Why do you breathe? edit: ok, that was a little mean.
Look, if everyone tells you that you suck at posting, writing or communicating via this internet doo-hickey-thing-a-ma-bob, then maybe there's something to it?

I swear I don't say this with any malice - but after reading your posts I think that a Chernobyl-baby with stubs for arms would do a better job of getting its point across grammatically/typing-wise. Shux, at least it might use spell check (doesn't your browser have it built-in and put little red lines under all the things you type that aren't really words in English?). And as far as your predicament of not being able to tell your family that you play poker, have money or do anything besides play video games - well, that's just beyond sad. And again, I'm not saying these things to be mean. I'm willing to consider that you live in some tiny little Texas town where you've spoken to more cows than people and graduating top of your class meant you could find your school in the middle of the pasture. But here's the truth...

YOU'RE DOING A HORRIFIC JOB OF POSTING AND YOUR LIFE IS SADDER THAN A LIFETIME MOVIE NETWORK MINI-SERIES. Please consider catching bullets for the US Army in Iraq, as it will afford you the opportunity to see how the other 99% of people in the world live. You will be enriched beyond your wildest dreams.

I will transfer you $35 on PokerStars for it.

What is "plp"? Polyp? Plop? Peolple?

i admit that iwas critiziteing u becuz ur poastz r so herd too get thru and they r all tuff to reed... the plp her r way lesslikly to likk u when ur poztz r so dificulltt so pleez try todo beterr becuz its soo badd that i can harly imigin that it iz an aciddnt. itsajust rood to com her and ask for advise and plp try 2 hep u but then umake poss affer poss that r juss so hrd too reed udot even car about real addvise on who too yuse yr card and then mak anthir post lokkingg fr morr help and then wee giv you sugistin to make yur posd mr redablew plez but yu donnt even sem 2 car witch iz jusst rude. evirywon on her postz somwat kohairintlee withc iz won waay to shhow u arnt a moran and allso is just polight but u dont seme 2 carr and ithik tat is juss rood and also meks u lok stopid.

wow microbob how long did that take you?

itt wus purty tuff becuz i kepp acidntllee rittinng the werd korecctly.

Translator, obv.

(actually, that one gives text that still is MUCH easier to read than OP's and Microbob's amazing attempt to communicate with him)
Classic. Just pure genius.

Here's my post translated into redneck on that site:

i admit thet iwas critizitein' u becuz ur poastz r so herd too git thru an' they r all tuff t'reed, cuss it all t' tarnation... th' p'p her r way lesslikly t'likk u when ur poztz r so dificulltt so pleez try todo beterr becuz its soo badd thet i kin harly imigin thet it iz an aciddnt. itsajest rood t'com her an' ax fo' advise an' p'p try 2 hep u but then umake post affer post thet r juss so hrd too reed udot even car about real addvise on who too yuse yr card an' then mak anthir post lokkin'g fr mo'r he'p an' then wee giv yo' sugistin t'make yur posd mr redablew plez but yu donnt even sem 2 car witch iz jusst rude. evirywon on her postz somwat kohairintlee wifc iz won waay t'shhow u arnt a mo'an an' allso is jest polight but u dont seme 2 carr an' ifik tat is juss rood an' also meks u lok stopid, cuss it all t' tarnation.


and here it is in jive:


i admit dat iwuz critizitein' u becuz ur poastz r so's herd too dig dru and dey r all tuff t'reed... de plp ha' r way lesslikly t'likk u when ur poztz r so's dificulltt so's pleez try todo beterr becuz its soo baaaadd dat ah' can harly imigin dat it iz an aciddnt. Man! itsaplum rood t'com ha' and ax' fo' advise and plp try 2 hep u but den umake poss affa' poss dat r juss so's hrd too reed udot even wheels about real addvise on who too yuse yr card and den mak andir post lokkin'g fr mo'r help and den wee giv ya' sugistin t'make yur posd mr redablew plez but yu donnt even sem 2 wheels witch iz jusst rude. evirywon on ha' postz somwat kofrointlee widc iz won waay t'shhow u arnt some mo'an and allso be plum polight but u dont seme 2 carr and idik tat be juss rood and also meks u lok stopid.

just noticed that I didn't change 'ask' to 'ax' which really should have been an obvious one. Oh well.

Man you are good! Now you qualify to date his sister (he claims they're not married)!

$60 for the card if you get your sister to poast in here

Wow for some reason this thread just made me really depressed.

so glad i clicked this thread

This thread is ****ing priceless. That's all I got to say.

**** u all

i dont want to seen another post inless u are seroius about having ine if mine two gift cards. i would like the money transfered onto stars. the highest bidder as have now as made a offer for 80 bucks for both of them. im willing to sell them sepeate or as a package deal.

and for everyone info im an college dropout i got a high school diploma so and im not a redneck like eveyone thinks. i just dont give a **** about gramar and spelling on the internet. ithought is was where english comes to die.

As you so eloquently demonstrate.

The Zoo never disappoints.

banned daily at 8 pm thats awsome good for u

OP,

You suck at life so hard.

<3

wow

lmao

This thread should be moved to the Beats, Brags, and Variance forum. Come on if this isn’t a beat I don’t know what is. The kid can't spell or use close to correct grammar, has no car, lives at home, and seems to be on pace to stay a virgin till at lest 40.

I have no idea what this says, so I can still post in the thread apparently.

Also, earlier in the thread, I was thinking about posting that you could use the gift cards to buy condoms, but apparently you have no need for them.

Maybe you could use them to take a girl out on a date. Nah, probably not.