dont forget the soccer, beer, and school picnics

You guys were never teenagers?

But that shame and guilt is imposed by the religious system. If OP no longer considers himself Catholic/religious/theist then he is free of the shame and guilt.

OP, go back and re-read what Klompy, James, and Slickpoppa have written. There really is very little if any benefit to creating a confrontation over something that, even in a religious family, won't come up very often. It'll come up a hundred times more often--with no positive outcome--if you decide to force the issue.

I was raised in a very cult-like religion that has some pretty whacky beliefs, practices shunning, etc... Most of my extended family are members. I thought long and hard about coming out to them and finally decided that the cons far outweighed the pros--in fact, there really weren't any pros. Now they worry about me because I'm obviously lapsed, but at least they're still allowed to talk to me and my daughter, and they can console themselves with the thought that one day I'll get my act together and come back to the flock.

Yeah this confused me as well. How could you not tell her before you married her? That's pretty dishonest and ****ed up imo.

Pretending to be something you're not, be it through omission, "30 seconds of closing your eyes", or talking to an imaginary friend in the sky for the "sake of your family" spits in the face of everything my family has ever taught me. We're honest to one another. This is complicated, and occasionally it's messy, but it's genuine. I respect my family as people and I respect their intelligence; Me trying to pat them on the hand and tell them I believe in fairy tales is a level of condescension I could never stoop to. Still, my parents aren't pathetically weak, nor do they adhere to illogical delusions, so I guess I just feel sorry for you if yours do.

I never went through anything like this myself, and to be honest it is very difficult for me to relate to what it must be like for someone whose family is very religious (like the kind that disown their children for being gay; not saying yours is like that).

BUT, if you're open to some free advice, if I were in your shoes, I would attempt to show them, rather than tell them. As others have suggested, you stop going to church, you don't pray, but unlike at least one other post itt, I wouldn't suggest you lie about it if they confront you. No reason not to tell them the truth. I bet you $1 they will assume that you are going through a phase and wlil come around eventually. That seems to be a big thing with the Catholics -- "Oh yeah, kids and their atheism! But just wait, once they have kids of their own, they'll come back!"

I would avoid trying to explain your reasons, and play it more on an emotional level. No one wants to hear that you think their beliefs are silly, but most people can understand, if not relate, to "it does nothing for me, so sitting there feels like a boring waste of time, and I'd rather be home playing Wii."

This seems like the best way to do it.

I was. I felt the need to shout my beliefs from the mountaintop. I was under the impression that OP was a grownup, and was directing my advice toward him. I would also give the same advice to a teenager, but I would not expect him to listen.

James

I wasn't talking about your response to the OP. I was talking about your response to the person who's little brother felt the need to pwn his parents.

You are overdramatizing the situation beyond belief. So you are suggesting that you never, under any circumstances, tell a white lie? Your parents ask you what you did last night, and you say, "Well, Susie and I went to a movie. Then we had dinner. Then we came home and watched episodes of Mad Men, Season 1. Then Susie went to bed because she was tired from work. Then I surfed the internet for about half an hour for the perfect piece of internet porn - I wanted a blowjob video shot from below but was having trouble finding it, so I settled for the Katie Holmes scene from "The Gift." Then I went to bed."

Not telling them this would be lying by omission, imo. I wouldn't expect that your parents are so weak that they would not understand the truth of the situation!

Closing your eyes for grace at their house is like the most harmless white lie of all time. If they ask you if you believe in God, by all means, say no! But going around telling them everything you do or believe is A) Overkill B) Unrealistic and C) Not a favor to them, anyway.

James

as others have agreed, this is solid.

I tend to disagree with the "just avoid it and pretend you're religious" contingency, although I'm sure that's the right approach depending on the situation. context ftw.

this is a completely unfair statement give you know nothing about the OP's family and background. i am an athiest myself, but aggressive atheism that you are preaching is counter-productive. phrases like 'pathetically weak' and 'illogical delusions' achieve nothing. I'm sure OP wont worry about you lying awake feeling sorry for his parents.

I agree with most of the other posts, there is no real reason to 'come out' to your parents if its only going to cause them worry and heart ache. By the time people are in there mid twentys above, their belief structure is pretty much set. I assume your intention is not to try and change their beliefs but just make them aware of your own. But to what end.

No need to get into it, if you are close enough they probably know anyway.

my parents are quite religious and they know about my atheism and we have a lot of debate, but not to the point where it is detrimental to our relationship. thats the main thing imo.

Oh, my bad. I agree with you here. I am not judging his brother at all for that. I completely understand why he did it. I was just saying that I didn't think that example was one the OP should use as a framework for how to approach this situation with his folks.

James

I'm sorry if it came across I was talking about this specific family. I wasn't. To me there's no difference between closing my eyes at grace and confirming my parents' belief that santa claus is real. Sure it's okay to play pretend with children but I would feel guilty perpetuating that kind of delusion.

I agree with the take-it-slow approach. That's worked with my family.

Right, see, my wife and I agree that we won't tell our kid that Santa is a real person who lives in the North Pole. This seems like purposeful misleading that I personally don't agree with. But if my kid was going to go to a friend's house where they taught their kids to believe in Santa, I would tell my kid not to say anything to the contrary. I wouldn't tell him to lie if he were asked, but I would try to teach him that what we believe is something personal, and not something that we need to shove down everyone's throat in an effort to be a know-it-all.

James

****in blackberry dupe post

I see a pretty key difference between allowing strangers to believe whatever they wish and caring whether my parents believe in something that's not real. I respect the people in my inner circle, despite the fact I couldn't care less about most people outside of that bubble.

so, i deliberately went away for a little while to let this thread develop organically.

To the "don't say anything" crowd. You aren't really understanding the situation and are wrong. This isn't the kind of thing where I can just say "oh, i didn't go to church this week, didn't feel like it, etc.." I can't beg off church when I visit them. If I say i don't feel like going, they'll immediately question why. They/we have regular conversations about prayer and jesus and everything. I am very much unable to simply ease into not seeming as religious. Not happening.

Basically, I have to tell them. I'm not going to go through the whole charade of going to church around them and talking about god with them for years and years to keep them happy. And easing into not going to church around them is only going to immediately make them ask "Why didn't you go to church this week?" Unfortunately it's not an option.

My goal isn't to make them feel stupid or prove I'm right. It's just to let them know. I'm their son and they are my parents, and we're close. It's something they should know about me, basically, and I don't like lying to them.

I took more of James' approach. I never went and had a talk about being atheist/agnostic, I never felt that there was any reason to. At the same time, I never lied or pretended I was someone else either. When they asked me things like going to church with them I simply turned them down. Eventually they got the hint.

While they aren't super religious, I did do all the stuff as a kid like go to church, sunday school, catechism, first communion, etc.

We for sure won't be having kids for at least 8-10 years, and maybe never.

If we did, probably not.

Oh ok, yeah I agree with that.

+1

You have the perfect situation to do what I described. You WANT them to ask you why you didn't go to church last week. That's my point.

Only read OP, I don't see why this is a big deal. If you just stop practicing they'll catch on that you aren't hardcord, and there's nothing wrong imo with keeping up family traditions with your family even if they are religious and you are not (i.e. midnight mass at christmas or whatever).

This will only be a problem
1) If they notice you've stopped drinking the kool-aid and begin resenting your wife for it, thinking it is her doing; or
2) if you have kids and they get upset you aren't indoctrinating them the way you were indoctrinated, i.e. by sending them to uber religious schools/camps and ****. You can still have the kid baptized and the like I would think, those kind of things fall into the area of religious but also family traditions.