lol just searched the only sn of his that i know which is pokerstars NJ and he's got a 96% ROI over a decent sample (considering it's very small fields it's actually a pretty meaningful sample). It doesn't seem like you really have any concept of how things actually work. Tbh you're not the only one who doesn't understand the big picture, but you not understanding is leading to you being a douche based on your incorrect conclusions. He is obv a significant winner in these games. Sure he could study more and put in more volume and be doing even better, but to argue that he's a bad reg is actually absurd. The reality is that after life expenses/taxes/and whatever else, it is very hard to be saving up a lot of money and whether a 5k swing is significant to his life roll or not doesn't seem to have anything to do with his ROI. If you wanted to say that in your opinion the possible yearly earn from these games even with a high roi isn't high enough to be worth it as a job than that would at least be a somewhat reasonable stance to take. But trying to act like he's some bad reg with a 7% ROI is absolutely absurd.

Thanks man. It's funny because he claims to follow the thread but if he did he'd realize my money issues don't come from ability, they come from work ethic. I barely played any poker the last 3 months of last year because I'm a lazy POS sometimes. I had a lot of money saved up, all from poker, that allowed me to just go get drunk in NYC with my friends every weekend. I ignored responsibility and now I am dealing with the stress that comes with those decisions I made.

But I'm proud of how I'm behaving now and I'm putting the work in that's needed to be successful long term. It's astounding to me that someone would put so much time and effort into trying to convince me I'm bad at this game due to a 2 week downswing. Especially when I'm being honest and letting people know about it in this thread. It'd be easy to hide the fact that I stress about finances and just act like everything's great in my life and I'm a baller, as a large percentage of those in the poker world do. But I'd rather be honest here. And it's easier to be honest because I genuinely do think my ability and potential are very high. What's been missing all these years is the work ethic to go with it.

I've never had much confidence in myself when it comes to poker. I've realized this is because I never actually had a sound strategy to back up what I was doing. I was good at instinctively knowing what plays made sense. I picked up what to do in certain spots from good players, studied hands and tried to think of good lines for each individual spot I saw. But I never had an overall strat, an idea of opening ranges and 3b ranges and how big to cbet and all the rest. I finally am starting to have an idea on those and with it has come a ton of confidence. I can finally look at a downswing and say "this truly is variance, my strategy is winning." In the past I might say "maybe I've just been running good all this time, how can I really prove I'm a winner anyway?" The confidence only came from winning, so when I lost I'd have no desire to play, which led to how last year ended, which led to me not being as well rolled as I'd like to be right now.

This downswing hurts in that I'd had so many positive feelings from how January went. After 2 breakeven weeks I crushed and made 9k or so the last 2 weeks. That's all snuffed out with this downer, but what I do still have is the experience I gained and the confidence going forward. So when a troll like this comes on trying to make me feel like **** or whatever it is he's trying to do, I have a much easier time ignoring him and feeling good about what's going on right now, even if I've hit a bump in the road this month as far as results go. And as always, the crazy thing about MTTs is that one win can turn a bad month into a good one.

Encouragement

Was down to just a 30r 25K left on WSOP today with a pretty sick 10.5K or so up top so I went to put on a TED Talk to have on the side. I decided to use the recommend feature for the first time and got an exceptional speaker with a great message. The talk was entitled "The Happy Secret to Better Work" by Shawn Achor. It's a short 12 minute talk but he speaks quickly and efficiently and gets a lot of info in there. He also is quick witted and was pretty funny throughout. The main point of the talk is that we as a society are hardwired to believe that success brings happiness. He feels that this is wrong and ironically sabotages us to some extent because happiness brings success. Those who are able to find happiness without needing success attached to it are more likely to succeed.

I was pausing the video quite often to make sure I was focusing on spots I thought were important, sometimes even pausing to watch a hand I wasn't involved in. I was ITM with an average stack with 45 left (75 were paid so we were starting to get into the heart of the MTT). I tend to open quite wide so when it folded to my button with 88 I decided a raise/call would be better than an open jam. I had 27bbs, SB at 17bbs, BB at 20bbs. I open, BB jams, I call and lose to AQ. I get one jam through then Q5s<A8o for my last 9bbs bvb.

I then opened my WordPad document that I write pages and pages in probably every day at this point. I wrote all about how this TED talk was perfect for what I was going through. I then started up the final minute of the TED Talk that I hadn't quite finished before busting the MTT. The first words I heard him say almost made my jaw drop.

Here is an excerpt of what I wrote, with the bold part being most important:

"Focus on doing the things that make me happy, focus on the things in my control, and don't worry about the success. I have money to live for months and this swing WILL turn around before that becomes an issue. So all that's left to do is focus on being happy and focus on playing well. No more focus on the success aspect of it. All attention needs to be paid to exercise and diet and studying and leisure time and meditation and playing well."

Here is what Shawn Achor said, word for word, the second I hit play for that final minute:

"Journaling about one positive experience you've had over the past 24 hours allows your brain to relive it. Exercise teaches your brain that your behavior matters. We find that meditation allows your brain to get over the cultural ADHD that we've been creating by trying to do multiple tasks at once and allows our brains to focus on the task at hand."

I don't know if I believe in God or the universe or any of that anymore but if that isn't a sign then I don't know what is. Instead of moping after another frustrating session I decided to try to find what makes me happy and journal about how I need to keep exercising and meditating. Then I click play and this guy is like "you need to journal and exercise and meditate." While I've handled this downswing much better than I ever have in the past and I'm proud of that, it has been defeating me in some senses. But the only way it will continue to defeat me is if I continue feeling like getting out of it will be how I become happy again. Instead I will focus on being happy and on doing everything that is in my control the right way. There will be no more focus on the results; the focus will instead be on the process. This will be how I behave the rest of my career, including when I'm winning a lot. The daily routine is vital, the exercise and eating habits and meditation and studying and playing well and everything else that goes into being my best and therefore being happy. The success will follow.

February 18 - February 24

From February 6 through February 21 I was -7600, lost 10 days and won 2. The 2 wins were +318 and +23, the smallest losing day was -434. BUT after taking off Friday the 22nd, I went +657 on the 23rd and +744 on the 24th! I took 3rd in the Stars 100 on Saturday and 2nd in the Stars 75 turbo (part of their mini turbo series in NJ) on Sunday. I ran quite poorly in the bigger buy ins once again on Sunday but boy did I sun run that turbo. It felt amazing to win a bunch of all ins in a row lol. I think when I'm in an upswing I realize how good I'm running to some extent but it's easy to forget just how easy it is to lose a couple of those hands. Or it's like I've just been going deep in a bunch of tourneys each day so one of them going bad doesn't hurt since there's a few more I've got chances with.

Point is, with 25 left and 24 paying I was 24/25 with about 3bbs and 25th place at 2.7bbs. It was a 6 max so there were 5 players at each table and me and the other shorty were in the same position so I just planned on being super tight and waiting for him to bust or double before I put my money in. This brings me to a side point about how I've been dealing with this downswing lately and some progress I've made with the mental side of things. I'm valuing these mincashes again when I might have lost touch with that trying to get

Most of the meditations I've been doing have been non-directly poker related. Some stuff with focus, some about scheduling your days properly, etc. I went into the poker section on Thursday though and found one related to downswings. There was some amazing stuff in there and the meditation was so so so much better than I was expecting. At one point he describes poker as a business, and as with most businesses there is a marketing budget. In poker that just means the fish need to win sometimes in order to keep them happy. Effectively they are our clients. It then goes on to describe this downswing as my contribution to that budget. Every time I get sucked out on and lose to someone who makes one of those wtf plays, that person is encouraged to continue making that play. If he wasn't ever winning that spot he'd either start playing better or quit and the game would turn into something more like chess where there's no money to be made.

It also talks about winning hands as opposed to winning pots. I guess a bunch of this stuff was things I'd already heard before but hearing it again was refreshing. It describes the goal of the session being to win every hand that you can, which simply means making good decisions and outplaying your opponents. Winning the pots is unimportant and you actually can win every single session just by winning the highest % of hands possible. After listening to this meditation I went into the next session thinking not only about those ideas but also about just trying to scrape together a few winning days. I think I'd subconsciously been very focused on winning back big chunks of the amounts I'd lost over the last few weeks, I mean after all I'm due right? But when I consciously thought about it all I realized how stupid that was and thought about how nice it would be to take that stress and pressure off myself. String together a few mincashes, just start getting some positive feelings and thoughts about poker in my mind again.

So on Thursday I lose about $700 but this comes after busting AK<K9 to finish 56th with 50 paying in a 30r 25K on WSOP and then stone bubbling the Party 109. I felt like I played better and really valued the mincash of each of those tournaments the way I was supposed to, rather than focusing on winning each one and getting big chunks of money back quickly. Obviously things once again didn't go well results-wise but I felt like I did my job well. I took the next day off then finished 3rd in the Stars 100, laddering appropriately and playing tough, mixed with some rungood as well. The table was very tight and seemed ICM-aware for the most part but the guy 2 to my left just seemed set on making me see 5 to win a pot.

For example, first I 3b jam 9bbs from btn with KQo vs mp open with 8 left. There's a 6bb stack and everyone else covers. MP had all the chips and had been opening every pot. BB rejams his 13bb stack with 55, which will leave him shorter than the shortest stack if he loses, when he has the option to fold and sometimes gets the immediate payjump with a great opportunity at laddering over the 6bb stack. But I win the flip!

Later I opened utg off 20bbs with a few shorties and a big stack who was playing very aggressively behind. I think my range is very very tight in that spot but utg2 goes ahead and jams 10bbs with 22 anyway (he'd won a flip the hand after losing to me). I call with AK and somehow win the flip again! That's one of those very frustrating spots that I feel like I never win when things are going poorly but also feel like I always win when I'm running well. I was so relieved not to lose to that blast off lol but I was trying hard to look at it as part of the marketing budget if I were to have lost.

With 6 left I ran a somewhat absurd bluff in a spot where I feel like I never really triple off light. I think my specific opponent also knows this. There are a couple guys I think that realize they can x/c flop and even turn with a weakish range since most NJ guys will never empty the clip. It's possible they even have read that I specifically won't do it. So I open JTss in HJ off 20bbs (it was prob close to a fold but I felt I wasn't going to get punished too often with the new dynamic of the table), BB defends off 19bbs. K86cc I bet 1/3 he calls, turn 4c I bet 1/2 he calls, river Ac I jam 60% he tank folds. Definitely a super out of line no equity bluff but particular villain folds very infrequently vs flop cbets so I felt I needed to fire turn to make him fold his random Ax, 22-55, 6x that he didn't want to fold flop with, and I might even fold out some 8x (but probably not).

Now when we get to river all the Kx 8x are easy folds, and even a bunch of hands that have a non queen club in them are in a tough spot. On one hand I'm really only repping the Qc here but on the other hand am I really going to empty the clip in this spot without it?? I probably check back a bunch of my 1 club hands and might not turn Ax/Kx into a bluff since I do beat some hands, so what are my bluffs in this spot? Idk this might be too crazy but I was proud of myself for not getting gunshy and realizing if I never empty the clip here with air then he gets to just x/c flop and turn with a weak range without ever having to fear river pressure. I managed to sneak into the top 3 with about 15bbs and wasn't able to spin it back up.

So back to Sunday where I have 3bbs on the stone bubble of this $75 turbo. Because of the slightly different mindset I'm going to grind this bubble even though mincash is only $100 on a $75 MTT and I'm in for 1400 on the day or something. Me and other shorty are in SB and I have ATo with like 2bbs now. I tank as long as I can to see if he busts and fortunately he does so I jam and double vs Q5. Then the crazy rungood begins (gonna just look up all the hands now because if I'm gonna point out the tough hands in some posts I wanna give credit to the rungood in others)!

With 28k at 7kbb, button opens, I jam 44 in BB and win flip vs QTo.
With 57k in EP at 8kbb I jam AKo utg. MP rejams 136k. Btn, having been crippled previous hand, calls off for 2.5k. SB covering the table calls. MP has ATo, SB has 88, these are the 2 hands I need to beat for basically the whole pot, btn has QJs (which is the favorite of the 4 hands with 31% equity lol), board runs KK594 and I scoop the main for 190K.
Btn covers and opens to 16k at 8kbb, I defend QTss off 188k stack. Flop AJ9cch I x/c 50%. Turn 8h I x/jam over 50% (he bet 40k into 80k I rip 152k) he calls with J9ss and I hold for 385k pot. I go from 14k at 7kbb to 385k at 8kbb in 7 minutes.
Later I lose 22<AQ, then win QQ>22, still have 400k at 12kbb.
Open btn to 26k at 12kbb with AKo off 400k, sb jams 182k with ATs and rivers a flush for the 382k pot. I'm left with 216k and my instinct was to say "here we go again" but I overrode it and made sure to keep thinking positively, "it's not gonna matter when I win the MTT anyway," that kinda stuff.
I open TT to 31k at 14kbb off 210k (I think I've spoken about opening off 15bbs in this spot in a recent post, if I want to open a ton of hands then I need to make sure I open some weaker stuff for value rather than just jamming. TT might be on fringe of open/jam for some people but I think with my gameplan it has to be an open), BB jams 200k with A5s and TT holds for 417k pot. Makes me feel very good about that strategy; if I open jam TT this A5s 3b shove is way more profitable.
MP opens 28k at 14kbb off 383k, I 3b bb to 92.5k with KK (I do think I have some bluffs in practice here, not just in theory, so while this looks stronger than just jamming I think it's the clear play), he jams AQo and we hold for the 782k pot. There's nothing like a downswing to make you feel wildly appreciative of a 71% hold in that spot. 29% of the time I'm basically out but this time I got to have the big chip lead. Feels good.

Not much else happened from there. I had 880k of the 3.3m in play going to FT 2/6, CL had 1.05m, 3rd had 747k then big dropoff to 355k 4th place at 25kbb. It appears I VPIPed 2 hands then the 3rd pot I entered we were 3 handed, me at 955k, other 2 at 1.25m and 1.075m. I was wildly card dead with 3 left and both players were playing quite aggressively. It was frustrating to blind down but I really don't think there was anything else to be done. They both kept playing pots with each other too so a ladder wouldn't be the worst thing and fortunately the bigger stack won JJ>88 pre to get us heads up. He led 2.9m to 385k to start HU at 35kbb and A4s<J9s ended things quite quickly but we got the 2nd place finish for $1800 and a winning day.



Quantifiable Goals



--Update thread once a week (hopefully more often)

7 for 7

--Sit down at my computer before 7:00 every weekday I play and before 5:00 every Sunday

Funny enough Saturday was the first time all year I was late sitting down and it was the first reasonable winning session I've had in over 2 weeks. I was in the city Friday and felt I hadn't had enough time to properly prepare to play, so I decided to try just starting late instead of skipping those things. It seems to have worked. I'll have to be careful in the future of this. I think starting late rather than skipping important prep steps is the right thing to do. But in general I should have all the prep done on time and I do not want to get in a habit of starting late due to early day laziness.

--Play 7500 hands of cash in February (10,000 reach goal)

This is probably going to come up short.

--Make $10,000 every month

This is definitely going to come up short.

--Run once a week, do the 2/3 mile walk around the block on days I don't run

Doing well with this. I actually ran 3 miles on Thursday with nice 50+ degree weather and felt good enough to push myself a little bit. 7:22 1st mile, 7:03 2nd mile, 7:01 3rd mile. I could've sprinted the last bit to get under 7 but didn't feel like there was any real point in that. I did pick up slightly on mile 3 to try to get under 7 but was trying to do it by feel and not by looking at my watch and going "oh ****!" for the last tenth and booking it.



General Goals



--Find new ways to like poker and want to play poker

Still playing during this tough time so this is good.

--Develop a deep understanding of PIO and how to best use and utilize it

Something clicked in my brain last week due to using PIO that doesn't really have much to do with the software at all. I need to start really defining ranges away from the table more so that I don't have to do as much guess work in game. For example, I open CO off 50bbs and rec player running 37/11/3.0 flats button. What does his EXACT range look like? This game is complicated in some ways but very simple in other. There is a very finite number of hands you can be dealt in texas hold em. I should know what the top x% of a range looks like and be able to visualize that chart with each hand filled in appropriately. If I had to guess right now at what that range looks like, I'd say every pair, a ton of suited hands, probably a bunch of bad offsuit Ax, every off suit broadway, maybe some like K7o-K9o as well, some random 98o 87o stuff, and then exclude the very top tier hands like QQ+ and AK. But this is taking a ton of mental energy and it's quite hard to do all of this while 6 tabling. If I could just visualize what this range looks like and intuitively know it while playing a tournament it'd be so much easier to know how hard his range hits AKQr as opposed to A82dd as opposed to 876ccc, etc. Knowing what PIO wants to do in these spots is great but you need to know ranges before you can even run the sim so it's way more important to think about those first!

--Hold myself accountable without feeling guilt.

Still proud of myself on this one, it's allowed me to comfortably grind through the downer without feeling bad about myself.

--Find ways to enjoy the game and find the motivation to play during/after a downswing

Still doing well with this.

--Find ways to enjoy the game and find the motivation to play during/after an upswing

Still not applicable.

--Consistently grind without lapse in motivation for first 5 months so that Las Vegas and the WSOP can be the reward in June

So far so good.

--Shrink the amount of time I sit around browsing the internet, watching Netflix, doing nothing in general

Doing well with this too now. Today I caught myself really doing nothing, got some food then started with this update. It's 5:00 now, I'll relax for a bit then watch some more RIO videos, eat, and get back on that MTT grind.

Slow and Steady

Finally some positive results to report. 2nd in the $75 turbo on Sunday for $1800, 5th in the WSOP $50 5K on Monday for $300ish (KK<77 on a pretty crushing xxxx7 runout for half the chips with 6 left, 88<A2 on xxxAx for 2nd place stack with 5 left to bust, the pain!), 3rd in WSOP $50 5K yesterday for $500ish (A9o<92s for 500K at 15Kbb with 3 left and 3rd place stack at 150K to start the hand, ah!!), and 2nd in Stars $100 yesterday for $1600 where until the final 3 I ran amazing throughout. Three of my last four sessions have each yielded better results than every one of my previous twelve sessions.

But as always what's most important is how I've been doing with the things that actually are in my control. I note the bad beats because I want to demonstrate that my results could be huge if I won those pots. But probably more importantly I'm reassuring myself that I'm doing things the right way and am that close to having the results I want. I'm still working very hard and I do really feel zoned into every session. When I'm not positive about a spot I mark it and feel encouraged that there is still plenty I have to learn. Having the ability to run sims is so amazing; getting a baseline for what is "correct" and then deciding how I'll manipulate that strategy to best exploit opponents makes me feel so much more confident than when I wasn't using solvers at all. But a lot of hard work has to be put in to best utilize these tools. Deep thought has to go into reflecting on what the sims tell you. Simply looking at them and trying to memorize what you're seeing isn't enough.

I've played the last 4 days and would normally take off today but I think I'm going to play today and tomorrow to try to close the month out strong. I'll hit up NYC on Friday and then decide what the plan is for Saturday which I think I also might take off, but more of an abbreviated off day. I won't be drinking Saturday night and I will be sleeping in my own bed. So either I'll put in a full session if I feel really good, a small session and relax, or not play at all but maybe do some study or even just hang out on my own and rest up for Sunday. It's vital that Saturdays are relaxing and not crazy so that I set myself up for the most possible success on Sundays.

You might have answered this at some point, but how do you track your results on WSOP? Spreadsheet?

just found this thread... v inspiring gl w ur poker journey.

Yeah for cash I record hands played and profit and for MTTs I just have starting balance / ending balance for each day.

Thanks!

February Recap

I started the January recap by talking about how it would've been a successful month even if I had broken even. The experience I gained and work ethic I'd established was enough of a victory. Well February would have been a successful month if I'd broken even because I'd have $3366 more than I do right now . From the 6th through the 21st I was -$7657 so it could have been much worse. I made $2658 back from the 23rd through the 28th. In the grand scheme of things these results are meaningless but because of my irresponsible decisions to not work hard in 2018, the results mean much more anxiety about money than there needed to be.

February has forced me to do a few things. The first is to really focus hard on the things I can control and to do my best to put things I can't control out of my mind. This is important in poker but also very important in life. The serenity prayer sums it up well, and the wisdom to know the difference is sometimes hard to find. There are many spots in poker where a decision is close. An example: There are 8 players left in a tournament with $5000 up top. We have a bluff catcher on the river against a very aggressive player who in general we believe to be overbluffing this spot. However, is he actually going to be bluffing often enough with this much money on the line?

This is a situation where it's very hard to "know the difference." Whether I call or fold is certainly in my control but beyond that not much is. You can run the math and estimate how many bluff combos he has compared to how many value combos. But there's no real concrete way to know exactly how many bluffs he has in a specific big money spot. And all of this is happening quickly in game where you don't have that much time to run all of these numbers anyway. How much control do you really have over winning the hand in that spot? And a lot of the times making the "correct" decision can dictate whether you have a winning day/week/month. What an insanely stressful job!

Most of February I was either making the "wrong" decision in that spot or I was simply on the more obvious losing side of variance: losing the big flip or getting coolered in a huge spot or getting sucked out on for a lot of $EV. If I was properly rolled it would be much easier to shake these spots off but again, because of my laziness last year I am not. This once again suggests that I should look into being backed but I still do not want to do that. I really want to make it on my own in this game and build my roll up by myself. In my mind that's the "right" way. If I work hard and grind the right way and I lose to the point that I really don't feel I have the money required to play my stakes, then yes I'll most likely look into a backer at that point. But if I get lazy again and fall out of my routines and go back to the habits of yesteryear, then it's time for me to get a real job where someone else will hold me accountable.

The second thing February forced me to do was to find happiness that stemmed from something other than poker. Too often I've needed good results to feel a sense of comfort and calm away from the table. When I was losing I didn't feel right and I wanted to focus more of my attention on playing. I was already doing that this month and had my schedule set, so when I had 3 losing sessions in a row the 6th-8th, the 9th was my off day so I took the day off and enjoyed myself. I went to NYC for my friend's 30th bday and hung out with my Brooklyn buddy. I had a great time. Back to the grind the 10th-12th where I had another 3 straight losing days. Off day on the 13th. Play the 14th, lose. Off on the 15th. Play the 16th (breakeven) and 17th (+300), I've worked my 5 day week each week and taken the necessary off days to avoid burnout. I was still doing things right in February even though the results weren't showing. I was proud of that.

I've been feeling sick the last few days, didn't put much of a session in Monday (did run deep in Stars 100 before K8<QJ on KT89 to go from 6/12 to out). Put a mini session in yesterday, running deep in Party 109 (from 1/11 to out 11th after KJdd<A8dd on 954dd4dJx) and getting 2nd in WSOP 30r (won some key flips and coolered a guy with 4 left before losing a marathon heads up match with a $1300 difference between 1st/2nd). I think I'll continue this theme tonight. I'm very congested and have a sore throat and lingering headache. I don't feel right just taking a bunch of days off in a row though, so a relaxed lowkey session seems best. Lost 465 on the 2nd and 1282 on the 3rd, so the +1500 yesterday was nice to get the month back to even. Hopefully today I can start getting back to the winning ways. But the most important thing to focus on is only those things that I can control. Once the money goes in there's nothing left to worry about or focus on, I've got no say in things anymore.



Quantifiable Goals



--Update thread once a week (hopefully more often)

Should've updated this on Monday, felt sick and waited til Wednesday. Not a great excuse though.

--Sit down at my computer before 7:00 every weekday I play and before 5:00 every Sunday

Pretty much hit this every day, have missed a few days recently but results have actually been better when I miss lol. Gonna try not to focus on that and get back to being in my seat on time every day.

--Play 7500 hands of cash in February (10,000 reach goal)

Not even close, got to around 2000, am definitely gonna go for more cash volume in March so that I have more sims to run. That being said, with money low MTTs will still be my main focus and cash volume could continue to suffer because of that.

--Make $10,000 every month

-$3366 in February so not quite

--Run once a week, do the 2/3 mile walk around the block on days I don't run

Didn't get a run in last week but I don't think it was ever above freezing so screw that. I also haven't gotten exercise in every day but I haven't been way off either. I've begun a spreadsheet that lists each thing I want to do every day and I'll be focusing on that in March trying to make sure I hit each goal.



General Goals



--Find new ways to like poker and want to play poker

Would love to go back to playing live but need bigger roll before I want to take the time and effort to do that.

--Develop a deep understanding of PIO and how to best use and utilize it

Still was using it in Feb but not running as many sims since I didn't have as many cash hands. I was able to better understand how people were using it in RIO videos though so that was good.

--Hold myself accountable without feeling guilt.

Still proud of myself with how I'm doing with this. I admit my mistakes when I make them and it's so much easier to focus on fixing them when I don't hang my head.

--Find ways to enjoy the game and find the motivation to play during/after a downswing

Trying hard here, at this point I'll be broke if I don't keep playing so that's motivation enough.

--Find ways to enjoy the game and find the motivation to play during/after an upswing

Don't really have to worry about this one lately.

--Consistently grind without lapse in motivation for first 5 months so that Las Vegas and the WSOP can be the reward in June

So far so good, unfortunately if these next 3 months aren't big then I imagine I'll at most only be out to Vegas for the main.

--Shrink the amount of time I sit around browsing the internet, watching Netflix, doing nothing in general

To help with my sleep issues I've made a rule of not watching any TV/computer/phone stuff while in my room. I have to be in my little office area to do that. Bedroom is for sleep only. I'm hoping this will lead to me getting better sleep. Sunday night I legit could not sleep and finally fell asleep at 11AM Monday, waking up at 5PM. Woke up feeling pretty sick, I have to imagine these things are connected lol. So I bought Melatonin gummies, will try them tonight, and the only thing I'm allowed to do in my bed now other than try to sleep is to read, which often helps me fall asleep. I'm hopeful this will lead to better sleep which will lead to more concentration which will lead to better results.

Do you put blasts under MTT's or cash lol?

And btw I am one your Blast 30 Villains haha (if you wanna guess who I am, feel free in PM, but plz dont out me in the thread as I like to keep my 2p2 screenname separate from my real name)

Eh they're just sngs I don't really include them in either. I honestly am not sure if they're profitable, I think the players all play very poorly for the most part but even then I'm not sure if you can realistically beat the rake given how little play there is. They definitely help me clear deposit bonuses and get rakeback and, the main reason I've been playing them, earn points on my total rewards account so I can have a diamond card again and then have borgata match that tier on my mgm card . Also 20K points on the year on WSOP kicks my rakeback from 25% to 32% so that's also nice.

And I have no idea how to guess who you are with the info I have here but I'm sure we'll play again soon!

So much for updating this thread once a week

Dan, any plans for WSOP?

Not sure at the moment, hoping to at the very least play the main, more details to follow in post below.

The Start of the Next Phase of My Career

If you're reading this you know I haven't updated in a few weeks and have failed with the goal of updating this thread weekly. I've played very little poker the past 3 weeks and have had very little motivation to play. As much as I hate admitting it I was starting to get stressed about money. I have plenty of cash to still feel comfortable about paying rent and whatnot but I really do not have a proper roll to be playing the stakes I want to play. I also feel like I'm just not progressing as a player the way I want to be and the weeklong stretches of not doing my job are just not going to cut it anymore.

So I've decided to enter into the backing/coaching deal I've mentioned here before and I'm honestly very very excited about it! The deal officially starts today but I did a coaching session last Wednesday and wow. First of all I've literally never had a coaching session before where I was the student so I wasn't sure what to expect, but man do I feel encouraged by that first session. The main takeaway for me is that I've been attempting to succeed at this game on my own forever. Any time I wasn't sure about a decision I had ways of trying to decide on what I thought was best, but I was never incredibly confident that my answer was correct.

I now have someone who I really trust to tell me with some real confidence that what I'm doing is right or wrong. I'll also have a WHY to go with the what which is just so vital. Knowing what to do in one spot is fine but being able to use that example and apply it to a multitude of different spots because you truly understand why you're doing what you're doing is crucial.

Without any financial stress now the goal will be to play 5 days per week and to play the proper amount of volume. I'm not sure what that volume is but I want to find a happy medium. I'm sure sometimes it will be tempting to play every game I can fit on my monitor since there's no financial risk for me. And I'm really sure I'll be tempted to slip into bad old habits when things are going bad and not want to play at all. I need to be getting that maximum volume that doesn't stretch me out further than I should be.

I'm very excited about the deal as a whole but especially the coaching and improving myself as a player and as a professional. I'm also excited that two of my closest friends in poker are also in this stable and I think they'll really be able to help me in this next step of the whole poker journey.

So the main goals now are just volume and improvement. I'm not going to continue the segment of listing every goal and how I'm doing with each one, I think it just over complicates things for me and makes me feel bad when I start to slump on some of them. I just want to wake up every day and do my best to make sure everything I know needs to get done gets done. I'll list my own personal goals in a document on my own but I'm not going to worry about documenting them all here. I'm more than welcome to talk about them if anyone is interested but I think for the most part it was just sort of clutter at the end of every post. It'll just be one week at a time for me as I'll be trying to make a basic schedule every Monday for which days I'm going to play, and the idea of having someone to call me out when I start to fall off the path is very encouraging for me. I'm really looking forward to seeing how all of this turns out!

Honestly I think this is going to be huge for you in terms of your long term ev in the game and in terms of your stress when it comes to swings. Giving up a % of profits in the short term will suck but assuming the coach is good it will return that money and more in the long run. I can also speak from experience that in general poker is just way less stressful when you don't have a downswing at the tables AND life expenses draining you down at the same time. If your coach/stable has experience with cash games too btw I would definitely encourage you to continue to work/improve there as well since it will greatly add to your yearly ev. Best of luck with it. Hope you'll continue to update your journey.

backing groups are great because you learn so much and can constantly get feedback on plays. the negative is depending on your deal you need to play/earn more then double what you earned before to have the same income. which from my experience is just not possible . then after some time you go back ownrolled again with your new found knowledge. but after a few months your game gets stale again and you start falling behind the curve, making it necessary to rejoin a stable. its tough out there. some say well you dont need to be in stable can get private coaching, sure private coaching is cool but its expensive af depending on who you hire and how many hours you do it could cost 1,000's per month, and your not gauranteed to get 100% from that coach because they have no vested interest in your success. or you can spend 100's of hours staring at solvers which makes my eyes bleed personally.

This thread just seems extremely miserable. With the amount of hard work and dedication you should easily be making good money playing online or live cash games with the occasional big score tournament thrown in. Seriously you should be printing money with the amou t of work you've put in. Maybe you need to accept you have no natural talent. But it's more likely that it's your game of choice (obline tournaments). Seriously you need to reevaluate your goals. Is your goal to make money? It seems like your always on the verge of quitting or taking breaks.

Your graph for income should be going straight up. And it seems like having something lower variance would do wonders for your attitude and health towards poker, thus making you a better player. Online or live nlhe or plo cash should suffice.

Thanks man, I think this was a good move for me as well and every passing day I feel happier that I chose to take this route.

This is a lot of thoughts jumbled into one! There are certainly positives and negatives to being backed, there were also positives and negatives to playing on your own dime. It's why I wrestled with this decision for over 2 years. I think I've gone the correct route.

There was nowhere near enough hard work and dedication on my part. Notice in the last 8 months or so just how little I've updated this thread compared to when I first started playing full time. Sure, I had a good stretch in September, I felt some motivation for a couple months to start the new year. But when poker is your livelihood and you have motivation for 2.5 out of 8 months things are not going the way they should be. I think what non-professionals often forget about pros is that every dollar I spend in the real world comes from poker. Having a +$2000 month often means I lost money on the month, not to mention I have to pay taxes on that $2000. Not playing for 5 months means 10K is just gone. It goes to rent, health insurance, student loans, utilities, internet bill, food, nights out with friends. I pay taxes on all the money I make, I put money into an IRA. Your car ever makes a weird noise and you bring it in and they tell you it's $800 to fix? That's coming from poker money. There is no other source of income.

The idea I've heard from a few people on this thread is that I'm not good at poker, surely I'd be fine if I was as good as I say I am. My poker ability is not the issue. It's my desire to play the game, to work hard at the game, and to really find the love for what I do. Because when I don't love it, I can force myself to play for a month or two, but I inevitably look for something else to do. If I really am just not enjoying myself then when the downswing hits I run from the game.

cafepoker, your idea of me switching to something that lowers variance is valid, but it is VERY strange timing to off me this advice right now. Literally my most recent post before yours talks about me taking a backing deal that will now lead to me not losing money in poker anymore. I'm not sure how I can lower variance any more than that! As far as what I talked about in my last paragraph concerning desire, work ethic, and love for what I do, I will discuss that more in my next post.

Poker ability is just about the least important thing when it comes to who makes the most money at this game

How I Got Here: Part One

I just want to address the above because I can understand how people who don't know me could read this thread and think that I'm just another ****ty washed up poker player who overestimates his ability and needs to move on to a different career choice. While this is probably decent advice for a lot of people who find themselves in my situation I don't think it is good for me and I want to explain why.

My History of Complacency

I am a rather unconfident person by nature and I try to stay humble when it comes to anything I'm good at, so please believe me when I say this: I am a very good poker player. Or at the very least, I have the ability to be a very good poker player. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was play games. Thinking about strategy is something I've done since I was very young and I've always loved it. I remember my dad getting me a "Chess for Dummies" book when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and I ate it up. In first grade we'd do this "around the world" math competition; teacher holds up a flash card for 2 kids with simple arithmetic on it, first kid to say the answer moves on to the next kid's seat, kid who loses sits down in whatever seat they were at. First kid to go around the world and get back to his seat wins. I don't think a kid in that 30 student class ever beat me so eventually my teacher decides to retire me from the game and says if I can beat her she'll give me a week off from homework. We tied (kids were screaming that I won but she was not about to have a 6 year old beat her at 8+8 ) so she gave me 3 days off or something.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a savant or anything. I got A's in everything through senior year of high school without really any effort, but once AP Calc hit and I had to do work **** started to hit the fan. I couldn't just show up to the test anymore and figure it out there. I got an 800 on my math SAT so I kinda thought things were always gonna come to me without effort, but after finishing the first semester in the 70s in AP Calc I needed a waiver or something to continue and it was eye opening. I got a tutor (which I hated having to do, I felt like it was a crutch and I was stupid for having to do that, even though it's something people do all the time) with about a month to go before the AP Exam and managed to score a 4 (out of 5) on it.

College I did alright but then around junior year the math stuff started getting very hard again and a lot of it was dry and boring to me. I loved math, but I did not love diving deep into theory that I didn't immediately understand. Spending hours in the library or, gasp, finding another tutor was something I just did not want to do. So I didn't do it! It's a pattern I've exhibited forever. Something is stressful and difficult? Just ignore it. It's a really really bad habit of mine and bites me in the ass time and time again.

From 5th-10th grades I would go through phases of extreme anxiety. I stand by the fact that to this day, feeling the way I did during those years was probably the toughest thing I'll ever deal with. It was so frustrating because I knew I didn't have anything reasonable to be upset about. I was an athlete and I had friends and a great home life and all that. But something just made me freeze and not be myself for months at a time. I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to play sports, I just wanted to lay under the covers and watch TV and be a vegetable.

I think a fear of falling back into that state is what often led me to ignoring my responsibilities and it even seeps in to my life today a bit. I'd rather be happy and irresponsible and deal with whatever consequences may come than EVER feel myself returning to that deep depression. I eventually decided not to return to school for my second semester senior year after going D/D/F that first semester and took my sweet time finishing my degree, but I did eventually get it.

The funny thing about it all is that taking my time to graduate led to me becoming a professional poker player. I would've graduated in May of 2013 (maybe December but point stands) if I stayed on schedule. New Jersey regulated online poker began in October/November of 2013. Instead I graduated May of 2015, had built a bit of a bankroll and went on a heater that summer, and decided to continue playing poker for a year and reevaluate next summer if I should go look for teaching jobs. I began this thread that summer. I kept winning that year and 2 college friends asked me if I wanted to get a place with them in January of 2016 so I did that and have lived here ever since.

When I first started playing and living on my own I thought it was CRAZY! I have abandoned the structured world of having a boss and receiving a paycheck and have more or less declared that I can be completely self sufficient. I realized what an insane endeavor this was and set out to prove myself to everyone. I had a girlfriend of 2.5 years at the time and I also wanted to prove to her that I could do this. Maybe someday we'd get married and I'd have to support a family with this job?! So it was was vital that I pile away as much money as possible whenever I could. I grinded a lot and I loved it. The novelty of being a professional poker player was fresh in my mind. The highest stakes tournaments they had were all affordable for me and I could just work at being the best tournament player in New Jersey without any other thoughts. I didn't even have to be particularly good, there weren't really any crushers on the sites. I'd occasionally be asked to get interviewed for an article, my picture would be taken at live events, everything was fresh and new and exciting and fun. At one point I was ranked 3rd in New Jersey on PocketFives. I felt like I was back in that first grade classroom and natural ability was all I'd ever need.

Fast forward to the 2nd half of 2018. Everyone knows I'm a professional poker player, it doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me at all anymore. I've been single for quite a while, the idea of having a family is not really at the forefront of my mind anymore. WSOP has merged with Nevada, 1K buy ins aren't really that uncommon anymore online, I'm a small fish in a big pond again. The motivation to prove myself to people is gone, the idea of being top 3 in NJ seems unlikely and I don't really care about having that accolade anymore anyway. Poker isn't that much fun to me and I know I have plenty of money to live on for quite some time. To put it as simply as possible, I am extremely bored.

So I should find something that makes me less bored! I start going to the city more. I have a close group from my Ramapo days, me and 4 other guys. I live with 2 of them, 1 lives in the city, and the other lives in NJ and meets up with us often. So NYC it is! I'm there nearly every weekend and I often talk myself into staying through Sunday for the football games, and even hang out until Monday some weeks. I'm having a good time and am successfully avoiding being stressed in any way.

The new year comes along, I look at my bank accounts and realize uh oh. Yes, I have plenty of money to continue to live on, but using that money as a bankroll is borderline irresponsible. "Well why don't you just move down in stakes??" Yeah, that's a fine response when you don't need your poker money to live on, but when there's no other source of income that isn't really an option. I decide I'm going to have to buckle down and actually get good at this game or something's going to have to change.

How I Got Here: Part Two

Resolve To Improve, January/February

At the beginning of the new year I vowed to either get better at the game and really take it seriously or to move on to something new. Unfortunately my financial situation was worse than I'd realized it'd gotten. I wasn't broke but my mentality as a professional poker player was there was a sum of money in my savings account that I was just never ever going to touch. Everything else could be used as a mix of poker bankroll and spending money. That latter amount of money was way lower than it should be for someone playing this game for a living. I was a downswing away from having to crack into savings, not to mention I still needed money to live. It was a very stressful situation.

I worked hard in January and did well. The month went well financially and I started to feel like myself again. I am a poker player and I can still do this! February I also worked hard but I did not run well. I lost money in February, not as much as I'd won in January but 2 months of expenses comes out and I'm back to even more or less.

March

March starts off with some minor bad results but at this point the stress is getting to me way too much. Every tournament loss hurts more than it should and I'm in a weird situation where I realize that. I've been playing long enough that I sort of understand how it all works. If you're under rolled you're gonna get overly stressed and take losing harder than you should. I've told people this countless times. But now it's happening to me! I've never been under rolled before!

When I play and lose I feel irresponsible because I'm gonna need that money to continue paying rent or, gasp, I'll have to dip into savings, which I really don't want to do! When I don't play I feel irresponsible because I'm not doing my job. Basically things are not good and I realize they aren't good. I still believe I am a good winning player and can make a living with a proper bankroll. But I do not have a proper bankroll anymore!

It seemed it was time to do something different. I did some soul searching and realized at the end of the day I do really still love poker. It was this underlying financial pressure that was preventing me from doing what I should be doing in March. Last year when I put in very little volume from October-December was me being lazy and stupid. But March was different. I wanted to battle but I felt insane amounts of pressure every time I sat down and every 8th place finish cut me to my core. I knew I should not feel like that but I did anyway. I knew I shouldn't play under rolled but I didn't really have a choice. I knew I shouldn't skip playing sessions but I hated the anxiety I felt while playing. There were times where I had flashes of feeling as overwhelmed and depressed as I did when I was a kid. That was not a good road to be on.

I also wondered if I was really playing that well. I was working with PIO a bit and while it's interesting to see the results the program kicks out, I felt I was putting a ton of pressure on myself to really know every spot inside and out. The enjoyment of poker was going away and probably cutting in to my bottom line. I was constantly wondering if I knew what I was doing and felt tons of self doubt at times.

Tee Dubs' Metaphor

All of these factors put together made the decision to be backed and coached an easy one. I should have gone this direction years ago but I didn't realize what was to come so I don't regret anything. I tried for a long time to make it on my own and for almost 4 years I did. It was simply just the right time for me to accept a little help. My roommate Tee Dubs put it great, as he often does when I talk to him about any situations I find myself in. "Well, it sounds like you were just in college for a long time and, just like in real life college, you had a little bit too much freedom and sorta fizzled out by the end. Now you're in graduate school. But this time you're actually learning about something you want to learn about and you really care about. You spend how ever long you need in this school, and maybe you don't make as much money as you would have in the short term if you were out in the work force on your own. But by the time you're done you'll have learned so much that it'll easily pay for itself in the long run."

April

So April is the beginning of graduate school. I have no more excuses left. There is no financial pressure as I cannot lose my own money anymore. The doubt I have in my own game will be alleviated any time I put the effort into working with my coach. Any days I skip that were supposed to be work days not only hurt my bottom line but also prevent the guys who back me from making that money / EV. I like those guys and while I want to do well for myself, I also want to do well for them. I have tons of reasons to play every day and no real reasons not to anymore. It's on me to put in the work. The goal is to get good enough at this game and find my passion for it again to the point that none of it really feels like work anymore.

So far this month I've finished 4th-13th in 15 tournaments and (excluding a 3rd for $200 in a very small MTT) have yet to record a top 3 finish! A few of those have been extremely frustrating for me. I've had several top 3 stacks as we got near the FT bubble and have simply not closed anywhere. I've been very upset after a few of these. But man does having guys in your corner help during those times. Instead of just feeling sad by myself I can talk to them, ask them about the hands, tell them I'm feeling like **** and I know I shouldn't but it's happening anyway! And they give me great advice, often a mixture of "this is how MTTs work, get used to it" and "keep your head up the wins will come." I need that combination of reality checks and encouragement.

I am mentally very weak when it comes to dealing with the variance of MTT poker. I HATE losing, I can't overstate that. It's a good thing when it comes to sports, it always pushed me to work harder. But in a game like poker where you have so much less control over the outcome it's so important to keep things in perspective and not take it so personally when you lose. I know this at the surface but there's just this innate feeling of failure I get every time I don't get 1st place in a poker tournament. The good news for me is that that feeling has ever so slightly been subsiding under this backing deal. The mental relief realizing that my bank account hasn't gone down after a losing session is nice. The ability to get a real concrete answer as to whether I misplayed a hand or just got unlucky is relieving. The knowledge that I'll indefinitely be able to learn more about the game as time goes, all of these factors makes losing ever so slightly more easier handle.

It's been a long time since I've had a day that I just felt really good about when it comes to poker. In the past I've always pushed hard to seek out that day. But now it's gotta be more about the process and just focusing on what I can control. I cannot control results but I can control playing my best and putting myself in that spot over and over again. It's the 15th of April and I have 15 deep runs already; this should be encouraging, not disappointing. Whether it's the 16th or the 60th that finds me getting the win I'm just going to do my best to focus on what's in my control and continue working hard. Playing well and learning is what constitutes winning, not getting 1st place in a poker tournament. That's something I've always had a tough time dealing with but it's a mentality I'll need to continue trying to adapt to make it in this field.

had a question I thought you may be able to answer. Were you around when the NJ market opened? how were the guarantees on stars?

Your background/personality sounds very similar to mine. Naturally intelligent slacker who quits when faced with obstacles. The funny thing is, poker was the only thing that I found that could actually motivate me to put forth maximum effort. It seems like you're kind of growing tired of the grind, which is unfortunate, but honestly the sooner you realize what path you'd rather go down, the better. Poker, imo, is one of those things where passion is the most important factor. If you can't be internally motivated to play 50 hours a week (...at times), or grind a ton of sims, or discuss spots endlessly looking for optimal lines, it's very very hard to make a long career out of it. Because a lot about the game kind of sucks. You have to really be like "This is super fun and interesting" because otherwise the negative factors just weigh too hard on you.

On a side note, I'm of the mindset that being backed is a net negative. The financial relief is great, but temporary, and the downside of losing half of your profits is a real killer. Think about it, if you go on a downswing...you're still going to struggle to pay your bills. You have no money coming in. If you're getting regular coaching from a high level player/players, AND you're being put into an ABI that's much higher than you were able to ownroll into, it's obviously +ev. But in a lot of cases I feel like it's way better to just drop down stakes. You'll make more money with 100% of a 30abi than with 50% of a 50abi, and being able to crush worse players can be motivating. But mindset is a huge factor and if you feel better with no financial pressure at the tables, that's also important.

On another side note, I've played with you a handful of times on post-merger WSOP. I have you tagged as a bookreg which basically means you're very sound fundamentally but don't seem to pay much attention to try to exploit people. Obviously it's a lolsample size so I could have just caught you in odd spots, but do you think this is accurate? If so, are you doing any work to try to find more spots to exploit?

NJ market opened end of 2013 with just Party/Borgata and 888/WSOP (along with Ultimate and some other sites that went out of business). Stars came around beginning of 2015/2016 (I forget which, I remember playing in hometown so probably 2015). I don't think guarantees have changed much if at all since the beginning.

Hey thanks for the well thought out post. Your first paragraph is very accurate but luckily I think I'm finding my way back to how I felt about poker when I fell in love with it. Ironically, a big part of that is me completely forgetting about the money and just playing to try to win. I think the backing/coaching will be vital to me falling back in love with the game and potentially becoming a crusher. I loved it in the beginning, when I was a teenager and playing for fun first before profit, because I'm a competitor and I like winning and I liked the challenge, especially given how difficult and out of your control it often is. I liked it when I first became a professional because of the novelty of it and the fact that I could tell people "I'm a professional poker player!" Damn I thought that was so cool lol.

But yeah I just got tired and burnt out after a while and didn't have the motivation to try to be the best anymore. Knowing that I HAD to play instead of just playing when I wanted to made it more of a chore than a passion. And then forcing myself to play and LOSING money? God I hated it. Clearly losing money should never bother a professional but it got to me way more than I'd care to admit now. It also got to me way more than I realized at the time. Now that I'm backed I feel so much calmer while playing and I realize losing is okay. That being said I'm still punching my desk when I lose KK to AQ with 4 left in the Stars major for a ton of chips, but I'll take all that one step at a time lol.

As for the bookreg comment, it's definitely possible you're spot on there. I do try to exploit when possible but often am doing that by using the HUD I'm allowed to use on Party and on Stars. On WSOP I do my best to take notes but a lot of them are general (open limps a bunch early in MTT, spazzes with bad bluff candidate, etc). So yeah I'm probably on cruise control too often there but am certainly always working to get better.