I will try to do this short but clearly. I really have nothing.
I grew up the wrong way and even though I don't want to admit it I've been dragging myself through life from my 15th.
I don't know exactly what it is in me, but I tend to **** up pretty badly.
And I don't have crazy stories about it. No crazy drug life, no wild parties or big dreams went wrong. I tend to hide from everything.

I'm 26 now and at an all time low.
-I have zero confidence
-I just got out of a toxic relationship
-I'm depressed
-I'm anxious literally about everything
-I live with my mother now
-Practically no friends
-I lost myself
-About to get fired
-About 10k dept
-Moving out October the 1st!

Yes! At my all time low I have to get over a breakup, move to a different city and get a new job all while being depressed and anxious!! Ain't life grand! I'm literally scared of ****ing everything. I can hardly sleep and when I wake up I feel my heartbeat speeding up, I feel the stress In my body and it's very hard to deal with.

But I don't write this because I want sympathy or pity. I just need this to get me motivated. I will however gladly answer any questions about my past or my situation. I know it went wrong somewhere in the past but I don't know exactly why. All I know is that I have to change myself completely.
This is probably gonna be the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I don't even have a solid plan yet. But when I move I'm gonna start.

First things first, graph:


Here are my goals starting October the first:
-Stop smoking
-Stop caffeine
-Find a new job
-Find a boxing school
-No more gaming..none!!
-Start poker again.(probably wont have internet anytime soon there)
-Get my paperwork together.
-Find new hobbies
-Meet new people
-Eat healty
-No more wasting time behind laptop or tv.


Ok so this is just a rough start but I gotta begin somewhere. When I read it back it looks a little extreme but it is needed. It's gonna be hard but I don't care anymore. Doing to little has made my life hard so time to do it differently.

I will update this thread regularly and I will go a lot more in dept on everything. Maybe I'll write the whole story about my past sometimes if people are interested. I just want out of this passive lifestyle.
Any tips or any help is much appreciated.

Alright, so I moved. Yesterday was the big day. So far so good. I got all my stuff here now. Still got a lot of stuff to do, witch is good. I hope I can keep myself busy for a long time and distract myself from well..myself.

No poker as of yet. I got internet via my phone. However, I did order internet + tv and this will be coming in a week or 2.
So for now there isn't gonna be a lot of poker talk here. I hope that's allowed for now.

The goals I set for myself are kind of hard and very black and white looking back. I failed some and I might change some. But I think it's important to keep setting goals. Even if I fail it will give me motivation and at the least it will change my behavior somewhat.

So far:

-Stop smoking
Failed hard! This is a goal not timed well considering all the other **** that's happening right now.

-Stop caffeine
Didn't stop completely but I skip days and at most it's 2 coffee/red bull per day. Going in the right direction.

-Find a new job
I made my CV and I signed up on some sites. I did apply for a few jobs via one site. But I need to keep looking and applying. But so far so good.

-Find a boxing school
I work from 12.00 to 20.00 at the moment and boxing outside those hours is quite hard to find. Will do this when I have a new job. Running in the meantime.

-No more gaming..none!!
But I love gaming This can't be done. But I wanna drastically cut back. Do the stuff I need top do first before I can game and even then I wanna keep it to a minimum. But Since my move I didn't game.

-Start poker again.(probably wont have internet anytime soon there)
Waiting for internet..

-Get my paperwork together.
Working on this. Bit to busy with my move at the moment.

-Find new hobbies
Boxing coming soon. Was also thinking about bmxing and playing guitar.
I will get a bmx or a guitar this weekend.

-Meet new people
Pfff. This one gonna be the hardest. I feel so bad about myself most of the time and meeting people is a difficult task for me. But I have to try.
First gotta finish my house though.

-Eat healty
Going strong so far but the junkfood is calling my name everywhere.

-No more wasting time behind laptop or tv.
Lol..no internet and tv. Easy:P



Alright! I actually took the time to update. It's a miracle for me.
I still feel generally like **** and I still got a long way to go for sure. But so far so good. In a way I was really scared about my move. Different city, empty house, all alone. But it's not so bad as my stressful mind thought it was. First priority now is getting my house in order. After that I really need to find a new job.
My ex works were I work and it's a situation I need to get rid of. All those old memories that resurface every time I see her. Yuck. I'm having a hard time deciding whether I miss her or hate her. ****ty mixed feelings.

I'm still anxious and scared but whatever. So far so good. I'm still breathing and I'm taking the steps I used to avoid the past 10 years. All in all, it was a good first 2 days

GL with your journey and goals dude

Will be following

Best of luck to you

Gl op

Hey bro,i see that you have same problems.Good luck and you should never quit cos quiters never win.

It's hard to do this. I don't even know what I have to write. But just going with it is the best way I guess. Yesterday was a hard day. A month or 2 ago after I broke up I had a conversation with my ex. We ordered some bottles of vodka together and she told me she wanted to give me half of them. Her birthday was coming up so I told her she could keep them all. She said no, I said yes and this went on for a while. She's very stubborn. Anyway, it ended with her keeping the bottles. But yesterday I was unpacking some boxes and guess what I found?

I talked to her yesterday at work and she also said she got me a present for my new house. I hate it that she is so sweet. How the hell am I gonna get over her?

I did some work in my house yesterday. Was really tired but I did it anyway, witch is new for me. So that's good. Also went for a run after that. No gaming, no waisting time. So I should be happy. Still feeling like crap though. I hate this feeling. Anxiety 24/7. But **** it. I'm not stopping anymore.

Tomorrow I'm painting my house. My brother is helping and pretty much my only friend. Gonna be fun Also need to buy a guitar.

As for poker. I'm starting to feel like playing again. Still gotta wait for internet though.

GTA5 is trying to bait me into buying an xbox..

Good luck bro, all the best with your goals.

sincerely wish you good luck man. can relate and i hope u succeed...

What stakes will you be playing?

What is your bankroll?

Do you know any 2+2ers in your neck of the woods?

Do you live in a major city, whereabouts???

I take it you are not in the US and so have access to PokerStars/Full Tilt

Good luck, subbed.

I played up to 10nl. But I withdrew my roll and I got 25 dollar left on pokerstars. I'll be playing 2nl zoom and move up from there.

Don't know any 2plus2ers.

I live in The heague for 4 days now In the Netherlands.(don't smoke weed though)

aahh haagenees hahah

GL man !
what are your goals in poker? other than starting over again.

perhaps see a doctor about the anxiety? sometimes it is easily treated with mild prescriptions.

I'm already seeing a psychologist. But I rather don't do medication. The feeling is ****ed up though. I'm probably going to write this every time and it will get lame. But it's just so annoying. It's basically a layer of **** smeared across everything I do in my life now. It's hard mode in real life.

Painted my house today, witch is good. Wanted to do the whole house but only did 1 room and the stairwell. Also went running but I got pain in my foot so didn't go that far. I'm writing right now, witch is also good. But I never get the feeling of accomplishment with anything I do. My brain forgot to reward me with feel goods.

Also had a talk with my ex yesterday. Went alright. We talked in a good way and it was friendly and relaxing. We decided to go to my place and talk a bit. One thing let to another. So I guess it's friend with benefits now. Pretty awesome, if I didn't feel this ****ing anxious about everything. She's really sweet and optimistic about everything and especially about me. It's making me a bit jealous. I wish I could have that outlook on life.

Drank a lot of vodka yesterday and a bit today. I have to stop alcohol because it's speeding up my already fast heartbeat. Also really have to stop caffeine. same story.
I'm still good with the no gaming.

I've posted a few times now and I'm noticing that although I'm doing things differently I still suck at changing some things.
This is something that I have to keep working on and have to keep trying.
So new/old goals:

-Stop caffeine
-No Alcohol
-Cooking 6 days a week
-Friends with benefits, don't go back to relationship.
-Learn playing the guitar
-Keep writing. here, somewhere, anywhere.
-Keep running or exercising.
-Poker once I have internet.
-Keep looking/applying for work.
-No gaming

Ok, that's it for now.

home improvement projects like the painting you did are the nuts for keeping on track, good luck and keep at it. and it's which not witch. (:

I finally started playing again!
Still don't have real internet but I can use my phone and the speed is perfect. No lag or disconnects.
Not that happy with the results so far though. Having the right mindset is the most important thing in poker. And my mindset is way off.

Graph:


As for my other goals:
-Stop caffeine
Failed but I drink a lot less than I used too.

-No Alcohol
Went to the casino last Saturday. 2/2nl, won about 450. First time for me playing live nl. It was awesome. Celebrated on Sunday..with vodka, so failed.

-Cooking 6 days a week
Yes I cook! This one isn't so hard.

-Friends with benefits, don't go back to relationship.
I don't understand women and relationships. I don't understand love. But so far so good.

-Learn playing the guitar
Still have to buy one.

-Keep writing. here, somewhere, anywhere.
Going strong here

-Keep running or exercising.
Foot still hurts, But I'm exercising at home.

-Poker once I have internet.
Via phone.

-Keep looking/applying for work.
Done.

-No gaming
Easy. I think the whole gaming thing is history.

Ok that's it for now. Next time I will post some hands, set some new goals and maybe explain the whole gf/ex thing because that **** is complicated.
Can use some help with it too I guess.

gl you boss

Off to a good start..