Did lots of shoulder rehab yesterday. Feels much better today. Could barely move my arm yesterday morning. By 10pm I was doing near pain free vertical rotations.

It’s just a little stiff today. Maybe pushups later if mobility improves.

Instead of pushups I chose to focus on mobility. Feels good now even after taking a few loose swings with two irons at once. Gonna keep doing mobility stuff for the rest of the day. Also I think this is a quality back shot. Yeah I used filters but **** it so does anyone getting photographed by a pro:

https://imgur.com/a/R2gc0KP

More shoulder rehab today. Feels ok so I swung a couple irons. Decent mobility and very little pain.

20 flat leg sit-ups.
10 pushups.

Also did some leg swings for completeness.

Played 9 holes walking today. Was about 85 degrees outside here. I sweat my ass off. Didn’t score well but it was my first time playing since making a change of swing mechanics.

According to the scale I’m under 215 pounds for the first time in years despite wearing pants and not having pooped yet today lol.

Not sure how much I should actually weigh. I don’t think 34 inch waist is a realistic goal. I’m still fitting into 36 inch waist pants, but I would like them to be a little looser than they currently fit. I’ll probably never have nice abdominal muscle definition like I had when I was skinny, but I don’t really care about that.

Shoulders are both functioning well over the past few days and the swelling in my calves ankles and feet has returned to normal form.

Not sure yet what kind of exercise I plan for today but I intend to break a sweat somehow.

Weighed in after using the bathroom wearing just boxers and socks at 213.0.

Pushups should be way easier now.

I wouldn’t know....

I’m hesitant to shoot hoops because stupid plague.

I really want to do something fun that gets me excited but I’m drawing a blank. I know that I don’t want to sit around playing poker but I’m not going to do anything serious like lifting weights. I’m actually in the mood for a bike ride but I haven’t had a decent bike in decades lol.

Maybe I’ll hike. It’s been a while. The last serious hike was around 2009 when I hiked the seven sisters in Holyoke mass. It’s four small peaks. U turn at mt Holyoke and trek back to the parking lot. Not quite 10 miles round trip. Other notable hikes include cannon mountain nh by myself, had to turn around because the sun was going down when I was pretty close to the top. Also Frankenstein cliffs nh was awesome. However probably the longest hike I ever took was in forges les eaux, Normandy France 1998. The locals like to circumnavigate the town by foot. About 30 of us made the trek. It took all day but I was 18.

Ok I talked myself into a hike.

took a short hike to near the highest point around. this land was considered sacred by natives. it's only fitting that now the state charges to park at both common entrances. my truck was the fourth vehicle at the secret entrance. its about 20 minutes round trip but that was enough to bring back some memories. i used to mountain bike here a lot. i managed to find my way to the old fire pit, which is now almost entirely overgrown. we used to be able to see for miles from this vantage point:



and the familiar boulder still right where i left it.



broke a sweat and got some fresh air.

10 situps

managed to go 5/5/10/5 for pushups.

and a 12 second back bridge with poor form.

weighed in this morning at 211.8 lbs, down about 13 lbs in the past month.

did some pushups: 10/10/10

and a 10 second back bridge.

Awesome work!

thanks i feel pretty ****ing awesome physically right now. just played 18 holes walking. didn't score well but its coming along in bits and pieces. i feel like i could play another 9 no problem.

pizza and beer last night made me feel a bit heavy legged today, but after a cup of coffee, a few cigarettes, and some pot I was feeling decent enough to golf. was on the course at around 8am in order to beat the holiday weekend crowd. got matched up with some very well behaved and mannered strangers. it was one of my more pleasant golfing experiences. didn't score well but i hit a lot of shots that flew and rolled how I wanted them to.

in other news my sister just moved back to the east coast. for me this means I now have a hiking buddy in addition to having my sister back. we have joked about doing a portion of the appalachian trail before and I think this might be the year. i want to to this part in franconia new hampshire:



the trail goes right up the middle of the picture along those peaks before turning east toward mt washington.

I hope we can go to owl head just to the east of the ridge pictured above.



the significance of owl head is that its a small peak surrounded by 4000+ foot peaks. its pretty far from any real civilization. I would expect the probability of seeing wildlife out there is pretty high.

this mission is somewhat complete. I'm currently having to use the tightest notch on my belt, which is about 2 inches tighter than the tightest factory notch on the belt. i'm sure that there's some stretching of the leather that has caused the belt to become elongated, necessitating the home made notches, but the tightest notch is a perfect fit at the moment.

no plans for today yet. maybe pushups, back bridges, and unweighted squats. weighted squats might happen if the body weight stuff feels good enough. been having some painful tension in my right knee and if i can't squat without pain then I'm not gonna force it.

my other sister says she wants to try golf so i might see if she wants to go to the driving range for some practice. I'm not the best at executing a good golf swing, but I've put in many hours studying the great swings. i think i can teach her the basics without sending her down the wrong path.

had steak cookout yesterday with family. i actually ate a salad and some summer squash, which is out of the norm for me lol. i'm more of a meat and potato guy.

there will be sweat.

do your meds make you fat and want to eat big macs all day?

Basically yeah. Compulsive behavior is a major side effect.

side effect of the disease or meds or both?

Both. I’m a bit ocd to begin with and the meds exacerbate it.

At least the meds stop the positive symptoms like voices and mostly the visual hallucinations like they do in me.

Correct. Unfortunately normal people don’t appreciate the fact that the meds are not a cure. They don’t get that schizophrenia in recovery is just like being unmedicated bi polar complete with extreme Uncontrollable mood swings. Over the years I’ve found that keeping myself occupied with activities that I enjoy makes for better emotional management than additional meds. Activities that I don’t enjoy tend to make me mull over the bullshit repeatedly and I end up talking to myself way too much. This makes for serious issues at work. On a few occasions I’ve had to take breaks from work because I end up crucifying myself in my head and next thing I know I’m crying my eyes out while trying to paint walls or mow lawns.

They (yes they) tell me that I need to control my emotions. They tell me to grow up or grow a pair of balls. They don’t understand the battles that I fight in my own mind every day. They can’t comprehend what it’s like to be unable to control thoughts and emotions. I can’t blame them for being ignorant, but it makes for very frustrating conversation with friends family and coworkers.

Cest la vie.

played 9 holes walking and i sweat my ass off. then i slept for four hours lol.

Just weighed in at 209.6 lbs.

got out my gazetteer. this picture is much more clear: X = the basin(cool rock formation caused by river erosion imo) dots = appalachian trail. O = owl head. just have to figure out a trail that might connect little haystack mountain and owl head. looks like about 15 miles round trip as the crow flies assuming we don't get lost. the challenge has been issued and accepted by my sister. just have to set a date.

Played 9 holes with the sunrise this morning. Weighed in a couple hours after lunch at 209.0.

WARNING MAGICAL THINKING IN THIS THREAD

from time to time i experience what science calls sleep paralysis. for the uninformed, sleep paralysis is when you are awake in your mind yet unable to speak, move, and wake up. the other night i had a serious battle with my mind while sleeping and I've been a bit shook up about it ever since. the short backstory is that I believe that we are more than just flesh and bone; i believe that we have spirits that exist most definitely while we are alive. i'm agnostic regarding afterlife as I just don't know the truth. i don't know what happens to our consciousness when we die and neither do you, so please refrain from stating theory as fact here; thank you for not turning this into a science vs religion debate. i'm actually quite scientifically minded, yet I'm aware that there is some next level **** going on. there are things that science is currently unable to explain and I acknowledge that perhaps human intelligence is just not plentiful enough for us to completely understand some things, particularly regarding the issue of spirituality. I've investigated sleep paralysis and have heard that discussing it may exacerbate the problem. thus i never really talked about it before. however, never talking about sleep paralysis has not done any good in terms of preventing sleep paralysis, so I've decided to discuss the issue openly instead. here we go:

a few nights ago while i slept, something woke me up. I was awake, but i was unable to move, speak, and wake up. there was a hurricane force wind that i could feel and hear all around me. i could feel my hair standing on end. i tried to utter a word but all i could do was breathe out through my mouth slightly. it felt like an enormous weight was on my back as i was layinng on my chest. it was like andre the giant had a hand on each shoulder blade and was pressing all of his weight down onto me. being magically thinking minded as i am, i naturally thought that i was being visited by a demon in the night. I began to pray.

I recited the our father in my head. i tried as hard as i could to move my lips and say the words out lout, but nothing came out. the wind and weight only increased intensity as i prayed. finally, when i got to the end, i was able to say amen out loud. the wind and weight became even more intense when I spoke the word, and i can only assume that this angered whatever spirit was visiting me. i thought of god. not jesus, not allah, but instead he who will remain unnamed for eternity on earth. he whose voice would shatter human eardrums. for a moment i experienced a bit of anger and hate for the spirit that was visiting me. then i somehow found a bit of inner peace that can only come through acceptance of my very own existence. the realization that such a spirit is only doing what comes naturally; i realized that it was not happening as a function of malice, but of instinct. i was then able to utter a few more words, directed at both the spirit and god, as i had come to the realization that we are all a part of the same universe. we were all once stardust and someday we will once again be stardust. i spoke out loud:

I love you.

I heard the words come out of my mouth and just for a moment the weight and wind became even more fierce, as though it was brought by a force of anger. then I was able to open my eyes and I saw a faint flash of light directly in front of me in the near pitch black bedroom. then the wind stopped and the weight was lifted from my back. the only sound was that of the fan that was blowing in the window.

i didn't get up. i was just relieved that the experience had changed from a very bad feeling to one of peacefulness. minutes later i fell back asleep and i slept through the night.

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this was not my first time dealing with sleep paralysis, but i will not go into deep detail about the other times. it happens perhaps once every two or three months. sometimes it happens when I realize that I'm dreaming, which causes a conflict in my mind between the dream world and reality. sometimes i feel as though something is in the room with me, and sometimes i am only somewhat aware that I'm still asleep. sometimes I'll wake up and get out of bed only to realize a moment later that i'm actually still dreaming; these are the most frustrating sleep paralysis experiences because waking up from one dream, only to find myself in some other dream reality is very uncomfortable to put it lightly.

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ive been sleeping fine ever since. and yes i have been taking my medicine.