good luck. I recognize some parallels between my feeling and your feeling about the whole job/poker world, so I will definitely be following.

Had a look at hand 6. I think if you have some stats on V it is possible to optimize it.
Bigger raise pre. As big as possible to stay in a HU pot. And if V has a tendency to reraise with TP or draw, then I would have shoved the flop.

I Feel Sick

I had a pack of chicken that had to be eaten today. I also had some tortillas, so I decided to buy some ingredients and make chicken burritos and nachos. I got some refried beans, cheese, sour cream and made my go-to homemade guacamole (this easy/awesome recipe: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9...unky-guacamole).

I decided to have 2 tortillas and skip the rice coz **** it, so I guess there's a chance I technically didn't have burritos, but instead some chicken&bean wrap kind of thing. But it was mexican to me and I enjoyed it, although I realised shortly after I ate too much and have been uncomfortable for the past 3 hours.
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Poker has been much better, the changes I have been making are definitely paying off. I'm still not running great, seems every time I'm dealt KK I'm up against AA, and it doesn't help when they bink their KK vs my AA. But overall I'm good.

I'm playing much better, my results are improving, my stats are improving and I'm more cognisant of spots where I can take down the pot or get more value. I'm paying much more atttention to bet-sizing, and it's working great. Sometimes, a fish bets a really strong hand small which has caused me to make some costly mistakes, but they are rare, and I'm getting increasingly aware of when those situations are occurring.

Note to self: You need to trust yourself sometimes more. Everybody really does have betsizing tells. Don't attack weakness too often or with bad hands, but don't feel the need to defend hands for gto/mdf reasons when they rep strength.
_______________________________________________

I played today and lost. Was I think my first losing since making these adjustments, but I actually was still really happy. The session sucked, nothing really went right for me - y'all know the type; KK in a 4bp: Axx flop, set over set, AA<KK, a lot of flop whiifing (and thus c/f'ing). I then finished my session by losing 1.5 stacks in a spot I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with (analysis to come).

I often have some general idea of how I did, and often I'm fairly accurate. Lately (and what has been triggering a lot of negativity and reduced confidence) is I've felt "I played well there, ran poorly, but won some stacks, I'm probably up a little or down a little" but I check my results and I lost 5BI, my wwsf was low, my cb was much lower than I expected, etc. However here, I though "man, I ran really bad then, and tbh, I think I misplayed a couple of spots, probably "**** it" cbet too much and with bad combos. I won a couple of stacks, but I lost a lot, and I c/f'ed a ton in 3bp", but I check my results and they were as follows:
* 220 mins
* 2100 hands
* -$19 (not even 1BI - I'll take that)
* 5BI under EV
* 46% WWSF (would have guessed way lower, maybe even sub-40)
* 58% cb IP (not great, but I did play a lot of mway pots etc)

So I'm actually pretty happy, however messed up that is. It kind of reinforces that what I'm doing must be working, and it definitely has given me more confidence ('even on my worst day, I only lose 1BI and im 5BI under EV, and my stats are still decent' kind of feeling).
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The Hand

Poker Stars $0.10/$0.25 No Limit Hold'em - 5 players - View hand 2673257
DeucesCracked Poker Videos Hand History Converter

UTG: $22.65
CO: $25.00
BTN: $25.14
Hero (SB): $53.12
BB: $38.67

Pre Flop: ($0.35) Hero is SB with K Q
3 folds, Hero raises to $0.54, BB raises to $1.60, Hero calls $1.06

Flop: ($3.20) J 9 6 (2 players)
Hero checks, BB bets $1.66, Hero raises to $5, BB raises to $37.07 all in, Hero calls $32.07

Turn: ($77.34) 5 (2 players - 1 is all in)

River: ($77.34) K (2 players - 1 is all in)

My Thinking:

* Preflop is std

* Flop is debatable. Given our stack depth, his 3bet size pre, and his cbet size on the flop, I assume he isn't strong. He may not necessarily be weak, but OOP with a big draw like this (and no Ahi for sdv etc) I decide to c/r. I like this more because I block nfds (AKdd, AQdd).

* I was lost thinking up optimal c/r size. My range is polarised, my value hands (sets, J9s if I have it) want to c/r big (to get value), but stacks are a little awkward if I do that.

Ideally, I'd be happy to c/r to $7, pot would be $17, he'd have $30 left. I'd probably want to jam turn, but I think this would be hard to balance, and perhaps taking it too far(?) An alternative could be to bet $10 into $17 on the turn, and jam his remaining $20 on the river into a pot of $37. I don't think that puts him into much of a tough spot with his range though. Thoughts on this spot would be much appreciated.

In-game, my time-bank drained and I mustered up whatever semi-respectable raise size I could come up with, which was ~3x (too small).

* He jams (this deep) and I want to puke. I originally considered folding, because I thought this would be a disaster if he had the nfd as well as all his value. Then I realised he probably doesn't have them (because of my blockers), and I have a ton of equity. I wasn't sure if my pair outs were live (I assumed probably not). It FELT like the call of a fish, and I'm still not sure if I'm happy with my call.

Analysis

* I'm getting 1.4:1 on a call. I need 41% equity to call.

* Based on preflop sizing, I tend to think he doesn't have a huge preflop hand (AA etc), but then again, I never expect such a huge afterward, so I can't weight anything significantly lower than anything else I'd say.

* my Kd and Qd are significant blockers. He may have AdTd, but that's about it.

* There's some chance he's spewing.

* vs a range of QQ+, 99, AJ, AdTd I have 50.38% equity. This doesn't account for any spazz factor.

* vs a range of QQ, 99, AdTd (assuming he 3bets larger with KK+, doesn't jam TPTK, and doesn't spazz) we have 41.42% equity.

Conclusion

All in all, I'd say my call is +EV. It is a spot where I perhaps would have snapfolded in the past ("I'm beat" not "how much equity do I need to call"), so I'm glad I'm thinking about making calls semi-deep with no sdv based on equity and not simply on what my hand is right now.

However, I am not 100% convinced that my c/r on the flop was best. I did have merit for it (albeit my assumptions on his flop size were wrong), so there's that. I ultimately felt I doubt I'd c/r AdXd here, so KdQd seems a great bluffing hand when I definitely want to be c/r'ing for value here.

Really interested to know your thoughts on all aspects of this hand.
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I'm Sorry

I'll make the next update shorter. I promise!

Think I'm Depresssed

Spoler alert: emo as **** blog post coming up.

I don't like to associate the term "depression" with myself. I think there are two types: "I am depressed" and "I have depression", and one is much more serious than the other. I also feel that often when people are experiencing the former, they label themselves the latter. I don't like that. I'm also the type of person who tries to not complain. I am very much "shut up and get on with it", but I'm starting to notice some things that's making me think I may actually be dealing with some sort of legit depression.

Basically, I've started to realise that nothing in my life makes me happy anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are good things in my life, but right now, I am only associating negativity with those them. For example, my gf is great but every time I see her I feel guilty because she is broke too (her income is covering our bills right now because I'm effectively broke). I love the house we bought, we made a great investment and the work we put into it has given us something to be really proud of, but it is a major reason why I am in this situation, so again it doesn't make me feel what it really should right now.

Whenever I think about doing something for myself (however small), I essentially decline myself it because I don't think I 'deserve' it. I feel I have gotten myself into a terrible situation, so I haven't 'earned' the right to do something good for myself. I obv can't really afford to either. The only real thing that makes me feel good is when I'm winning at poker, but that's no good because that is too volatile, unpredictable, and frankly, unhealthy. I have also not ran too good lately. I feel I'm playing well, but I'm like 15BI under EV in my last 3 sessions. This should not and must not be the only way for me to obtain happiness.

Another thing, since living with my gf, she's noticed I sleep a lot. Now, I'm not lazy, but she definitely doesn't see why I need to sleep so much. Tbf, I don't think she sleeps enough, but I have noticed that I find it really hard to go to sleep, and really hard to wake up. I have read that this is often a sign of depression too.

Saturday night, I had a late night (with some alcohol) and woke up early. I spent most of Sunday extremely tired and went to sleep at 9pm. I woke up this morning (Monday) at ~7am and was still tired. I fell back asleep almost immediately and woke up ~10am. I felt good, well rested from the night before, and by around 9pm tonight, I felt tired again so I went to bed. But I just couldn't settle down. After about 1.5hours of tossing and turning I decided to just get up and write this blog.

I also took a pillow downstairs with me and I'm considering sleeping downstairs tonight. I am not entirely sure why tbh, perhaps there's something subconscious going on. I just didn't feel comfortable in my bed with my gf. I know she has to get up early for work, and I was anxious about keeping her awake. I guess I also felt like I wanted to be by myself a little.

So, do you think I have depression? Or am just feeling depressed? Tbf, I do think money fixes all of these issues, so I'd guess I am just feeling depressed rather than having anything serious. However, that could just be the "shut up and get on with me" talking?

From what you have wrote here, it could very well be a depression, resulting from stress with poker. Probably not the worst possible case, but you also don't want it to become really bad. And poker is really really bad for mental stability.

Priority must be mental health. I do get feelings your describe. Most here, who played a lot do. A lot of it comes from poker. You can't connect your self-worth to success or not in poker.

I don't know how your situation with health insurance is. If you can afford to go to psychiatrist, just go and describe him the situation. I mean you really really really don't want it to slide down into heavy depression.

Right now I don't have the finances to be able to see a psychiatrist, but to be fair, I don't feel I'm at that stage yet. I think it's merely the continuous cycle of losing/being unsuccessful. I am generally a positive and easy going person, but even I can only take so much, and I guess I am approaching my limit. I do believe I can endure more than most, and I'm certain a lot of people would have quit before now. I'd say that is a good quality to have, but it can also be really bad if it causes you to stick at something you're never going to be successful at. Time will tell I guess.

Looking forward, I've decided to get a job, which I think will be good for me. It will provide me with an opportunity to take a break from poker, which may be what I need right now. I am swaying more towards full-time temporary positions, mainly for financial reason, which I expect will improve the mental issues I'm experiencing of late. By contrast, a part-time position would provide more time for grinding, but in terms of lifestyle, not much would change.

I applied for my first job on Friday. It's a full-time role for 6 months, which I think would be the ideal scenario. The money earned would give me and my girlfriend more financial freedom, and we can occasionally enjoy ourselves and be a little more social. With it being temporary, there should also not be a great deal expected of me. So hopefully, I can work full time, not overextend myself, come home and be able to put in a couple of quality hours in the evening. 6 months of full-time paychecks will also allow me to focus less on results and more on improving and working my way through the limits.

Unfortunately, there are not a ton of these "ideal" jobs around, so I may end up with something less idea. I will have to just make the best decision I can at the time. My priorities are to make enough money to take the pressure off (both financially and regarding my mental health) but still allow myself the opportunity to succeed with poker. Succeeding in poker is still my priority, so any job I get needs to not be too detrimental to that.

I will keep you all updated as and when things develop on this front as well as the grinding. I am not happy that I have to get a job, but I am mature enough to know I have got myself into this mess, and I am going to have to do things I don't like or want to get out of it.

Well said.

I like your thinking and your attitude. I think it is good basis to become happy. In poker or elsewhere. gl.

Fear

"The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself" - Franklin D. Roosevelt

During my run of poor results, I found myself struggling with anxiety to some degree at all times. Often it was ok, but it was kind of always there. It probably manifested itself into the low level depression I've mentioned in earlier posts. However, after some soul-searching, I think a lot of this has come down to fear, not only of failure but also what that represents.

Interestingly, I've always saw myself as level-headed and easy-going. I think I still am those things and often can poker fun of myself, and although confident, I would never have realised just how big of an ego I have.

During my (extended) time of struggle, I basically blamed poor results on everything apart from myself; i run bad, people are nits, I know too much high level stuff that doesn't work vs fish, blah blah blah. In reality, the evidence is blatantly obvious: I am not good at poker.

Even writing that last statement like that was a little tough. But it's funny, once I came to that realisation, I wasn't afraid anymore. I didn't have any anxiety, and my mindset switched more to "how do we go about fixing this?"

I think my ego was trying to protect me, it was afraid to admit that, in reality, I'm just not very good (for whatever reason), and I think the reason it did with that is because it didn't want to have to deal with "well what does that mean?" because in all honesty, that's a rabbit hole that can mess with anyone.

So yeah, I'm not very good at poker. And to some extent, that's ok. I am committed to being successful, I am willing to get a job to support myself financially and I am happy to have absolved the ego so I can just focus on succeeding. I have no right (or really, evidence) to suggest I "should" win, so I will not "expect" to. My aim is to improve as a poker player, and if I do, the results will speak for themselves.

Poker

So, things have changed. After a meh start, I kind of started losing a lot more than I expected to at 25NL. It was relatively a lot. I later changed some key issues (betsizing/getting value) and things significantly improved immediately. I then ran a little poorly and ended up down a further couple of buyins. I attribute this mainly to runbad because of stats, all-in EV, the way the hands played out, and the short sample size this occurred.

Regardless, my reason for playing 25NL was to regain my confidence. It hasn't done that. If anything, it made it worse ("you POS can't even beat 25NL" etc). So, I've decided to play some 10NL. I don't expect to be there long at all, but then again, right now I'm trying not to have really any expectations. I am just going to play until I feel comfortable playing 10NL and want to play 25NL. I am going to be much more flexible in the stakes I play and will go often on my mood etc. I am not going to make any money from poker for a while at least, so i don't need to be fearful of not making any money. It is simply another fact I've had to come to terms with.

I've played a few sessions of 10NL, and things went pretty well immediately. I won all my sessions apart from my last one, and so far, albeit a small sample, I do feel the game plays really different to 25NL. For example, at 10NL people are betting really small (often min) with strong hands (TP+), so I've costed myself a fair amount of buy-ins by adopting the Level 0 handreading approach that seemed to work really well at 25NL. A sizing tell I do still think holds true here is when people are weak but bet to try to look strong (betting a size to rep a hand that would never bet that size with that hand if they had it - if that makes sense?) So far, it seems my main edge is coming from getting value with my strong hands (TP+).

Jobs

I didn't get an interview for that job I applied for. They didn't provide any feedback. Kind of sucks because I was definitely qualified enough.

I spoke to a government worker who specialises in getting people into work and he seems to think it would be better to try to keep my poker career relatively discreet, even though my only alternative is to make people think I virtually have done nothing for the past 3 years. Let's see how that one goes.

I have applied for another 2 jobs, both for the same organisation (which I have worked for previously) and I am excited about them, particularly one which I am 100% qualified for. The pay would be good, I'd get a good holiday package and the contract is only 9 months, so I'd have a nice long window to rebuild and work out if I should keep pursuing poker. The submission deadline for that one was today, so let's hope I get some good news shortly.

Amazing update.
Even though i've talked to you plenty, when i read stuff like that i feel like you'd be an intriguing person to get to know even better.

"...and I am happy to have absolved the ego..."

You haven't. You've started. You're trying. It'll haunt you.

"...So, I've decided to play some 10NL. I don't expect to be there long at all,..."

See? There it is again, haunting you.

Best of luck!

In which country are you?
I am in Germany and now in the process of changing jobs. I don't know, how the situation on your job market is. For what you are applying and so on. But usually 3 applications are not enough. It is like playing 3 hands in poker and then deciding from the results of this 3 hands, how the things are. So don't be discouraged by not getting an interview in the first one.

Your qualifications for a job are only about 30% important for you actually getting this job. There are so many more factors, including the number of applications and so on. You not getting any feedback is also normal and usual. Imagine if they have 20 applications and reject 17 of them before interview. It would be just to much work for HR to give a feedback to 17. Besides at least in Germany HR is always afraid to say something for what they could get sued.

GL. I enjoy your writing.

Rooting for you OP. I'm depressed too. Knowing that someone else is out there being depressed is comforting to me.

I Got Sick

I never get sick. I probably haven't been sick to the point where I couldn't work for years. Around 8pm Wednesday, I started vomitting completely out of the blue, and this continued every 20-30mins until about 3am - not fun. I had minor hallucinations, too, which was kind of funny, and diarrhea, which was not.

I'm not sure what caused it. My first guess was from my grandad; he has dementia and has recently moved to an old person's home, but visiting was prohibited last week due to a norovirus (vomiting and diarrhea) outbreak. I went on Tuesday morning to see him, and apparently it takes ~2 days to start showing symptons once infected, which kind of lines up. But I went with my brother, and he was fine. My second guess was food poisoning from the pasta I'd just cooked, but my gf had the same and she was fine. Although, it was a really cheesy sauce, and ive had similar a similar experience in the past that I somewhat put down to the cheese board I consumed that night. I can eat cheese, but I guess I have at least some level of intolerance to it.

So I have woken up today (Friday), and I feel meh, but I am hungry, which is good I'd say. I only ate 2 bananas and 1/2 of a pineapple yday though tbf, so makes sense. I don't know what I'm going to eat, nothing right now is appealing, so I will see how that goes. Part of the reason of writing this blog is to focus my mind and see if I can grind today.

Poker

My coach sweat me on Wednesday, and he brought to my attention that I am giving up a lot of +EV opportunities preflop. For example, folding too much in the SB to limps (getting 6:1 on a call etc), and folding too many good/playable hands in BB to EP opens (vs small opens). I am going to make a conscious effort to put myself in more situations where I can make money.

I also timed out a few times, which isn't cool and notably aggravated my coach. Now, my coach is cool, I'd say we have a pretty good relationship, but he isn't the guy to go to if you want some sympathy or an ego massage, let's put it like that Don't get me wrong, I like that about him, I think most people could benefit from not having their ego massaged, and it does mean that when he does provide me with sympathy or praise, it means more to me. However, I think this demeanor makes me somewhat intimidated by him, particularly when being sweated, as I probably second guess myself in far too many spots, which takes up time, which leads to more timing out, etc.

Anyway, the point is, timing out costs a lot of money, and there's some evidence that under more stressful situations, I do it too much. So, from now on, I'm going to punish myself every time I time out. If/when it happens, I am going to immediately close down my session, open this blog and write something that eludes to the following:

"Timing out costs you a lot of money. You have been struggling enough as it is lately, timing out is an avoidable hindrance on your winrate. Playing the correct number of tables is an important part of being a professional poker player."

I may add the reason as to why I feel I timed out, and this may help. If doing this puts me on tilt, then I will just have to not resume my session until I feel better. The aim is to never time out, and I believe it's a rare thing, so this blog will prove if that's true.

Jobs

I have applied for quite a lot of jobs now, and I am looking/applying every day. I feel more comfortable applying for temporary/fixed-term positions rather than permanent, and there are a few reasons for this.

Firstly, I am still committed to playing poker for a living. So, by default, permanent jobs will invariably lead to me having to resign at some point, which isn't ideal. Also, permanent jobs tend to be a lot more time consuming and require a lot more commitment from the applicant. This doesn't fit well with me, who just wants a "nice and easy" job that supports me financially whilst I rebuild and figure out if poker is right for me. I don't want to be in a job with a lot of stress and/or tires me to the point I can't grind enough outside of my working life.

So the majority of jobs I'm applying for are temporary and ranging in duration from 1-12 months. Ideally, I'd say the 6-9 months range is ideal, but it's not that significant. I am today going to apply for a couple of agencies, which should lead to swift employment. These should work well with me, and they provide consistent temporary positions. For example, a friend of mine is working with one now, and he is just doing admin work in one place for 2 weeks, then next week he's somewhere else for a week, then after hes doing a month somewhere else etc. You are constantly employed, you are generally paid more than the permanent employees at each company, the work is easy (or non-existent in some cases), and because you are not there for long, you tend to be left alone and don't have any expectations placed on you by bosses etc.

Although that has benefits, I have also applied for jobs that are far more hands on, mainly because they pay better (without being too taxing) and involve work that I would somewhat enjoy doing. An example would be a 9 month position working for a local Cancer Services Department, ensuring that cancer patients are receiving their treatment at the right time. Involves data analysis and other stuff I've done in work prior to poker. The beauty with this is that, if after the 9 months is up I've decided to quit playing poker, I have a legitimate employment position for my CV, and the organisation may even be hiring for other positions.

Obviously, none of this is ideal, but it's an interesting time in my life for sure.

Yeah, I've applied for significantly more jobs than that now. I think I naturally "eased" into looking for work. This probably down to ego; I wasn't 100% ready to admit I NEEDED to get a job, probably because I wasn't willing to mentally deal with what that means. After accepting that getting a job is going to happen and must happen, I started applying for more.

I have had a few jobs before I decided to play poker. I think because I know how businesses often work, and how ignorant a lot of people are, I'm not entirely confident in finding work easily. I expect a lot of people will see that I've been playing poker for a living and think I'm "just a gambler", can't be trusted, etc.

Not only that, but it's been a few years since I've had a job, so I guess I'm a little fearful of what has become the unknown. I don't know if the boss is going to be an *******, or if just having a boss is going to annoy me, or getting up early in the dark/cold/rain to go to somewhere I don't want to be might make him unhappy. Part of me is also a little insecure that I'd be able to do a job well, but I think that's probably a fear that has no substance, especially for the majority of jobs I've been applying for. I have resilience and persistence going for me though, so ultimately I do know I will be ok.

Mental health is a very complex thing. I don't know what you're going through or if your depression is like mine or more serious, but I'd advise you to talk to someone if you start going down a negative path.

It may also be beneficial to write down everything you're feeling. It will help to just get things off your chest so you don't feel you're carrying that on your shoulders. Maybe write a journal or even start your own blog. Gl.

I've done quite a bit of coaching over the years, so i'll share my opinion:

If your coach wants to sweat you, then he has to set the parameters and make sure that you are comfortable. In that case, his presence shouldn't make you time out more, and if it did then that would be his fault.

However, if a student requests a sweat session, then it's the students job to make sure that the sweating works as a coaching session. That might require a bit of planning.
Many students request sweat sessions, and many coaches usually decline, because of exactly this phenomenon. It's very hard to play and explain and listen at the same time.

IF you do want to get sweated in your coaching sessions, then you should see it as a high pressure situation, and that's a challenge. It's like if you're a professional athlete, and every week you have to perform in front of an audience. It's not easy, but in the end that's where you need to excel in order to be successful.

My 2 cents about timing out:
Timing out is like having a black out and shooting the ball in your own goal. If you play poker in a way that there's a danger of timing out frequently, then you're giving up a fraction of your winrate with no gain.
It adds to tilt, it adds to stress, it adds to frustration.
It takes away fun, and focus, and control.
Timing out isn't good for you.

If you wanna play poker on a high level, then that's very similar to being a professional athlete. You don't wanna be the guy who's either doing great or doing really poorly, who either delivers or screws up and you never know which is gonna happen this time. You wanna be the guy who sits down and does what he's supposed to do, who's calm, focused and in control.
That definitely requires planning, and exercise.

Great adjustments. I'll keep reading.

What would be ideal?

Imagine that you actually like your job. Imagine that you have nice cool boss, who is not only pushing you in your job, but is also mentoring you. Imagine that you like to be in your job place. I mean I am not trying to persuade you to give-up poker, but if you have to have a job, you might as well have a job that you like. From what you write and how you write I am completely sure, you won't have any problems in working environment.

Don't put poker on your CV. I mean really. Think something out, what is more acceptable and common and stick with it.

I am clearly not qualified to give advice about poker. My hourly is something like 1 $ an hour. But with timing out. Haven't you tried to punish yourself by playing just one table? I mean every time you time out, to play next hour just 1 table. And have you tried something different than NL cash games? I mean probably yes, because it is impossible to play for three years just NL cash, but if not you could try out other variants. I play mainly FL micro stakes and sometimes NL tourneys. And I see that I play some spots completely different that a pure NL player. It gives you other perspective. It does not need to be FL, may be PLO or just other configurations. Just an idea.

Timing out costs you a lot of money. If you are timing out, you are playing too many tables. You are struggling - timing out is a significant negative impact on your winrate that is completely avoidable.

Reason for timing out: When I start a session, I basically join any table/waiting list where there is a known fish or a suspected fish (playing with less than 100bb). I then check each table and sit down when I like the table. As the tables increase, if a new table is great, i'd join it then pick a table to quit (on next big blind). As 10NL has a lot of these, I end up on a lot of waiting lists. I timed out because I already had enough tables, but 2 new tables came up at the same time, and I missed a hand which the new table was covering. I don't need to go to this extent at 10NL. Table selection should not cost me money.

Quitting to write the above was initially tilting. Writing it out feels good tho, it forces me to deal with my mistake, what it was, why it happened, and I can start to consider how to not do it again. The plan was to immediately resume my session and go back on some waiting lists, but I just got super tired, so I'm going for a nap.

I will respond to replies and supply an update soon; maybe tonight, probably tomorrow.

I never really saw it like this - that makes a lot of sense.

FWIW I like sweating as coaching sessions because the hopefully allow the coach to notice the things I'm doing wrong that I don't realise I'm doing wrong, and would never come on in a HH or DB review etc. But you're right, if the coaching session becomes about timing out, then what's the point (unless that is, the student always times out anyway and doesn't think it's a big deal).

Again, up until recently I hadn't really thought about it like this either, but more on that to come!

It would be ideal if I did not have to go and get a job.

Thanks. The thing is, I don't want a job, so I don't think I'm going to significantly like whatever I end up doing. I kind of see this as a means to an end, something I need to do in order to recover from a setback on my journey to success.

Not only that, but I don't think right now I am capable of getting such a job. I am not looking for a long-term position with any prospects (because my aim is to leave once I recover), so my future boss will not be someone who will invest much in my development. I'm ok with that, in fact it may be the best thing for me at this time. I also don't think many of those kinds of bosses exist, not really in my area anyway.

Maybe I just had poor experiences, but I worked through my education and even worked for a couple of years after getting my degree before I decided to play poker full time. My bosses were either relatively incompetent and uninterested in their own job let alone mine, or a complete *******s who couldn't see past his own ego to treat people with respect and decency.

Problem is, I've done this pretty much 3 straight years. I can't really make something up. I can't say I've had a job, they'd need references (proof). I can't say I've been travelling because I couldn't make up enough about enough places for it to be believable. I also can't say I did nothing, because I think that's much worse.

Right now, I have the attitude of "I have nothing to lie or be ashamed about. I'm going to just be honest. If they're going to be ignorant, then **** them, they probably aren't the type of company I want to work for anyway."

To be fair, all I really want is an easy office admin kind of job that is temporary. I'm completely overqualified for this type of position, but I lack recent experience and saying I play poker may help me ("he is obv overqualified, probably can't get a job he's qualified for because of this poker thing, so let's give him an interview and give him a chance. he at least is probably going to be smarter than the normal people we would hire for this role").

That works for me because I end up doing a job I can do relatively easy, and I am in an environment that isn't necessarily pushing me too hard, giving me the energy to work on poker when I get home. When I do get a job, I expect to wake up and go to my job, then come home, have a break with my dinner, then dedicate a couple of hours per night to poker (grinding/analysis/etc). I can then use the weekends to play as much as I feel it is productive.

A Weird Couple of Days

So after the ordeal of being really ill, I slowly have made a recovery to where I'm virtually back to my baseline levels in terms of health. The vomitting stopped, and the flu like symptoms subsided probably 24hours later, but I didn't really eat anything properly until Saturday night. When I ate, I enjoyed my food and ate a lot, but then after it I'd feel sick again. Slowly, that's also gone away, but although I'm approx "back to normal" I def don't think I'm feel "well", and now and then I suddenly get overwhelmed with fatigue and just need to lie down. I think I will be pretty good in the next day or 2 for sure.

Set, Setting and Addicted to Clicking

What a weird title.

So yeah, as you know I played a little yesterday. I still wasn't back to "myself" but I played just because I wanted to. It's weird, I haven't done that in years. I mean I kind of always play when I wanted to, but it's hasn't been the ONLY reason in forever. I didn't care if I won or lost, I just wanted to play, and make good decisions. It got me thinking.

For as long as I can remember, I think my mindset has been all wrong. I think I've been "addicted to clicking". By this I mean, playing a session where all I'm virtually doing is clicking. I always thought this was a good thing, and it made me feel I was in rhythm or even flow state. But I think this was an illusion. Over the years, I've had issues with playing too many tables. I think it spawned from idea that I "should" be playing a lot of tables because thats what the pros do. Also, the more tables means the more rakeback which offsets the runbad and somewhat regulates your income. Again, although my intentions were honest and my rationale had logic, I think I am missing the point.

This session yday, I didn't care about trying to maximise anything - apart from my decision making I guess. I didn't even really care too much about that. Well, I didn't worry about it anyway, I just sat down and did it. I didn't play too many tables, I didn't really want to. It was almost as if I wanted to play poker almost to relax. And interestingly, it was.

I don't even think I won the session, but it was different. I just had more time, I didn't care about winning, so i didn't care about my results. I didn't get paranoid about being exploited or whether the dude to my left was getting out of line. I just played my hands.

I think I've worried too much about being "efficient" and not enough about the overall experience. Humans aren't efficient, it's why we had 2 arms, and develop fat. We need a bit of slack.

I remember my coach talking about how he "just sits down, plays, doesn't think too much about it, just makes good decisions". I always thought it was kind of a nice idea and made sense given the stakes he plays etc, but in practice that was probably because of the stakes he played, and at my stakes it is more about just grinding out your edge rather than having a lot of really close decisions that require time and thus require the need to play fewer tables. But I'm starting to see that is just the optimal way (for me at least) to grind consistently.

I also remember him saying that you should never exert more than 75% of your effort in one day, because you leave yourself hungry to come back the next day and it stops burnout. I applied this theory to reduce the number of hours I played per day, but not how I played during those hours. So my rate/intensity didn't change, just my quantity. A better adjustment may have been to play the same hours but less intense. However it was probably best to play less intense and less hours.

Time

Time is the most important commodity.

That sounds kind of hypocritical after rambling on about the benefits of inefficiency above for so long. I realise I sometimes ramble in these blogs. I'm doing it now. But I like to sometimes do it this way as it brings a lot of things to the forefront of my mind that probably wouldn't surface if I had a more solid idea of what I wanted to talk about. Things I've already written in this update have been of a direct result of that for sure.

But yeah, time is the most important commodity. It is more valuable than money, because its the only thing you can't go and get more of. How we manage our time is important, and we want to maximise happiness above all else.

I used to take an approach of thinking; 'I want to play 6 hours today, so I am going to play between 10am-12pm, have 1 hour for a lunchbreak, then play 1pm-3pm, then have a longer break, eat my dinner and play another session say 9pm-11pm. If something came up and I didn't start my first session until 10:30, then I'd have to completely reshuffle my day. Again, I was trying to be too efficient. I wasn't even maximising my time, let alone my happiness, because basically I was working when I decided I should, not whether I actually should, and my breaks were ones that suited a structural purpose, not so that I could enjoy anything. I just waited around checking my watch until the next session was due to start.

Poker should bring you the life that allows you to do what you want, when you want. That's why people do it. It's why super smart guys choose this rather than working for a big company etc. They've found a niche and have worked "hard" (SMART*!) enough to live a pretty perfect lifestyle. Obviously, there is a lot of work involved in being a poker player, but it's always on your terms, and you work and work because you want to, not because they're paying you.

So yeah, my approach for the foreseeable future is going to just relax more and not be so stressed out about the things I can't control. It sounds easy and I once was like that, but I think the stress of losing and financial worries have made that impossible for me to sustain. The fact that I am getting a job is going to make it hard for me to get in enough hours, and there will have to be some compromises at times, but ultimately it is going to give me the financial freedom to enjoy my life a little more, and just take the pressure off the money for a little while. I hope that this results in a healthier approach to my life as a whole, but I expect it will also significantly benefit me in poker, which in turn will help me financially.

I guess I need to regain my trust in what I'm doing, but this feels like the start of another blog update, so I'm going to go now.

Ramble Ramble Ramble.

P.S. I just spent forever doing this update. I think its way over an hour, but I'm not sure - I wasn't counting. I wasn't very efficient, you could maybe even say I "wasted" my time because there are a million different things I could have been doing with that time that would have been more enjoyable and/or useful for me. But I wanted to do this blog update and process what is on my mind, and as result I came up with a ton of things that I think are really going to benefit me, and if I gave myself a time constraint or came in with a specific idea I wanted to talk about, then I probably wouldn't have made all this progress.

And that's the point.

What would you be doing with your life, if you had enough money? And how much is for you enough? What is your average hourly over three years? Did you in this 3 years ever take a break from poker for more than 4 weeks?

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Procrastination, Distraction and Time Wasting

Like many of you, I grew up with the mindset that hard work brings success. However, poker has taught me that that's not necessarily true. It's not about simply putting in the hours, and working harder than your opponents, it's more about working smarter. If a poker player works at 100% capacity and grinds as much as they physically can, they simply will burn out. The general idea is not to maximise the number of hours you play, but to maximise the number of hours you play your A game.

Here's an example to help illustrate my point...

There are two poker players, Adam and Brian. Assume they play the same stakes, etc. Adam plays 100 hours per month, and although he finds this a challenge, he feels lazy if he doesn't reach this monthly quota. He sacrifices social times in order to hit his target. Brian on the other hand, plays 50hours per month. He focuses on playing his A game as much as possible, is a good quitter, and doesn't play if he isn't feeling up to it. Sometimes, he will feel the urge to play, but will resist this urge if he is tired or not 100%. Adam plays 100 hours this month, but in reality, he broke even 1/2 the time (mainly due to play tired, tilted, or bored). Brian however, played 50 hours at close to his A game, and made the same amount as Adam. He's well rested, he doesn't feel burned out, and has plenty of time to socialise with friends and maintain a good life balance. Essentially, Brian wasted 50 hours of his life this month.

As you are complete independent and self-sufficient, you tend to deal with a lot of internal battles. You sometimes feel guilty doing something for enjoyment because you should be playing. You maybe are losing so you don't feel you 'deserve' the luxury of doing something for enjoyment. You maybe feel that time would be better spent working. This is bad.

I think the whole culture regarding time management and time wasting is a bit off. I feel that when you are doing something you enjoy, it has value. Any time that brings you joy cannot be time 'wasted'. The only time you 'waste' time is if you're either procrastinating, or distracted.

When something needs to be done, just do it. You may not enjoy doing it, but you need to do it for a reason. When somebody procrastinates, its because there is some weird game your ego is playing with you where, it doesn't want to do something it knows it has to do, so it tries to get you to do other things in an attempt to stop you from feeling guilty for simply not wanting to do it.

Distractions are a little trickier, because often they are not conscious decisions. You have to be self aware and try to realise when you are distracted, or subconsciously distracting yourself. Again, if you are subconsciously distracting yourself, it is for a reason, and very rarely is it a good reason, and ties in with procrastination in that manner.

So, if there's key points I'd like to try and get you to think about with regard to time, it's essentially:
* Working smart >Working hard
* Regardless of what you're doing, if it has a positive influence on your life, it is never wasted time.
* The only real 'wasted' time is when you do something that doesn't affect you positively.
* If you are procrastinating or distracting yourself, you are wasting time.
* Time is more valuable than money. You can make more money, you can't make more time.
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It is inevitable for me that, soon, I'm going to be faced with the challenge of juggling a full time job, whilst simultaneously maximising poker productivity as well as sustaining good overall life balance and happiness EV. Because of this, I've been thinking a lot about time management lately, and I think I've learned a lot about time in general and that often there's many misconceptions about time wasting and time management.

My job is more than likely not going to be overly inspiring, and I'm fine with that. It is also going to take up a considerable part of my day, which leaves less time for poker (which is still the main focus). Again, this is something I've come to accept, and is just something I'm going to have to work around.

Sleep is going to be vitally important. My day is likely going to involve working morning and afternoon, then working on poker in the evening/night. As a result, I am going to make it so that by the time I'm reading to work on poker, I am not too tired to perform well enough. If I cannot do this, then getting a job is pointless. So I am going to have to be well rested, and similarly, I am also going to have to pace myself in work where possible.

It is also important that I am efficient with my time, and can prioritise effectively. It is vital that I am self aware and can spot when I am procrastinating or distracted. A huge culprit for this is my mobile phone, and things like social media etc is something that does effect me positively, but is a very common tool used by my ego to procrastinate or distract myself.

Your ability to self reflect has surely taken off to another level from where it was when you first posted here. I could be wrong, but your last post, I thought was a good example of great self reflection.

I am firmly of the opinion that writing will develop anyone's ability to introspect better, in that, it erases a lot of vagueness when its on paper and you can arrive at a more concrete thought process to build on it. It could make it easier so to speak.

English is not my native tongue and I do struggle to put my thoughts across clearly, but I enjoy the process nevertheless.

Good luck.

Thanks - I completely agree. It was my coach who asked me to do this blog, and I think this is part of the reason.

I think doing something like this forces you to actually write down your thoughts. You can't just ignore them or put them to the back of your mind. It puts you in a position to examine yourself and analyse why you do certain things. I have definitely found this process very beneficial for my own personal development.