble butt. I would soooo love to give you a blow job. It would be so much better than any girl u ever had. I have mad skills. I would deep throat you and suck on your balls and swallow your cum. I don’t care if you don’t have a big dick, I am not a size queen. I would so let you [censored] me. I haven’t been [censored] in like 5 years so I would be super tight. Please [censored] my ass yo.

Love,

Slider’s #1 Fan.

This is not fake Adanthar. I have a huge crush on Slider. He is every gay boi's dream.

Slider's #1 Fan.

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03-30-2007 , 08:39 PM

#274

Zagga

old hand

Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,800

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I was kinda hoping for death by fire, but that'll have to do

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I used to date a girl who was molested by an older memeber of her family when she was very young. Nobody in her family knew, and she wanted it to remain that way. One day she asks me to go to a family function and i agree. She adds "He will be there. are you gonna be ok with that?" She told me that he was old and basically functionless at this point in time. He was confined to a wheelchair and could barely talk. I told her i could handle it.

It was a picnic type deal in the park across the street from the house. 15-20 of her family members were there, all having a good time. It was sunny and hot and a nice day to be outside. Everything was progressing fine until i volunteer to go back to the house to grab a photo album and another case of soda. So i go back and when i get there the guy is just sitting by himself in front of the TV.

I walked past him and over to the kitchen table to grab the photo album that we were looking at earlier. I had planned to ignore him as i did before, but when i actually got there reality hit. I said something casual, knowing damn well he wasn't going to respond, but hoping he would. He just sat there. My temper flared. I put his little monitor thing face down on a blanket and wheeled him back into the bedroom. I began verbally assaulting him telling him what i thought of him and how he was going to rot in hell for what he did. I picked up a newspaper off the nightstand and started beating him over the head with it. He could not defend himself and was just grumbling. I hit him over the head about 15 or 20 times.

I put the paper back down and started pushing him back out to the living room. My girlfriend walked in the front door and saw me wheeling him out from the hall. She immediately froze. So did i. We stared blankly at each other for a few seconds in total silence. She knew what happened. I put him back in front of the tv and fixed the monitor. I brought the pictures and soda back out to the party and told the family that she wasn't feeling well and that we were leaving. Our entire car ride home was silent. We never spoke a word about that day, ever.

Also, a big [censored] YOU to all you inconsiderates who make rape and molestation jokes. This stuff destroys people's lives. Be lucky you're not one of them.

To the one who posted this: You did the right thing, although he woud have deserved far, far, far worse, doing that would only have taken you away from your G/F (to jail) witch would only have been tough for your g/f.

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03-30-2007 , 09:04 PM

#275

AJFenix

Pooh-Bah

Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 4,869

Quote:

What? Do you lack reading comprehension? I probably care more about animals than anyone. Kids were simply cruel/heartless over there towards stray animals. It wasn't like I would personally go out of my way to do anything to any animals, I was simply pretty cold and uncaring. If I wasn't I'd get eaten alive. If you don't think it has anything to do with people living in poverty in a grimy ass environment you're pretty dumb. I don't expect any suburban people or people from good backgrounds/upbringing in general acting in that fashion. When I got to the states, I simply didn't care. My father had just passed way, I was back in the states with my mother who I hadn't seen in years, and I wasn't in a very good frame of mind. There was quite a bit of stuff to deal with for a kid my age. There were some cats and dogs at the house I was now living in, and it took me a little while to get acclimated, and to get in a normal frame of mind in general. I was just a dumb kid trying to cope with all that. I have also grown up and matured since. Wtf? It honestly annoys me that you'd even think of me like that just because of my outlook on animals. I've had so many cats/dogs/etc since then, and they honestly provide better company than some of their human counterparts.

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