A friend of mine (2p2er jesse8888) keeps a blog of his progress as a new pro. His last post was so fantastic that I just have to share it with you. Enjoy!

D.

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In response to my last post:

Dave said...

Just to make this crystal clear, in your hierarchy of deities, Zeus > Jesus? Please also rank the following deities:

- Buddha
- Poseidon
- Mohammed
- The Flying Spaghetti Monster
- Cal Ripken

February 19, 2009 9:29 AM

So without further adieu, I give you my complete, expert, rankings of these 7 deities, with heavy weight given to their expected poker potential.

7. Jesus - Honestly, what does this guy have going for him? I know he disappeared for like 20 years even in his own holy text, and perhaps he spent that time traveling the world looking for juicy home games, but I sincerely doubt it. His commandments, such as "Thou Shalt Not Lie" and "Thou Shalt Not Covet" suggest that he was a calling station. Sorry Jesus, but you just don't have much game.

6. Mohammed - This is a default ranking. I don't know a freakin' thing about Mohammed beyond what I picked up from Malcolm X. If Mohammed had the foresight to send, say, Samuel L. Jackson, in his stead, then perhaps he could have cracked the top 5.

5. Poseidon - I once tried to play cards in a hot tub. It was practically impossible. They stick together something fierce and you're always dropping them off whatever ghetto-ass object you've got floating in the middle pretending to be a table. Poseidon just couldn't put in enough hours to hone his skills.

4. Buddha - Now we're getting up to the deities that actually have some game. Buddha, while unassuming in appearance, has one quality that would allow him to crush mid-stakes limit hold'em. He is, without a doubt, completely and utterly tiltless. Beat after beat could rain down on this guy, and he'd just keep on smiling that dopey grin. Couple that with the fact that every Asian guy at the table would soft-play him and you've got yourself a potential long-term winner on your hands.

3. The Flying Spaghetti Monster - You'd think that a completely nonsensical glob of pasta, lacking a brain, limbs, and even a mouth, that was created in just this past decade, couldn't possibly hold his own in a group of this standing. You'd be wrong, though. TFSM strength lies exactly in the qualities one might think were his weaknesses. Nobody has a clue what cards he holds, and he's not afraid to throw the book out the window and make plays based on his gut instinct alone. While he's not exactly fundamentally sound, he'll always keep you guessing, and could snap off your bluff with king high at any time. In other words, he's the WTK of this group.

2. Cal Ripken - The consumate professional. This guy shows up day after day, grinding out a small edge in countless hands, hour after hour, week after week, year after year. I mean, have you ever done anything, other than breathing, 2632 times in a row? This guy will eventually have all the chips. If I'm picking up teams and Cal Ripken is in the room, my first question is "Is Cal available?" My second question is, "What game are we playing?"

1. Zeus - Honestly, this competition wasn't really fair from the beginning. Zeus is a freaking bad ass. He spends his days prowling around Mount Olympus, smoting mortals with thunderbolts and pumping iron, and his nights drinking wine and hosting orgies. He knows what you have and what you intend to do with it, and you best not forget it.
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If you want to read more of his blog, check out jessetakesashot.blogspot.com.

At least call him by his real name, please....he even has a song that says "hope you guess my name"

Allow me to continue:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pergamos


Now, it looks like your favorite poker diety is really just another diety in disguise.

Now, it gets more fascinating about Zeus. The base of his altar remains at the Acropolis but the rest of the altar itself is found in Berlin:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pergamon_Altar


Now, the Pergamon Museum opened...guess when....1930 in Berlin!


Also, the Zeppelinfeld was at Nuremburg was based on the Pergamon Altar!

Good post but I think Jesus needs to be moved up to #1. He's the living incarnation of God and Omnipotent being. I mean hes literally done everything been everywhere an infinite amount of times. He'll know your cards before you do. The only way he would lose is if he got board and started to donk around because hes played the game so many times before. But even then you really dont have a shot.

Standard religion tactic... if another culture at another place and/or time worships a god that is not your God, then their god must be a manifestion of your Anti-God and all of their people must be corrupt Anti-God worshippers condemned to some awful, unimaginable fate. Of course the Christian priests would call Zeus Satan.

I admit, I haven't really read anything in this forum, ever, so I didn't expect this sort of response. I posted it because it was funny and not to be taken seriously.

Just chill. It's a joke.

I posted it not as "proof" but as something that I would even think atheists would find interesting. I care not to debate existence/nonexistence.

In any case, the fact that Hitler had such an interest in what, according to the Bible, was Satan's throne is highly interesting.

Not to mention that he gassed some 6 million or so of God's chosen people.

I wasn't picking on you. I just thought it was interesting since you picked him #1.

You were right - I do think it's interesting and am glad you provided the information.

I'm sorry.... I was unsure of your intentions.

Alas, it was not me who wrote the rankings. I wish I could write like that, but I'm just not that funny. Plus I think I would have ranked Poseidon first because he has access to so many fish.

(See? not that funny )

He would also know the difference between a board, like 'a surfboard', and being bored, like 'i was bored'.

Yea lol I thought I got that wrong. If your going to correct my **** ups your going to be busy but welcome a bored.

After reading Mempho posts. If Zeus=Devil then I think I change my mind. Poker is all about deception and stealing right in the Devils ballpark. But only if he had some kind of God Jesus proof card protector.

1. Jesus. Omniscience is huge.

2. Buddha. He just serenely collects chips.

3. Mohammed. Very aggressive, but also knows when to just cut and run.

Buddhas got to be dead last. He has the serenity thing going for him but he hates materialism. Whenever he got a stack he would just donk it all away out of guilt.

Buddha follows a middle path between desire and renunciation, and is therefore utterly indifferent to his stack.

Oh I thought Buddhist tried to shed all desire guess id have to move him up.

Because Buddha's not a deity...

neither is Muhammad, you guys are terrible at this

that was pretty good....I liked the bit about Asians softplaying Buddha. Funny stuff!

This list is useless without such badasses as Thor, Odin, Seth, Horus, and Quetzacoatl.

e.g. Seth is an aggressive bully but doesn't know when to fold; Horus is terrible but breaks even by constantly showing his hand to Isis for advice.

Bacchus obv. I don't know if he is a winner but he is the most fun.

Amazing find Mempho.

The Pergamum altar at the Nazi Zeppelinfield. Wow.


Notice this isn't a very well known public fact.

meh zeus is generally pretty useless without aghanims iirc

It must be a trickster deity like Eshu, Loki or Hermes.

Nope, but it's well documented. Just one piece of an amazing array of circumstantial evidence.

And "they" (you know who) prefer to keep it that way.

How'd you find it? Amazing find.