"Lock my seat": I already hit the withdrawal limit on my ATM card, but I may have a Visa that I can scrounge a cash advance out of.

"btw, its PLO and no one is ever that far ahead or behind usually": I got it in bad every time.

"I couldn't fold, I had a big draw": I called a two-spade, paired flop with 43 of spades after 4 players went all in in front of me.
"I play more hands, because I can outplay my opponents post-flop": I play way too many hands pre-flop and get pwned post-flop.
"I'm all in" (in a limit game): I have no pair and no draw but had only 2.5bb left in my stack at the start of the hand and decided to gamble.
"Dealer, what time do you push?": I play bad but prefer to blame someone else for my misfortune.
"Cocktails!": Losing three racks goes down easier when I am plastered.
"You play that garbage?": I play that garbage, too.

"I'm priced in, I call": I'm getting 3 to 1 so it's profitable for me to call 10% of my stack with ATC

"I have position, so I can't fold this": I have no idea what position means but I'm using the fact I'm on the button to justify me calling with trash

"Do these 25's play?": After getting felted, I left the table, locked my seat, donked around at a blackjack table, and got lucky and won another buy-in.

"Nice catch" you drew out on my 72 suited that flopped top pair after I limped preflop before taking 2 more bets to the face.

"Deck Change": I've gotten stacked twice in the past twenty minutes not due to poor play, but because we have been playing with the red deck rather than the lucky blue deck.
"Give the Deck a Wash": This room uses automatic shufflers, so I can't ask for a deck change for superstitious reasons.
"Seat Change": I'm sure playing J3 sooted will work better from the #4 seat than it has from the #8 seat.
"Raise It Up": I'm going to raise on the button in a $1/$2 game to $7 when four players have already limped in because I'm sure that will get the pot heads-up.
"How Good Is Your Kicker": I have top pair with Ace-deuce.
"Two Pair": There's a pair on the board and I paired the lowest card on board OR there is two pair on board and I have an Ace or King in my hand.
"Same Bet As Before": I want to give you even better odds than I did on the previous street to hit your draw on me.
"I Couldn't Fold That Hand-It's Just a Cooler To Lose": I called with two pair on a paired board with four to broadway and four to a flush.

that's really funny

.

"I want to see that hand": If I could engage in elementary hand-reading and range analysis, it would be perfectly clear what that guy had, but since I can't, I decided to slow up the game to obtain information that I won't use.

"I'll see your bet.": My poker experience is limited to playing Follow the Queen.

"I'll see your bet and raise": My poker experience is limited to playing Follow the Queen while drunk.

"Coffee and two waters, please.": I'll be here all day and only want to tip once for service.

"Floor!": I need someone to explain why I can't win without the best hand.

"Red deck on Table 1.": "Seat 1 just shoved the ace of spades down the rake hole."

"Protect your hand, sir": it sucks that i mucked your hand that you wanted to play, but really, putting your cards out beyond the betting line with no protector and not responding to my 4 inquiries as to whether you want to fold while you are busy checking out that girl at the 4/8 table is basically asking for it.

How do you raise with 78?: I'm a total passive tool who can't see past raising only premiums, and was totally caught off guard by you hitting your hand and your deceptive playing.

STROODLE: I have only played live cash a handful of times, and still find straddles as new and interesting things.

I call that bluff:
A. I have the nuts
B. I'm actually totally convinced that no one plays real hands.

C'mon, what's the hold up? (coming from the man not playing): I'm convinced one day I'll win the BBJ, and I want it to be some time soon, as I'm old and will die some time in the near future.

I had to call, I had a draw to the nuts!: I hit an inside straight and feel it necessary to explain myself at the poker table because I know I didn't have the right odds to call, but did anyways because of my horrible gambling habits.

Can't fold two pair, it's usually good!: please take my monies all night long!

"Short buy!": I've decided to lose my money in clumps of 10bb rather than 100bb; also, the ATM machine declined my withdrawal and this is all I have left in my pockets.
"Did the lady come and scan the cards yet?": my wife expected me home an hour ago but I want to make sure I get 50 cents of additional meal credit before I leave.

"I have jackpot hand, I call": I can't lay a hand down regardless of the price I'm getting.

"Come on, you guys both have the same hand!" (said in a heads-up limit pot during a raising war by someone not in the hand): you may or may not have the same hand, but I'm too impatient to wait 45 seconds or a minute while you properly bet your hands out to the cap / put one of you all in and therefore am going to pressure one of you to call even if it causes one of you to miss some bets.

"Thank you." [said by a dealer after pushing a $940 pot in appreciation of the $1 toke] == "What a frickin cheap bastard!"

(kidding dealers )

haha, At a charity room 1/2 game I actually had a dealer sarcastically say "gee thanks" after I tipped her 1 dollar for a ~400 dollar pot. She proceeded to complain to other players, who agreed that it was insulting to tip just $1 and that it was "like tipping a waitress a penny". I stayed silent and pretended not to hear them talking **** about me right in front of my face. Guess who's never getting another tip from me?

/derail

Throw a second $1 chip, say "here's my two cents then", proceed to never tip again?

That is completely unacceptable.

"Chips!" My wife is going to kill me because I went over my stop loss again.

some of these are absolute gold and very true!


"XX never loses!" XX loses about 80% of the time against a normal stack-off range

"Let's gamble!" I have the nuts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XunAlp2azhA)

When someone leaves broke and comes back they ahve always just won their buy in at blackjack when really they have dont their nuts at blackjack but don't want to appear like they are losers.

people who tap the table - I just got really lucky playing like a complete spazz or I just majorly coolered someone.

'Nice hands' - I'm a moron who can't see that it is not a nice hand when you ahve kings and the other guy has aces.

'I'd never ever call clock on anyone'

I should be able to look sadly at my ak/kk/ big hand etc for at least ten minutes with no intention of ever calling wasting everyone's time.

'I think it is immoral to not do a bubble deal. We've all been playing too long not to cash.'

I am playing my case money, am really short stacked and want to emotionally blackmail the cl who has been taking risks whilst I've been folding to accept a bubble deal.