Punters guide to Bangkok by Shane Lechler
Phase 0 – Pre Game
Be prepared, or prepare to fail.
Sourcing Leads
Go on Facebook, search “Teerak Love” and add everyone you see there. Branch out from there.
Gear Up
Spend your day walking around purchasing condoms and other things. Use this time to take a bunch of random pictures. Buy a couple cigarettes, more on this later.
Pay 20bt at one of those side restaurants to take a picture with one the cooks where you’re doing the cooking. Now you can tell people you did a bunch of random cultural **** and ‘took the road less traveled’.
Phase 1 – Getting Drunk
It’s just creepy if you’re not guys.
Baccara
Jagear bottle with unlimited red bulls, can share with a friend.
Moulin Rouge
All you can drink for an hour. Aids included at no charge.
Busto Tip: Buy Sang Som, drink half in cab to Phase 2, give other half to taxi driver, this should get you in tip top pitted shape and free cab fare. You’re just crushing right now.
Phase 2 – Scratch Dog
Scratch Dog
This is one of the classier places in Bangkok, filled with elite Thais. Get there by 11 or so to gain your bearings. Attempt to get a table by the girls bathroom. Take a seat, behind you you’ll see an absolute murderers row of punters. Japanese, Singaporean, Korean, it doesn’t matter, you’ll never be on their level. A bow is common.
Drink is made and put in your hand. Luxury defined.
First things first, make a lap. Make sure to keep your glass no more than 6 inches from your mouth and give a good look around. Head on a swivel. Slightly bob your head to make your slow prowl more justifiable. This is establishing yourself as a punter.
HiSo regular girls usually are hanging out by the DJ booth, can’t ship them, but good for a short chat.
As girls are walking out of the loo, offer them a shot and paper rock scissors clash, bring Dwayne Johnson. Rinse, repeat.
If you’re not swarmed by women at this point it’s time to bring out the big guns. Take a seat. Grab a second drink so you’re double fisting. Point your index fingers forward. Put on that classic “I’m having so much fun right now!” smile. While seated, swivel back and forth extending the arms alternatively. Think Fonzie. Try to get the A-listers on the rail behind you to get in the act. Now you’ve got it. If you’re feeling extra spicy make a lap while doing what’s commonly referred to as the “ScratchDog Special”
Approaching Tables
Sometimes you have to go out and get what’s yours. They don’t call it delivery, now do they men. Here are some different strategies:
+Look longingly at a table of girls. When enough time has passed, stride over confidently, cheers the table, stand there smiling doing the head bob. When enough time has passed, take a long sip of your drink and slowly walk back to your table. Works best if the table is adjacent yours.
+Approach a girl who’s about to have a small sip from her glass. Give a look of warning and hands up stop sign. Point to the drink like you saw a fly in it. When the opportunity presents itself, do a pretend salt and peppering above the drink. After enough time, give an assured thumbs up, find another table with the same emergency. You could kill three hours doing this honestly.
+Wait until a friend is at the table, then stand awkwardly behind said friend, predator eyes are key here. What are friends for?
Light conversation
You gotta put your gameface on:
+Introduce yourself, “Poem Choo Ronald Cinnamon, and you?” if she tells you her name, go for an introductory hug.
+If someone asks where you’re from, set your drink on the table and do the Gangnam Style dance. Taking out your phone and showing your phone number as a response to this works as well.
+If you have any pics of younger cousins or nephews on your phone, show them to the group and then do the “he just walked away” finger thing, shrug your shoulders and give a good laugh. If they’re confused, verbally explain to one of them how you lost your child either in the taxi or at the Dog itself.
+If you’ve got to the point where the formalities have passed, good time to show all those random ass pics of Thailand you have. You should have around 20-30 of these. Make sure everyone at the table can see them before moving to the next pic.
Getting rid of rival punters
It comes with the territory, some tips based on nationality:
+Americans – Tell them you’ll add them on Facebook if they leave.
+Eastern Aussies – Say you really want to visit Perth, heard it’s great.
+Western Aussies – Say you really want to visit Sydney, heard it’s great.
+High class Aussies – Ask if you can see their Southern Cross Tattoo.
+Brits – Inform them that there’s a Pro Evolution Soccer machine outside of Slim.
+French and Italians – Offer them aforementioned cigarettes to leave.
+Germans – Tell them this is a high class place without whores.
Closing
A.B.C.
+After you’ve gone through the set with your solid routine, it’s time to bring home the bacon. Make a choice of your luck lady, shield the side of your face to be secretive, then give a classic “you+me = us, we go home now ok mai?” hand signal.
Look at you! Now the real game begins
Phase 3 – Cashing in.
Taxi
It goes without saying, taxi game is key.
Refuse the first few taxis you see just to add value to yourself.
In the taxi, act relaxed and tired for a couple of minutes, then immediately perk up and say “I’m not finished!” turn on some phone music. I’d recommend Avicii essential mix minute 32. You’re fist pumping for freedom at this point. If you’re stuck in traffic, look out the window urgently and ask another car roll their window down. Then go for a high five. Stick your head out of the taxi (see if you can get the whole upper body out of the car) yelling “I RUN BKK!” or something equally ******ed.
Walking to your Room
+Salute the security guard, or if he’s asleep, wake him up and point out you’ve got a little takeaway
+If you’re on a higher floor, use the elevator as a chance to get in some final fist pumps
Back at the room
+Demand a shower for yourself, put on the shower cap. If it’s a hose shower, try to shoot her a bit.
+Have sex?
+Go for a big cuddle after, if there’s a laptop near
+“Your first time too mai?”
Phase 4 – Postgame
Not the most glorious phase, but necessary.
+After you’ve settled your tab, time to move on. A new day of punting is upon you. A good line to get her out early is, “If you leave now, I pay taxi ok mai?”
+Walk her to a taxi like the gentlemen you’ve always been pretending to be. Salute the security guard, perhaps a few double points at people you see to top it off, but don’t force those. As you pass the security guard, purposely drop some baht out of your pocket. Chances are the girl will bend over to pick it up. Turn back to the security and give him one of these. Europeans would refer to this as being “cheeky”.
Addendum – Getting rid of it.
This seems to be a common problem for some, not sure why. A couple thoughts:
+Say you’ve got to grab some cash. Go to the nearest atm, put your card in. Punch a bunch or random numbers then look back and give a loving smile to your new friend. Perhaps blow a kiss, you pretty much are the bees knees so to speak, why not. Your card comes back. Turn back with a horrified look. Try it again, more random numbers. Turn back and give a really nervous smile. Tell her that it’s all ok and ask her what she wants to do today.
+Run away?
Happy Punting!