World Ideologies as Explained by Reference to COWS!
"If it can not be described metaphorically using cows, then it can not exist."
-Geoff Johnson
FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
COLOMBIAN GOVERNMENT
You have two cows. The government thinks one is smuggling drugs and it is shot. The other cow actually was smuggling drugs.
PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
MONARCHY
You have two cows. The government takes one of them. If they are wise, they'll let you keep the other, if not, you start a revolution.
CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY
You have two cows. This piece of paper says that the government can only take one of your cows, and revolutions are less violent.
SPANISH MONARCHY
You have two cows. The government takes the milk from one cow, and your other cow gives birth to a bull which you throw into an arena with a guy carrying a cape and sword.
FIGUREHEAD MONARCHY
You have two cows. There's this person who doesn't have any control over your cows, but the government makes you give them milk anyway.
PARLIAMENTARY SYSTEM
You have two cows. A large group of people who have probably never raised cows themselves control how you raise your cows and how much milk the government can take.
AMERICAN COLONIAL GOVERNMENT
You have two cows. the state government takes one, the British government takes one and you owe another for taxes, and the church gets all the milk.
BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
HINDU SOCIETY
You have two cows. You use them to do labor, provide milk, etc. until they no longer can, and then you worship them.
SPANISH SOCIETY
You have two cows. As people speak different languages in different regions, you are not able to easily sell your cows. There is a guy that has little power over your cows who you give milk, although as much as 10% of the population is without milk or cows. The government regulates what you can do with your cows, until a government building is bombed and you must get new government officials, who change these regulations. If your cows do not produce champion bulls, the field in which you graze it in will be used as a soccer field.
PARISIAN SOCIETY
You have two cows. They are shared by others in the city who ride around on them underground as well. The federal government is trying to limit it to one cow, but nobody wants that to happen.
NEW YORK SOCIETY
You have two cows. You throw one out in the street to get a cab to stop. The other cow gets stabbed before it can get into the cab. The cab driver yells something in a language you can not understand, and you are left on the curb with two dead cows.
MARXISM
You have two cows. One of your cows doesn't work and exploits the other cow which works. This is the way it has always been throughout history.
SOCIAL DARWINISM
You have two cows. One of your cows produces milk in great quantities so you keep it. The other cow does not, but you get a leather coat and some hamburger out of it.
ATHEISM
Cows do not exist.
AGNOSTICISM
You aren't sure if cows exist or not.
JUDAISM
You have one cow, it is the only cow, it will have a calf sometime in the future.
CHRISTIANITY (GENERAL)
You have one cow, it is the only cow, and it had a calf about 2,000 years ago.
CATHOLICISM
You have one cow, it is the only cow, it had a calf about 2,000 years ago, a guy in a white hat tells you what your cow wants, and you must give 10% of the milk to the church.
MISSOURI SYNOD
You have one cow, it is the only cow, it had a calf about 2,000 years ago, you are the only ones who can raise the cow properly, and all other people (and their cows) are going to the really hot slaughterhouse underground.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
You have one cow, it is the only cow, it had a calf about 2,000 years ago, and you should go door to door trying to get other people to drink your cow's
UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISM
You have two cows. Other people also have cows. Even though other people's cows may be different from your own, your cows are not any better than theirs and you should learn about the cows of others.
CHRISTO-WICCA
You have two cows, who had a calf about 2,000 years ago. ches.
REBELLION
You have two cows, as does everyone else. You trade your cows in for anteaters to be different.
MATHEMATICS
You have a+b^3 cows. 0
CREATIONISM
You have no cows. God creates two cows. You have two cows.
BIG BANG THEORY
You have no cows. Billions of dust particles collide. BANG! You have two cows.
DARWINISM
You have two cows. One is not fit to survive and dies. The other one is fit and survives to breed.
EVOLUTION
You have two cows. Both cows are very distant cousins of yours.
PARANOIA
Two cows are watching you.
CONSPIRACY THEORY
What the government calls cows, you call aliens.
REPRESSION
You have two cows, while the government makes everyone else has more.
ANTI-SEMITISM
Cows which don't eat pigs are no cows at all.
EXISTENTIALISM
You have two cows. Your cows represent providers of absolute necessities for survival (milk, beef, leather) in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
WIZARD OF OZ
Winkies: Oh-ee-oh... the ooooold cow.
Munchkins: They follow the yellow cow.
SOUND OF MUSIC
You have seven singing cows and one Julie Andrews.
PULP FICTION
You have one cow and a lot of hamburger splattered across the back seat of your car.
RESERVOIR DOGS
You have two cows. One is named Cow Pink and the other Cow Orange.
TREKKIE STUFF:
BORG
We are cow. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.
KLINGON HIGH COUNCIL
You have two cows. One doesn't produce enough milk so you do the honorable thing and have hamburger.
FERENGI
You have two cows. You sell them for 5 bars of gold-pressed latinum and buy two new cows for only 2 strips on the black market.
UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS
You have two cows who eat the grass in their pasture, but only observe the grass and cows in other pastures never interfering.
