Officer Sullivan
The wheels of my 2002 Hyundai Sonata were spinning westbound on Interstate 94 when one of the blue meanies on wheels appeared in my rearview mirror with his red and blue lights flashing bright as fireworks in the sky on hot summer day.
It had been a long while since I was driving anywhere with contraband and this god damn pig had definitely caught me driving dirty. In fact, I was all torqued up on adderall. The officer was definitely going to notice my dialated pupils and if he paid attention in any of his drug education classes he would surely know I was on some sort of upper.
This would lead to him asking to search the car and when I refused he'd just make up some lie like he smelled marijuana. Then, he'd search my 2002 Hyundai anyway, which would lead to him finding a mass quantity of drugs and I'd be back on my way to jail quicker than a sex starved poker player table switches to the table where an attractive woman showing off her tits is sitting.
Luckily, I have a few friends that are police officers. So, I know the best way to get myself out of a ticket and situations like this. The first thing you do is slow down and make sure the swine knows your'e not going to make a run for it. Then, you pull off on the right side of the road, roll down all the windows, kill the ignition, and place both hands on the steering wheel.
You then wait for the officer to approach the car and ask permission to open up the glove box or center console to grab any items he may request. I did all of the following but for some strange reason I forgot to turn down the radio.
As he approached my vehicle the first words that barreled out of his mouth were...
"What in the fukk are you listening to? Turn that fukking radio down."
"Soul Clap," I said. "That's a remix of a song called Extravaganza. It's about a man meeting a beautiful woman, taking her back to The Embassy hotel, and having a one night stand."
"Well, where I'm from we call that pussy ****e," he said sternly.
"And on top of that, with the way you're dressed, I don't think you're going to be getting laid anytime soon. What the fukk is with those American flag pants? You look like a queer son."
"I am on my way to Las Vegas to win The World Series Of Poker." I replied.
A thunderous roar after laughter ensued from the man with a shiny gray name tag that said Officer Sullivan before he said, "Doesn't that cost $10,000.00 to get into? I have friends who play poker with good jobs, they can't afford to play that event. Where are you getting the money to enter?"
"I've got people all over America cheering me on Officer Sullivan. They have been wiring me money, paypaling money, meeting up with me at casinos giving me money, and I also have some money of my own." I explained.
This time the Officer decided to take a knee like a boxer who was crippled from a Mickey Ward body shot. It looked as though he couldn't breathe, he just kept laughing. Finally he said, "I'm not even going to ask you for your license, registration, and insurance. I'm just going to let you keep talking. I've got another question for you, do you have any drugs in the vehicle?"
"Why?" I asked. "Would you like to buy some?"
Now the officer was bracing himself with the roof of my vehicle as he laughed hysterically and exclaimed, "Well, at least you're not a liar. If I took a look at your driving and criminal record what would I see?"
"Multiple felonies, countless misdemeanors, and probably at least one hundred parking tickets. Everything is paid for, though and I am off of probation. I've been a perfect citizen for ten years Officer."
"You mean you haven't got caught for ten years you piece of ****e. I told you not to lie to me."
The scene was tensing up and it seemed the officer was done having his fun with me. Then he said, "I just got one more thing to ask you son, out of everything you ever done wrong, what's the one thing you regret the most?"
Now, the obvious answer was to say, "Getting caught." But, took the time to reflect on my life for a few moments and decided to tell the truth.
I said, "I was in 5th grade. Anderson Elementary School. I was walking home to my condo on Harrison street and I watched a boy named Brad Connelly be white washed and pummeled with snow balls. Over and over. I just sat and watch as he cried. I did nothing. It ended up being his little sister that stopped the bullying. The worst thing about it Officer, was this boy used to be my best friend in 1st+2nd grade. I'd go over to his house and his Father would make me toy robots out of wood. His Mom would feed me home made cookies. Then I started to play hockey and make a new group of friends, Brad and I drifted apart. When he got picked on, I did nothing to stop it. That's really the only thing wrong I've ever done that I'm truly sorry about."
"Wow. That's fukked up son. What's your name?"
"Justin," I replied.
"My name is George, sorry I gave you such a hard time, I sort of did the same thing to one of my friends in high school. I never realized how wrong I was to do it until now." Said the officer as a cloud of remorse hung over him.
"I also cheat on my wife. I probably don't even deserve to wear this badge."
I could tell this man needed some consoling, so I replied, "Don't say that Officer, you're only human, we all mistakes, besides... she's probably cheating on you as well, it's a virtual guarantee if you see her using the computer often."
The officer stood still, looked off into the distance, took a deep breath and said, "You're probably right. I still love her, though. I wish we could communicate and make love like we used to, everything is just so stale. The marriage is nothing more than a rotted out carcass we dress up just to make look alive to our family and friends. It's sad."
"Have you ever tried MDMA?" I asked.
"No. But let me guess, that's probably the drug you're transporting in the car isn't it?"
"Yes," I replied. "I think I should give you some for you and your wife."
"So, I guess you realize I'm not going to arrest you." He said. "I think you serve a higher purpose, but if I'm wrong, you'll never make it back to Michigan from Las Vegas in this piece of ****e Hyundai anyway."
I replied, "You're probably right Officer, so what about the MDMA, would you like some before I go?"
"Absolutely." He exclaimed.
"May I step out of the vehicle?" I asked.
"Figures a piece of ****e like you would know to hide the drugs in the trunk. We're only allowed to search the wingspan of your arm length on the interior of the vehicle if we lie to the courts and say we smelled or saw contraband. Most dip****es don't even take the time to transport drugs properly. I've got high hopes for you in The World Series Of Poker kid."
As I rummaged through my viking helmet, pony stick, squirt guns, uncracked glowsticks, animal masks, and a plethora of other off the wall items one might need for a road trip across America I finally found the vitamin bottle that contained a few grams of the wonder drug.
I handed it to the Officer and said, "Here, take it, this is all I have."
"Well what about you in Las Vegas?" He asked.
I assured him, "Don't worry, I have more that's going to be mailed into me. I had planned to use what I just gave you in Chicago, St.Louis, Tulsa, and Alburquerque, but it's clear that you need it more than me, your marriage is on the line."
"Any advice for when me and my wife take it?"
"Yes." I replied.
"I recommend you take it at a concert, it will enhance the sound and you'll feel mass amounts of euphoria as the show goes on. After the concert, definitely rent a hotel room. Do not take your wife home under any circumstances. Women are always apt to do more erotic sex favors while in a hotel. For the longest time, I couldn't get my girlfriend to let me facefukk her. Then, I took her to Atlantic City and by the end of the first night she was lying on the bed, flat on her stomach, head up, as she was reached back with her arms holding her ankles to give me complete control of her mouth. Then the next time we rented a hotel after that, she let me video tape it."
"My God. Are you fukking serious?" He shouted.
"Yes." I exclaimed. "Now go home, find a good concert that's coming, plan the night out right, and fukk your wife like a pornstar. You're a cop, you should be able to think of some dirty, sick, twisted role playing fantasies, bring the handcuffs. I've got a friend who is a teacher, he still makes his wife play show and tell with her pussy once a week."
"Jesus son. I think I might drive home right now and bang my wife on the clock." He said.
"Now you're thinking Officer."
"Well, I guess this is goodbye, is there anywhere I can follow your journey?" He asked.
"Sure is..."
https://www.facebook.com/Lotgrinder?ref=hl
https://twitter.com/Lotgrinder
