Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
Looking for an answer

Bliss is a rather nice place to be.

It wasn't always like this. Let's have a very brief conversation about some components of mood disorder/mental illness.

Despite living through abject hell, I barely can remember what it was like during the worst of times. I know where I was, and what I was doing, but I cannot perceive how much of it felt. Fortunately, if needed, I have 40,000+ posts to sift through to begin its understanding.

Even hardcore anxiety, something I once planned to write at-length about, is like a fever dream at this point. I remember the headaches, I remember my psyche feeling engulfed by flames, and a strong urge to kill myself.

But the long periods of severe depression that preceeded the anxiety are a mystery, perhaps thankfully. I know it was extremely bad, the hippocampus is important and mine was likely torn apart by a pharmaceutical. I remember making a 4L thread about 6 years after the onset, asking if I had been brain damaged. My condition, I likened it to, having been struck in the back of the head with a sledgehammer, not knowing it happened, being misled by absolute foolish doctors, being lied to by the people closest to me, while trying day and night to figure out what had actually happened to me.

Mental illness is torturous. It is worse than prison. I would definitely go to prison for life to avoid my previously felt condition. Absolutely, without a doubt, and with a huge smile on my face.

While I felt alone, I was not. Something like 30% of teenage girls, and 12% of teenage boys, suffered from major depression in America as of 2020, according to a chart I saw on X. Even more haunting, the girl's line was growing exponentionaly....

Something has to change. Sick people deserve better across the board.

If I was God, outside of curing everyone, I don't know where I would begin fixing the epidemic. I would probably make psych drugs free, and easy to get. I would provide a ton of extra welfare for people burdened. Maybe I would build elaborate Thinking Centers where people could congregate and hopefully learn to out-maneuver their situation.

Beyond that, it seems hopeless. And terribly sad. I'm extremely lucky to no longer be burdened, perhaps just as lucky to have only a small memory of how it felt.

I was crawling in the dark, looking for the answer.

Meanwhile I was busy playing millions of hands of online poker, learning how to think critically; how to line up thoughts in sequence; how to process events in the present and plan for the future; a dozen tables, thousands of hands per day, hour after hour, I combed the fibers in my cortex and weaved a beautiful garmet that kept me out of poverty, and saved my life.

If you think I'm bluffing, I assure you I'm not. The proof is right in front of you. Sift through my older posts and you will see something dark, and strange, diminish over time as my writing ability improved and I learned how to socialize.

I wonder what the future holds for me. I know with geometric certainty that it will be incredibly interesting. I'm still finding myself improving in all areas, my headaches have diminished to 1/1000ths of the discomfort they used to cause. I still get small bouts of depression, it feels more like "being in the struggle" than needing medical intervention.

But I am no longer glued to the past, something that dominated my thinking going back to when I was a child.

And each day that passes I get a little bit stronger.

And a little bit more tired of the status quo.

I know I'm the Hero of Time. I've seen it in the stars, everyone may know this to be true some day.

An artist with no hands, A thinker with no brain, an Elvis without a guitar.

I will find a way to change the world like no one has before.

The academic subject I was most fond of growing up was Physics.

I vividly remember the first day of class Junior Year.

It was my first time performing a thought experiment.

Our wonderful teacher, David, placed two fishtanks side by side with equal levels of water.

He placed a toy boat in each, and held a rock in his hand. He then asked, "What will happen when I place the rock inside the boat, compared to placing the rock alone in the water?"

We voted. Accelerated Physics, lots of bright kids. It was an even split; I don't believe I was on the correct side -- I hadn't used my mind in this way before.

Take a guess which aquarium had the higher water level comparitively:



I was mystified.

(Phew) For a minute there, I lost myself.

Definitely weight. In zero gravity the rock would displace its volume.

Ike gets flamed for wearing a hospital mask while playing poker. Pokernews has even chimed in with a negative opinion.

If you are against people protecting their own health, and preserving that of others, you are an imbecile and I kindly ask you to stop reading this blog.

One bagel = fine
Two bagels = 3-day colon cleanse

Funny how that works.

I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
I want to go home
Cause when a lover aches
That's when a lover breaks
I want to go home

Spaceboy you'll kill me
Before I'm dead and gone
And any way you chose me
We won't belong

Apologies for the psychotic Private Messages. There were a lot. I was remiss.

Built with stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest

To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure, or is this a disease?

space is pretty vast. I’m sure there’s a lot of space people out there.

I have been suckered into buying this game.

I can't believe I was once in love.

Never again if I can help it. But what a ride it was.

You're guilt-less and free, I hope you take a piece of me with you.

I have less talent for chess than SBF did for League. That hurts to think about.

At least I'm smarter than him. You will not find an "allow negative" function in this blog.

Oh man...

Just something f^cked up to ponder on...