This got me thinking, that you should try turning these thoughts into positive thoughts, rather than negative. As in this, you see in yourself something you're not happy about. And you fear that other people see it too, which might make it truer. Think that if you got around to other people - your family - and they didn't see anything like this, but would be loving, and kind, as a family should, this would make you feel better about yourself, and improve your self image.

fwiw - no matter how you perceive it in your head - I thought you came off as a really nice, intelligent and interesting guy. You came across as a bit shy but that shouldn't be thought of as a bad thing. Shy is a much better personality trait than brash or arrogant imo.

poker story please? highes peak etcetc?
also, hang in there bud

well this depends.... if doorbread has chemical imbalance then drugs is the way to go and nothing else but if it's situational depression then he canwork it out by exercising and doing something productive..


to all other guys that think drugs is wrong.... well youre wrong....... if it's chem imbalance, you can't do **** but take drugs to balance that ****.

It seems to me like what you need is a new life database. You know.. when you're running bad and your past results (maybe last 1-200k hands) are really disappointing and you know you made a lot of mistakes and played bad and tilted some and you just generally have distaste for those memories and wish you could erase them. So you do the next best thing. You start a new database. Fresh start. New watermark. New you.

You have to forgive yourself for all the negative things you associate with what you've become. You have to understand why you became that way so that you can move on. But these things don't happen overnight. In fact, they may not happen at all if you don't manage to step outside your world for a bit. It's the distractions in life (socializing, working out, nature, family, friends, school, hobbies, etc..) that let you see things from a different perspective and reflect properly. You need to start a new life database of doing all these things in order to eventually look back and reflect on what you once were and fully understand and appreciate why you were that way.

really great post, re-read this one DB!

A lot of really amazing posts in this thread. I can't really add anything helpful that hasn't been said already. I don't know you and you don't know me, but if you ever want to talk pm me. I've been through hard times in poker, as I'm sure we all have. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

DB,
I once read your blog and you mentioned that you had a date with a girl, I guess you still had 6 figure net worth at that time? And now you say that you dont even have the courage to see the ppl in your family?
This seems like an ego issue, someone corrects me if Im wrong. Reading some buddhism theories or some other similar philosophies might help imo.

I've been on a few month hiatus from 2p2 so am just now getting around to seeing this thread, but it really makes me proud to be a member of this community to see how many people are offering advice, inspiration, and most importantly compassion, to someone that they have likely never even met in person. For those that haven't read it, go back and check out Phil's (jman28) post in this thread; it is a truly thoughtful, insightful read.

DB,

I'm really sorry to see that life has taken this unfortunate turn for you. I'll try not to basically regurgitate what everyone else have been saying, but I think a key thing for you to take away from all of this is that you are still extremely young. Especially for someone that has been slow to make friends/acquaintances throughout his life, I can see how it would be easy to find yourself in the mental trap of having convinced yourself that there's something inherently wrong with you for being afraid of social interaction, or scared to leave the comfort of your home. The main mental hurdle that I think you need to jump is this thought that you are somehow weak for struggling with these issues. I think that the most powerful part of Phil's post is his proclomation that we're all crazy. I truly can't agree with him enough when he says that a major step in your recovery process should be the attainment of someone that you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with, and perhaps more importantly, someone that is willing to tell you theirs. I've personally found that the insight into the everyday struggles of others can oftentimes be infinitely more cathartic than explaining our own.

I understand that finding a companion to do this with is going to be an extreme challenge for you, but you could perhaps make it one of your long-term goals. I might suggest first starting with messaging a few people in this thread. You were brave enough to start this conversation, and it has gotten likeminded people to chime in and thank you for doing so, and also offer their support. I would urge you to message someone who you feel may have gone, or still be going through, similar issues to yourself. I think you may find yourself empowered to not be alone in the struggle.

Otherwise, I think it's great that you're starting to exercise. Like everyone else, I think that you should really aim to eventually get to a gym, but I understand that we don't share your fears and that this is infinitely easier said than done. And please, don't listen to those that would advise you to get off of your current SSRI treatment. These drugs really do save lives.

I feel for you DB, and I hope that you start making significant strides soon.

Best,
Mike

Forgive me for what I'm about to say...

I would feel horrible too. So why don't you go get a job? At this point, it doesn't really matter what job you get. Push pallets around a Home Depot. I mean, honestly, flip burgers at Mickey D's if need be. That will do two things:

1. It will make your mom feel better. She won't be working six days a week and see you lying around.
2. It will make you feel better because you've manned up and are helping out.

In many ways, the actual money you bring home won't be the big thing. What will matter to both of you is that you're out pushing on the cart too, right beside your mom.

All the other stuff: friends, dealing with your depression, coaching poker, whatever - that stuff can (and definitely should) go along in parallel. But it feels to me like you getting an honest work-a-day job will be a big step for you and a huge emotional relief for your mom.

Regards, Lee

P.S. And until you have that job, do everything in your power to help her out. Cook, clean, take out the garbage, give her foot rubs, etc.

DB, I very very strongly recommend you go out and find work that involves some, even if minor, interaction with people.

However, if you can't do that, a little google search turned up www.leapforceathome.com The job is basically doing Google searches of various kinds and rating the results and you get paid like 12 bucks an hour and you work on your own time so it will not get in the way of getting another job.

It does sound very tedious and repetitive but I promise making any money at all to help out your mother will make you feel better.

People can pretty much stop writing in this now since its obv DB is back on the grind with all the HH's he's posted. Might be the wrong decision (imo), but gl anyway and hope you crush again..

^Who are you to say to people to stop posting here? It's obvious the problem isn't solved, so if anybody has any input of any sort, they should post it here...

agreed, there's guaranteed to be others in similar situations to DB's who are going to benefit from people posting advice here.

I too think that getting some sort of job is a great start. It would solve so many of the inherent problems here.

Working at a golf course, or a 7-11, or a home depot, or anything would allow you to help your mom out with the bills. Also, working jobs like these is a great way to interact with people, and it almost happens without you even realizing it. You end up conversing with coworkers about anything, whether it be the weather or complaining together about some nuance of the job itself.

Peope outside are not out there to judge you. Even though it may seem that way, its not the case. Taking that first step outside, that first step into a potential job application, is so huge. Once you start doing something like that, you will probably look back and laugh at how easy it seemed.

Writing an actual list of what you want to accomplish each day, as I believe jman said first, seems like a tremendous idea. Start small, make it realistic, and start making progress.

DB,
I hope you've already started to try out some of the good things mentioned in this thread. The sooner the better...

To easier make things happen, its good to set up a schedule for your days. It may sound silly but I think a very good way is to writing a diary, in which you every night before sleep write down all the good things you've done that day, and then write down your plan for tomorrow. You can start with small things and make it a MUST every day. When you've done it for 3-4 weeks, it will become a habbit. You will gain self esteem, self respect and pleasure.

Also, think about if you didn't had lost those money. What would you want to do outside of poker? Poker is not ones whole life... you must decide what other things are important to you and well, try to do them. There must be other goals or other dreams in life which you wanna fulfill. It's good to think about and concentrate on those things for a while. Remember that poker is fun, but it doesnt make you happy long term. And whats more important in life than happiness? Imo, True happiness is shared and that wont come from nothing else than more social activity. I really hope you will make progress here.

Thanks everyone else for good posts... im in a similar situation myself, but of a smaller version tho' and I also get the feeling of being ashamed, unsocial, generally feeling down. But the more I try to work on and do the things thats really make me happy, I'm getting closer to soul peace...
good luck DB!

I'm finishing the hands on my stake and deciding what comes next afterwards. In the mean time I'm coaching for a bit of money and I've applied for a job at the site Grizy posted since I'm home all day and that $12/hr could help my mom out. If people wanna keep posting things, I'm gonna be reading them and it may impact me more than ya think.

Thanks,

db

Just wanted to say it's really great to see that you're making progress. Keep it up.

edit: Also I think this is a great thread to keep opening / have people post in more if they want as DB isn't the first and won't be the last poker player to find themselves in a similar situation.

I'd suggest posting a coaching ad on 2+2. I'm sure plenty of people would be willing to pay you a lot more than $12/hr for your help.

GL with everything

hey sean,

Sorry to hear that your in this situation. Dont take this the wrong way, but you have to realize that youve been very fortunate at such a young age at one point. Im sure someone like you will bounce back in no time.

Im sure you remember, but weve met about 2 years ago, you werent even 21 at the time. I was playing ssnl while you were at hsnl/shot taking the nose bleeds. you have no idea how many people envied your situation. I thought I was in a good spot, finally making 6 figures by the time i was 21, but your situation just blew me away...

My point being, if you were there before, you can do it again. Its been a few months since i moved to vegas, hit me up sometime! Are you 21 yet? or turning 21 soon? Im moving abroad to play online in january and will probably do XS before i leave. come out you hermit

20 in January. As soon as I'm willing to see sunlight I'll give you a ring. Thanks

it's absurd how young you are (i mean this in a good way)

+1 yes it is.

my life sucked balls social-wise and in many ways until i was like 21-23...being under 20 is not fun in my opinion.

DB, you really have the best years ahead ainec.

rgds,
ssplo grandpa

Regarding the baby steps advice earlier in the thread... you could consider making simple, daily posts in this thread describing what you achieved today and what's your goal for tomorrow. I understand if you feel that's too private, but it might help in making progress while not getting overwhelmed by long-term goals.

That said, sounds like you're really making an effort, hope you get the job! It'll boost your self-esteem even if the money isn't great.

Any chance you're fluent in some language other than your mother tongue? I did some freelancing for a translation agency that works online through a client, you d/l files, send them back > profit.

When you develop the courage, try initially walking, exercising, going out at night. By doing this, you will once again realize the beauty of fresh air, etc. And once you can get comfortable with this, you may potentially gather the courage to try going out near sunrise and hopefully eventually transition it into all times of the day.