Well, it is a kid and his dream. Think the part of Martha's mom is stupid in retrospect. Just trite and dumb. Wil ll be totally changed. Might not even happen. Never liked it, shouldn't have included it.

Once the main character gets his footing, the rest is going to be really funny.

Like, one of Rodney's friends gives him a tip on a horse. Went totally well. I bet him, exacta's, trifactas, with all horses onelast bet, with all horses on next bet, $200, think I am going to win $20,000 when this horse wins! Then, what happens?

****ing hose falls on his own weight. Just before the finish line. My tickets are worthless. They euthanis the horse on the track. I am happy they did it. **** me again.

I mean, good story about the horse that falls right before the finish line, no? Euthanised on the track? It's a true story, by the way.

So, advice is to not make the narrator a loser at first.

Tell funny gambling stories first.

Then have him fail.

I mean, I could start the story with him winning some money at the Tropicana, then walks to the bus, and in that long hallway, he sees a women puking her in her purse.

And then, he wins a daily and sees a different woman puking in her purse.

Was saving the atlantic city Degen stories, tell his parents bring him back when a family member dies. Maybe I should lead with funny? Not the love story?

Are you a native English speaker?

LOL. I AM de captain.

Think I should have been funnier from the get go.

I'll rework it.

Start him as a winner.. Watch him turn into a loser.

Keep the romance as it is. He won't tell her how bad he fails.

You're writing needs a LOT of work. It isn't about making it funnier, reworking it, or starting him as a winner. Your problem is that you;re writing is nearly unreadable, doesn't flow, and doesn't really make sense without a lot of interpretation.

You desperately need to learn how to write a proper sentence. Once you can write a sentence you need to learn how to structure them into paragraphs.

He had match play after. Grinded it out. I mean, horrible awful day.

Going to casino's for free play. Grinding it up then hitting match play.

All day. Worked his ass off to get it. I mean, I can detail every spin an match play, but rather boring, no?

He went to 6 different casino's for the free play. Then the match play at 12 casinos. You want the bet at every place? I will detail it. Just thought be very boring....yes, wanted to show how important every spin was...

de captain, I disagree.

I think my writing is fine. Of course, my subject matter needs to be interesting.

This, by design is only first version. To quote Hemmingway, writing is rewriting what I have already rewritten.

It's my first go around. If totally boring an uninteresting, with no hope of being good, let me know.

De Captain, if you see any hope, would love you to PM me. If not, just tell me I suck.

Shocking.

What has every single person who gave you feedback in this thread said about your writing? That it sucks, and its hard to read.

No, you're not.

You suck.

Very sad De Captain.

Sorry your don't like it.

Instead of being constructive, you are just mean.

I'll follow the work my emmy winning college professor taught me. Needs rework, no question. Instead of helping you are mean.

Taking my ball and going home. Post your own story. See if it is better. In 3-5 months, this will be a great work. Could have been with all your feedback.

That was hardly mean (well, OK, I guess the last one was a little mean, but you did ask him to tell you if you sucked), and there was some constructive criticism, but apparently you didn't like it.

I don't even know what to say to this. You've been told by multiple people that your writing needs work, but you think it's fine. OK.

Leaving that aside, I'd suggest reading dinopoker's post again, and following his advice.

like i said, his format works fine for graphic novels... really your only chance at this smudger

I'm an English Prof and a writer....if you enjoy doing this, finish it. **** the haters. Anyone can begin a story....it takes balls and discipline to finish one.

Is that what you'd tell one of your students if they turned the OP in as their assignment? What grade would you give them? Did you enjoy reading the OP?

Okay I read the whole thing this time. It's not bad, but it's also not great. Somewhere in between though, which is fine for a first draft.

If I were your editor here's what I'd suggest. Take the story you're trying to tell and insert it into a scene with two characters having a meal at the diner. Then instead of making the narrative the main story, have it as the back story. Kind of an Elmore Leonard type of story. Then see where it takes you.

Quick example just for fun:


So again this is art so it's all point of view, not saying my take is better than yours (well, structurally it is, but that's something you can easily improve on), but as I read your story this is what I kept seeing in my mind. Plus it works as a way to tell the kid's story but make it part of a larger arc and not get lost in the first person narration.

Take it if you want, and if it works out and they make it into a movie with John Travolta as deCaptain and Zac Efron as Smudger then throw me a jelly down the road. Or not. But either way keep at it. The only thing that should stand in your way is a blank page.

(Love that name for a character, by the way. Smudger. It really works. If you don't use it, I'd like to.)

Actually, I may have to keep that first paragraph, it's kind of good, lol. But you're welcome to the rest.

I'm guessing the professor won an Emmy for Outstanding Hairstyling for a Limited Series or Movie.

I notice that you didn't actually critique the writing.



Also, dino's story and Smudger's story have very little in common.

I feel like writing a good poker novel in this thread.

The Sklansky brothers can shill it right on this sight!

Maybe at first glance.

No, you're Smudger.

Because English lacks a vocative case, you should set off the name of the person you're addressing with a comma, like "I AM, de captain."

There are tons of things like that in there, where the reader has to do the work to process what is meant rather than it being on the page. Rather than a thousand readers doing the hard work to process stuff a thousand times, do it once in your own head and set out on the page what you mean.

That you can't do that well doesn't mean you can't put books out though. One of the top 20 selling British novelists of all time, Catherine Cookson, pretty much couldn't speak standard English and her books were proofread by her husband who was Oxford educated - of course he wouldn't have been able to write the direct speech the way she could. Hire a proofreader.

He's not at the point of "turning it in" yet. He's exploring. Experimenting. I'd tell a student to keep doing what he wants - find his story in the writing. But it's not a college paper and you don't write a novel like one, anyway.

...So?

So... he specifically asks if it is any good.

It doesn't matter if it's any good...that's the point. He's not at a stage yet to make that determination. He's just writing what he wants...no rewrites, no revision, no real thought....he's just having fun.

So he should just continue doing that.