So a few years ago, my buddy and I were in Vegas for the weekend. I called up the pops to make plans for us to get together on Saturday morning for breakfast. He
really wants to go to the Green Valley Ranch for the breakfast buffet for some reason.
Nether my friend nor I are really up for a buffet, and besides, I hadn't seen my dad in six months and a buffet is a really terrible way to have a meal with someone you haven't seen in a while. Half the time, someone is up getting food while the other is eating. A great way for buddies to have a gorge fest, but not a way to catch up. This doesn't matter to him though, he's dying to go to this buffet! He's going on and on about how awesome their buffet is, and it's a great price.
I'd eaten at this buffet a few times and never found it anything special. Not bad in any way, but also certainly not deserving of the glowing recommendation that my dad was suspiciously blessing it with. I'm thinking, does this guy own stock in their buffet? Is he getting kickbacks for promoting it? Wtf is going on?!?
So we meet him there around 10:30 (prime buffet time. You get the end of breakfast and the beginning of lunch. Pretty standard move, yes?) and begin to walk towards the buffet together and he says, "Hang on. I'm going to play a little video poker for a minute." I ask him if he wouldn't mind waiting til after the meal. I mean, I hadn't freakin' seen him in half a year. But he then explains that on Wednesdays, if you earn 100 points on the machines, you can exchange it for a free buffet. (zomgzomgwtfbbq free buffet!!!) Aha, so this is why he wanted to go so badly. I ask how long it'll take for him to rack up 100 pts. on his card and he says it should only take a few minutes. (insert irony foreshadowing music) Oh, and bear in mind the buffet is $6.99. I repeat, the buffet is $6.99.
So we go with him to a VP machine. He sits down, inserts his player's card, pop in a $20, and gets to work. We stood behind him and watched as he lost almost every single hand. Seriously, only a few times did he get a winner, and only hands like a pair or 2 pair. It was a quarter machine, and he loses this $20 in about three minutes. He sheepishly hit the button to show how many points he'd earned so far: 35 points. Yeah. He pauses for a moment deep in thought, weighing out the situation. He then reaches into his pocket for his wallet and pulls out another $20. This buffet is $6.99 by the way.
My friend and I glance at each other, pretty unbelieving about what we're witnessing. Before he continues the abuse, I tell him that I actually think I can get comps for all three of us at the BJ pit, no problem. He keeps repeating, "No, it's cool. It's cool. I'm almost to the 100 points," inserts the $20, and we're off.
Somehow, nearly mathematically impossibly, he loses this $20 in less time than the first one. I've seriously never seen someone run so bad on a VP machine. It was just ugly. He hits the summary button: 60 points. Now, determined, he reaches into his pocket and whips out another Jackson. I implore my dad to let me get us three comps for the buffet, but he says that he's so close to the 100 points that it would be foolish not to go for it. He inserts his now third $20 and gets to work. Have I mentioned that the buffet is $6.99?
My friend and I are in shock. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I look over at my friend, and he is doubled over, paralyzed so hard with laughter that he has tears streaming down his face. This third $20 ends up going the way of his previously fallen brethren. My father, now down $60, hits the summary button: 95 points. So close!!
Out comes the wallet, out comes another $20.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
$6.99 buffet.
It's no use talking to him at this point, he's going to get this free mother****ing buffet if it kills him. I mean, if you don't have your principles, what do you have? My friend and I are absolute messes behind him. It was just about the funniest, most heart breaking thing we'd ever seen. I tell my dad that he needs to check the points summary every couple hands because as soon as he hits 100, he has to cash out. He promises that he will, and ends up losing $10 more before he finally hits the glorious 100 points mark. I tell him, "OK. That's it. Cash out NOW, let's go." Beaten and broken and down 70 bucks, he cashes out his remaining $10, grabs his card, and proceeds to the player's club booth.
Now, with the air of a cocky ass balla, he slams his card on the counter and says, "One free buffet please," grinning ear to ear, like now it's his turn for the sweet, sweet glory of his free goody.
The man takes the card and swipes it.
click clack click goes the keyboard.
Man: "Hmm, it looks like you don't have enough points for a buffet."
Pops: "No, I definitely do. I earned them just now."
Man: "Sorry sir, it's showing that you haven't earned enough points for it."
Pops: "But today's Wednesday."
pause
Man: "Yes, yes it is."
Pops: "Isn't the Wednesday special earn 100 points for a free buffet?"
Man: "No, sir. It changed last week. It's now 300 points."
A little piece of my dad died right then in that moment. I told him to wait there with my friend, went to the BJ pit, and five minutes later came back with 3 comps for the buffet.
He didn't really have much of an appetite.
Now I know this story isn't that crazy $$$-wise. I know that much more has been lost in the name of trying to get a comp, or even a free drink. And maybe knowing my dad helps make this a lot funnier, I'm not sure. He's just such a mild mannered, docile dude and watching him get furiously beat down in his wildly passionate attempt to get himself a $6.99 buffet and ultimately be told he's only 1/3 of the way there, well, it remains with me as one of the most tragically comic things I've ever witnessed.