Golf Jokes -- nominees and poll - Golf and Golf Tournament Forum

Two Plus Two Forums Sports and Games Golf

Golf Jokes -- nominees and poll

View Poll Results: which joke is best

brettbrett

2 7.41%

JavaNut

1 3.70%

pgjcbsn

1 3.70%

TomE.

7 25.93%

thegoods

5 18.52%

p566

0 0%

Butcho22

1 3.70%

tmfs (for posting a classic youtube clip)

6 22.22%

The Harv

1 3.70%

other (write-in)

3 11.11%

Post Reply Subscribe

...

08-01-2008 , 12:57 PM

sylar

Ivan Drago's homeslice

Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 20,307

ok, here are the nominees

Quote:

Originally Posted by brettbrettr

Bill really enjoyed playing golf. He could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife Sally along) he was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, Bill sliced a drive over by a grounds keepers shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.

Without hesitation, Bill instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. Sally had been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, Bill cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.

Bill avoided golf for a year. However, he finally recovered, remarried, and started playing golf with his new wife Jill. Again, on hole #12, he slices his drive to the shack. Jill says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." "Nah," replied Bill, "The last time I did that, I made double."

Quote:

Originally Posted by JavaNut

A man introduces his wife to golf.

He takes her to the tee of a par three hole and tees the ball up for her and gives her a 5 iron, he tells that this is a 5 iron, which is what you will use at this hole and tells her to try to hit the ball to the middle of the green.

She hits the ball to the middle of the green.

They walk up to the green, and he takes out a putter and tells her to try to hit the ball in the hole with that.

She says: "So I should try to get the ball in the hole? Why didn't you say that in the first place".

Quote:

Originally Posted by pgjcbsn

A man and his wife get entered in an alternate shot tournament.

On the first hole the husband rips a 300 yard tee shot right down the middle. The wife then slices the second shot into the woods.

Faced with a shot he has to keep under a tree then bounce over a trap, then grab enough grass to slow it down the husband pulls it off perfectly leaving the wife with a 3 foot putt for par.

Wifey then proceeds to pound the putt 12 feet past the cup. After making the 12 footer for bogey as they get into their cart the husband politely says to his wife that if they are to be competitive she'll need to pick up her game a little.

The wife turns to her husband and says "What do you mean? We made a five there and I only hit it twice."

Quote:

Originally Posted by TomE.

Two guys are playing together, make the turn at 9 and are held up by a twosome of women in front of them. The first guy says "I'll drive up and ask if we can play thru." He takes the cart up, abruptly stops halfway there and comes back.

"What's up?" asks the 2nd guy.
1st guy says, "That's my wife and my mistress, I can't go up there!"

So the 2nd guy jumps in the cart, drives halfway up and abruptly turns around and heads back to the tee.

"Small world, eh?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by thegoods

A father and his two sons are playing a round with a beautiful woman. They get to the the green on the 18th hole, a par 4, and the woman, who is on in 2, has a 20 footer for birdie.

She says, "I need to make this putt for my best round ever and I will gladly have sex with whoever can give me the right read."

The first son steps up, crouches down behind the ball and says, "Left edge, and it's uphill so make sure you give it enough."

The second son then takes his turn and says, "Don't listen to him, I like it inside right."

The father is last to go, he takes a quick look at the line, picks up the ball, puts it in his pocket and says, "It's good," and walks off the green.

Quote:

Originally Posted by p566

A nun is in confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What have you done my child?"
"I have taken the lord's name in vain," she replies.
"When did you do this?"
The nun explains, "well father, I was playing golf and I duck hooked my drive into terrible rough."
"And you swore then?"
"No. You see as we drove up to look for the ball, a squirrel picked up the ball and ran off with it across another fairway."
"So then you swore?"
"No father. As the squirrel was running away a hawk flew by and picked up the squirrel, still clutching my golf ball and flew off in the other direction."
"So then you swore?"
"No. The hawk turned and flew over the green and the squirrel dropped the ball 3 feet from the hole."
He exclaims "don't tell me you missed the god-damn putt!"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butcho22

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided wouldn't golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmfs

Probably been seen my most, but deserves to be in this thread.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDQd49rEF_0

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Harv

Three hackers are on the first tee preparing to start their round when they are approached by a fourth who asks if he can join them. This guy looks like golfer, with a deep tan, a tour bag and a nice set of clubs.
"No problem." Says Hacker #1. "Go ahead, you can have honors."
So the pro looking dude steps up and whacks one 300 yards right down the middle of the #1 fairway.
"Damn." Says Hacker #2. "Are you a pro or something? That was a sweet drive."
"I played the mini tours for a bit." Says the Pro.
"You think you could give us some pointers?" Says Hacker #3
"Sure."
So, Hacker #1 tees up and hits a wicked slice onto the 18th fairway. "What was the problem there?" He asks the Pro.
"Loft."
Hacker #2 proceeds to duck hook his drive into a water hazard. "So, what do you think?" He asks.
"Loft." Repeats the Pro.
#3 gets up there skies one staight up in the air, barely getting past the womens tees. #3 looks over at the Pro but before he can get a word out he hears. "Loft."
The three Hackers all look at eachother clearly confused by the Pro's comments. Finally one of them asks. "Excuse me but how could we all have the same problem? All three of those shots were completely different. What exactly do you mean by loft?"
The Pro thinks for a long moment and then says with a grin, "Lack Of F***ing Talent."
as walks back towards the clubhouse.

Quote

08-01-2008 , 04:59 PM

Micro Donk

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 7,581

the whole topic was odd for me, i really didnt find any of them that funny

so i vote other: none

Quote

08-01-2008 , 05:02 PM

bluef0x

Politics Forum FFB Champ

Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 9,483

You didn't laugh at Robin Williams?!

Quote

08-01-2008 , 05:10 PM

Micro Donk

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 7,581

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluef0x

You didn't laugh at Robin Williams?!

i didnt watch it the first time around so i just watched it

nope. overuses profanity and overexxagerated voices

Quote

08-01-2008 , 05:41 PM

TripleH68

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 6,555

Quote:

Originally Posted by Micro Donk

the whole topic was odd for me, i really didnt find any of them that funny

Most of these jokes lose their humor in print.

You need a few beers and a good joke teller.

Or just tell the punch line: "Honey. Golf course or intercourse?"

Quote

08-01-2008 , 06:26 PM

bluef0x

Politics Forum FFB Champ

Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 9,483

Quote:

Originally Posted by Micro Donk

i didnt watch it the first time around so i just watched it

nope. overuses profanity and overexxagerated voices

I thought you were 50+ years old... so I looked at the age thread and wtf? Life nit at 20?!

Quote

08-01-2008 , 06:27 PM

thisnamedoesntfi

old hand

Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,433

I voted for other...Sylar with the fat joke. I've heard all of the others before that were even remotely funny.

Quote

08-01-2008 , 06:31 PM

Micro Donk

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 7,581

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluef0x

I thought you were 50+ years old... so I looked at the age thread and wtf? Life nit at 20?!

thats the consensus

Quote

08-02-2008 , 07:49 AM

mad_hatter

journeyman

Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 346

Quote:

Originally Posted by thisnamedoesntfi

I voted for other...Sylar with the fat joke. I've heard all of the others before that were even remotely funny.

Quote

08-05-2008 , 02:00 AM

#10

sylar

Ivan Drago's homeslice

Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 20,307

Quote:

Originally Posted by thisnamedoesntfi

I voted for other...Sylar with the fat joke. I've heard all of the others before that were even remotely funny.

thanks guys.

i guess the winners are TomE. and thegoods. i may be able to hook tmfs up too. let me check.

Quote

08-05-2008 , 09:05 AM

#11

JavaNut

Pooh-Bah

Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 4,427

Yeah, after voting myself, I now have one vote

Quote

Post Reply Subscribe

...