TL;DR: stream-of-consciousness writing during my 3rd stint as a serious grinder. I want to make 100k in 4 months playing mostly 3/5 and maybe some 5/10. Lots of conflicts about playing poker. It's a dark game. But the money is crazy good.

Originally posted in LLSNL, but mod said PG&C is the better forum for it. I've made a few additions/edits to the original post.

This is going to be stream-of-consciousness, some thoughts and ideas about playing poker professionally. I've played lots of poker but haven't written too much about it. I've always thought about writing down what I've learned and sharing with others but haven't been motivated. Plus, poker is a dark game and part of me still doesn't want to be part of that darkness in any way, shape, or form, but I've more and more come to realize that it's part of my life and I've been able to do amazing things with the money I've won.

I'm two weeks into my third stint as a full-time grinder. The first one lasted about 3.5-4 months about four years ago and the last one was a bit over 3 months more than a year ago. I've probably put in close to 10,000 hours playing and studying the game on and off over the last 13 years or so. I want to share with the community a few insights I've gleaned during my many ups and downs. I'm still learning and making mistakes constantly, so I write mostly for my own benefit to make concrete what have been loose thoughts in the mind.

I have qualms about sharing these thoughts because people who have in the past have made the games much tougher. True whales are a rare sighting nowadays. They lose their money almost instantly. Most people simply don't give their money away like they used to. Most of the ones that did don't play any more. People don't gamble like they used to. They don't shove draws on a whim. They don't have an "ah, **** it, let's just get it in" attitude." I used to see this type of thinking a lot. Now it's almost never. People fold more. Of course, the true professional will still be able to crush the game, because they'll usually just play looser and more aggressive, especially in position, taking pots away left and right, but it's not as fun as it used to be where nearly every pot was multi-way for many BB's preflop, and 3! was a rare occurrence. People used to call down with garbage all the time. Now it's tough sometimes to get value from strong hands. People just lay down. Still, I will share these ideas I've mulled thousands of times in my mind because it's painful not to share in this life.

I have a love/hate relationship with poker as do many people, especially the ones who have played for a while and have seen how brutal the game can be for the mind and every other aspect of life. They say poker is the hardest way to make an easy living. It's true. For me, there's nothing as guaranteed as poker income. I just don't lose. I might've had 2-4 losing weeks in the last 35-40 weeks I've played. I didn't start keeping records until late into my second stint. I just knew I had lots of cash.

But poker sucks, mostly. I can only take it for a few months. Being around poker players suck. Being in the casino sucks. Of course, there are the rare gems of human beings who are just relaxing and having fun. They are genuinely kind people who just want some friendly competition or pass the time. They're not necessarily there to make money. They're there for entertainment.

Winning money at poker and getting good at the game doesn't lead to any happiness. If you're wanting to play poker for a living, I feel for you. It's a sad existence. There's no satisfaction in the game. You win and you've accomplished nothing. You have a few more pieces of paper in your hand. You lose and you've wasted time and energy. You have a few less pieces of paper in your hand. You go up in limits and feel like you've made it, but realize you're around more sharks and predatory mindsets. You realizing you're losing in life. You're playing cards with no purpose in life. Money comes in and out. Thousands and tens of thousands start becoming meaningless. Money loses it value. It's just pieces of paper that make people do crazy ****.

If you want to make money playing, poker should be seen as a means to an end. Life is way bigger than poker. Family and friends are more important than poker. Human beings are more important than poker. Your health is more important than poker. Your happiness is more important than poker. Traveling is more fun than poker. Meeting non-poker people is more fun than meeting poker people. Not thinking about numbers is WAY more fun than thinking about numbers. Living on the beach and having sex with beautiful girls is infinitely more enriching than sitting at a poker table with slimy dishonest people trying to take something from you.

I go into grind mode knowing I'm going to be miserable. I'm going to feel depressed at times. I'm going to be spending time in an environment I detest with people I would never be friends with. I know I'm sacrificing my health, both mentally and physically. But I know there's light at the end of the tunnel. The money I save up is going to let me travel and live without having to work. I can give my parents money and feel good about myself as a son.

Still, I have to fight my way through it. I have to tense up and get ready for battle every day. I'm glad my mom lets me stay with her, and she makes me amazing food and feeds me and does my laundry and gives me emotional support. I don't know what I'd do without her. Poker is already a lonely game. I feel sad for the grinders who live by themselves without anyone to support them. Most grinders I see and know are miserable people. To survive by taking money from your fellow humans is a sick form of existence. But we live in a capitalist society where money runs ****. Money buys freedom. And this freedom can be utilized to focus on what's most important: living a healthy, balanced life with beautiful relationships with oneself and others.

Getting up from the table is the most important skill a player can learn, Tommy Angelo says. It's true. The more I grind, the more I realize I just want to play for 4-5 hours, make 200-400 bb's and call it a day. But still, the gambling is in my blood. Building big stacks is mad addicting. Literally, when I double my stack, I think "Alright, now it'll be easier to build it up more." I never think, "wow, I'm up and I'm happy to leave."

It's like as soon as I start thinking, "let's gamble," it's time for me to get up. As soon as I get antsy and regress to "let's hit some flops" thinking, it's time to get up. This last week, every time I've played I at least doubled and tripled my original 200 bb stack within the first couple-few hours, but ended up donating most of it back on five of the six sessions. It's like I start losing focus after a certain time. I start focusing only on my cards and not on observation. I start getting restless and distracted and bored. I'm learning again and again, that this type of mindset is ruinous for playing poker for a living.

My motto now is, "OK, that's enough, I have better things to do than play poker."

The key to make money is not giving away money, taking calculated logical risks, instead of emotional gambles. I know this sounds cliche and obvious, but I still find myself making these kind of emotional mistakes many times a session. It's the easiest thing to do to give money away at the poker table. You just have to grab chips and put them in the middle without thinking.

Grinding requires taking one's emotions completely out of the decision-making process. There's a saying, "when emotions are high, intelligence is low." Think back to all the big pots you've lost that weren't necessarily coolers. Those big bluffs that didn't work out or the light hero calls. How many times were emotions involved in these pots? Think about all the times you've been on tilt...all that rage and sadness and frustration -- the "**** the world" mentality.

To win big, one needs to develop a psychopathic manipulative way of thinking. I think "what do I want other people to do, and how do I get to do it?" This is both on a tactical and strategic level. Hand-by-hand, it's: do I want folds, calls, or raises? should i check, bet, raise, call? how much do i bet or raise to get someone to do what i want them to do?

On a strategic level, it's something like flow or momentum or image creation. It's manipulating opponents to feel certain emotions and perceive me in a certain way. Mostly it's fear or competitiveness or frustration. These emotions get people to do dumb things at the poker table. Each opponent at the table feels certain emotions when they think of me. It's important to find out what these emotions are.

I give off one image and based on how people adjust, I exploit their play. If they think I play tight, I bluff them more and bet smaller amounts for value. If they think I play loose, I bet larger amounts for value and tighten up my range. If people want to gamble and beat me in a pot, I get into pots with them. If people raise too much, I 3! more. If they start backing down, I start bluffing more. A scared poker player doesn't attack. If he does, he's got the goods, and I lay down.

Nearly every time I sit down, I feel in complete control of the table, at least for the first couple hours when I'm hyper focused and observant. People instantly change how they play when I come into the game. They tense up. I am becoming more and more aware of this. Most people hate seeing me at their table. The decent players know they'll have to tighten up or they'll get eaten up with bluff-raises and position plays. Most people think, I'm going to avoid this guy at all costs. Only the very rare gambling competitive whale type thinks, I want to get into pots with him and win.

I get a variety of looks: jealousy, hatred, rage, fear, respect. There's no love at the poker table. Nobody likes to play with big winners regardless of how social and friendly he or she is. The table starts seeing me pull in pot after pot and they think "damn, this guy knows what he's doing." It's war. There's limited resources coming from the few spots at the table, and they know it's harder for them to win when I'm at the table. This is how it is and there's little I can do to avoid the venomous thoughts directed my way.

On the power of image: The other day, I had been at the table for about an hour or two. OTB, I 3b! a loose lp raiser and caller and the small blind calls. Flop t9x, he check, I bet, he called. turn 6. he check, i instantly bet nearly pot, and he tanks and says "well you either have queens or aces." He shows KK and folds. I had Q8o for a gutter on the flop and a double gutter on the turn.

I go, "how do you fold kings there?!" and sb, who was a solid player and had a big stack says, "well, it's the biggest raise you've made and you play tight." This is what happens when people think you always have it and are willing to put them to the test. So many will float the flop, and fold the turn when the bet becomes big. It's easy to bluff-raise when you have a tight image.

Most people have no idea what I'm doing. They see me show down lots of winners and make light calls, but they also see me pulling in many pots without showdowns. Sometimes, I'll 3b! with garbage and call with strong hands. But other times I'll 3b! with the nuts and call with garbage to take it down on a later street. When people are confused, their default adjustment is to play more passively and tightly, which in turn makes it uber easy to play against them.

So during the last two stints playing poker, I've been able to pull in excellent money that allowed me to live most of 5 years without working much. I'm lazy and I don't like to work for the man, or for anybody for that matter. I'm selfish.

My goal is 100k in 4 months. I'm keeping good records from the beginning this time, unlike the past two stints.

Currently, I'm 2 weeks into the grind, and I'm up a bit more than 10k. I've played 125 hours and have a total hourly of $84.50, which is actually quite low for me compared to past results.

Here have been what my sessions look like:

3/16: 8:00 -1227
3/17: 13:11 +4898
3/18: 7:22 -426
3/20: 13:20 +1251
3/21: 3:25 +2445
3/22: 9:48 -715
3/23: 12:21 +192
3/24: 9:40 +1057
3/25: 9:07 +250
3/26: 3:28 +2241
3/27: 9:19 -2598
3/28: 13:38 +2893
3/30: 11:26 +348

Total: 123h +10609

This is not including the couple hours I have in other games when I was waiting where I am basically breakeven. I still feel a little rusty, but the game is sharpening up a bit. But it sucks having to be sharp in life. I'd rather just relax and take it easy. I don't fight unless I have to. Life is way too short for fighting. The smartest people learn how to live a simple, easy life. They don't create unnecessary stress and drama in their lives. They live lightly, without many possessions, free as a bird.

This thread will allow me to feel less lonely in this lonely world in this lonely game. Hope this inspires some of you to make money, then leave this sick game

I don't care what people think of me. That's where it's really at. I'm not saving money to buy things to impress people. Things hold no value for me. I like to live cheaply in country that isn't the United States. I like swimming and dancing and being with feminine vibes. But it takes money to live this kind of carefree lifestyle. Poker is merely an means to an end for me. I wouldn't play if I had lots of money.

Thank you for restarting this thread.

Subbed.

Thanks for following, my man. Poker's a brutal game and it feels good to have an avenue to share thoughts and feel other people's care, even in the tiniest amounts.

Allow an old geezer to quibble over tiny portions of your opening post.

"Winning money at poker and getting good at the game doesn't lead to any happiness."

Depends on if you like to do things you are good at, and enjoy the journey as you gradually get better at it. Applies to any endeavor. Whether it's your livelihood or your hobby. You could say the same thing about winning games of chess, it can be a dark game, but if you like to do things you are good at, do them.

"If you're wanting to play poker for a living, I feel for you. It's a sad existence. There's no satisfaction in the game. You win and you've accomplished nothing. You have a few more pieces of paper in your hand. You lose and you've wasted time and energy. You have a few less pieces of paper in your hand."

If your goal is to play for a living then you are probably right. Unless you REALLY like to do things you are good at.

"You go up in limits and feel like you've made it, but realize you're around more sharks and predatory mindsets."

Not at the lower limits, but for sure at the higher limits. Which is where, I guess, you gotta play if you are playing for a living.

"You realizing you're losing in life. You're playing cards with no purpose in life. Money comes in and out. Thousands and tens of thousands start becoming meaningless. Money loses it value. It's just pieces of paper that make people do crazy ****."

Use the poker $ to buy the only truly irreplaceable commodity, time. Use the newly acquired time to get good at something else that you truly enjoy. Whether it is $-profitable or not. Maybe more than one thing that you truly enjoy. Now you are richer. And winning at life.

"If you want to make money playing, poker should be seen as a means to an end. Life is way bigger than poker."

You already know that you should do other things that you truly enjoy. And get good at them.

"Family and friends are more important than poker. Human beings are more important than poker. Your health is more important than poker. Your happiness is more important than poker. Traveling is more fun than poker. Meeting non-poker people is more fun than meeting poker people."

Family can be overrated. People in general can be overrated. If either detract from your happiness then your happiness is more important than those people.

"Not thinking about numbers is WAY more fun than thinking about numbers."

If that's true for you then you already know more about yourself than most. There are others where the reverse is true, thinking about numbers and getting results from that thinking is WAY more fun than not thinking about numbers. Focus your "getting better" time at non-numerical pastimes. But not music - there are numbers hidden in there. And not building things, there are numbers hidden in there too. And elsewhere.

" Living on the beach and having sex with beautiful girls is infinitely more enriching than sitting at a poker table with slimy dishonest people trying to take something from you."

Too bad I didn't concentrate more than I did, on getting good at something like that. I would have enjoyed it <smile>

On the cheerful side, few things are more pleasing to me than winning against "slimy dishonest people trying to take something from you." Even a modest win against them "makes my day".

I hope other 2+2'ers will participate here.

Ha, thank you for your thoughts Nozsr.

I've dealt with depression on and off for many years now and an addictive personality for all my life.

The things I like are not things that make money. Money is just the lube to help me have time, like you say, to do the things I want.

I used to really be passionate about the game. I still feel this way many times. But now I know that getting better at poker is just a tool for helping me to make money, so I can do things other than poker. Playing poker can be traumatic. It's scarred my ability to make true friendships and trust people. It's shown me a side of human nature that's made me cynical at times.

Still, I study poker with an obsession. I realize it's a skill that can be learned and mastered. I'm grateful for this skill because it allows me to pull in on a monthly basis sometimes more than some people make in a year.

I used to be pretty good at math. It came naturally for me. But in regards to poker now, there's sort of a calculator that runs in the back of the mind. If I improved my math, I'd probably become a beast at the table. But it takes time and energy into doing all the precise calculations/analysis. I'd rather be +-5% and call it a day.

This said, I'm probably still one of the more mathematical people in my player pool. I just don't strive to be a master at the math. I'd rather be a jack of math, and a master of understanding people and knowing what makes them tick.

Also, I guess I will make sure to post some chip stack porn here. I've never done it, but it'll give me motivation to build and keep stacks. Also this place will be the place I do after session de-compresses and give analysis on my weaknesses and leaks and strengths. Wow, it's amazing, after starting this thread, I already feel more motivation to play and win. It's like magic what happens to a person when he feels supported.

nice read, gl on your journey!

thanks for your support. it feels good to have fans and my motivation to win and build stacks is really high now. im going to be thinking about you guys when my mind says, "ah, let's gamble."

one of my biggest leaks is not protecting my stack once I get deep. I start making some dumb plays at times instead of nitting it up and making occasional bluffs. it's the result of boredom and psychological tilt. I know when I'm in it but it's hard to leave the table.

My focus these next couple months is to leave the table at my peak. Easier said than done.

Sometimes, It's Not Your Night

Played about 8 hours tonight from about 11:30 in the evening. The games were pretty bad tonight. The poker world's changed. A few years ago, Saturday night would be wild with people spewing chips left and right. Today there was none of that. Maybe it has to do with Easter.

Started in the hole about 1000 after a couple mistimed and misplayed bluffs.

Lost a few key pots and coolers after that.

KQ vs. 44 on J94T board. Each of us put in about 1100. J on the river.
55 vs. 88 on 8665 board. 300 each.
QQ<AA on 664 board. 350 each.

I could have folded the QQ, but couldn't let it go.

Hit one other set for a tiny 50 dollar pot.

Walked away -1390 or so.

But I was pretty carefree as I drove home. I bought breakfast for my mom and me, and we ate together and I feel really pumped for my next session.

This is part of the game: no matter how well I play or how good I think I am, some nights I'm going to end up with second best hands in big pots.

Some nights, it's another person's turn to run good.

Hope to have better news tomorrow

Sub.

Today's session: 11 hours 50 minutes +1320

Played pretty well today. Chipped my way up to 2000 from 1000.

Then, had KK, l/rr a bad lag and a tilty pro from 25 to 150, both called.

Flop 874. They both had a bit more than 500, so I shipped it in. Tilty pro has 7c4c and takes it down.

No hands of note until I see KK again in SB in a straddle pot, a couple limpers and I raise to 60. Get one caller, who's another bad loose/aggressive. He starts the hand with 370.

Flop QT6 all clubs, I don't have Kc. I bet 75, he ships for 310, I call. Turn blank, river Kc. He has 96o and takes it with the 9c.

So I'm feeling pretty bad about the night. I was playing well, pretty tight and aggressive. Not spewy. But the cards weren't falling my way, and I was questioning everything.

About an hour later, I see AA and limp EP. Bad Lag is in SB and I've been wanting to play big pots with him. Folds around, he raises to 25. I 3! to 80. He 4! to 160. I think about slowplaying, then decide to put a 5! to 350, because I'm sure he has QQ+, and most likely KK+ and he doesn't really have a fold button. He 6! to 850 (500 is the max bet) and of course I 7! to 1150 or something, whatever I have left. He calls.

Flop is KQJ, and I think I'm screwed. Runner runner hearts and I have the ace of hearts. Scooped a big pot and I was back in it.

Next big pot is against a loose-aggro 30's something, who looks like he plays well based on how he handles chips and how many 3! he's done the first couple orbits he sat down.

He iso's bad lag to 20 OTB. I look down at KK in SB and 3! to 80. He calls.

Flop KK3. Flop quads. I check, he bets small like 45. I call. Turn 3. I check, he bets 110 or something. I call. River blank. I check, he bets 500 and I raise him all in for about 200 more. He knows he's beat but he puts the money in.

I'm pretty happy I had the courage to check quads three times. I knew he was aggro and was most likely going to stab multiple times.

I ended up giving a 600-700 back in the last hour or so when I went card dead.

My emotions were high, I hadn't eaten, and it was a long session. I left and didn't feel any happiness. I felt anger. I went to in-n-out, bought a couple double doubles animal style, went to sprouts and bought a couple snacks, then went home and ate.

Tomorrow, I'm taking my mom to the doctor's and then might put in a session later in the day.

I think the afternoon/evening games are great for gambling. It's aggressive, and I basically just have to sit tight. Sometimes I'm not in control of the table as I usually am because there are so many LAGs and when I'm with LAGs, I just tighten the heck up because it's stressful to be fighting for every pot with sticky V's.

The morning games suck. They are super nitty and pretty boring. It's so ABC. It's less stressful though. Decisions are pretty easy. There aren't too many LAGs, but there are more TAGs, which makes it a different game. They don't call often, so there's more barreling, and just have to play tight/aggressive, with some selective loose 3! to steal small pots preflop. The pots are much smaller, there's more chopping. There's more heads-up and three-way pots. People check/fold the flop a lot. I wouldn't want to play these type of games unless there's no other choice.

Alright, thanks for following guys. Look forward to updating you again later.

Nice post ! I will be following ! Are you playing 5/10 NLHE? I am currently grinding 2/5 NLHE

3/5 right now as I build my bankroll again. Once I hit 20k, which should be within the next couple weeks, I might start taking a few shots at 5/T with a 1000 or 1500 cap. I'm pretty comfortable at most 5/T, and am usually the best player at most tables, but if my bankroll isn't sufficient, I tend to play a bit scared.

Sometimes, though, at certain tables and with certain player dynamics, the 3/5 plays more like a 5/T. Stacks get 200-300 BB deep and especially if there are a couple LAGs, there's a lot of 3! and multiway pots, so the pots get bloated pretty quickly.

GL OP. While some of what you're expressing may seem extreme or overblown, I can relate to some of your poasts and I'm guessing others can, too. Thanks for sharing your journey.

It seems like much of the challenge comes from this

which raises a question: is your opinion of poker/the casino environment the product of your mentality? Or has it contributed to/caused your mentality?

10K hours is a lot. You're speaking from considerable experience. If you're willing to share, I'd be interested to hear how you got into poker in the first place; and also what part of the country/world you play in.

Once again, thanks and GL!

Actually, I meant stacks get 400+ BB. The max buy in is 200 BB, so on an action night there can be several 2k stacks at the table. The other night there was 3 7k+ stacks.

Thanks for your support.

I think it's a loop, where I play poker b/c it's the easiest money I know, but I don't feel good about it. Then, spending time in casinos exacerbates the I "don't feel good about it" feeling. Once I traveled the world and had some spiritual practice, playing poker didn't ever make me really happy. It's exciting at times and the adrenaline and competition can be addicting, but it can be draining over several months. The body is not used to being in this type of intense environment for long hours for months on end. It can definitely causes some symptoms of PTSD. I get more anxious, withdrawn, sad, angry, frustrated, anti-social.

I started playing poker during the poker boom in maybe 2004-5. I was a sophomore/junior in high school and I became obsessed. I lived, breathed, ate poker. I got a free $10 deposit on Pacific Poker and ran that up to over $20k before losing $10k in two days. I was playing mostly short-handed/heads-up 30/60 limit and 15/30 limit. I was mashing buttons and really had very little idea what I was doing. I was 16 at the time.

I was hosting home games starting at 5/10 cent blinds, going up to 10/20 cents, then 25/50. I remember 50 cent/1 dollar was a huge bump, when people bought in for 50-100. That was big. Then 1/2 was another big bump where people bought in for 100-300. This was when I was about 16-17.

I started sneaking into casinos when I was 17, playing the 5-150 which was a spread limit game at Casino Arizona with a 350 max buy in. That was an action filled game. I built many stacks and gave many of them away. I was emotionally unstable. I also played a little 6/12, 8/16 limit.

During my first semester of college, I started playing in a 2/4 NL underground game. Smoke filled room. The buyin were like 300-400 or something.

I played 20/40 and 25/50 limit sometimes during this time as well.

Then I didn't play poker for a couple years.

Then went back and played a few sessions at Hawaiian Gardens when I needed to make money for a business I was running and make payroll. I swore off poker again after making a few thousand.

The next major stint was at Casino AZ again. I played for about 4 months 3/5 and 5/T. Made money. Left. Swore off poker.

Then about 3 years later, I was about 30k in debt from health issues and a failed business, so I played poker for about 3.5 months, paid it all off, saved up money and traveled the world for a year. During this stint I played mostly 3/5 and some 5/T/20.

Now, I'm on my hopefully last stint at poker. My game is still a bit rusty, my discipline is not where it can be, my emotions are still rough. But I've seen serious improvements the last few sessions. I'm playing better, picking spots better, playing tighter upfront.

I'm in Arizona now playing at Casino AZ. But I might make my way to LA in a couple weeks once my BR is up to 20k or so, so I can have more game selection and play some bigger games.

So that's a bit of history. It's not anything special. There are people who have taken poker way more seriously than I have. I just don't have the passion to study ranges like other people do. I'm more of a feel/psychological player. I know how to dominate tables and am able to read players fairly well. Math is important, but it's not as important as people think at the 3/5 level where most people play their hands completely face up and give off tells like there's no tomorrow.

I think at 5/T/20 and higher, math becomes much more important as the small percentages here and there swing decisions one way or the other.

I play way nittier at higher levels too. The RIO are higher. People put you in tough spots with marginal hands.

Subbed - I play at CAZ occasionally and was there Saturday until about 12:30 Sunday at Table 7.

GL with the challenge -looking forward to being the villain in one of your HH

Today's session:
8h 41m +1350

Started in the hole about 600 right off the bat playing bad, running into a cooler.

Then, started hitting the deck. Built my stack up to about 3000 from 1600 original buy in within about 2 hours. Didn't get paid off on a couple hands on the river, so I might have been a bit tilty.

Managed to donk off about 600-700 the next couple hours, making bad calls on the river, and generally being a dummy.

Floated around 1700-2500 stack for the next 4 or 5 hours or so. Pretty uneventful. The game was good, but just wasn't getting into any big situations, until the following hand came up.

I'm in SB (1900). V1 (600), a tilted competent reg, raises to 20 in EP. V2, a fishy Middle Eastern guy (850) calls in LP. I've been wanting to get in a pot with him the whole night, but haven't played for stacks yet. I call in SB with 55.

Flop (60) AsAd5d. Flop a boat.
I check, V1 bets 25, V2 calls (I know he has an ace here, because he's super excited and I could tell he was thinking about a raise), I c/r to 125, V1 calls immediately, V2 says "all-in" immediately after that, but he can only raise 500 more. He has about 250 or so behind. So I say OK, I'm all in.

V1 wants to call but ends up folding (he had KQdd). V2 puts his money in the middle, and somebody says good luck, and he says he doesn't need it.

Turn Jd, River 2. V2 has ATcc, and I scoop a big pot. Up to about 3000.

The game was getting really good, as there was someone just coming off from the BJ table, and he was playing/bluffing every other hand, but I was too tired so I left.

I didn't play so well. I need to tighten up on the turn and river. I made some bad loose calls when I felt I was beat. Somehow that itch to call and see someone's hand is still deeply alive. Next few sessions, I'm going to be focusing on folding marginal hands on turns and rivers unless I'm setting up a play.

I also want to think more about river sizing. The more I play, the more I realize most people are afraid of big bets regardless of how big the pot is. I'm testing out making small value bets/raises on the river and focusing more on the absolute bet amount instead of thinking too much about the ratio of the bet to the pot.

Bluffing good players is much easier than bluffing bad players. I know this is super basic but somehow I forget never to bluff bad players. I want to learn how to give up more against certain people, and bluff the good TAGs more.

Sometimes, I can bleed away a lot of chips when the cards stop running good after a period of being really hot. The momentum is addicting and I want to be more aware when to not push certain hands just because I have momentum on my side. Tightening up after running hot is difficult but I think it leads to better long-term results.

A big bet on the river is usually enough to get good players to fold one-pair hands. I want to look for more opportunities to bluff rivers.

Boredom is a huge issue for me. It's tough to fold hand after hand for sometimes 30 minutes straight. It's taxing mentally and emotionally because it's so boring. Especially when the game is slow and there are some beginners who take quite a long time for seemingly simple decisions in small pots, I can get frustrated and this leads to bad emotional play.

Thanks for reading and look forward to updating you soon.

I’m looking forward to this thread, because I can relate to a lot of your posts, and I think you have a lot of insight to offer.

But I’m going to address the elephant in the room, since no one else has yet. Even if you grind an absurd amount of hours, it’s my opinion that 100K in 4 months is close to impossible in a $5 blind game. Not saying that a $25K month isn’t possible (I’ve seen it a handful of times) but it’s generally when someone is on a massive heater, and I just can’t imagine someone winning that much 4 months in a row. I don’t mean any disrespect by this, I’m just trying to keep it real. Either way, I’m rooting for you. GL

100k is possible. First time, I made about 65k in 4 months. Second time, I made like 70k in 3 months and change, and I was just getting really good when I quit.

I know 100k is a stretch. I intentionally made it a stretch goal because if I shoot for the stars, maybe I'll hit the moon. Maybe I won't even play for 4 months. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll play more. Maybe I'll make 60 or 70 or 80k. Maybe I'll make a little less. But I've had a couple of 30k months, so I know 25k average is possible.

The amount of respect I get at the table is absurd and people in general play really bad against me. I can be sitting tight forever, but because I'm a young Asian they can think I'm bluffing and call off all their chips. On the other hand, some players just fold way too much against me. They let my c-bets take it down unless they have something and they NEVER play back.

I just need to game select more. I need to do the overnight sessions, because this is where my strength is. When everybody's gambling and being aggressive, I become a TAG assassin. When people are playing passively, I completely dominate the table being LAG.

Being upside down time-wise is tough, though. I like being up with the sun. But sometimes, those overnight games can be where 5k+ stacks are built on a regular basis.

Thank you for your support water.

edit: Oh, plus, I might be mixing in some 5/10 soon. We'll see. 3/5 is really a sweet spot for me.

I'm consistently reminded of certain things and truths about life and men and violence and war when I re-enter the poker world again. Some of these things are shocking when seeing them after a long time away from the table, but mostly they confirm my view of human nature and how sad most people's existences are.

There are no true friendships in the poker world. At the poker table, nobody is my friend, regardless of our history outside the poker table. Everybody is there for their selfish reasons -- profits, fun, gambling, being seen, hiding, making hands, chasing draws, adrenaline, excitement, running away from home, listening to music, watching videos, passing time, socialization, etc. They are not there for my benefit, they are there for their own benefit. If I remember this, I'm never fooled by the superficial conversations and how people try to get me like to like them. I try to have compassion for people, and I usually fail.

True friendship is when people want the best for each other. They have each other's backs. They support each other. They are not trying to extract and gain material resources from one another. If they are, it's just a business relationship, which can be friendly, but if the business relationship sours, the friendship usually sours along with it.

Now this isn't to say that people can't talk strategy and discuss and create a mind that's greater than the sum of its parts. But this is simply a transactional relationship. If I didn't talk strategy, would there be any friendship left? Usually, the answer is no. In the poker world, there are many clingy relationships, many people trying to figure out who the winners are, and trying to be friends with them or, conversely, avoiding them. The clingy-ness comes from a desire to be loved, which is the core desire for all of us. But true love doesn't exist in most of the world, let alone the poker world, where the most some of the most obsessed, addicted, and damaged personalities gather.

People who play a lot of poker lead mostly unfulfilling lives. It's the action and intellectual stimulation and competition that's exciting. We're all trying to fill this hole in ourselves of trying to feel good. But it's never enough, is it? Has winning a big pot ever been enough to satisfy us? Has having a big bankroll ever been enough for us? Has playing bigger stakes ever led us to say, "OK, I've reached my goal, and now I'm happy?"

Poker players mostly lie. There are extremely few honest poker players. There's one woman I've played with. She's older like 75 or so, she runs a real estate brokerage, and she says she never bluffs. She's so genuine and just loves to play cards. She's so passionate about seeing cards and only bets when she has something. Never needles anybody. Smiles, gives huge tips ($2 when she takes the 7 dollars in blinds, sometimes $5 when she takes a $50 pot), always gracious. She's probably the most honest player I've ever met.

Most of the time, players literally don't know how to tell the truth, or they're scared of the results of telling the truth. I try to be the opposite. When someone asks me what I had, and I decide to tell them, I'm never lying. Sometimes, I decide not to tell them, or stay vague about the details, but I never straight-up lie. I don't see the point. They're not going to believe me anyway most of the time, and lying doesn't feel good to me, so I don't put in any effort into thinking what I should tell them. I just tell them the truth if I want to tell them anything. Life is so much more freeing and enjoyable when I have nothing to hide.

Men will knock other men down. When men cannot rise in dominance hierarchies based on competence, they will use peer pressure, shame, and other tactics to knock men who are either rising or above them in the hierarchy down a few notches. Or they will latch onto people who are higher in status in them, in order to gain status by association.

The former is where needling comes in and the big winners are used to this. It's OK for grinders to needle each other. It makes the game better for everyone to see that even good players make dumb plays, lose money. But needling others to lift oneself up is a sad way to live. I only needle in jest and out of a sincere reaction to how a hand goes down. Getting needled makes a man strong psychologically and emotionally. If he can survive getting needled all day and being the target of psychological violence, he will come out victorious.

People don't like to have their world views threatened. They will do anything to insulate themselves against the discomfort of having to question their conditioned beliefs.

At the poker table, everyone is trying to manipulate my emotions. Yesterday I was playing in a small pot, where a guy limp/called AA, flopped a set and made a small bet on the river and I called with 3rd pair. He says, "nice call" and as I'm about to flip my hand over, he shows pocket aces. This is a "pro" who I've played with several times, have always been respectful, but deep down there is this jealousy that brews in players' minds when they get demoted to the second-best at the table. Anything to gain an edge, poker players will do.

Some other guys will try to be nice to me, in hopes that I do not play back at them as often. But when this fails, their true nature comes out and they reveal fear as their motivation.

As a life philosophy, I avoid violence in any form if at all possible. Sometimes, it's not. We have to kill to survive in this world. In the poker world, we use not physical violence but psychological and emotional brutality. There's a sadness that comes with having to use violence to make a living. It's disgusting when people actually want to inflict violence for no other reason than the ego boost it gives them. I think this stems from the lack of education, poor self-esteem, unfulfilling lives, poor relationships with parents in general.

If you live by the sword, you die by the sword. As poker players, when we inflict psychological damage, we are actually damaging ourselves in the long run. And we can't be surprised when people return the violence and spit venom at us. It's the game we choose to play, and so we brace ourselves for the inevitability of being the target of hatred and anger and jealousy.

At a poker table, we're all animals. We know who's hurting. We know who the predators are. We know who the fish are. We know when predators are less of a threat because of their moods/chip stack/body language, etc. We know who we're targeting and who we're avoiding.

I see it in this forum, too. People saying things like, "you're delusional" or "you can't do it" when they have no idea who I am, have never played with me before, and have never seen me in action. It's OK, I just take it as par for the course. Because I speak and write the truth as I see it and as I've experienced it, I have nothing to hide. I'm not twisting any facts. I have no need to be politically correct. I laugh at the power plays I engage in and others engage in. I watch psychological violence and war with amusement and I learn from it, and it sharpens my wit and my resolve. I become a stronger man at the end of it.

And who isn't a bit delusional to take this game so seriously? We're not really trying to get to any higher truths and understanding reality for the sake of understanding it. Poker's a selfish game where the end goal is the accumulation of money. Accumulating money is definitely cool to be able to do, but to make it a central pillar of one's life requires high levels of ignorance and arrogance. And I say this being highly ignorant and arrogant.

But I understand now, the chase for money is a lowly pursuit. Any man can chase money; it's the most natural thing to do in our society and our minds have been warped to think it's the most important thing in the world to be able to buy the latest iPhone and drive a nice car and be able to show off our possessions and experiences in order to gain social status/proof. To be able to resist society's lures is true strength. When we resist the temptations, we more and more come to realize how insane "just going with the flow" is. We realize we want to think for ourselves and stand firm in our truth and our values instead of being prone to herd mentality.

Poker's just a means to an end. It doesn't bring any satisfaction inherently. It's an endless loop of thinking about ways to win, stack, and sell chips. There's nothing wrong with the game, in and of itself, but an obsession with the game is a sign of underlying psychological/social issues, in my experience. It's also this society we live in, the ways we're conditioned to attach meaning to $ amounts and our self-esteem to the size of our bank accounts.

Either way, I, as a conflicted imperfect human being, conditioned in the United States to be competitive and win and chase money, will continue to grind until I reach my goal.

Thanks for taking the time to share your insights on poker and life. Some of them were very thought provoking and I thoroughly enjoyed them.
For some reason, your PG&C reminds me of one by "Odesmu" a while ago.

Will be following your journey. Best of luck to you.

Thanks brother for your support and I’m glad you enjoyed the read. It feels good to put thoughts I’ve mulled for years on paper.

Yesterday's Session:
10 hours
+739

Played quite well overall today, although I got a little sloppy toward the end.

Started in the hole 1000 within an hour or so when my 65hh<KK on a 543, one heart board in a 3! pot. EP raises to 25, I 3! to 80 in LP, folds around to EP who calls. He checks flop, I bet 125, he C/R to 250, I 3! to 750, hoping to get him off an overpair, but he ships it for my remaining 220 chips or so. Turn K, river 8, and I'm stacked!

Played lots of hand, ran well and played well over the next few hours and ran my stack up to 3500.

I made a few bad calls and bad bets throughout the night. Overplayed a couple hands. I got confused in a few 3! pots, didn't control the pot size well in a couple situations.

I 3! more liberally and even put in a 4! bluff shorthanded. I raise 15 with A5hh, aggro pro behind me who's been 3! me more and itching to force mistakes 3! to 40, I sense he's not so strong and I 4! to 140, he calls. I bet 225 on a KT7, two spade board, and he instamucks.

I was following my instincts more yesterday. For the first time since I started playing the last few weeks, I felt "on."

For example, I raise with Q2ss in LP, get a couple calls. Cbet 955r board, get called by pro. Check/call a small bet on a 3 turn, and check/call 1/2 pot bet on a T river. He says "you got it" and mucks his hand. I show my hand because I wanted to send a message to him that I'm going to start calling him really light and he can't push me around.

Then, I lost what was maybe what was the most pivotal hand of the night. We had just combined tables and this guy who loves to give off a gambling just got stacked and is tilting. He's competent and has played for a long time and just got back into the game.

So the very first hand he rebuys for 500, he's in SB and I raise to 40 in a straddled pot with T9o. He 3! to 100 and I call. Flop comes J93, he insta-ships for 400. I call. Turn A, river T. He hits the straight.

The very next hand he stacks somebody for about 700-800 dollars with K9 vs. K4 on a KKx board.

If I had won that hand, I would have been up to about 4k, and been in complete control of the table. But that was when I felt my momentum die a bit.

Lost another sizeable pot after that with 99 OTB in a straddled pot. I raised to 65 after three limpers and we were 5-way to the 322 flop. V bets, I raise, he calls. A turn, he checks, I bet, he calls. River blank, check, check. He has 54 for a straight.

Played shorthanded for an hour longer or so and walked away with just north of 2700.


Things I'm still working on:

Honing my hand reading abilities, obviously. Although I did pick a few good spots to 3! bluff, I also got myself into trouble a couple times against players who wouldn't fold, and my range was a bit too weak. Puts me in tough spots OTF, especially OOP when I don't connect.

I want to incorporate more 3! and 4! bluffing because it seems like people think anybody who 4! has aces. I will look for spots especially against good players who can lay down.

Sizing is still an issue. I want to get better at recognizing when I can go for max value and overbet the pot and when I have to size down. For example, I hit a river straight on a 87739 board with 56, and bet about 2/3 pot. The guy check/called the turn pretty quickly and almost insta-called the river. He had AA. I probably could have gone double the pot and he still would have called. Missed some value there.

I think I also missed a spot to slowplay a set. I had 33 on a 34Jdd board in a raised pot with 6 players (150, pot) Aggro Indian guy bets 20 and I raise to 125, and everyone folds. A competent TAG on the button thought about it for a while, but said he folded AJ. He said he should have raised, and couldn't believe he folded, but thought I could have any random two pair. If I just call on the flop here, it give a chance for any J to think they are ahead. Of course there are some bad turns, but I can probably get away if I'm beat. Maybe I'm being results oriented, but I think when I'm running really hot, people tend to fold more, and I can think about playing more deceptively.

Other than that, I'm pretty happy with how I played. Played super LAG today, and made lots of marginal decisions. I'm feel like I'm getting back in the flow of things and recovered well from losing the big pot early.

Thanks for reading and hope to have another update for you tomorrow!