Hello, friends! Let's get right to it.

Tampa at Carolina -7 One of the most enjoyable pastimes on this site is dkgojackets melting down over the Carolina Panthers. Loyal readers will remember that I lean to the left politically, and I in no way condone racism. But when Carolina gave up a 99 yard td drive to lose to the falcons and dkgo posted an IQ graph, I laughed harder than I'd like to admit. Jameis is black Cutler, even Arians can't save him.

Seattle at Pittsburgh -4 I recently had lunch with a guy who went to Miami of Ohio with Rape. You'll all be shocked to learn that he was a complete piece of ****. Pittsburgh is an interesting place: when you drive in from the west, you come through the Fort Pitt Tunnel and the view is spectacular. Then you eventually see the people.

Vikings at Packers -3 This line implies these teams are even. These teams are not even. That said, I'm going to give French Name Chilly a pass for the first game. He saw that Pubes was never going to score and called the game accordingly. Hopefully. Zimmer is 67% against the spread lifetime!

Patriots at Dolphins +19 I find it amusing the Dolphins players a) didn't realize they were tanking and b) all seem to assume they're desirable to other teams while being selected as part of the tanking. I sincerely think the Patriots are going 19-0. Where's the Orchids of Asia Tape? Next time you encounter a punchable Patriots fan with a MAGA hat, query why desperate immigrants fleeing the worst places imaginable need to FOLLOW THE LAW while Daddy Kraft can get jerked off by sex slaves without any consequence.

Cowboys at Redskins +6 This Dak contract is going to be so, so, so bad. Also bad: Dan Snyder. Tax capital, not labor.

SF at Cincy -2 This line opened Cincy +2 and the sharps pounced. By now you all know how I feel about Mike Brown. But you know, he's pretty much a perfect match of that city. You know how lots of people are like "hey, move from (insert good city here) to the midwest, you'll live like a king" and coastal elites are like "I would never, ever live there." Mostly, the coastal *******s are wrong. But I would not live in Cincinnati for any amount of money.

Chargers at Lions +3 You probably had an instant reaction here: "who the hell is betting Detroit?" Exactly why you should bet them, best bet of the week. You probably also thought, "this guy is ragging on Cincinnati and he's giving Detroit a pass?" Fair point! Detroit sucks too! Midwestern cities that don't suck: Columbus, OH. That's it, that's the list.

Colts at Titans -3 Basic rule of NFL betting - fade teams that ride lopsided turnover battles to misleading final scores. Also, Vrabel is Jeff Fisher 2.0. 8-8 every year, somehow fools the world

Cardinals at Ravens -13.5 It drives me nuts that the football world just goes on pretending Ray Lewis isn't a murderer and Terrelle Suggs didn't pour acid over his girlfriend. Good things about Baltimore: The Wire. That's it, that's the list.

Bills at Giants +2 I'll renew my weekly astonishment that anyone pays hundreds of dollars to go watch a football game at the Meadowlands. I guess maybe if there was a train you could justify getting hammered or whatever, as I used to do with Yankee games. These people must really hate their lives.

Jags at Texans -9 At some point, most smart people realize that the people in charge aren't in charge for any good reason. I suspect many people have come to this realization watching Bill O'Brien.

Chiefs at Raiders +7.5 Suzzer, we get it. He probably didn't break the kid's arm. That's not the ****ing point. Way to go Oakland fans buying tickets and giving Lloyd Christmas money.

Bears at Broncos +3 I sincerely think the Bears win 6 or less games this year. You know that thing about people in charge not being in charge for any good reason? John Elway.

Saints at Rams -2 What happens when the LA stadium isn't ready next year? Hard for me to get through a weekly post without a shout out to Gayle Benson, a literal home wrecker who emerged with all the money.

Eagles at Falcons +2 How long until the Falcons get another new dome in a spectacularly corrupt fashion?

Browns at Jets +6.5 Much like the truck drivers Jimmy Haslam shamelessly ripped off, I'm out of gas.

Enjoy the games.

Great OP. Let Thursday begin!

haha I love when you bag on dan snyder


Let Us Week Two.

The **** is going on with Cam's hair?

if there's gonna be a lightning strike, joe buck's fivehead is an appropriate target

So tempted to use my "One time, dealer" here.

**** off with this camera angle

Panthers D must look like a buffet line with a security guard.

I’m watching a stream off the internet. I thought I clicked on some stream that was just this camera angle. Is this the normal broadcast?

oh I see they have multiple camera operators not going because of the threat of lightning strikes

joe buck told us all to chill the **** out

lol joe buck

They just said the camera operators are too skeert to be out in the weather to bring us our treasured Thursday Night Football game. Hire some people with balls, people. Or concussed former football players.

I heard that. Thanks. They didn’t say anything in the beginning so I was confused

They didn't think anybody would notice.

I did hear them say something earlier about skycam and something else, but who pays attention to what these ****ers say? Might not have even been related.

ANALYTICS CHECKED

LOL SHOTGUN

Remember when Riverboat Ron was a thing? That was fun

gotta be a challenge

Bad spot.

Billions of dollars go into this game and they still measure things with ****ing sticks

wtf that is easily past the 46

terrible play obviously but he got it

They don't care about getting things exactly right. They only care about getting them close enough to keep the suckers (that's us) paying.

story checks out

How is that review decision even possible?

lol refs gtfo with that bs

so this game is clearly rigged