This makes me feel worse about what I'm doing honestly. Nice reminder how long I've been failing at the goals I set for myself.

It's completely normal to feel frustrated and demotivated during downswings, especially when you're putting in a significant amount of effort to improve. Poker, by its nature, involves both skill and variance and sometimes the results don't immediately reflect the work you put in.

The mental game is a significant aspect of poker, and maintaining a positive mindset is crucial. Upswings will come, and your hard work will pay off over time.

I know you're right and I know these things in the back of my mind. I guess it's just hard to step back and calm down sometimes. Better to let loose here or discord instead of punching my monitor or start shoving stacks w/ATC pre (like i used to do on ACR blitz). It's crazy how the world can feel completely against you in the pursuit of something, although I'm devoting as much of my time as I can. Car rides are audio book of TMGoP or poker podcasts and any free time during work I'm on my laptop staring at 2p2 HH posts or playing in GTOw trainer/watching mad videos/playing with H2N. At the same time, I feel like if I miss a minute of study or dodge a session that I'm going to get left behind and it's going to stunt growth even more, and this terrifies me in today's world where everyone is learning so quickly and bottom end standards are constantly settling to new levels. I'm sure this is an unrealistic perception but the point is that these are the dominating thoughts that I have lately and I feel an intense pressure to not only perform for myself but to display my efforts also whether as proof, inspriation, or brag it doesn't matter. I'm wondering now if I'm too consumed by poker or if immersion (like learning a language) is going to be +EV in the long run.

I have some deep fear of the possibility of having to work a "9-5" job for the next however may years and try to retire finally at some old age and too old to do anything but reminisce. I think this is what pushed me to travel/backpack for so many years. Here I am working this kind of job and I get in the same cycles of hating getting up to drive an hour then be forced to sit around and put my efforts into something i have zero passion for and know that I'm not actually getting the benefits I deserve from my efforts. I see people get paid the same that do much much less, are much less talented, know people to get the good gigs, w/e the case is it doesn't really matter but I know I feel that I do not belong here. Poker offers me this outlet of freedom.

When I first got into my job, I was told by every single person in a supervisory position that "you get back what you put in, kid". Meaning bust your ass, show up early, leave late, you know the drill... (and just for reference, my job now i have cake gig i start at 6am. I still wake up and show up early at least 530 everyday so I can get on PC early for whatever poker stuff and take advantage of every minute, it doesn't seem like much I guess but I'm doing this everywhere so the time adds up. Like I don't know where else I can steal time from to augment progress here.) I was running stairs when people were taking the elevator just so I could be the first to the tool box kinda thing, unlock and get prepped for all the old heads so they had cake days. You know what that got me? A lay off check just like the clowns who slacked off all day and laughed as I thought I was doing this great service to everyone and it would somehow come back to me. I did this for the next 4-5 years. Ace-ing the stupid apprenticeship tests, showing up first, teaching others what I learned even though im not the ****ing teacher, volunteer for the **** work. You know what I got at the end of that? I got zero. Nothing. I'm just another number in the field. I get to work next to the guy that I watched copy answers for years and can barely tie his shoes, he should have been kicked out. We make the SAME RATE. This is the world I fear and this is where the pressure comes for me to find something that I can actually enjoy learning about and has maybe a more true form of "you get back what you put in".

I feel like I've put in a lot of effort for everything in my life and I'm struggling to find the stuff that I'm getting back. Obv a huge life leak. Just feel really tiny lately and I just want so badly to find purpose and fulfillment that's lasting.

I'm just a massive mental fish in every way possible I guess. I'm becoming impatient because I feel like I can see the end of the life tunnel closing in already and I'm literally racing against time now. I'm not a teenager anymore. I need to get something going. I don't have my entire life anymore. I'm starting to think I'm a walking joke because everyone around me family, friends, partner whatever all love to say **** like "oh youre so smart and gifted and talented and you can do anything/you're doing great" etc etc etc. Okay i get it, but if that were all true then I just feel like my life would have played out a little differently and I would not be in such a spot mentally.



First GTOw BBvsBTN facing flop range bet drill I have done in a few days or something. Going to call it good for this spot and move on to Tombos GTOw list in order of importance and just train down the line. Only going to focus on preflop and flop for now, that's 2 positions and would be total 4 spots per formation so 20 spots altogether to hammer down. It took over 5k hands for BBvsBTN range bet so I'm not expecting to rush through the spots very quickly.

also probably get a hand on some MDA sheet to complement the GTO, should skyrocket your winrate

^^ going to end up being more spots because I just realized I'm going to have to do facing action on both ends so just for one spot ill explain

SB open
SBvsBB as SB-cbet
SBvsBB-float

BBvsSB-open
BBvsSB-cbet
BBvsSB-xR

Congratulations, you're one step closer to hitting bottom.

I am sorry that you got the impression I was belittling the effort you put in and it made you feel bad and that was not my intentions. Please take my deepest heart felt apologies in your pursuit of something you obviously are very passionate about. My big mouth!

In a side note:

When I was a boy I was diagnosed with a rare disease that degraded my vision and I couldn't finish High School. I couldn't retain a normal job or life. I went to Specialist after Specialist and none of them ever helped me and things actually got a lot worse when I entered the work force. I worked my ass off, I devoted my mind to methods of working around my issues. I had to memorize the test to my driver's license by audio to pass and get a license. I sometimes would be unable to read or watch TV for years. It traveled into my stomach and other places later and nearly killed me by 23. The degradation and suffering I endured probably drive most men to off themselves. That's not in plan for me.

I did my best to fight and improve and find meaning in life cause I couldn't ever have the life that a comparable man would have. I finally realized something after some struggling and some attempts to portray normalcy. **** it! Be happy, do what you love cause you'll be dead sooner than you realize. I'm an older man now and I've done quite a few things I thought I'd never do. I think you can do anything! If you really want something bad enough but if isn't worth it to you then pick something else.

Time reallllllly short. I watched so many people I know die who were perfectly brilliant, beautiful and healthy people. Just die... I'm unremarkable but I have something a belief in a higher power and good will to other creatures. Small things are big things. Good luck

You just posted this a couple of weeks ago:

Trust the process that got you to this point. The fish are still the fish, and the 25/30nl regs aren't any better than the 10nl regs. The jump to 10nl to 25nl and the jump from 200nl to 500nl are the toughest, because it is 2.5x the stakes. It sucks to run bad when you move up to a stake that is 2.5-3x higher, but you will get there. Keep taking aggressively mini shots, and you will stick the landing.

ACR

Ignition

Pokerstars


Here's my 10nl hand samples from tracked sites. I'm struggling deciding to move up and just ditch 10nl for good. Problem is I definitely do not have the BR anymore so support it heavy shot takes (running bad, playing probably bad) (not sure how i feel about staking as I would probably punt harder and I for sure know I would feel much worse about losing someone else's money). But I can feel the increasing frustrating everyday I continue to load up 10nl tables and seemingly make no progress with BRM (i guess I have taken quite a bit out for software/tools/etc). I'm to the point of taking my (small) roll and just going for 25/30nl and not looking back unless I go completely busto. I feel like I should be shooting for EVbb/100 goals and not bb/100 goals as I for sure get results orientated looking at both together. Feeling lost on how to move forward for a few weeks now. Looking at the samples, I should feel a sense of improvement but I'm stuck feeling like I'm the opposite of improvement. 0bb to 5bb to 8bb so I should feel better i think seeing this, but I don't. I AM HUNGRY FOR MORE (see spoiler).

Maybe the RB alone at 30nl (compared to 10nl) would be enough to sustain for a few k hands even if i was punting.

Thank you. This hit the spot.

Just speaking from my own personal experience, I know I don't play my best when I'm not practicing a more conservative BRM (25+ BIs)

I don't wanna jinx myself but I'm also not superstitious so wtf am I saying...

I'm close to shotting 30nl with a clean 20bi again, it's closer to 580 cause I have a bit of RB about to clear. Seriously every downswing feels so much worse than it actually is. How long did it take me to come back from my last cry post? About one week. Mental game might need the most work of all technical aspects. But also seriously, it's tilting as hell to lose a bunch of bi right after shotting, just feels so large the amount you need to grind back at a lower stake. I didn't even lose my 30nl shot that i set aside, I only lost one bi from it and actually lost mostly at 10nl after I talked myself into being a s***-tier fish. But we back and still pumping alligator blood I guess.







almost at the 50k hand mark.

I gotta make a move here as soon as I hit $600. Thinking I should just new chapter my poker career and set out for 30nl and never look back. Part of me feels like I'm struggling to let go of this stake recently because I want my EV back. If I leave now, something feels like I'm leaving that behind lol

The point is, the is my second (decent size) sample that I'm able to hold 5bb/100 or higher. This time, it's a much stronger sample. I wouldn't even be writing this if I had ran at EV or over, ya know. I gotta start taking claim to accomplishments and winning samples are an accomplishment. Would it be better to walk away with a higher WR? Does it matter? What is a solid winrate at the uNL tables? Why am I for some reason not satisfied with 5bb/100???

Wondering now what my WR might be at 30nl. I'm getting excited to shot take again. Hopefully my nerves don't get the best of me this time but I'm really considering sticking it out and either owning it or going busto. Who knows.

$600 or 50k hands I meant to say (if over 5bb/100 OR over 10bb/100 in EV bb/100)


Should I just start looking at EV bb/100 and eliminate all the other graph lines too?

My EV seems to fluctuate and not really in long stretches. I think my longest was only like 20k hands between July and September last year.

Unfortunately if you're 30bi under ev or whatever, then the expectation is to stay 30bi under ev for whatever stretch of hands you end up playing after the fact.

I'm well over 100bi under ev lifetime and >$25k, and many people are way way worse. Just focus on good game play and decision making.

It'll probably help mental game, same with not looking at results/balance. Not sure I'd recommend either though, could be better to work through it at lower stakes.

Our EV ^^

Trust me everyone goes through downswings occasionally. You just have to to deal with it.

GL on the grind OP!

Thanks yeezy

btw nice blog you got, I like checking in on it

Not everyone is made for poker. But I will say Phil Hellmuth has won the most bracelets of any poker player ever and hes one the biggest hot heads in poker history. He never quits he just keeps playing and focuses on getting better after calling someone an idiot about 20 times. Instead of putting your energy into feeling sorry for yourself ask questions about hands and get better or just quit. Feeling sorry for yourself or looking at the world as half empty is not going to improve your results. You have 2 arms right? My friend tore ligament in his right arm can't play online poker now right? Nope hes now learned to use a mouse with his left hand. He whined about it like you. I said well you got a left hand. Play or quit. Hes playing left handed now until he has surgery. The people that play victim wont make it in poker.

OKAY. Here it is. 50k hands winning over 10bb/100 in EVbb. 6.1bb/100 I don't think is that bad either considering rake is eating us alive down here. I'm off to 30nl this weekend for better or for worse. I'm going in with the (now)10bi I have taken off the 10nl tables.

I finished another listen/readthrough of TMGoP also this week (3rd time, now onto the fourth time). Also been crushing trainer/range builder in GTOwiz. Going to have to set new goals now

EVbb/100 is my new religion

CONSISTENCY

Best advice I’ve ever gotten

25-30nl shot take 5k hand update

Put in some of the longest sessions I have ever done. This weekend managed to get 16 hours on PartyPoker and 10bi. One session was 10hours and one session was 5 hours. I used to be breaking about once an hour to smoke a partial blunt (best way to burn imo) or hit a pen but I'm slowly feeling like I don't want to be high when playing. Sometimes studying is okay high but also starting to not like it so much. Been smoking since I was 17 or so and just never stopped, I have heard a few people say it's night and day diff when they stop. What are your experiences?

Pokerstars is going okay, breakeven for the shot take there. But getting my nerves settled in. Honestly pretty cool to finally sit these tables and not worry so much about the $ because usually im just blinded by thinking it's so much compared to 10nl. Although when I get a juicy hand I am still getting the rush and sweating a bit. Idk though, I'm still not running great so a bit of monsters under the bed when these run outs come but I'm still making moves, still getting it in good and I'm simply at the mercy of the deck. Whatever... I'm just lying in wait for the luck to turn in my favor. Still winning so gonna have to run worse than this to make me stop.

Going good for the last few days. Bankroll is healthy. I made a $150 deposit onto Party to be able to split sites but that was obviously a great decision. Roll is almost at $1k and that is 50nl shotting territory... oh man...

GJ