Hello, Friends. Let’s dive right in.



Panthers at Texans (-4): You may recall that the last Panthers owner, Jerry Richardson, was a wildly racist, misogynist piece of filth. The current owner is David Tepper, who paid $2.3 billion. These guys always win. Owning stuff really helps in life – instead of getting fired, you get paid. Anyway, Tepper has successfully extorted state and local governments for hundreds of millions of dollars. Careful readers will recall that I correctly predicted Cam’s absence would make the Panthers better, but I like the Texans here. They’re going to be very good until BOB kills Watson, at which point they will be terrible.



Browns at Ravens (+7): The sharps were all frothing to bet against Cleveland before the season. They’re sharps for a reason. Freddie Kitchens is in over his head, stupid, and generally infuriating to watch. There are several head coaches in the NFL who tell you everything you need to know with their physical appearance – just look at this guy. Running on 4th and 9, no backs for 4 plays in a row from the 5 yard line, running 4 fly routes on 3rd and short. Pure stupid. My heart says they can turn it around, my head says no way. Ray Lewis committed murder and he has a statue in front of the stadium.



Chiefs at Lions (+7): Does anyone think the Lions can sustain this? Literally not one person anywhere. Imagine you are a player being asked to sacrifice your body every week. Now imagine the coach demanding this sacrifice and discipline literally can’t walk without a crutch because he is so fat. Now further imagine he holds a laminated play sheet while holding a pencil. He’s fatter than Andy Reid!



Chargers at Dolphins (+15.5): Genuine question: should I be taking the Chargers in survivor? This just seems like such a perfect lol Chargers spot. Anthony Lynn is an absolute moron, they have tons of injuries, 10am start, Rivahhhs. And everyone else will pick them. Audience participation, please!



Patriots at Bills (+7.5): Hmm, Bill Belichick vs. an inaccurate QB with maybe the best defense he’s ever had with the Pats. Let’s pump the brakes on the Bills hype train, they barely beat the Bengals. I do think they have a good defense but how do they plan to score in this game? Over under tailgate deaths before this game: 1.5. LOL living in Buffalo, NY. Why? Don’t say cost of living, the south is dirt cheap and awesome.



Oakland at Indianapolis (-7): This spread makes no sense to me, Oakland would be pickem at home? You betting that? I’ll just keep saying it, Frank Reich is a massively underrated coach. Chucky is the opposite. Mark Davis has done absolutely nothing in life and is a billionaire. Las Vegas is giving a do nothing trust fund moron a billion dollar stadium. Tax capital, not labor. And raise the f’n estate tax already.



Titans at Falcons (-4): There is a case to be made the Falcons have been unlucky with turnovers blah blah blah. I recently did a deep dive into the construction of the Atlanta Airport and learned the mayor basically embezzled infinity dollars through naked corruption. Shout out to the Chick Fil A at Hartsfield, legitimately the single most efficient business anywhere. Again, would anyone care if the Titans stopped existing? Anyone?



Redskins at Giants (-3): Giants minus anything, no. He had a nice game against freaking Tampa, let’s slow down here fellas. Their best player is injured. Their coach is still Pat Shurmur. Their secondary has AIDS. The Redskins are of course hilariously terrible (shout out Dan Snyder, go die buddy), but they’re undervalued here. Pro sports betting tip – always bet on teams that were humiliated on national TV the previous week.



Seattle at Arizona (+5.5): People are sleeping on how bad Arizona is. A few weeks of tape and Kyler is going to really start struggling. I recently learned their coach is paired up with Holly Sonders, so good for him I guess, but I would question whether that’s a human or some kind of first generation robot prototype. I can think of no player for whom I have a bigger gap between liking their on field game and hating them personally than WIMson.



Tampa at Rams (-10): Can we get an “independent physician” to examine Arians? Because he wasn’t stupid before. Does Tampa have fans? Does anyone go to their games? Does anyone in LA actually care about the Rams? Do we really even need to play this game?



Jags at Broncos (-3): It has historically been immensely profitable to bet on Denver early in the year at home, for obvious reasons. You wanna bet on Joe Flacco? I’m a glutton for punishment, trust the process. Pros bet numbers. Or something.



Vikings at Bears (-2): Teaser alert. Vikings are the (much) better team and are getting points? Yes, please. I think Zimmer is a good enough coach to realize Kirk is worthless and coach accordingly. Kirk the Fraud will make more for playing this game than most of you will in your entire lives. In this case only, tax labor too.



Dallas at Saints (+3): Do you guys think Gayle Benson even watches the games? Can she name 5 players on the team? Probably not, but I bet she can tell you within a fraction of a percent how much money she has. This woman needs biographies written about her and MBA case studies in her honor. Got a guy to abandon his entire family and give her billions of dollars, truly amazing.



Bengals at Steelers (-3.5): Bengals 0-16 watch is still on. Imagine spending money knowing its going in Mike Brown’s pocket. They’re still in Cincinnati for a reason, folks.



Enjoy.

love it

Fine OP!
I admire your drive and your stamina, sir.

Dildo watch activated

Some nice Dom baiting in there

Fatricia is not just fatter than Andy Reid, he's WAY fatter than Andy Reid.

Does Amazon sell those watches?

lol I don't think the Bills will win....but they've got a chance. And I'm not from Buffalo, so the Buffalo bashing doesn't really matter to me.

pretty sure my wife's cousin and her boyfriend are going to the bills game
maybe I can talk him into helping our dildo cause

Dom, it was this comment in particular re: I'm sure you've explained how you ended up a Bills fan, but I can't recall. Based on your age, I'll assume it's OJ.

ahhh! I didn't see that. LOL that is definitely a troll attempt at me. And it's a good one.

Good guess! For my tenth bday in 1973, my Dad got me a Buffalo Bills helmet. I'm not sure why, since I grew up in Jets/Giants country, in northern NJ. I also got a subscription to Football Digest, and on the first cover was OJ and the headline, "How the Electric Company Turns On The Juice." (the Bills' OL was called the Electric Company)

As I was a big fan of the kid's TV show, also called the Electric Company, I was hooked.

And I've been a Bills fan ever since.

And I'm going to leave this right here:

1) NE hasn't scored more than 25 points in Buffalo vs a Sean McDermott defense
2) In his 2 games vs McDermott in BUF, Brady has 0 TDs and 1INT.

I wasn't a Bills fan but OJ was my favourite player, and Electric Company >>>>>>>> Sesame Street

3 will probably be enough never mind 25

- we sure ray is a murderer and not just a rat (or paid off a patsy)? never dug that deep tbh
- sb winning coach fat patricia is the icon america deserves in this moment
- betting the fins to cover thanks to this, hope ur happy
- also the racists
- all the other writeups/takes great as always


lolol

Great writeup. Love your random political comments lol

dth is an ELITE thread maker

Bump

time to send overconfident bills fans into orbit

I wouldn't side with Rivers and Lynn in a survivor pool if they faced a Sloane Kettering all-star squad.

Is there anything more exciting in all of sport than watching this count down?

LET'S GO

dildo watch is ON

lol there is no such thing as an overconfident Bills' fan