today i went to work and i did my job to the best of my ability. determined to stick at the gym i went and did 40mins my arm hurts from lifting weights. i think i pulled a muscle and i got a one-to-one personal trainer tomorrow. im still going to go.

went to poker and was on tilt because i just didn't care about plying right so i just burnt £40. not even a bad beat just through it away. didn't find any joy there. now im at home its 11pm here, i can't think what to do. life is so so demoralising. i honestly cant talk or think about anything else other than how life is so utterly absurd. maybe you want to talk about the weather or your sports team i just do not give a flying **** sir! dear god!!!!

so let me tell you a story i walked in on my partner having sex with another guy. he was all dressed up in drag, nurses outfit and all. make up and all on.and i don't want to do this anymore. its like i'm 4 steps away from you know...you know the thing i cant say.

**** i really hate life so much.....

Robin,

You went to work, went to the gym, AND went to the casino in the same day? Banner day imo.

I don't know how to tie in the partner story at all to this post so I'm going to intentionally ignore it. Don't kill yourself, I enjoy your posts.

Your friend,

wombat

I did someone sports betting as inspired by that the ad in OOT by true locks or something. Opened a William Hill account and made bets on the world cup.

so i invite everyone to add to my bucket list,

1. learn guitar and be a rockin-rolller
2. learn make up
3. write a book
4. get big...i mean HUGE at the gym and eat eggs eggs and eggs.

Go back to your "the old snit" or "the big snit" or w/e it was avatar.

I've been at the gym since end of May and I have not got any bigger. WTF am I doing wrong. So last night I did 50mins intense weight training and ate like a mofo.

Today I had 1/2 cup of oats, 2 eggs and water for breakfast

now I just a a bag of nuts, banana and a tuna salad. (full tin of tuna)

then something else at 1 today, like chicken/turkey

later at home I will be eating a steak diner with a high carb protein shake...like wtf..........****fgj=-o43

lol whats the whole thing about getting big?

Since I can't afford a flashy sports car I can at least get bigger to make up for my ummm. ...u know lack of manliness.

It feels like I need 100k to get my life going. But then I think well what would I do with 100k other than play poker and piss it away, I honestly can't think of anything. I don't understand people do you guys get up every morning go to work, hate work, go home to your wife eat food, play with the kids, watch tv and then have sex/sleep? why the hell for? don't you find it so boring?

i would really die than do that BS.

The highlight of my day was watching the traffic go by and thinking about the King of hearts!

I do not want to do this anymore. I don't see the point **** me who the hell wants to do this crap! I try and stay positive but can't do it for very long becasue I'm reminded of the job I have which is every ****ing day of my ****ing worthless life. My GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! It sickens me to tears because I don't want anything but yet work like a monkey in some stupid office. My heroes are elliot rodgers, james holmes, the zodiac killer and the like....werid?

lol dude your mood changes are funny but kind of scary

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so the book I'm going to write about its called "I'm writing a book so I can make some cash so I can stop working" with a an under title of please buy my book.

I spent weekend cycling and hitting the gym and trying my hand at make up. I'm terrible at the make up thing. In fact I'm pretty useless at most things.

Today I was at work and I could barely stay awake I never drink coffee at work but I needed to something so I made a big coffee, black like my soul no cream or sugar. Then I forced myself to do some soul crushing boring dumbass paper work. I need to quit my job as soon as possible cause I honestly felt like I was going mad. My head started to twitch like it didn't know what to do. Its time to be honest here with my life and how it is going, I think it would be alright if I had money or a source of income from a job that I like doing. this is the problem I can't think of anything. I don't have any skills and I'm not creative is like I'm doomed to waste away at some office job pushing paper around. I don't get home to 6 and I feel like the day is wasted. And thats how it feels, a waste of god dam time for what....because I don't feel like doing anything at home other than gym.

Because i spend so much time at work it blanks my mind when I'm not working because I have nothing to talk about it because I don't have any fun stories to tell or any interesting things to say. so when I socialise outside of work its like I'm a god dam stupid statue smiling like a jack ass but yet inside I feel dead and angry as the hulk. Because I'm not smart enough to make money any other way and thus prevents me from living life since it is spent locked up in some ******ed office for the best part of the day. and this is beginning to take its toll on me, honestly fear for others when I get bigger. I could literally smash some randoms face into the ground but I probably can't even do that so now is the time to laugh at me......ha ha.

I'm broke now I spent like £100 on make up, £80 on a guitar and I don't use either is ain't that totally ****ed up. And I'm not genuine either because I can recognise what others need so I can easily say what it is needed to make them feel good but inside I feel like I could rip there head clean off their shoulders. so if I be honest I get angry and say nasty things if I don't do that I tell white lies and tell people what they want to here. It gets boring because I'm torn in every conversation either be honest and be an ******* or be fake and feel dead inside.

I'm at home now and I feel better because I'm alone from others, just all by myself there are no problems now. but tomorrow...**** god dam bastards tomorrow I got to do this **** all again, so the question how long can I hide my feelings from others before I blow either a mental breakdown or getting into a fight.

but whats the point in you reading this, you will go on with your life and whatever and well....you know the rest. always an out. time for gym

Keep it inside . Others catch whiffs of my sourness on the job, and it doesn't provide me with any real release. That's the thing. Keep on gyming for stress relief , and keep searching for meaning : ) gl

I was on Roaccutane at the age of 16 for 6 months. I have never felt normal and have a lot of problems thinking correctly. I'm basically a 30 year old kid. I had a nervous breakdown and Psychotic break in the last 4 days but this has been building up for years. I'm scared and seeking help. I'm on drugs to help with my nervous, depression and to help me sleep.

I'm sorry for all the stupid threads I made and how selfish I was before. It was pure poison that I was feeding my mind and now I have 14 years of old negative thinking to get rid off that has lead me down this dark path. I'm scared what is happening to me, writing down here knowing that you guys are reading this is actually helping me. Now I see that you guys where trying to help me get better I just wanted to prove a point that life was not worth living but I was so wrong and I'm sorry that I played those mind games on you but really on myself. Today is the first day of my life to look at life with great possibilities.

I broke down on Friday and went into work bursting with emotions (20 years worth of emotion) I said I wasn't happy with the job and that I needed to think about what I want to do with my life like wanting to travel and write, to be honest it was all a blurr can't really remember it all or how it went down but I know I was breaking down. She give me 2 weeks off. Later that night I started to see and hear things and became paranoid, tension headache like never before and nervous as all hell. So I drove down to A&E at 3am and was told to come back at 9.30am. I couldn't sleep so I drove all night not knowing where I was going and thinking some rather strange thoughts about god and life and myself. It was so unreal. I felt like everything was speaking to me, the radio and the book I pulled over to read it was like I couldn't stop myself from thinking. When I saw the psychologist at 9.30 I explained everything to her and was the most honest I ever been with anyone in my life. I told her about me half walking out on a job, about me telling my mum and dad that I was unhappy with my job and thinking dark thoughts, then they split up that day and my dad was barred from going to house, then I broke up with my partner all this was coming out of me and I could see I was acting like a child crying and breaking down. I have so much fear in me over the last 4 days. So much pressure. I have lived alone for the last 10 years not really speaking to anyone but myself in my own mind and head. Constantly thinking about life and its problems, I was really stupid before but I want to change today is the day of change for me.

Now I want to change but 20 years of telling myself that I'm weak and worthless is a big challenge for me and I need professional help asap which I hope I get. I believed a lie for 20 years, thought nothing but dark thoughts, faked being happy, having a split personality, a people pleaser so that I felt had some self worth and was useful.

Gawd!! I see now I have so many problems...and I'm scared because for one I can't think straight and had lost my grip on reality. I doubt myself I can never make up my mind...so indecisive, can't concentrate and can't find joy and whatever joy I had stopped doing it like playing poker. This is the worst day of my life and the best because I can now change my way of thinking. But I'm hurting really bad because I cheated myself out on a happy normal life. I blame myself and I need to take responsibility for my life and actions from now. There was a change in me when I was on those drugs as a kid at 16 and its just now that I can see how dumb I was and hard I was on myself and these feelings of hate for everything because I was self projecting my hate for myself.

I can't shake these feelings right now but I will.

The next day I went to my place of work it was Saturday and I knew no one would be there. I had chocolate to knock the edge of the nervous so I started to write down positive affirmations over and over and over and over and over if anyone saw me they might think me crazy well I was. I then tried to record these positive affirmations onto my iPod but I couldn't get it to work. I realised that I had spent the last 14 years telling myself I was no good and wanted to reverse this by using positive affirmations.

I just cant be alone right now I need the knowledge that someone is the house with me doesn't even have to be same room or even talking to me, but knowing that they are there is keeping me calm and so is this telling you guys even if you don't respond. I have never been so nervous in all my life it felt like my brain was shutting down and there was nothing I can do about it. I started to forget simple things like where I parked my car and any loud noise sounded like a nuke going off in my head.

But there is a positive I realise what my dream is. Its to buy a vauxhall campervan so I can travel and write hopefully with someone and hopefully with money in my pocket. This feels good to get this out of me, I feel like I'm really living for the first time all be it a rude awakening to what I had become. Now I can stop with all the games and all the BS.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all that, I went through similar when I was younger, so I know it's difficult. I can't really say what you should do, but I've always felt that it was best to just go for your dreams and see what happens. Good luck.

Glad you finally had a moment of clarity, Robin.

Unfortunate that it happened in difficult fashion, but it is still a net life positive that it did occur.

Today I got up at 10.30am made myself cereal and breakfast juice. Played chess for about am hour or so got bored. Decided that I had to get out of the house and with people again. As I reflect over the last week how easy it would be to slip into madness. The echo from the another person makes sane a person other than that the only thing left is the resonance of one owns mind and it sounds better in the mind than it does out when one utter to speaks the thoughts. The very fact that another person is there, in the room affirms what is happening and removes a sense of self doubt.

I'm on the floor as I write this. Most soothing thing ever. I lead a simple life or at least I try to it gets complicated. Can't help it!

I don't know why I do I just do things. It doesn't work out but that's life.

Sometimes I think I'm right about my conclusion. At the end of the day I just want the madness to end.

I'm trying to fit in, when I don't want to fit in. I'm working for money I don't want. And I wonder why my life is messed up. I spend most of my thoughts of how do I get out. To escape. But here I sit. When I join in, I feel disjointed. But what does it matter I'm just one guy. A guy with no dreams. Here I sit lend me your ear and I will tell you what it's like. It's a cold conversation.

It's not an argument. It's a feeling. A feeling we all have. A feeling that can't be explained but a word like void is good or empty.

I ****ing hate life so much.

I don't belong here. Can't sing. Can't dance. I'm the exact opposite of the hero.

Oh yes you can.

Embrace watever this 'madness' is, but not to any real extreme.